"Loving wives"

[barelythere5]

Hi all new to this, and just released my first story. "Meet Me In the Park". It was released on 4-18-04, so it is almost lost. Please read and let me know what you think of my very first attempt.
I have been writing poetry for awhile and someone chalenged me to write a story. Thanks for any visits.

Oh it's about two married lovers, not satisfied sexualy at home with their spouses, making time to have some fun in the park. I am now working on the chapter that tells how they met. Thanks again.

-Barely

PS, I submit my poetry under a different author name. (*wink*)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You'll have a better chance of people reading your story if you give them a link to it:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=137162

---dr.M.

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

Inconsistency turns me off a story pretty quickly. You start in past tense (as it should be) then shift to present tense almost immediately and carry it through to the end - "she is doing this, now she is doing that, she begins to do whatever" - a better method is always use the past tense and use dialog to convey action and advance your plot.

You also start out with a limited third person narrator (state of mind/feelings told from the woman's eyes) but then throw in omniscience (both person's unvoiced thoughts) at the end. You can shift points of view between characters but you need some kind of break in between to key the reader, i. e. a chapter break or the use of physical lines *********.

The characters have no depth at all. I have no idea as to their age, situation, motivation, physical make-up - they come across as disembodied voices rather than sympathetic characters, which makes this a yawner rather than a nice little tale.