LOVE....in perspective

[RoyceConnors]

It's always interesting to see and hear the word love used in so many different contexts. What do you think love is and how does it work? Let's get a global perspective from males and females and see if we can all get on the same page about what it is. Too many seem to be getting it all wrong and we might be able to set things straight for many and put them on the right path to happiness, which we all want.

So let's see what you all think about love. Why does it make you feel the way you do and make you do the things you do? What do you need to have before you will love someone? Can it be unconditional? Let's share our thoughts on it.

 

[LWulf]

Hrm. Not sure how far this will go but lets give it a shot...

Love is a call girl who reduces her rates for you because you're a pathetic repeat customer.

 

[beachbaby179]

Well that was less than helpful...

Unconditional love? only for my children. I think all others are breakable. Probably my cynical perspective because of life experience. But people can disappoint you, break promises, do things they swore they would never do, and once trust goes out the window, love follows closely behind.

 

[TheSilverLining]

There is only one answer to this question:

ETA: fairly sure this was also less than helpful, but it's where my mind took it.

 

[meop79]

https://sp.yimg.com/ib/th?id=JN.xzoOwIDaojEuPdHCHNBwcw&pid=15.1&P=0

 

[JudasIscariot]

Love is a word that is thrown around far to often and far to easy.

It's also probably the best word to use during a lie.

 

[ridinghood]

Love is a word that is thrown around far to often and far to easy.

It's also probably the best word to use during a lie.

I love you!

 

[Deprived_in_AZ]

All get on the same page? That will never happen because everyone has their own ideas about it.

I'm rather upset tonight so I'll stop there so as to not get on to a rant!

 

[janeyl]

All get on the same page? That will never happen because everyone has their own ideas about it.

I'm rather upset tonight so I'll stop there so as to not get on to a rant!

That was my exact thought when I read this. It's something so individual and something so influenced and adulterated by what we watch, read, are preached to about and culturally that I don't believe it could ever be possible to have just one definition. We all do it differently, and who am I to tell someone else how to do it?

(((((((((((Dee)))))))))) for whatever has you upset xx

 

[Deprived_in_AZ]

That was my exact thought when I read this. It's something so individual and something so influenced and adulterated by what we watch, read, are preached to about and culturally that I don't believe it could ever be possible to have just one definition. We all do it differently, and who am I to tell someone else how to do it?

(((((((((((Dee)))))))))) for whatever has you upset xx

Thanks darling (((((janey)))))

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

Answer the question...please.

Well RC, you've sparked some feedback, but little input into the question at hand. Funny enough, I had a few hours last evening discussing this very question with a friend of mine. We didn't come up with any global answers, but I believe I may have made him think a little more on the subject and possibly opened his mind to additional criteria and ideas about love.

I do believe each individual will define love differently. It's a rather subjective ideal and based largely on personal growth and development. Family, friends, society, and a whole hosts of characters and events play a role in how each individual sees and defines love.

My feeling is that you have a few characteristics that have to be present (for me) in order for me to initiate the thought of "loving" someone. That's different from "being in love" with someone. I'm going to focus on male/female love. First, I have to feel a likeness for them, there has to be some characteristics that are important to me found in the person. Examples: kind, caring, intelligent, good sense of humor (according to me), ability to hear/listen, ability to hold silence together, understanding, compassionate, have some sense of spirituality, and a few others.

I define being in love when the following occurs: 1. I want to be around or with that person more than I want to be alone or with anyone else. 2. I think of them often when they are not present. 3. I value their opinion and I think of how my decisions on things will affect them. 4. I place their needs, wants, happiness before my own. I'm more happy when they are happy. If I play a role in their happiness, bonus points.

If I get to number 4, I'm probably "in love". That's my defining characteristic for being "in love."

Do you plan on sharing your thoughts on love and being in love?

 

[RoyceConnors]

My thoughts on love...


First, I had to understand what love is, at least to me and realize with irrefutable truth and proof, that love can not exist without pain. No matter what we love, be it human, pet or inanimate object, if we invest emotion into it, the same level of pain will be felt in relation to how much we love it. All things come to an end and when it does, there is an inherent pain that comes with it when it does.

I had to look at that truth, to decide if I wanted to love a woman and be prepared to feel the pain of loving her. We all give our hearts to the ones we love, but when they're gone, in whatever way from our lives, we feel the pain of heartache and more from the loss.

I chose to love a woman in one way only and that was to do what I could to make each day with me the happiest I could make them. It was all so simple to me to look at a relationship and see what it should be based on. I've heard so many wish for the elusive unconditional love, but we are programmed from the start to put conditions on loving someone.

It took the love of my Puppy, wee black lamb that he is, to show me what true unconditional love was. It all stemmed from a crude joke I was told, but what it said spoke volumes to me. The joke was about locking your wife and dog in the trunk and going golfing and opening it and seeing which one is happy to see you.
Disgusting joke, but it held an undeniable truth in it. Unconditional love means instant forgiveness and truly forgetting and moving on from it.

Love is the beauty I feel in my heart for myself and how I want to share it with someone. I'm open and free, ready to enjoy whatever life has to offer us, whatever way we choose to find the pleasures in it together.

Every relationship, from the one you have with yourself, to the one you have with the world and everything in it, should be based on 3 things. Respect, Trust and then Love in that order. At no time can either feel a sense of ownership or control over someone, or unfair denial will result and constant unhappiness will ensue until resolved.

I'm ready to hurt more than I ever have before in my life with the right woman, if she's willing to hurt with me just as much. Then I know I found true love.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

RC, I appreciate your comments and agree with most of what you said in your "thoughts on love." My favorite statement and the one I agree with most strongly is:

Every relationship, from the one you have with yourself, to the one you have with the world and everything in it, should be based on 3 things. Respect, Trust and then Love in that order. At no time can either feel a sense of ownership or control over someone, or unfair denial will result and constant unhappiness will ensue until resolved.

I frequently speak about trust and respect in relationships, all relationships. Often people think I have an issue with trust because I place such a high value on it. I don't understand how anyone does not place a high value on it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Apple

 

[DoRaMe]

I will let you know once I figure this one out.

 

[RoyceConnors]

I concur with much of what Apple says (as usual your wisdom abounds).
RC - I am a little surprised and pleased to see you so introspective.

For me, I "love" many rather easily; however, this is entirely different from being "in love" and forming a bond based on trust and respect that has endurance over time. I will use the word "love" to connote deep affection and friendship that has no sexual overtones what-so-ever.
Having recently found myself in the unenviable position of inadvertently shaking the trust I had cultivated over 3 decades with my love, my husband, my best friend, and my Dom, by unwittingly being too careless with my caring and affection towards others (not him) - even though I believed it to be within bounds and not a threat to my marriage - I would aver that trust is essential and should never ever ever be taken for granted with the one you love most of all.

I also find the best example of unconditional love to be my sweet Husky dog. (He is also a good bed sleeper - never kicks or hogs the covers - lol)

I have my moments where I actually say something meaningful. Once in a while it's worth posting something like that in here. I'll go back to being a GIF posting perv again now.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

I have my moments where I actually say something meaningful. Once in a while it's worth posting something like that in here. I'll go back to being a GIF posting perv again now.

Well, I enjoyed learning a little about your "softer" side. Actually, I've lurked on that thread you post on and I appreciate both sides of your coin~!

 

[NeonSubtlety]

It's just so hard for me to believe that love is a singular feeling, a la "when you feel it, you'll know it." And if it is, i haven't felt it. But I do believe I've been in love.

To me, love is a threshold of so many feelings that it's daunting or impossible to quantify or even qualify. The feelings that I, personally, feel are inherent in the "formula" are respect and admiration, desperation and neediness, responsibility and pride, lust and intrigue.

Love is what you feel when each of those things, and all of them, have been triggered to an extent to leave you clueless as to who you are without those things in your life. I love because I've been changed by someone to such an extent that I'm not who I believe myself to be without her.

It's an egocentric way to think about it (those that know me aren't surprised) because love, by my definition, has to do more with who I am than who she is. But that's what I currently feel. It's not a mantra or anything. I'm not set on my definition. But, up to this point in my life, the feelings I've deacribed have most closely matched what I've read/seen and what others have told me about what it is to be in love.

 

[coochiebarber]

Love is the weakest and most vulnerable feeling in a relationship that could be and have been exploited cruelly.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

It's always interesting to see and hear the word love used in so many different contexts. What do you think love is and how does it work? Let's get a global perspective from males and females and see if we can all get on the same page about what it is. Too many seem to be getting it all wrong and we might be able to set things straight for many and put them on the right path to happiness, which we all want.

So let's see what you all think about love. Why does it make you feel the way you do and make you do the things you do? What do you need to have before you will love someone? Can it be unconditional? Let's share our thoughts on it.

I love most people, the problem comes when my love and their love are not the same type nor degree. Love is a word used to describe a state of caring and respect.

It can also mean your heart no longer belongs to you but, that it belongs to someone else.

I've only given my heart away once.... many years ago...
When he had to leave I was devastated. I realize now that I never really recovered from that loss. We were just kids and it is not supposed to work like that. But, it did, and it hurt more than I care to think about when he left.
The remainder of my life has been a series of hurts both done to me and my doing to them. I was never able to fully trust anyone ever again.

I got older and started searching for him. Hard. To the point where it was kinda stalker like. Once a year I called every single R. Jones in TN. Seeking, searching, hoping and praying I'd find him.

After this last divorce, I decided not to call this year. I'm obviously a hot mess that no one wants to bother with, so why rain on his parade should I find him?

Turns out he was looking for me too... 23 yrs we mutually stalked each other...
Now that he's found me I feel safe. I feel whole, there is still one more part of me that is missing, I know this and so does he. But for now, we are happy, and we are going to see this through.

To me love, real true love, like in the story books is when you give yourself over to someone and they do the same in return. Trusting fully that you are safe in each others arms. Not just for the moment but, always and forevermore.
Always this and nothing more.

I do believe someone above listens to us when we speak with our hearts. Sometimes the answer is no. However, every once in awhile the answer is yes.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[numeniusa]

Wow, I love that ^^^

I so want this to work out for you...

 

[RoyceConnors]

Well, I enjoyed learning a little about your "softer" side. Actually, I've lurked on that thread you post on and I appreciate both sides of your coin~!

Don't take me wrong RC - I like both sides of you
...and there is no doubt that you are a thoughtful person in general. I enjoy your posts of all kinds. now I need to get busy and read some of your writings too.

Ty ladies

I do appreciate how everyone has opened up about love and what it means to them and what it's done. I hope more will share their perspective and maybe love won't seem so elusive.

It's safe to say the first thing love needs to happen is respect and unwavering trust between both parties. It's also safe to say, that each has to have that for themselves first.

So what do you think love is, the invisible force that rules us so strongly? That has the power to heal and tear us apart so easily.

 

[RoyceConnors]

I was thinking of some of the replies and it brought a thought on something. How much of your love based on a person's looks and how much on personality, as well as how much on character? When we first meet and feel that 'love', how much of it is based on those and how much does it change over time to what is more important?

I know the initial attraction is purely physical in RL, but so many find an attraction to a person just from what they post here, so how much is based on looks?

Love is a surface feeling at the start, but what makes it grow deeper in you as you share your life with another person? Looks change, so what one factor about a person must remain constant for that love to happen and grow for you?

 

[xxxLunaxxx]

Well that was less than helpful...

Unconditional love? only for my children. I think all others are breakable. Probably my cynical perspective because of life experience. But people can disappoint you, break promises, do things they swore they would never do, and once trust goes out the window, love follows closely behind.

I wish it was the same for me, but I still seem to love, even when all those things you've listed happen. I can be utterly heartbroken by someone and still love them. A part of me is glad for that, that I don't let their actions change who I am. But a larger part of me wishes I weren't that way, because then maybe love wouldn't hurt so much.

 

[RoyceConnors]

I find it interesting, RC, that you posit in your query that love starts with an initial pure physical attraction. This may well be true for some, or for you - or perhaps more for men than for women, I don't know. I would concur that there needs to be some kind of, umm shall we call it "chemistry"? in order for things to progress at all romantically and ultimately move to a deeper connection in the form of love.

In my case, both of the men that I formed deep bonds with were not really on my radar as being who I thought I would be most likely to be physically attracted to ~ however ~ they each became my friend first. And I learned to trust them - their judgment, their character. I liked the way they thought and I appreciated and shared their values. The more I got to know them, the more attracted I became to them - every part of them. And yes, the chemistry was there. And so, when the friendship turned romantic, there was a basis for romance and attraction. Which was bolstered by all of the things that I liked about who they were - at heart. These are character traits. Which I would say are essential for love to blossom at all.

The man I chose to marry and who is now, 30 years later, also my Dom, is my love because I trust him implicitly. And that trust is based on oh-so-many things. A mutual respect. A shared life and values. He is the one who can make me laugh and who seems to understand me, weird quirks, idiosyncrasies, compulsions and all. And who will do anything for me out of that love. So the question of personality...well - you do have to enjoy their company, laugh at their jokes, have the silence between you not be awkward. But the foundation is trust, I believe, over everything else.

And yes, while looks do change over time...(neither of us have the bodies or hair color of our 20 year-old selves), I dare say I am just as attracted to him and the chemistry is just as potent as it was 30 years ago.

I dare say that is LOVE.

I don't know - did I respond to your query, RC? or just blather on?

Ty CB Your response echoes my words, in that you found love in someone and it wasn't based on looks. I believe people can fall in love with someone and never see them. When the 'chemistry' is there, looks aren't as important as what that person brings to your life. I'm happy you found your true love and I'm sure it will last long after looks have faded.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

To those of you who are pondering the question of "What is love?" or anything even remotely similar, I have a few questions and would appreciate your feedback.
(The questions are specific to the male/female coupling or that of two adults. They are not in reference to parent/child love etc.)

1. What do you see as the difference between "being in love" and "loving"?
2. Do you believe one person can be "in love" if the partner in the relationship is not "in love"?
3. What instance, occurrence, or happening in a relationship is what allows you to say, "I'm in love"?

Freely add any information you think is relative to the topic and questions.

Thanks in advance for your time and response.
Apple