Love X's 2?

[muddpuppy]

Does anyone here feel that it is possible to be IN LOVE with two different people at the same time?
I have been in several relationships, I know the difference between like, lust and love... The thought has probably crossed your mind that I am two-timing but I'm not.
Just wondering what your thoughts are on the subject.

Thank you ~

 

[SweetErika]

Of course it's possible to be in love with multiple people; why wouldn't it be? Most in our society either don't allow it, or they deny it.

There's no definitive quantity of love, nor is love divisable. When a woman has another child, she doesn't love the first one(s) any less, or have trouble loving the new child. Similarly, you don't love your bf any less because you love the other guy - you love each on an individual basis because they're different people and relationships, right?

Do some research on polyamory. There are some excellent articles explaining the concept of loving more than one.

When I figured out I could love more than one person, and doing so felt best to me, I talked to my husband. He didn't see a problem since it was clear I was devoted to him and others weren't a threat to our relationship, so we agreed to give practical polyamory a try. We worked out the logistics and rules to protect our relationship (e.g. I plan to spend time with others when he's otherwise occupied so it doesn't take anything away from him/us), communicated a lot more, and have found it to work wonderfully for us.

So, now that you know how you feel, I think you need to figure out what you want to do with it. If you want to be monogamous, great, but maybe polyamory (whatever that means to YOU - it's different for each of us) is worth exploring for you.

 

[MagicFingers]

Absolutely, yes

I'm sure one can be in love with more than one person.
We love our parents, grandparents, kids, friends, celebrities, etc, don't we?
I know falling "In Love" with a man or woman is a little different, but there is no reason we can't be in love with more than one, except for our learned morals and society restrictions. And maybe legal restrictions.

So, go for it, and keep your minds open to the problems, communicate the issues, and good luck to you all.

For, if so many of us have problems making a 2-some relationship last, a 3-some must be at least 50% harder.

 

[muddpuppy]

SweetErica: Thank you for your feedback, i did read up on poly and it sounds like something that I could handle. Unfortunately, my guy would never agree to do such a thing. He's not that open minded
Its just not his thing and really, I can understand why. Maybe, if he were to find himself in a certain situation, his outlook would be different.
So, for me... I would have to make a choice, I would have to choose between them. I can't have them both.
Thank you, SweetErica
MagicFingers: I would also like to thank you for your comments... you do bring up a great point... Now, I know that its normal to feel this way.

 

[eudaemonia]

SweetErica: Thank you for your feedback, i did read up on poly and it sounds like something that I could handle. Unfortunately, guy number one would never agree to do such a thing. He's not that open minded

Guy #1 would never agree to do what, exactly? Read about polyamory? Talk about it with you? Assent to it? I'm just trying to get a fix on what you believe he's not "open minded" about.

Talking about it and assenting to it entail different assessments about openness.

For example, if he simply won't talk about it -- assuming of course that subject has been broached and with due care and consideration -- then the ball is in your court. It's for you to determine whether you can handle alone all the feelings and decisions that can't be shared with Lover #1.

If, OTOH, it the two of you have discussed the subject with mutual care and consideration (you with regard to the possibility for inducing hurt feelings on his part; and him with regard to giving you a charitable hearing about the nature of your needs), and he has been willing to understand poly to the best of his ability to do so, and *still* he cannot give you his assent to it, then the idea that he lacks openness is not a fair conclusion.

Its just not his thing and really, I can understand why. Maybe, if he were to find himself in my situation, his outlook would be different.

If poly is "not his thing", then how would he ever find himself in a situation such as yours? I think a crucial link in the chain of understanding is missing:

1) Poly is not his thing (by nature or nuture)
2) He would never put himself into the situation [of living with dual loves] (by conscious decision) <== missing link
-------------------------------
3) He would never find himself in the situation [of living with dual loves] (foregone conclusion)

I think you're absolutely dead on when you speculate that his outlook would be different if found himself in your shoes. Of course he would! But the speculative depends upon whether he would go so far as to choose to focus his time, attention and energy on more than one person.

Maybe this is the more crucial question to ask? Because I think then it's easier to make decisions about whether you can consent to a long-term, singularly exclusive relationship or not.

 

[muddpuppy]

Eudaemonia: I'm not speculating, he has made his feelings about these things very clear. He dont want to talk about, think about or even read about anything that has to do with him sharing me with another man. So, yes he is closed minded on this subject as well as many others to fullfill my needs.

Also, he has absolutely no problem focusing his time and attention on more than one person, that is the reason we had our little break, only he was'nt honest and upfront about it, he did it all behind my back (thats behind us now).
Guy # 1 is on a one way street, whats okay for him is not okay for me.
For example: Its okay if he goes out with his friends... Its not okay for me.
Its okay if we bring a woman in the bedroom... Its not okay if I bring a man.
??? understand ???

I have no problem being with one man and only one man.
I just found myself, for the first time in my life having feelings for two different men. One, I havent even had no contact with...
I have'nt done anything about it.
Someone suggested poly and I looked it up, thats all. I have no issues with commitment. I know that I cant have them both... I know that I have to make a choice, and I do believe I have made my choice clear.
I wanted to know if anyone else has ever felt the things that Im feeling or if it was even possible.
I had to know if I was truly in love or if I had some kind of mixed up feelings that I was confusing for love.

Thank you for comment's and your time ~

 

[Starbuck69]

Guy # 1 is on a one way street, whats okay for him is not okay for me.
For example: Its okay if he goes out with his friends... Its not okay for me.
Its okay if we bring a woman in the bedroom... Its not okay if I bring a man.
??? understand ???

muddpuppy, I agree it is very possible and even normal at times to love more than one person. I dont see that as being a issue for you, because what ever you decide to do one love will grow and the other will fade over time.

The issue's that I see is:
1. Its not ok for you to go out with your friends, this is a big issue, because it is showing lack of trust and also insecurities in him.

2. Its ok for another woman but not another man, this is telling me that its ok for him to have one of his fantasies but not you, or at least to have more.

Those are the two major things that I can see.

Sure even I will fantisize about being with two woman but I never would because for one I know I could never share my wife with another man so there is no reason for her to share me with another woman.

And know one should be so controlled that they can not go out with there friends if that is what they want.

So if this is truly what guy #1 is like then I think you should be rethinking about if you really want to be with a gut like that, and that does not mean go to guy #2, but to just think about the relationship that you have with guy #1.

 

[muddpuppy]

Starbuck69: Yes, guy number one is very insecure... He does have his reasons, I have been open with him and he does know that I have a thing for guy number two. Since we live in a kinda small town, its not hard to run into somebody you know. So, guy number one is afraid that I will run into guy number two.
Also, taking into consideration the problems we had in the past, he could also be worried that i might stray because he did.
Guy number one told me that when we move, things will be different... I will have more freedom and he wont have to worry about where I have been or who I have seen.
So, i can kinda understand where he is coming from but he should be able to trust that i will not do anything about it.

Thank you Starbuck69 for your insights ~

 

[Starbuck69]

Where you live does not change the trust issue. But only you can deside what is right for you.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness

 

[muddpuppy]

Thank you, I wish the same for you as well