Made a Domme

[tealsphynx]

There was a thread posted here recently ( I believe sometime last month) on the topic of wheather (sp?) Doms and subs are made or born. Is it something that is a learned behavior or are we born that way. I was thinking about this today and realized in myself that maybe it is a learned behavior.
I am learning that I'm a bit of a sadist. I was mean, angry and cruel as a child and it felt good to be. But at the same time I was afraid of it and never connected to my peers because I was afraid of what I might do. My parent's always argued, and my hubby suggests maybe my anger was my way of dealing with the tension between them.
I was asked in a PM by someone if I have ever subbed to a strong Domly type male (he obviously thinks the only place for a woman is submitting to his every whim) Thinking on this, and looking back at growing up and a few past relationships I've had and I've realized that I have this inability to submit. I don't like the way it feels, I have to be the one in control and I feel I lose something when I submit. Looking at my mother, I believe if she weren't so dead set on societal/vanilla values she would be quite the amazing Domme. I think that's one of the reasons mom and dad never got along, they both tried to top eachother, neither of them willing to submit, and both of them having to have it their way neither willing to compromise. I was also in a relationship similar to that, which is when I discovered sleeping with other ladies. I liked how I could get them to give in to my every whim in bed. I could bite them and leave bruises, they just thought it was sexy.
Does anyone else have memories that lead them to think their allignment in this lovely lifestyle we call BDSM?

 

[Aeroil]

........Does anyone else have memories that lead them to think their allignment in this lovely lifestyle we call BDSM?

I'm not certain, but I think that that sentence gramatically makes no sense.
I'm also afraid that I don't understand it.

 

[tealsphynx]

I'm sorry. I'll admit my grammar has gone downhill since I left college. Uhm...just looking to see if anyone remebers points in their childhood that seem to be connected to the way they are now. Atleast that's what I think I'm looking for. I had a thought while I was combing my hair and I wanted to share it.

 

[laurel-marie]

I had mentioned this in the other thread.
I was always the 'good-girl'.
I went out of my way to make sure I didnt do anything that would disappoint him. I remember daily waiting for my father to get home from work so I could give him a good report. In return I would get a hug and 'good girl' from him.

 

[Aeroil]

I'm sorry. I'll admit my grammar has gone downhill since I left college. Uhm...just looking to see if anyone remebers points in their childhood that seem to be connected to the way they are now. Atleast that's what I think I'm looking for. I had a thought while I was combing my hair and I wanted to share it.

aaah, okay, well I do have a few. I have always HATED to be in control, I like helping but the lead position was always the one I dreaded. I never knew it at the time, but when I was a kid, like 95% of my fantasies were ones of D/s, or had some D/s undertones.
Never been in a RL relationship so I dunno what kind of undertones that would have created, and I intend to be fully honest about my leanings in any I may ever engage in now.

 

[Marquis]

I've spoken on this before.

I grew up believing I was the product of a rape, I think that had a lot to do with it. Most of it is probably just natural.

 

[madetobeme]

I think everyone can remember something in their childhood that points to their future tastes in life.

In other threads on this topic some people mentioned they loved playing Cowboys and Indians and loved to get caught and *tied up*. In a similar vein I was always the one who wanted to get "caught" in any games and I also remember spending hours building my own prison to play with out of lego blocks-complete with evil wardens and helpless prisoners !

Really very funny in hindsight

 

[h_i_s]

I had mentioned this in the other thread.
I was always the 'good-girl'.
I went out of my way to make sure I didn't do anything that would disappoint him. I remember daily waiting for my father to get home from work so I could give him a good report. In return I would get a hug and 'good girl' from him.

my experiences as a child were similar in that i was the 'good girl', worked under the table since age 13 (plus a paper route), was quite well mannered and got straight A+'s in school (was even allowed to skip the seventh grade as a result of that) ... BUT ....... i received no praise at home from either my mom nor my step-dad. The only feedback i ever received from either, was when i supposedly stepped out of line (which was total BS by the way ... my brother always blamed the shit HE did... on me .. friggin lil' shit head ... that's another story though).

i've always done my best in anything i have ever set out to do. my motto since my late teens has always been, "There might be some who will do it just as well ... but damned if anyone else will be known to do it BETTER.". Ended up being a bit of a perfectionist ... over achiever ... with most things ....... whatever. Eventually i came to realize it was their problem, at some point i refused to dwell on it.. refused to allow them that power over me. i'm happy, as a result.

So.. perhaps my childhood has something to do with it ... perhaps not.

 

[laurel-marie]

I think everyone can remember something in their childhood that points to their future tastes in life.

In other threads on this topic some people mentioned they loved playing Cowboys and Indians and loved to get caught and *tied up*. In a similar vein I was always the one who wanted to get "caught" in any games and I also remember spending hours building my own prison to play with out of lego blocks-complete with evil wardens and helpless prisoners !

Really very funny in hindsight

OMG...this reminded me of a time when i was real young (about 6). A boy tied me up to a bed post...all totally non-sexual, but i had dreams about this for years. It always made my heart race faster when i would think about it.

 

[madetobeme]

Gee I wish someone had tied me up when I was 6! It would of made my childhood dreams so much more enjoyable

my experiences as a child were similar in that i was the 'good girl' <snip>

I can so relate to this! I was always the teachers pet. I even remember a stage in second grade where I had my own little chair next to the teacher in front of the class.It gave me so much pleasure to be the "good girl" and always be rewarded. I don't think there was a time that I ever failed to do my homework becuase I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing one of my teachers!

 

[Xelebes]

I am a middle child - 4th of 6. My parents were not fighting all the time - I don't think they ever really fought. Sometimes my mom would get upset for whatever reason and my dad consoled her. *shrugs*

Other than that I can only say my submissiveness comes learned from more social experience than anything. But even then I am not sure. I've always hated being the one in control - I will try and lend support but never lead. If I do happen to take lead role, it ends up a failure. The only thing I take lead is my artwork and that is pretty much it.

 

[Lorihw]

Hmmm... this is so strange for me to think about. I was physically and psychologically abused as a teenager. If I brought home a 97 on a test, my father would ask "what happened to the other three points?" I was never praised for anything. I started cutting in college for that release I was so desperately craving. I had to pay for both undergrad and grad school myself so I always felt like I owned that. Now, in my relationships, my husband has been psychologically and physically abusive, yet in my extra-curricular relationships, that my husband knows nothing about, I crave control and punishment. I'm sure some psychotherapist could have a field day with me...

 

[h_i_s]

Gee I wish someone had tied me up when I was 6! It would of made my childhood dreams so much more enjoyable



I can so relate to this! I was always the teachers pet. I even remember a stage in second grade where I had my own little chair next to the teacher in front of the class.It gave me so much pleasure to be the "good girl" and always be rewarded. I don't think there was a time that I ever failed to do my homework becuase I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing one of my teachers!

i was always the teacher's pet. One time i won this contest we had. It was a monthly thing, based on grades as well as behavior. i'd won it the first 4 or 5 times in a row .... my parents made me forfeit the fifth time. No praise ... no pat on the back.. was simply told to stop being a hoard and 'allow' someone else a chance to win. Whatever praise i did not receive at home, i DID get from my teachers. Explains alot, i'd say.

 

[madetobeme]

Whatever praise i did not receive at home, i DID get from my teachers. Explains alot, i'd say.

My god, sinn0cent1, it's like looking in a mirror

I had a frighteningly cold father who never, ever praised me. I would give him my glowing report card at the end of the term and it would still be sitting untouched on the table when I woke up the next morning. No parents at ceremonies to see me get rewards, no-one at my graduation.

Explains a lot, I'd say too.

 

[laurel-marie]

I could care less if my mom was pleased with me. The only one i cared about was pleasing my dad. Probably why I am drawn to older men now.

 

[madetobeme]

Maybe that's why I like older men too! Somewhere deep down I'm still trying to get that praise I craved for.

I'm beginning to wonder where I'd draw the line though-how old is too old?

 

[laurel-marie]

Maybe that's why I like older men too! Somewhere deep down I'm still trying to get that praise I craved for.

I'm beginning to wonder where I'd draw the line though-how old is too old?

Can there be an age limit?
I know some men in their 50's who are ready for the grave. I also know a couple of men in their 70's that (if i were free) i would love to be their submissive.

 

[Marquis]

Can there be an age limit?
I know some men in their 50's who are ready for the grave. I also know a couple of men in their 70's that (if i were free) i would love to be their submissive.

I asked my grandmother of 93 when the last time she had sex was. She said she and my grandfather had sex at 85. Men in my family are not lacking in vitality it seems.

 

[madetobeme]

I asked my grandmother of 93 when the last time she had sex was. She said she and my grandfather had sex at 85. Men in my family are not lacking in vitality it seems.

I'm glad to hear you are carrying on the tradition Marquis

 

[h_i_s]

Maybe that's why I like older men too! Somewhere deep down I'm still trying to get that praise I craved for.

I'm beginning to wonder where I'd draw the line though-how old is too old?

Ok, i have to draw the line in regard to our similarities here. i just don't like younger men because most that i'd ever know just don't seem to know how to get/keep their shit together ... with relationships, responsibilities, integrity, faithfulness, priorities AND sexual techniques/style etc .. financially too ...... and they couldn't control themselves .... never mind controling *me*... it always led to issues of my not having respect. i always found older men to be more attractive though ... even before i knew i craved being controled/dominated.

my attraction to older men has nothing to do with lack of praise received, it's purely based on my need to feel safe, trusting, and capable of respecting. Besides, the older man known to me as Master, is just HOT. He does it for me .. in every sense.

Too old? Hmm ... well, we sure as heck can't put them out to pasture regardless........ but, my thought: When they no longer have it in them to enjoy being served? How old would that be??

How old does a man have to be to no longer enjoy being pleasured by a woman's slick wet lips suckling His cock?

But seriously..... i prefer no more than a 15-20 years myself .. no less than 5 years older.

 

[madetobeme]

Ok, i have to draw the line in regard to our similarities here. i just don't like younger men because most that i'd ever know just don't seem to know how to get/keep their shit together ... with relationships, responsibilities, integrity, faithfulness, priorities AND sexual techniques/style etc .. financially too ...... and they couldn't control themselves .... never mind controling *me*... it always led to issues of my not having respect. i always found older men to be more attractive though ... even before i knew i craved being controled/dominated.

Oh, sinn0city1, don't get me wrong, getting praise is just one facet of why I like older men. The other facets are exactly what you wrote above! Guys need to be at least 5 (maybe 8 or 9 is best) years older than me to have their shit together enough to be able to control me. It comes down to a respect issue. I cannot respect a man who is not in control of himself and his own life, and without respect there is no way that I can submit to him.

Besides, the older man known to me as Master, is just HOT. He does it for me .. in every sense.

I'm so happy that you are so fulfilled with your Master!

But seriously..... i prefer no more than a 15-20 years myself .. no less than 5 years older.

Yep, any older than that I would start getting the creeps. Chemistry can make up for a lot of things but physical attraction is too important too ignore.

 

[YinandYang]

Something happened yesterday when i had to ask my SO for help, in taking my daughter to school. I find it very difficult to accept help from others, thats when my stubborn head comes out and I go it alone. I apologised over and over that I had to ask him to do this (I was ill and couldn't take her myself). In the end I think he got fed up with listening to me, and told me not to worry, pay back time would come when I feel better (yippeee!). I was running this endless dialogue through my head when he had left and it occurred to me that my mother, all through my life would willingly play the martyr but also turn the guilt trip on too, leaving us as kids and adults finding it hard to ask for her help. My conclusions were (once the endless chattering had stopped in this abyss of my mind) that I have always chosen men who have been weak or played the victim, that way I would never have to ask for help. But now, my SO who is strong minded and willful is helping me accept things can be readily given without the need for gratification. So I suppose the conditioning of my childhood has helped me serve him and give him my all in a way that I have been used to. It doesn't feel wrong to kneel before him, or do as he asks, I am able to accept his love and help easily.

 

[tealsphynx]

Wow, it's amazing how many responses there are here even though there's already been a thread on this. I do appologize to whomever it was that had started that thread originally. I had a thought running through my head and I wanted to share it, but I couldn't find the original thread. Thanks for the understanding and responses everyone!

 

[laurel-marie]

Is this it?
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=331584

No apology was ever needed.
Many threads are repeated...but with different wordings thus leading to different people answering or different answers given. Besides it gives us another chance to share.

 

[tealsphynx]

That looks about right, I couldn't remember the title! Thanks!