Lowering Standards

[crazyboy2006]

What are your thoughts on lowering standards in dating?

The answers most guys get in scenarios of nervousness/fear and trouble in dating is that they need to boost their confidence. Women like confidence, women are attracted to guys who're confident, etc.

However, over the course of my high-school and college life, I'm beginning to believe that my anxiety is just me and there's nothing I nor anybody else can do about it. Is that bad? Not necessarily. But my point is that I think maybe confidence isn't always the answer. Besides, I'm tired of trying to change myself and what I like to do just so I can impress some chick who might not even be that great of a person.

I have nervous tendencies around everybody. So my problem isn't only with women. And no, I will not go get help for it. I'm not paying top-dollar for some psych visits. That's an expensive luxury.

So should I lower my standards? It's getting to the point where if a girl is even remotely attractive/socially confident, I just completely disregard her as a person who I could potentially date. And that's pretty bad, even to me.

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

it is really important for you to operate out of honesty, and it would be very exhausting to have to maintain the facade of being someone you are not, if you are trying to win the heart of somebody. there are many causes for anxiety...and having to constantly feel like you have to "perform" all of the time won't help. no, don't lower you standards...you ought to raise your standards for a woman who is mature enough to accept someone who is not being an imposter.... i think a lot of relationships collapse becasue both sides drop the act after some time and they wonder...what the hell happened?

 

[red111a]

Go out and get drunk and see what you come home with. If you like her then you know what lowering your standards will get you. If you don't like her then you can blame the drink.

 

[CowBoy18^]

What are your thoughts on lowering standards in dating?

The answers most guys get in scenarios of nervousness/fear and trouble in dating is that they need to boost their confidence. Women like confidence, women are attracted to guys who're confident, etc.

However, over the course of my high-school and college life, I'm beginning to believe that my anxiety is just me and there's nothing I nor anybody else can do about it. Is that bad? Not necessarily. But my point is that I think maybe confidence isn't always the answer. Besides, I'm tired of trying to change myself and what I like to do just so I can impress some chick who might not even be that great of a person.

I have nervous tendencies around everybody. So my problem isn't only with women. And no, I will not go get help for it. I'm not paying top-dollar for some psych visits. That's an expensive luxury.

So should I lower my standards? It's getting to the point where if a girl is even remotely attractive/socially confident, I just completely disregard her as a person who I could potentially date. And that's pretty bad, even to me.

The first step is facing what and who you are. It seems you are starting to do this. You need to become comfortable with who you are and learn to say 'fuck anyone who doesn't like me for me'. Trust me, there is someone out there whom will appreciate you for who and what you are, and someone you will feel the same about. Now, thats not to say that if you only want to date girls that are under 100lbs and are supermodels, that is unrealistic. You should never lower your standards, as long as those standards are realistic and not based on fantasy!

 

[old_scratch]

What are your thoughts on lowering standards in dating?

The answers most guys get in scenarios of nervousness/fear and trouble in dating is that they need to boost their confidence. Women like confidence, women are attracted to guys who're confident, etc.

However, over the course of my high-school and college life, I'm beginning to believe that my anxiety is just me and there's nothing I nor anybody else can do about it. Is that bad? Not necessarily. But my point is that I think maybe confidence isn't always the answer. Besides, I'm tired of trying to change myself and what I like to do just so I can impress some chick who might not even be that great of a person.

I have nervous tendencies around everybody. So my problem isn't only with women. And no, I will not go get help for it. I'm not paying top-dollar for some psych visits. That's an expensive luxury.

So should I lower my standards? It's getting to the point where if a girl is even remotely attractive/socially confident, I just completely disregard her as a person who I could potentially date. And that's pretty bad, even to me.

Never lower your standards: learn how to talk to women instead.

First, get over your fear of rejection. A woman will either like you or she won’t, and being afraid of being rejected isn’t going to help. We all get rejected at one time or another; it’s just part of life.

Secondly, learn how to talk to women. Start building your confidence by talking to women in casual conversation without any expectation of anything. Just learn to be comfortable with women in any kind of conversation. Women are people like anyone else, just practice carrying on a casual conversation. She is not going to bite you or hit you; the worse thing she will do is be snotty or rude, and when a woman is snotty or rude, you don’t want her anyway.

Third, learn how to read women emotionally: their body language, mannerisms and facial expressions. Learn how to “sense” what she is feeling when she is talking to you. Women are emotional creatures, and being the case, it is difficult for a woman to mask her feelings about the person she is talking to. If a woman is responding well to you emotionally, she will go out with you, (unless she has an acceptable reason not to, such as being married or involved, then sometimes they will go anyway). If she is not responding to you emotionally, she isn’t going to go out with you, so forget it and move on. Don’t be rude; just don’t waste your time or hers on something that is never going to happen.

Fourth, take women off that pedestal you have them on. Don’t place women higher of lower than yourself; they need companionship just like you do. You would be surprised at how often women feel anxiety when talking to a man, just as you feel when talking to a woman. She is just a person, treat her as such.

Teach yourself to respond to women who respond well to you, (and like you), and ignore the ones who don’t. You see, (so-called), studs who seem to have all the women they want; if you watch them closely, you will find the respond to the women who respond to them, and ignore the ones who don’t.

There is no trick to dating: it is just treating women like what they are, "women".

 

[CWatson]

Okay, first thing you do: recruit a friend to serve as your wingman. Tell him about your generalized anxiety disorder and make sure he can intercede for you when you clam up.

Second off: the girls you're writing off? Don't. Remember, the human brain is the only computer in existence that can reprogram itself. It'll take a while to overcome your anxieties, but you can. So don't write those girls off. --Well, more accurately, write them off for about a year, in the sense of assuming that none of them will go out with you... because that's the year where you'll be learning how to talk to them without stuttering. But if you give yourself time (and--let's be honest--don't mind things getting worse before they get better) you can overcome your difficulties.

Don't give up. You can live your life on your own terms.

 

[hellsgate]

Streetwalkers, sex workers. That's all there is to it - for now. The right one is a god-send. But, for now, you have to realize it's all about fast food sex for everyone as steady jobs and equally steady housing is as rare as partner-swaps in the bible belt. Love and monogamy is secondary to a stable, employable guy or girl that doesn't do a lot of gambling, smoking, drinking, etc. if they're not living at home with mom n' dad or in a dorm or single occupant (low-income) rental studio. You get my point.

http://www.lwcbooks.com/books/images/Hooker-028.jpg

 

[littlebabyclit]

Don't lower your standards for the long term if they are concrete for you and you truly know what you want. You will have trashed self-respect and self-esteem at the end and that will be way worse than feeling alone and lonely, when all compounded together.

Another way to look at it is this: temporary companionship you seek for mere comfort with someone you don't think fits your standards could turn out to evolve your standards and be something much more worthy than you anticipated. You never know.

Old_scratch, your's is a very good post, great advice.

 

[dollface007]

And no, I will not go get help for it. I'm not paying top-dollar for some psych visits. That's an expensive luxury.

Hey, don't knock it until you try it. Getting to know yourself, growing as a person, and learning strategies for managing your anxiety is not a "luxury," it's a necessity if you want a full and meaningful life. It sounds like you have no idea what therapy involves.

Also, you sound like an extremely rigid person...the kind of person who is going to have a hard time in any relationship no matter where your standards lie. All the more reason why you should consider some kind of growth in your life.

Don't do any girls any "favors" by lowing your standards and settling for them. Sounds like a totally pathetic way to live your life, not to mention you'll be making a chump out of any woman you date.

Best of luck to you.

 

[PixelPrincess]

Hey, don't knock it until you try it. Getting to know yourself, growing as a person, and learning strategies for managing your anxiety is not a "luxury," it's a necessity if you want a full and meaningful life. It sounds like you have no idea what therapy involves.

I 100% agree here...

It also sounds like you aren't giving the opposite sex much credit. Did you ever stop to think that maybe women are just as insecure and anxious as you? That dating someone who is so insecure with themselves and so shy and anxious is not easy? They're not being demanding bitches, they are being human. It's fucking hard work constantly stroking someone's ego, especially when they NEVER believe you. Don't lower your standards, but don't write off the opposite sex either based on something you have no earthly idea of. Try loosening up a bit and open up to someone without fear of rejection. If they do reject you, you're no worse off are you? What the hell do you have to lose?

 

[Mac98]

I would suggest patience. Stay true to what you're looking for and it'll come around. \maybe not today, probably not tomorrow, but it will. The reason is simple. There's a girl for every guy out there,you just have to meet.

I'd say learn to be comfortable living by yourself and THEN the right one'll come along. You'll just be that much stronger if something were to happen.

 

[littlebabyclit]

I 100% agree here...

It also sounds like you aren't giving the opposite sex much credit. Did you ever stop to think that maybe women are just as insecure and anxious as you? That dating someone who is so insecure with themselves and so shy and anxious is not easy? They're not being demanding bitches, they are being human. It's fucking hard work constantly stroking someone's ego, especially when they NEVER believe you.

Very well put and very, very true. It's one thing to say you don't want to go get help, don't want to change, want to just be yourself, tired of worrying about it all...I get that, I don't blame you for feeling that way, but what you may also be saying crazyboy is you want to remain high maintenance emotionally and whoever's gonna date or love you is just going to have to deal with it? I hope you remember that in regards to whoever you eventually hook up with...that you are just as patient and accepting of her as you expect her to be continuously of you.

By the way, I don't endorse going to expensive shrinks either. It's a crap shoot whether or not you'd hook up with one that has the exact fix you need for your psyche. It is a trial and error process and can be expensive. I DO recommend, however, taking trips down the self-help aisles of bookstores frequently, scouring as many books as you can, for more insight into yourself and how you can improve your own emotional functioning so you can live more happily, either alone or with a woman in your life. You don't even have to buy the books, just sit there and read them in the cafes. Very little money is needed to work on self-improvement in life and everybody needs to do that, not just you so don't feel alone, imperfect or dysfunctional in that regard. The smart ones do it, the arrogant ones who dare to think they're perfect as is never seek to improve.
To seek improvement doesn't necessarily mean you need to learn how to conform yourself to become some ideal kind of person you feel you could never be, but to learn to work with and accept how you are to maximize your own potential and the resulting benefits.

You can of course continue to seek the input of random strangers like myself and the others in forums but I hope you supplement that with searching for properly written self-help articles and helpful websites online. Whatever you do, I wish you success with it.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Looks

If you're good-looking enough there is no tragic personality flaw that cannot be overlooked. It's the same for both sexes.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Don't do any girls any "favors" by lowing your standards and settling for them. Sounds like a totally pathetic way to live your life,

Bingo, this is 24 karat "nice guy" d-baggism.

 

[davion2308]

First, if you have high standards, good for you. But what are you looking for in those standards? Eye candy to show off? A wife or husband? I think the idea of standards varies from person to person. Maybe you meet someone who is average looking but is the nicest, sweetest, most kind person in the world. Does that make them better then a hot person who is shallow and self-centered?

I don't think about standards when I date. I figure out who is going to interest me. I date a lot of women and I don't judge them on a scale of 1 to 10. I get the experience, enjoy the relationship, and take whatever comes to me.

Don't judge, just talk to people. Don't hold anyone to standards. They may be doing the same to you!

 

[qrayze]

First, if you have high standards, good for you. But what are you looking for in those standards? Eye candy to show off? A wife or husband? I think the idea of standards varies from person to person. Maybe you meet someone who is average looking but is the nicest, sweetest, most kind person in the world. Does that make them better then a hot person who is shallow and self-centered?

I don't think about standards when I date. I figure out who is going to interest me. I date a lot of women and I don't judge them on a scale of 1 to 10. I get the experience, enjoy the relationship, and take whatever comes to me.

Don't judge, just talk to people. Don't hold anyone to standards. They may be doing the same to you!

good advice!

 

[jacketjack]

Hey, I'm a complete newb on these boards so feel free to completely disregard what I'm about to say, but if I were you I would print out the quoted post here, stick it on my bathroom mirror, read it out loud every morning and every night, and practice these actions every day.

Of course, I would also take it off the bathroom mirror every night when I brought a girl home, but maybe that's just me. Seriously - if you follow this fellow's advice you will have all the female companionship you desire.

Never lower your standards: learn how to talk to women instead.

First, get over your fear of rejection. A woman will either like you or she won’t, and being afraid of being rejected isn’t going to help. We all get rejected at one time or another; it’s just part of life.

Secondly, learn how to talk to women. Start building your confidence by talking to women in casual conversation without any expectation of anything. Just learn to be comfortable with women in any kind of conversation. Women are people like anyone else, just practice carrying on a casual conversation. She is not going to bite you or hit you; the worse thing she will do is be snotty or rude, and when a woman is snotty or rude, you don’t want her anyway.

Third, learn how to read women emotionally: their body language, mannerisms and facial expressions. Learn how to “sense” what she is feeling when she is talking to you. Women are emotional creatures, and being the case, it is difficult for a woman to mask her feelings about the person she is talking to. If a woman is responding well to you emotionally, she will go out with you, (unless she has an acceptable reason not to, such as being married or involved, then sometimes they will go anyway). If she is not responding to you emotionally, she isn’t going to go out with you, so forget it and move on. Don’t be rude; just don’t waste your time or hers on something that is never going to happen.

Fourth, take women off that pedestal you have them on. Don’t place women higher of lower than yourself; they need companionship just like you do. You would be surprised at how often women feel anxiety when talking to a man, just as you feel when talking to a woman. She is just a person, treat her as such.

Teach yourself to respond to women who respond well to you, (and like you), and ignore the ones who don’t. You see, (so-called), studs who seem to have all the women they want; if you watch them closely, you will find the respond to the women who respond to them, and ignore the ones who don’t.

There is no trick to dating: it is just treating women like what they are, "women".