Loving Wives BTB through the ages

[Bramblethorn]

Saw this and thought of y'all: https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/10/22/james-felton-52-times-britain-was-a-bellend/

In 1002, King Æthelred the Unready ordered the massacre of “all the Danish men who were among the English race” on St Brice’s Day. The Danish had been settled in parts of England for a hundred years or more, so it must have come as a bit of a shock when they were rounded on and killed in notable numbers.

In Oxford, one group of Danish men broke into a church to hide from the locals who were in full pitchfork mode by this point. In measured response, the locals set fire to the church on a religious holiday, burning at least 34 men alive.

So why did this happen, and why were the (quite religious) locals so keen to kill a group of people (for which they probably believed they’d be damned for all eternity) that they’d even risk burning a church to the ground (and risk being damned for all eternity a second time)?

Well, as justifications for slaughter go, “they looked prettier than us” is right up there with “honestly we had all this gasoline lying here and I was bored”, but that may actually have been a factor, according to one account nearer the time.

“The Danes made themselves too acceptable to English women by their elegant manners and their care of their person,” one 13th century chronicle read, justifying why the slaughter took place.

“They combed their hair daily, according to the custom of their country, and took a bath every Saturday,”

I know you already want to find their graves, dig up their skeletons and burn them one more time for this, but wait, there’s more.

“And even changed their clothes frequently, and improved the beauty of their bodies with many such trifles, by which means they undermined the chastity of wives.”

Yes, as well as bathing four times a month, like the Queen or a high-end dog, these bastards were changing their clothes.

Essentially, the English may have seen a group of well-kempt Danes and rather than deciding also to wash, we thought it would be far less hassle merely to slaughter anyone else who did. Their cleanliness was making the rest of the English look bad and no just God could blame us for burning them alive in an abbey.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Saw this and thought of y'all: https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/10/22/james-felton-52-times-britain-was-a-bellend/

Bastards! Them and their soap and clothes and lack of body lice, combing their hair and not smelling like pigs in shit, no fire's too hot for them, a murrain on them and their unhealthy cleanliness!

One has to wonder why Danish men, clean, fresh-smelling Danish men, would want to get it on with Saxon chicks who must have smelled pretty ripe even after coming in from a heavy rain shower...

There's no accounting for human nature; maybe there's something hot about doing a chick who smells like a hog wallow...? Guys? Answers on crisp, unused $100 bills to the address below...

 

[colddiesel]

1500 years later the Danes are still at it, impregnating respectable Englishwomen all over the place!

When the UK brought in the legal requirement that all British sperm donors had to be registered and their identity made known to their biological offspring, British men promptly stopped donating. The main replacements - anonymous Danes.

Unintended consequences methinks ?

 

[Handley_Page]

1500 years later the Danes are still at it, impregnating respectable Englishwomen all over the place!

When the UK brought in the legal requirement that all British sperm donors had to be registered and their identity made known to their biological offspring, British men promptly stopped donating. The main replacements - anonymous Danes.

Unintended consequences methinks ?

But they do it quietly these days.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

But they do it quietly these days.

No they don't; take a walk along almost any beach from Antibes to Marseille any Summer night and you're tripping over randy, vocal Scandinavians giving English tourist girls unintended consequences left, right, and center; the number of Brit girls we get coming in to see us the last day of their holiday to ask us what we think this rash is, and why does it burn when she pees is literally beyond counting, and I'm sure a goodly amount of them take home a passenger they didn't arrive with...

 

[pollyannaowt]

One has to wonder why Danish men, clean, fresh-smelling Danish men, would want to get it on with Saxon chicks who must have smelled pretty ripe even after coming in from a heavy rain shower...

Testosterone?

 

[ChloeTzang]

No they don't; take a walk along almost any beach from Antibes to Marseille any Summer night and you're tripping over randy, vocal Scandinavians giving English tourist girls unintended consequences left, right, and center; the number of Brit girls we get coming in to see us the last day of their holiday to ask us what we think this rash is, and why does it burn when she pees is literally beyond counting, and I'm sure a goodly amount of them take home a passenger they didn't arrive with...

Yep. I volunteered at College in a student health clinic, mostly with Asian foreign students, female, and a lot of it was education on unintended consequences and preventative measures.... sighs

 

[SimonDoom]

I suppose you could see the Trojan War as the ultimate BTB story.

Menelaus marries Helen, the hottest hot wife on Earth.

Paris from Troy meets Helen and they get it on, and he takes her away from Menelaus, to Troy.

In return, Menelaus gathers his friends, including Odysseus and Agamemnon. They have beers together, and commiserate over the evils of cheating women, and then together they wipe out Troy.

That's a story to make any BTB fan proud. Don't just burn the B; burn down the whole civilization of her suitor.

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

I suppose you could see the Trojan War as the ultimate BTB story.

Menelaus marries Helen, the hottest hot wife on Earth.

Paris from Troy meets Helen and they get it on, and he takes her away from Menelaus, to Troy.

In return, Menelaus gathers his friends, including Odysseus and Agamemnon. They have beers together, and commiserate over the evils of cheating women, and then together they wipe out Troy.

That's a story to make any BTB fan proud. Don't just burn the B; burn down the whole civilization of her suitor.

Somebody run with this. Six guys cooped up inside a wooden horse? All sweaty, in the dark, anonymity spurring bicuriosity? Some Trojan archer with a foot fetish taking down Achilles? Cassandra warning about Greek gifts, because she doesn’t do anal? Then Odysseus having to explain why it took so long to get home, you know how these business trips are, and it’s not like he could say no to Circe. Keep it at 750 words. Go.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

No they don't; take a walk along almost any beach from Antibes to Marseille any Summer night and you're tripping over randy, vocal Scandinavians giving English tourist girls unintended consequences left, right, and center; the number of Brit girls we get coming in to see us the last day of their holiday to ask us what we think this rash is, and why does it burn when she pees is literally beyond counting, and I'm sure a goodly amount of them take home a passenger they didn't arrive with...

That sounds like the Scandinavian men learned to be a bit less well-kempt for the English girls. . .

 

[ChloeTzang]

I suppose you could see the Trojan War as the ultimate BTB story.

Menelaus marries Helen, the hottest hot wife on Earth.

Paris from Troy meets Helen and they get it on, and he takes her away from Menelaus, to Troy.

In return, Menelaus gathers his friends, including Odysseus and Agamemnon. They have beers together, and commiserate over the evils of cheating women, and then together they wipe out Troy.

That's a story to make any BTB fan proud. Don't just burn the B; burn down the whole civilization of her suitor.

Oooooooooh. I like

 

[Bramblethorn]

I suppose you could see the Trojan War as the ultimate BTB story.

Menelaus marries Helen, the hottest hot wife on Earth.

Paris from Troy meets Helen and they get it on, and he takes her away from Menelaus, to Troy.

In return, Menelaus gathers his friends, including Odysseus and Agamemnon. They have beers together, and commiserate over the evils of cheating women, and then together they wipe out Troy.

That's a story to make any BTB fan proud. Don't just burn the B; burn down the whole civilization of her suitor.

Don't forget what happens to Agamemnon afterwards. I suspect that would earn a few 1-bombs in LW.

 

[SimonDoom]

Don't forget what happens to Agamemnon afterwards. I suspect that would earn a few 1-bombs in LW.

Probably. But it might be offset a bit by how Odysseus handles the suitors. The BTBers love that, I'm sure.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Probably. But it might be offset a bit by how Odysseus handles the suitors. The BTBers love that, I'm sure.

Dammit. Now I'm gonna hafta brush up on my Greek mythology/history or whatever...

 

[Bramblethorn]

Dammit. Now I'm gonna hafta brush up on my Greek mythology/history or whatever...

Agamemnon goes off to war for ten years, acquires various pretty slave girls along the way, then comes home to be murdered by his wife and/or the lover she's taken in his absence.

Ulysses/Odysseus comes home after ten years at war and another decade of troubles on the way back, to find that his wife Penelope is being pestered by suitors who want to marry her, but she's been doing her best to stall them. He kills the suitors and then kills the serving girls who'd slept with the suitors.

I suspect one of those stories would play better than the other on LW.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Somebody run with this. Six guys cooped up inside a wooden horse? All sweaty, in the dark, anonymity spurring bicuriosity? Some Trojan archer with a foot fetish taking down Achilles? Cassandra warning about Greek gifts, because she doesn’t do anal? Then Odysseus having to explain why it took so long to get home, you know how these business trips are, and it’s not like he could say no to Circe. Keep it at 750 words. Go.

‘Ware splinters...

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I suppose you could see the Trojan War as the ultimate BTB story.

Menelaus marries Helen, the hottest hot wife on Earth.

Paris from Troy meets Helen and they get it on, and he takes her away from Menelaus, to Troy.

In return, Menelaus gathers his friends, including Odysseus and Agamemnon. They have beers together, and commiserate over the evils of cheating women, and then together they wipe out Troy.

That's a story to make any BTB fan proud. Don't just burn the B; burn down the whole civilization of her suitor.

Don’t forget the contest of the goddesses to determine who’s the fairest. Paris, "lucky" bugger, is elected judge. After the big three offer bribes, he picks Aphrodite, who then hooks him up with Helen, as promised. The other two contestants - Hera & Athena - get a lil ticked & spur on the shenanigans as revenge for the slight Paris gave them.

Of course those bribes are rather fine fodder to fuck around with...

Oh, and don’t forget Odysseus really didn’t want to sail off to war, to the point of acting crazy as hell and sewing salt in the beaches with a plow...

 

[SimonDoom]

Don’t forget the contest of the goddesses to determine who’s the fairest. Paris, "lucky" bugger, is elected judge. After the big three offer bribes, he picks Aphrodite, who then hooks him up with Helen, as promised. The other two contestants - Hera & Athena - get a lil ticked & spur on the shenanigans as revenge for the slight Paris gave them.

Of course those bribes are rather fine fodder to fuck around with...

Oh, and don’t forget Odysseus really didn’t want to sail off to war, to the point of acting crazy as hell and sewing salt in the beaches with a plow...

A History of the World, as told by Literotica authors, could be very entertaining.

 

[vanmyers86]

A History of the World, as told by Literotica authors, could be very entertaining.

"Hot History" - Now that's a story event we should do!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

"Hot History" - Now that's a story event we should do!

In the beginning, they were buck naked, alone in a garden . . .

Although I do like the Sumerian versions. After all, Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth, stood under an apple tree and looked down. "Oh! What a wond'rous vulva I have!" and she went off to visit Enki, the God of Knowledge. She promptly drank him under the table, and happily accepted all the gifts of knowledge he gave her.