Lost

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Jan 14, 2008
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3
I am so confused. Here is my situation. I am submissive and have been for about 10 years. My partner and future husband is not. Obviously, I already see the problem but 8 years about, naive, I assumed my feelings would subside. 8 years later, a house, and wedding plans, they have not gone away. Which for the most part was okay. I learned to deal with frustrations and to talk to others online. So now here arrives my situtaion. During my conversations with people, I have developed an intense relationship with a Dom. male. I find myself with feelings and emotions that I have never had nor could even begin to describe. I never expected things to feel so intense and never mentioned that I was in a relationship nor was it asked, just assummed. My question is do I follow what I have always know and continue the stable route by cutting contact with this new person? Do I tell this new person everything and hope he is genuine and see what happens? Or do I not say anything at the moment and wait to see what progresses and then say something or make a descision.

I have been lost with thoughts and could really use others input without judgment. Thank you.
 
I am so confused. Here is my situation. I am submissive and have been for about 10 years. My partner and future husband is not. Obviously, I already see the problem but 8 years about, naive, I assumed my feelings would subside. 8 years later, a house, and wedding plans, they have not gone away. Which for the most part was okay. I learned to deal with frustrations and to talk to others online. So now here arrives my situtaion. During my conversations with people, I have developed an intense relationship with a Dom. male. I find myself with feelings and emotions that I have never had nor could even begin to describe. I never expected things to feel so intense and never mentioned that I was in a relationship nor was it asked, just assummed. My question is do I follow what I have always know and continue the stable route by cutting contact with this new person? Do I tell this new person everything and hope he is genuine and see what happens? Or do I not say anything at the moment and wait to see what progresses and then say something or make a descision.

I have been lost with thoughts and could really use others input without judgment. Thank you.

You have not mentioned the option of talking to your soon to be husband? Does he know that you are emotionally involved with another man?

You'll not like what i am about to say, but i mean it honestly and from very much personal experience: Do not marry your soon to be.

It is not reasonable to expect that you can suppress your submissive desires/tendencies/needs for a lifetime. At some point, as i am sure you are already painfully aware, you will not be able to contain what happens in your heart.

Were i in your shoes, i would come clean to my betrothed first. Immediately after, i would tell the Dom how i feel and that i am personally attached to someone else.

Honesty is not easy, but it is and can only ever be the best policy.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

good luck.
 
From experience and observation- it will not go away.

Make your decisions based on this assumption. That these thoughts, desires, and feelings are going to recur again and again until you die or don't think about sex if that ever happens.

I would advise against the wedding without a discussion and without coming clean. Not necessarily about your relationship with the Dom, (it's really not the point, if you do end that) but about the fact that these desires are how they are and to let your partner know they are not going to go away and they're real. That if he wants to marry you he has to accept your sexuality or accept that there are needs you have that will need to be met elsewhere - a lot to accept, but being given the info and the option to do so seems fair.

AND I would advise against embarking on a relationship with the Dom, I'd give that a rest. It's not the Dom really, it's that he's facilitating something you need. You need to figure some stuff out before you can have the relationship you want, I imagine.
 
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All a lot easier said than done, of course.

But I've been there sort of and I've seen too many men in their forties and fifties who "tried to forget about it all and married vanilla" in a period of thinking they could put submission aside. I don't want to trade places there.
 
Honest advice from both of you. Thank you so much.

You're welcome, darling. i usually refrain from giving advice (because i basically suck at it), but something in your post spoke to me.

i am now going through a painful divorce-the result of my having denied my needs because i was ashamed to admit them, scared to face them. i married the anti-Dom and my best friend. Unfortunately, i don't fuck my friends. And i really needed a Dom.

The story isn't all sad.

After the breakup, i met the love of my life, my Daddy dom. i knew that i would have to meet Him and feel Him and scene with Him.

It has been amazing.
 
im really sorry about the situation you are in. i would have to agree with the "talk to him" people. its scary. its really scary. but it needs to be done. and i wouldnt neccessarily say your relationship is over. mavye your fiance will surprise you and want to try to be the dom yuo want. have you ever talked BDSM with him before? when i told A, my bf and dom, about my desires he surprised me by being more then interested. and two years later here we are.
 
Look inside

Look inside your heart and listen to what it is telling you I will say this if your happiness is part of your desire and your partner does not attempt to at least meet you halfway on some of your desires you will probably never be truly happy inside for we are only able to be truly happy with our lot in life when we ourselves are happy I think the hardest thing in life may be to understand that no matter who or what we love in life in terms of true happiness only we ourselves can do that and so you have to find inside of you what things in life will bring you true happiness and seek those things otherwise we tend to regret and wish and hope and mostly that doesnt bring our deepest desires we must seek them out for ourselves good luck with any decision you decide
 
I think my biggest phobia if if I mentioned to my partner of my submission, is that he would just "play" along. I'm not sure I could handle that very well.
 
I'm adding my voice to what others have said: it's not going to go away.

That's the assumption you have to start from in making your decisions.

Talk to him. There are more than one possible outcomes from being honest and open with him, and the relationship ending is certainly one of them. But remaining quiet about these desires and needs of yours for fear of losing him is basically denying him his right to make the best choice for himself.

I also think that you're denying yourself the possibility of being happy and satisfied by keeping those desires hidden.

I'm aware that all this is easier said then done. But I do think that the potential for immediate pain is never going to be worse than the cumulative pain of denying who you are and what you need for the years to come.
 
I'm adding my voice to what others have said: it's not going to go away.

That's the assumption you have to start from in making your decisions.

Talk to him. There are more than one possible outcomes from being honest and open with him, and the relationship ending is certainly one of them. But remaining quiet about these desires and needs of yours for fear of losing him is basically denying him his right to make the best choice for himself.

I also think that you're denying yourself the possibility of being happy and satisfied by keeping those desires hidden.

I'm aware that all this is easier said then done. But I do think that the potential for immediate pain is never going to be worse than the cumulative pain of denying who you are and what you need for the years to come.

I think DeservingBitch raises a very valid point. If you don't talk about it, it will drive you made and eat you up thinking about it. I'm a firm believer in it being better to live with the regret of doing something, than the regret of having never known. This finally got me to talk to my husband about my desire to be submissive (i'm a fairly dominant character in my day to day life) - but that has led me to Lit seeking advice - http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=565546 - the posts I've received have helped, and the best thing is that these guys speak from experience and offer constructive advice. Best of luck with whatever you do, but be true to yourself - it took me a long time to admit to myself what I needed and wanted - luckily I have a husband who is supportive of me exploring this (not necessarily with him!).
 
*nods*

Communication is a very vital tool in ANY relationship, whether it to be a vanilla or a D/s or a M/s relationship - or any kind of relationship.

So, with that, I urge for you to talk with your husband to be, and explain to him about your submissive needs, and how it have never gone away. After 8 years of keeping them in, I am not really surprised that they have shown up.

Like everyone else says...communcaite with your husband to be and explain to him about how you are feeling, and everything.

All the best of luck.

:rose:
 
On the flip side, consider this...

Your fiance may be in the same place I was 12 years ago. Hiding his kink from the world and miserable for it. Knowing that what he fantasized about, what he craved and needed was evil, sick, perverted. Knowing that if he ever expressed what he really felt like to you that you would reject him, that you would despise him, that he would lose all he holds dear. He may be just as afraid of revealing this part of himself as I was.

But you will never know until you come clean.

I had to stop living the lie, I had to be honest with myself and to do so I had to be honest with my then wife. I wanted to explore this with her, or barring that, I wanted to be able to be honest about having a non-sexual relationship with a submissive outside our marriage. Unfortunately my wife could not deal with this part of me and she wasn't willing to let me meet my needs elsewhere. She asked for a divorce.

It hurt like hell at that time, but I am better off for it now.

Who knows what will happen if you open this door? You may find out the love of your life will be the Dom of your dreams. You may find that he's loving and caring enough that even though he doesn't want or need to Dominate you, he's willing to let you get that elsewhere. Or you may find that he's NOT the person you _need_ to be with. And better you find that out NOW than with 10 more years invested in the relationship.

Best of luck.
 
Everyone here has already given great advice. It seems most people I have spoken to or read posts from have gone through something similar in their own way. Maybe it is a rite of passage that there is a period of repression. I think those that instinctively know and embrace it from the very beginning are the rarity.

My personal opinion you are going to have the discussion at some point. If after eight years you are still having these desires, they are not going away. Denying that part of you is not being true to yourself.

I was in a 10 year relationship where I did have the conversation with him. He tried. It wasn't for him, but out of love I pushed my own desires back. We split. The yearning resurfaced. I researched and learned as much as I could on my own. I sought out a Dom and did not have much luck. I got back with my ex but from a distance. Two years later and having finally had real life experience as a sub, I find myself having to have the conversation all over again. The difference this time is I will not repress what I know is right for me. Repetition and time are not going to make it any easier, but it is the right thing to do both for him and for myself. As you have seen in Geoff's case, he might surprise you. Men, even dominant men can repress as well. You just have to give him that opportunity.
 
I think my biggest phobia if if I mentioned to my partner of my submission, is that he would just "play" along. I'm not sure I could handle that very well.

Thats what I was afraid of when I first told my vanilla boyfriend about my submissive desires. At first, I think he was just playing along, but as he learned more about it, and we tried more things, he became genuinely interested. Now we are both learning together, and while I doubt he's a Dom for life at heart, its nice that he's trying and its really helped our relationship last.

I ended up telling him because I too had met a Dom online, and after a few months of chatting, things began to get a little out of hand. So I quit it with the Dom and just came clean to my BF.

I'm not very experienced with D/s at all, or even with relationships on the whole for that matter, but I think you should talk to him and then decide from there. But don't repress what you feel for the sake of "normalcy" or ease.

I've got my fingers crossed for you! Hugs.
 
Tell your future Husband.

If you keep quiet, it could cost your happiness and his.

It really need not get any more complicated than this. If you value your future and the future of your intended husband, have the mercy and kindness and strength to engage him in this discussion very soon.
 
I think my biggest phobia if if I mentioned to my partner of my submission, is that he would just "play" along. I'm not sure I could handle that very well.

I can understand how that would be almost worse than not telling him at all. I do agree with 00Syd though, that although people can feel or seem 'false' when they are trying on something for size, if you get this far with your fiancé and he starts to enjoy being dominant for its own sake, believe me you will know.

If he doesn't, at least you can say that you tried everything before you canned him. It may even be that he enjoys being dominated and controlled himself, you might have to consider switching roles from time to time.

The thing that worries me, aside from the kink issue, is that you refer to your fiancé as 'the stable option' and you don't say that you love him or that you feel bad about deceiving him, only that you don't know which choice to make or whether you should try to get what you want.

I may be being harsh and I apologise if I have mis-read you, it's easy to do on these forums. But it doesn't read to me as though you are in love with your partner. This is a very important factor in my opinion. If you are truly in love with your partner, I would advise coming clean about your fantasies and seeing if he will explore them with you. If you look into your heart and you know that you do not really love this man, I would end the relationship, take some time for myself and then start worrying about finding a dominant partner or progressing with the one you are in contact with.
 
Why don't we make a sticky out of I'm kinky and my partner isn't.
 
Alright...real life story...

Back in October a good friend of mine was about to marry her long-time boyfriend.

They had serious history. They had been friends since they were 13, dated since 16, she had been close to death due to a sickness (which he stayed by her through) as well as his mother dying of cancer (which she helped him through). They moved in together, the familieas were practically joined and intermeshed. It was something that was just expected to happen.

Then she began to explore her submissive side. Having been a psychologist as a profession, she was used to directing others in group, etc. and it would seem she wished to enjoy the responsability-free possition of submissive.
Obviously, she enjoys head games and mind f**ks and needed this attention from her fiance. Unfortunately, he didn't come equipped with the kind of mind she needed. He tried but it just wasn't doing anything for her.
*imagine a monotone vebal abuse scene and you'll get an immage of Napoleon Dynamite trying to be sexy*

Long story short...she knew she needed that element. Knew it to her core. And he had been all she knew and loved. But she had to make a choice.
He couldn't be taught to have the quick mind, imagination and intuitive nature to give her what she craved.
As much as it scared her to do so, she cancelled the wedding 2 weeks before it was to happen.
He is now moving out, she is searching for a roomate to split the cost of the appartment and she is verymuch still learning her way to a better mind game.

As generalizing as it may sound, there are two types of people in this regard. Those who can try to live without the kink once they've discovered it, and then there's the type who accept reality and make room in their lives for it.

Either way, your desire will win.
 
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