Love and Free Will

[Liar]

A thing a friend of mine saidf the other day threw me slightly off balance.

"Lately, I've had the hardest time falling in love. I try to like I used to do, but it's just not happening."

"Wait," I said. "Trying to fall in love?"

"Duh, ya," she said as if it was thwe most natural thing in the world. And then she went on about her romantical woes as if that was that. And I didn't get a word up about it until I had forgotten about it for the time being.

Now, to me, the concept of trying to fall in love is like winding up a rock. It's a rock. They don't work that way. And love is love is love, it happens or not. It strikes where it pleases, and no matter what I do, it does, or doesn't.

Or am I weird here? Can you control falling in love?

 

[cloudy]

I can't. I'm like you in that respect.

A lot of times, its even pissed me off, because I don't want to love who I love.

 

[cantdog]

Oh, yeah! I like this thread!

 

[impressive]

I don't think you can make yourself do it. However, I think you can remove yourself from exposure when you feel it start to happen -- step away from it until the madness passes.

 

[English Lady]

Oh, I certainly don't try to fall n love, it just happens and I trip into infatuation regularly but I can undersand the "trying" thing. People want to fall in love, so they try to do it, often by deluding themselves, I see it in someone close fairly regularly -it's always ended in heartache.

 

[buxxxom]

I think when you try to fall in love, it's because of who someone is, because of certain traits they have. When love happens, for me, it's always been in spite of things. In spite of how they do little things that annoy me, in spite of the fact that our likes and dislikes aren't the same.

 

[Belegon]

I can't conceive of "trying to fall in love". At least, not the way it sounds there. I mean, that sounds like falling in love is something common and coordinated.

"I've been trying to find shoes to match this dress, but I just can't get into shopping anymore."

Something like that. I mean, it sounds like a quote that would be from the movie Clueless.

Now, I can see someone saying that they tried to make themselves fall in love with a person... say, with a person that everybody else feels is perfect for them? Someone their parents like, all their friends like... someone that has excellent qualities that counter their own weaknesses?

I can even see it being successful to a certain point.

But to set out fall in love like you were setting out to lose 10 pounds before bathing suit season?

Blech!

 

[SensualCealy]

I agree, I don't think you can try to fall in love, it happens. You have to have that spark of interest, something to make you tingle, something to keep that someone in your mind all the time, even when you dont want them there.

If you don't have that, is that not just friendship? I guess it would be different if you knew someone had the lust for you, something in you that sets the spark in someone else and you feel the need to feel the same way about them.

Not sure if it could or couldnt work out if the same sparks didnt ignite in both people over each other.

The statement makes you think though doesnt it?
C

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I think you can. I think its entirely possible to control the factors that go into falling in love such that one can avoid it.

 

[English Lady]

I think you can. I think its entirely possible to control the factors that go into falling in love such that one can avoid it.

I think I disagree BUT I guess it will depend what we mean by "falling in love"

I don't think you can control the great big, hits you in the face, love of your life, soulmates, made for each other, fate-y type love. I think you can control more infatuation/lust kind of love, maybe.

 

[rgraham666]

Falling in love is pretty much a matter of coincidence in my opinion. That's not always a good thing as it's quite possible to fall in love with someone who is very bad for you. I found that out through experience.

I think that trying to fall in love might help you fall in love, in the same way rolling dice can help you win a craps game. If you don't bet you can't win after all.

 

[Belegon]

Falling in love is pretty much a matter of coincidence in my opinion. That's not always a good thing as it's quite possible to fall in love with someone who is very bad for you. I found that out through experience.

Dude, you just described my first 35 years on this planet...

I think that trying to fall in love might help you fall in love, in the same way rolling dice can help you win a craps game. If you don't bet you can't win after all.

well, you have to give yourself the chance maybe... although I've always found a girlfriend the moment I STOPPED looking for one, ya know?

but this...

"Lately, I've had the hardest time falling in love. I try to like I used to do, but it's just not happening."

... is more than just rolling the dice. This is trying to hold them in your hand in such a way that you make sure you roll a seven.

 

[The_Fool]

I say that there is no such thing as poetry. Should I say there is no such thing as love?

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I think I disagree BUT I guess it will depend what we mean by "falling in love"

I don't think you can control the great big, hits you in the face, love of your life, soulmates, made for each other, fate-y type love. I think you can control more infatuation/lust kind of love, maybe.

I guess I mean to say that one can stay away from certain things--cut short or distance one's self. Can't fall in love if you never really open up, I think.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

I don't think you can make yourself do it. However, I think you can remove yourself from exposure when you feel it start to happen -- step away from it until the madness passes.

That's me. Always pull away. Attachment is bad... for now, until I can handle the B.S. that goes with it. I find it hard to believe that you can make yourself fall.

People want to fall in love, so they try to do it, often by deluding themselves...

Deluding... That's the word. I don't believe you can try to, that's attempting to make yourself do it. However, you can make yourself believe it. I believe that's called "crazy," and the word that would follow seems most likely to be "stalker."

Q_C

 

[English Lady]

I guess I mean to say that one can stay away from certain things--cut short or distance one's self. Can't fall in love if you never really open up, I think.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see. Though I still disagree, but I'm ever the romantic

 

[English Lady]

Deluding... That's the word. I don't believe you can try to, that's attempting to make yourself do it. However, you can make yourself believe it. I believe that's called "crazy," and the word that would follow seems most likely to be "stalker."

Q_C

Yes, that's what I meant, well, I wouldn'ty go so far as stalker, that's all you

(Cool AV btw)

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Yes, that's what I meant, well, I wouldn't go so far as stalker, that's all you

(Cool AV btw)

Um... No, I am not a stalker...

*says Q_C from the lowest branch of the tree outside EL's bedroom window*



I simply mean that people who build "natural" attachments, ones that simply develop, tend to value the attachment for what it is, and therefore are less likely to hold on to it when it is no longer present for them. I don't believe that people who love the idea of attachment have it so simple. Ideas, IMO, are not so easily cast aside. Feelings tend to be natural reactions to surroundings, whereas thoughts are more controlled by the individual. Control over such a thing as feelings, real or imagined, is a dangerous thing.

Q_C

 

[buxxxom]

I think you can. I think its entirely possible to control the factors that go into falling in love such that one can avoid it.

There's a whole romance novel industry that would disagree with you!

 

[English Lady]

Um... No, I am not a stalker...

*says Q_C from the lowest branch of the tree outside EL's bedroom window*



I simply mean that people who build "natural" attachments, ones that simply develop, tend to value the attachment for what it is, and therefore are less likely to hold on to it when it is no longer present for them. I don't believe that people who love the idea of attachment have it so simple. Ideas, IMO, are not so easily cast aside. Feelings tend to be natural reactions to surroundings, whereas thoughts are more controlled by the individual. Control over such a thing as feelings, real or imagined, is a dangerous thing.

Q_C

QC, you make me laugh.


Yes, I can see what you mean that's a good way of putting it.

 

[jomar]

I don't think you can make yourself do it. However, I think you can remove yourself from exposure when you feel it start to happen -- step away from it until the madness passes.

Or, on the other hand, fool yourself into thinking you're in love.

 

[gauchecritic]

"Lately, I've had the hardest time falling in love. I try to like I used to do, but it's just not happening."

I'm not sure there's any control thing going on here. It seems to me that she's saying she used to be open to falling in love but now she isn't.

You know how high school girls have their exercise books filled with hearts and flowers and the names of 50 to 100 guys/girls that they on one page and the next?

(and they practice writing their married name too)

Maybe it's that kind of love that she misses. That's just missing the thrill of youth when everything is exciting and fresh.

If she had experienced the kind of love that I think we're all referring to I don't think she'd put it in the same category.

 

[3113]

You know how high school girls have their exercise books filled with hearts and flowers and the names of 50 to 100 guys/girls that they on one page and the next?

(and they practice writing their married name too)

Maybe it's that kind of love that she misses. That's just missing the thrill of youth when everything is exciting and fresh.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. There are girls (and, hey, guys) who enjoy "Falling in love" with whatever sexy person they happen to meet or see or be with. It isn't real love, per se. If it was, they wouldn't be able to "fall" into and out of it so easily. it's not "love" so much as a crush, infatuation, or raw lust. The "trying" to fall in love happens when you consciously decide that it's going to be more than that for you...and, as EL says, you pretty much delude yourself into believing that it *is* more.

You ignore whatever other evidence there is to the contrary (i.e., that it's not "love") and you say it is. And you act like it is. You sigh, and dream, and draw little hearts in your diary about the words "I'm *so* in love with ____!" Putting it another way, what they're really saying when they say, "Trying to fall in love" is that they're going to "try" to wrap their sexual attraction in romantic trappings, and "try" to give their physical lust an emotional veneer. That they want to gaze over at some guy/girl who catches their eye and decide that what they feel is "love"--a real connection, not just hormones.

And hey, maybe this is what love is to them. But I've found that people who think this way usually leave behind a lot of bitter, heartbroken ex's. They either fall out of love as easily as they fell in, or finally get hit with real love and leave. "Love" as a way to entertain yourself isn't real fair on the other person who might take you at your word and give you their heart.

 

[rgraham666]

"Love" as a way to entertain yourself isn't real fair on the other person who might take you at your word and give you their heart.

That's one of the reasons I took myself off the market.

 

[Guest]

That's one of the reasons I took myself off the market.

Probably a good thing for me then. I have very little "control" over love. It is or is not.