Loss of interest in sex?

[clishmaclaver]

I've lost my sex drive, and I need help getting it back.

I'm in my mid-twenties, as is my partner. We've been together for six years, and we've always had a great sex life- sex most nights, lots of physical affection, etc. We have showers and baths together regularly, we try new things, we still make an effort to shave legs and wear nice underwear for one another. Lesbian bed death is a very real thing, and we're very determined to avoid it.

In the last few months, I just don't want to be touched. We still have sex (because, frankly, it's my issue and she shouldn't miss out), but it seems to stress her out that I'm okay with going down on her or fucking her, and not having it reciprocated. She seems to think I'm not attracted to her anymore- it's just not true.

I'm just weeks away from getting my MD, my grandmothers health is rapidly declining, and I'm in need of a fairly major operation that needs to be delayed until after my exams. I'm stressed and exhausted and feel like shit most of the time. It's no wonder I don't want to be touched, really.

She claims to get it, but she doesn't, not really. She likes a physical outlet for stress; the last few months of her PhD involved so much sex I walked funny for months. She never loses her sex drive. It's hurting her, and I hate it.

She's amazing and kind and loving. I want to want her. How do I get my sex drive back?!

 

[1Browneyedguy]

Perhaps

it's just stress....

You've tried to talk about it?

 

[fire_breeze]

I've lost my sex drive, and I need help getting it back.

I'm in my mid-twenties, as is my partner. We've been together for six years, and we've always had a great sex life- sex most nights, lots of physical affection, etc. We have showers and baths together regularly, we try new things, we still make an effort to shave legs and wear nice underwear for one another. Lesbian bed death is a very real thing, and we're very determined to avoid it.

In the last few months, I just don't want to be touched. We still have sex (because, frankly, it's my issue and she shouldn't miss out), but it seems to stress her out that I'm okay with going down on her or fucking her, and not having it reciprocated. She seems to think I'm not attracted to her anymore- it's just not true.

I'm just weeks away from getting my MD, my grandmothers health is rapidly declining, and I'm in need of a fairly major operation that needs to be delayed until after my exams. I'm stressed and exhausted and feel like shit most of the time. It's no wonder I don't want to be touched, really.

She claims to get it, but she doesn't, not really. She likes a physical outlet for stress; the last few months of her PhD involved so much sex I walked funny for months. She never loses her sex drive. It's hurting her, and I hate it.

She's amazing and kind and loving. I want to want her. How do I get my sex drive back?!

People cope with stress differently. Some people are raging sex maniacs, because that's the way they blow off steam whereas some people withdraw because that's the way they cope. And some people need sex some of the time and don't want to be touched other times.

Honestly, I think once you've received your MD and you're through your operation (best of luck!), your drive will pick up. Yes, your grandmother's health is declining, but you can also make sure to spend time with her so it won't be a shock if she passes.

Sit down and have a talk with your partner. Talk with her frequently; I think it's admirable that you are trying to accommodate her needs. Try to relax together, (take a bath or shower, cuddle, take a long walk, hold hands, give each other non-sexual massages, whatever). Tell her you don't want the lesbian bed death, but you need a bit of patience. There are other ways of showing intimacy than just having sex.

 

[amofiga]

Stress can be a killer for sex drive whether your gay or straight. Some people handle stress differently. Just as some people eat their way through stress, some people starve themselves when they are stressed or depressed. You've had a lot of issues lately and your way of coping may be to let your body shut down sexually. Your partner is the opposite. The solutions are pretty much the same whether it's a straight couple or a gay couple.

Explain as sincerely as possible that the situation has nothing to do with not finding your partner attractive. It's about all kinds of other stuff robbing your energy and occupying your brain. If they love you and respect you, they'll cut you some slack.

Consider a "get away" when you feel comfortable with it. If you can afford it, take a cruise, fly to an island, go skiing, whatever you guys like and just let things happen naturally.

When my wife's dad had cancer and was dying and for at least a month after he passed, there was no sense in approaching her for sexual reasons. She was just sort of out of body. When my mom died suddenly, it was a while before I thought of any sort of physical contact and my dick just sort of went into suspended animation.

If you start to get some time to relax, what sorts of things just rock your boat erotically? Reading erotic stories, watching erotic movies, more traditional quiet dinners, shopping for sex toys? Whatever it is, go for it if it makes both of you feel comfortable.

The most important thing is falling back on the non sexual things that brought you together and keep you together. Thinking about sexual tensions only make more tension. Straignt couples that have been together for years go through the same peaks and valleys. Hell, you're only in your 20's and have been togher for six years. Talk to me when you're in your 60's and have been together for 40 years. I'll show you some serious peaks and valleys.

Good luck

 

[yourlovedoctor1]

It's ok take a deep breath.

It's most likely a combination of stressing people have said already and exhaustion. If you are not sleeping well at night you will not want to have sex. Because your body is begging you to sleep. The stress part is your mind is thinking lets have sex it's thinking about your problems. ( which I hope work out by the way). You need sleep first I suggest if you do not sleep well maybe over the counter sleep medicine low dosage. Just the rest will help your stress go down a little bit.

Your partner has a legitimate concern that you don't find her attractive because as humans when something is good for so long then suddenly bad we automatically assume its us not them. Make sure you do keep explaining its not her but also try little things to make her feel wanted not just sex. Tell her how attractive she is things like that.

To get your sex drive back you need to relax and rest as I have said. But also do not think about not having it. It will make it worse. I am positive when you get rest and talk about your stress it will come back if it doesn't pm me there may be other ways if I know more about our and your partners situation.

 

[clishmaclaver]

Thanks for the replies.

You're all right that it is stress and exhaustion- I'm falling asleep at my desk onto textbooks most nights, and the energy that finishing this degree is taking means that there's very little left over for anything else. She's been fantastic about it, as we went through this last year when she finished her PhD, and is a fantastic sport about it all. I don't know how many women have partners that will allow them to talk about sepsis over the dinner table. I'm a lucky, lucky lady.

We've done lots of talking about it; we're both big talkers, and established a really good channel of communication right from the start of the relationship. I just hate that she's feeling unattractive and unwanted, even with me reassuring her that it isn't true, and doing my best to make sure her sexual needs are met. I'm making a point of being extra affectionate, both physically and verbally.

I'm beginning to think I need to just suck up my lack of desire and force myself to let her reciprocate. We compromise a lot: I agreed to the giant ridiculous wedding she wants, she agreed to get a kitten even though she's a dog person. I'm starting to get into wedding planning, she's so in love with the cat it's unreal. Maybe it's just one of those things you need to do because it makes your partner happy.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Thanks for the replies.

You're all right that it is stress and exhaustion- I'm falling asleep at my desk onto textbooks most nights, and the energy that finishing this degree is taking means that there's very little left over for anything else. She's been fantastic about it, as we went through this last year when she finished her PhD, and is a fantastic sport about it all. I don't know how many women have partners that will allow them to talk about sepsis over the dinner table. I'm a lucky, lucky lady.

We've done lots of talking about it; we're both big talkers, and established a really good channel of communication right from the start of the relationship. I just hate that she's feeling unattractive and unwanted, even with me reassuring her that it isn't true, and doing my best to make sure her sexual needs are met. I'm making a point of being extra affectionate, both physically and verbally.

I'm beginning to think I need to just suck up my lack of desire and force myself to let her reciprocate. We compromise a lot: I agreed to the giant ridiculous wedding she wants, she agreed to get a kitten even though she's a dog person. I'm starting to get into wedding planning, she's so in love with the cat it's unreal. Maybe it's just one of those things you need to do because it makes your partner happy.

A few harsh truths...

You both seems like intelligent, reasonable people. I get it, she's lonely and missing her partner, but please see her reaction to your stress, exhaustion and fatigue for what it is: a self-centered, unhealthy manipulation.

Yeah, it sucks that you have so many stress factors in your life. It's a burden that's not going to last. It's everything you can do to take care of you and she's begging for attention?

Fuck the self-centered, insecure bitch. Where's the support for you and YOUR needs?! I don't see you're "problem" as a lack of libido. I see you're problem as a partner who refuses to support you. Once you get through this bump in your life, your libido will come back full strength. My concern is whether or not it will be for her.

A few years back, I went through a similar situation. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and given 6-24 months to live (she made it 18 months). I had incredible stress in my work life and was undergoing major oral reconstructive surgery over a period of several months. I did not feel sexy. I wasn't interested in sex. It was all I could do to offer a smile or kind word. Making matters worse, the dynamic in our relationship had always found me as the alpha, the initiator of sex and the entertainment coordinator. As a couple, we were ill equipped to deal with me being uninterested. My wife's reaction? To bitch, whine and moan about how we "never have sex anymore" and for her to try personalizing it with "You don't find me attractive anymore, do you?" Add a healthy, "You don't want me anymore, do you?"

Geez... NONE of that was true! I was struggling to stay afloat and I sure as shit didn't need the added pressure of her whining about our lack of sex life. Even when we did do it, it was followed by her "That was so nice, I want to do it again. I've missed this. I've missed us...." blah, blah, blah.

Clearly, I'm still pissed and resentful about it. You say you talk about it, but she doesn't seem to be doing a very good job listening, does she?

So what is SHE supposed to do while you're battling life's current woes? Chill the fuck out, bitch! Believe in you, in your relationship and give you the support you need without the guilt trip. That's how you get through this together!

Good luck!

 

[amofiga]

<<< Fuck the self-centered, insecure bitch. Where's the support for you and YOUR needs?! I don't see you're "problem" as a lack of libido. I see you're problem as a partner who refuses to support you. Once you get through this bump in your life, your libido will come back full strength. My concern is whether or not it will be for her. >>

Certainly seems a bit harsh for somebody you don't really know in a relationship you don't really know. Tough times sometimes require extra effort on both sides of the fence. It would probably be best to allow things to resolve more naturally over time as issues with the stresses involved sort themselves out. Life and relationships are never without some sort of stress for any long period of time. There are job stresses that come home, financial stresses, family stresses, sometime children stresses and it takes both to work through them. If that effort falls flat and then both realize it, then sometimes the relationship doesn't survive. However, the OP is really in a pretty new relationship given her age and the fact that it's ONLY been six years. I suppose maybe by today's standards that's long. However, for my generation, that's nothing for those looking toward an initial plan of a lifetime.

Everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinion which is usually colored by their own experiences. The fact of life is that few relationships hit the ideal of 50/50. One partner is usually a bit more of a giver than the other. However, it's up to the principles to decide what really works best for them. I think cutting some slack may be in order before poisoning the well of the OP's partner. Frankly, I think the OP needs to look into her own heart and mind and perhaps take any and all advice offered up by strangers with a large grain of salt.

 

[bailadora]

<<< Fuck the self-centered, insecure bitch. Where's the support for you and YOUR needs?! I don't see you're "problem" as a lack of libido. I see you're problem as a partner who refuses to support you. Once you get through this bump in your life, your libido will come back full strength. My concern is whether or not it will be for her. >>

Certainly seems a bit harsh for somebody you don't really know in a relationship you don't really know. Tough times sometimes require extra effort on both sides of the fence. It would probably be best to allow things to resolve more naturally over time as issues with the stresses involved sort themselves out. Life and relationships are never without some sort of stress for any long period of time. There are job stresses that come home, financial stresses, family stresses, sometime children stresses and it takes both to work through them. If that effort falls flat and then both realize it, then sometimes the relationship doesn't survive. However, the OP is really in a pretty new relationship given her age and the fact that it's ONLY been six years. I suppose maybe by today's standards that's long. However, for my generation, that's nothing for those looking toward an initial plan of a lifetime.

Everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinion which is usually colored by their own experiences. The fact of life is that few relationships hit the ideal of 50/50. One partner is usually a bit more of a giver than the other. However, it's up to the principles to decide what really works best for them. I think cutting some slack may be in order before poisoning the well of the OP's partner. Frankly, I think the OP needs to look into her own heart and mind and perhaps take any and all advice offered up by strangers with a large grain of salt.

^^ Where's the "like" button?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinion which is usually colored by their own experiences. The fact of life is that few relationships hit the ideal of 50/50. One partner is usually a bit more of a giver than the other. However, it's up to the principles to decide what really works best for them. I think cutting some slack may be in order before poisoning the well of the OP's partner. Frankly, I think the OP needs to look into her own heart and mind and perhaps take any and all advice offered up by strangers with a large grain of salt.

It's easy to agree with your comments. Mine were admittedly harsh, but I hate seeing this very caring, over-worked, over-stressed person taking on even MORE stress when there's blame to be passed around as I see it.

 

[clishmaclaver]

I feel like poor Dee is getting a bad rap here. She's amazing. She's sweet and gentle and kind, and makes me laugh so hard I feel sick on a regular basis. She gives the best hugs in the world.

We've gone through (almost) two stressful degrees, diagnosis of a chronic illness, the loss of a parent, moving in together, a suicide attempt and a long road of recovery from it together. Most of the trials there are mine. She's stood by me, and she's never once made me feel like a burden. She's my rock.

She has been an absolute trooper about my sex drive, but I know it's hurting her. She's saying all the right things, but I know her well enough to see that she's upset. And I want to make her happy, so I asked for advice on how to get over my lack of sex drive.

Will it get better with time? Almost certainly. Would I consider, for one second, leaving her? God, no.

 

[Euphonic]

I've lost my sex drive, and I need help getting it back.

I'm in my mid-twenties, as is my partner. We've been together for six years, and we've always had a great sex life- sex most nights, lots of physical affection, etc. We have showers and baths together regularly, we try new things, we still make an effort to shave legs and wear nice underwear for one another. Lesbian bed death is a very real thing, and we're very determined to avoid it.

In the last few months, I just don't want to be touched. We still have sex (because, frankly, it's my issue and she shouldn't miss out), but it seems to stress her out that I'm okay with going down on her or fucking her, and not having it reciprocated. She seems to think I'm not attracted to her anymore- it's just not true.

I'm just weeks away from getting my MD, my grandmothers health is rapidly declining, and I'm in need of a fairly major operation that needs to be delayed until after my exams. I'm stressed and exhausted and feel like shit most of the time. It's no wonder I don't want to be touched, really.



She claims to get it, but she doesn't, not really. She likes a physical outlet for stress; the last few months of her PhD involved so much sex I walked funny for months. She never loses her sex drive. It's hurting her, and I hate it.

She's amazing and kind and loving. I want to want her. How do I get my sex drive back?!

I can only tell you what I would do. That is free speech. So here it is.
You are probably going for an MD.
I wouldn't go to an MD for this problem, personally I would go to an ND for this problem.
I would ask for two products made by Standard Process Labs, Fortil B12 and Dessicated Adrenal. Then I would go on the internet and order an essential oil called Fleabane. I would put one drop on my thumb and suck on it so it coated my mouth. I would do this once a week until my sex drive was back to normal.
My diet would be low glycemic, and I would go to the health food store and buy a large bottle of Floradix non-yeast variety. I would also find a hypoallergenic multivitamin whether in a store or online. I would stop eating dairy and take a product called Bone Basics by AOR.
I would do yoga exercises to enhance women's sexual health everyday.
Oh wait, I did all that. Now I have a body wide orgasm most every day (6 day a week minimum). I also walk on a treadmill on an incline for 15 minutes a day for cardio health. I can get my heart rate up to 130 pm and keep it there. No running involved.
But that's just me, no-one has to agree with what I do nor do they have to copy what I do. I am just sharing what I did myself. Free speech, ain't it great?

 

[Euphonic]

Oh, about the grief from a relative's passing..

My heartfelt condolences for your loss. You must miss her very much.
My younger brother died and we were extremely close, so yes, I do know how you feel.
After a week of sorrow, I went to an acupuncturist. We have a big China Town here, so no problem finding one. I told him about the loss of my brother, and he did some acupunture on my ankle and feet. Went three times. Horrible grief over. Functioning life again. This is what I did.
What you do is up to you. Some people like to hang on to the grief even though it interfers with their lives.
I personally decided my brother's spirit would be with me always, and not ripping my hair out and keening for a couple of years was a better way to go.
Everybody has to make their own decisions about these situations.

Bonne Chance, E

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I got my grad degree with wife 4 kids, 2 jobs, bills, and all the usual stuff. Went to school full time, besides. Sex was the least of my problems. Sometimes we made appointments for the sex. You need to see a competent MD or a shrink.