loosing desire

[smallgirl]

once you loose your desire for your s/o, how do you get it back. or can you? if they've changed(physically) into someone you dont like, what do you do?

 

[jtf71961]

Are you married and how old may I ask you are?

 

[MisterSir]

once you loose your desire for your s/o, how do you get it back. or can you? if they've changed(physically) into someone you dont like, what do you do?

You can't - you can overlook flaws, but if you find yourself genuinely disliking them, you've got problems. However, you may want to elaborate on the physical changes a little more.

 

[subwannabe]

If they have physically changed then there are only a few answers to your question:

1. Figure a way to help them change back

2. stay with them and deal with it because you love them and that is more important than anything

3. move on with someone that attracts you again

 

[rainbowgirl1028]

I think the best thing to do is to remember why you became attracted to him or her. if you can't work through whatever it is, talk to your significant other about your concerns and go from there. best of luck!

 

[doppelbock22000]

once you loose your desire for your s/o, how do you get it back. or can you? if they've changed(physically) into someone you dont like, what do you do?

My lady if you can solve that dilema you will be famous. I have been wondering for longer than I care to think. As I see it if you lost the desire over a sinlge major incident, as in getting very angry, time and the way they treat you could help rekindle the feelings. As in they try to win you back.
On the other hand if the loss of desire is the result of continuing pattern of behavior on their part that just grates on you, well don't know if that can change. That's what i'm dealing with.

Darn, hate to be depressing on such a lovely day, and I do hope that things work out for you.

take care,

 

[NightL]

once you loose your desire for your s/o, how do you get it back. or can you? if they've changed(physically) into someone you don't like, what do you do?

...first attempt... "I'm going to get fit... do want to join me?"

...second attempt... "I'm going to get fit... I would like you to join me"

...third attempt... "I do love you, but I'm feeling less physically attracted to you due to the changes... can we work on this together please?".

then finally... "I'm out of here..."

If their physical change has been that they got fit and toned while you are not, then maybe if you actually love your partner you might give it a go yourself.

Love, in a long term relationship will naturally fluctuate in intensity. Providing you don't hate each other, then there is a good chance the spark will come back. Communication...

Lust is a little more difficult if your partner has indeed changed their body shape into something you just don't desire. Communicate and be honest...

 

[heartforhire]

Deleted

 

[VelvetDarkness]

People change. You can't expect someone to stay exactly as you met them forever. What happens when this person gets old, saggy unfashionable or whatever? Either you want to be with them or you don't.

If you were in love, you would find your lover attractive. If you were in love, you'd do something to help and encourage them with a weight issue rather than whine and get resentful.

My guess is that you simply don't. In which case, move on because s/he deserves better than you.

 

[Eilan]

People change. You can't expect someone to stay exactly as you met them forever. What happens when this person gets old, saggy unfashionable or whatever? Either you want to be with them or you don't.

If you were in love, you would find your lover attractive. If you were in love, you'd do something to help and encourage them with a weight issue rather than whine and get resentful.

My guess is that you simply don't. In which case, move on because s/he deserves better than you.

If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd feel guilty enough about my feelings toward my SO without having to read posts from perfect strangers telling me that I was whiny and resentful.

We don't even know if weight is actually the issue, though I think we're all kind of assuming it is. We don't have enough information in the first post to know whether or not the OP has encouraged her SO to do anything. Even if she has encouraged him, however, if he doesn't want to change, there's not a whole lot she can do.

My husband has gained some weight since we married, particularly since his retirement, when he no longer had to weigh in every month and adhere to his employer's weight/fitness standards. I'm still wildly attracted to him, and I'm still gonna fuck his brains out in a heartbeat, but from a health standpoint, I do wish he'd go to the gym more regularly. I also know that nagging him about it isn't the way to go.

I know from past relationship experience that when I'm feeling resentful toward a partner for any reason, I also feel less physically attracted to him, and it's never had anything to do with how he actually looks.

However, I could see where I might start to resent my husband if he had some sort of serious health issue that he refused to keep in check (like diabetes, for example), mostly because I don't think it's in the best interests of our four young children for either of us to neglect ourselves physically to the point where any health issues we might have become life-threatening.

BTW--It may not be 100% relevant to this thread, but here's a very, very old Cafe thread that makes for interesting reading.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd feel guilty enough about my feelings toward my SO without having to read posts from perfect strangers telling me that I was whiny and resentful.

We don't even know if weight is actually the issue, though I think we're all kind of assuming it is. We don't have enough information in the first post to know whether or not the OP has encouraged her SO to do anything. Even if she has encouraged him, however, if he doesn't want to change, there's not a whole lot she can do.

My husband has gained some weight since we married, particularly since his retirement, when he no longer had to weigh in every month and adhere to his employer's weight/fitness standards. I'm still wildly attracted to him, and I'm still gonna fuck his brains out in a heartbeat, but from a health standpoint, I do wish he'd go to the gym more regularly. I also know that nagging him about it isn't the way to go.

I know from past relationship experience that when I'm feeling resentful toward a partner for any reason, I also feel less physically attracted to him, and it's never had anything to do with how he actually looks.

However, I could see where I might start to resent my husband if he had some sort of serious health issue that he refused to keep in check (like diabetes, for example), mostly because I don't think it's in the best interests of our four young children for either of us to neglect ourselves physically to the point where any health issues we might have become life-threatening.

BTW--It may not be 100% relevant to this thread, but here's a very, very old Cafe thread that makes for interesting reading.

I guess you're right but we can only ever go on what people bother to tell us. She could have said she was concerned about his health or trying to be supportive about whatever this is but she didn't. That leads me to assume that she's being self-centred to some degree.

 

[literal]

Everybody..here is the update.."smallgirl" mentioned that everything is cool now and she has resolved it with him. It would have been better if she posted an update especially when the thread is coming back to life.

 

[fenghuang]

There seems to be a (not unreasonable) assumption that "changed(physically)" means a weight issue. It could be tattoos, it could be limb amputation, cosmetic surgery, burns victim, it could be any number of things. Clarifcation from the OP might help here.

Losing "desire" is something I've struggled with for quite a while, (though due to a combination of reasons,) and I do find it hard to motivate myself to do something about it. I think it's fair to say this is more about me than my SO. Do I want them to change? Is it fair to want them to change? Do they actually need to change or do I need to change my approach to them?

Do I think it can be resolved? Yes I think so? The best I can suggest is not to look at what you used to find attractive about them but try to find something you still find atractive about them and try to focus on that.

 

[jtf71961]

There seems to be a (not unreasonable) assumption that "changed(physically)" means a weight issue. It could be tattoos, it could be limb amputation, cosmetic surgery, burns victim, it could be any number of things. Clarifcation from the OP might help here.

Losing "desire" is something I've struggled with for quite a while, (though due to a combination of reasons,) and I do find it hard to motivate myself to do something about it. I think it's fair to say this is more about me than my SO. Do I want them to change? Is it fair to want them to change? Do they actually need to change or do I need to change my approach to them?

Do I think it can be resolved? Yes I think so? The best I can suggest is not to look at what you used to find attractive about them but try to find something you still find atractive about them and try to focus on that.

It was weight issue with her. He gain a significant amount of weight.

 

[clutch1]

It was weight issue with her. He gain a significant amount of weight.

If she doesn't already, she can do all the shopping for the household and buy only healthy foods.

And by starting this thread proves she wants to get over this hurdle.

Also, sex is great exercise.

 

[Massiccio]

People change. You can't expect someone to stay exactly as you met them forever. What happens when this person gets old, saggy unfashionable or whatever? Either you want to be with them or you don't.

If you were in love, you would find your lover attractive. If you were in love, you'd do something to help and encourage them with a weight issue rather than whine and get resentful.

My guess is that you simply don't. In which case, move on because s/he deserves better than you.

I agree with this entirely.

 

[sexysharonmilf]

once you loose your desire for your s/o, how do you get it back. or can you? if they've changed(physically) into someone you dont like, what do you do?

Well, if they've physically changed into someone you don't like such as body image, you're the problem. Yes, you are shallow if that is it. Shallow people don't get it back. I kinda get the vibe that's the deal.

Also, relationships have their dry spells too. Communication is the best thing. You may want to see a counselor. Changes in hormonal levels can change things a lot. Women more than men.

 

[sexysharonmilf]

If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd feel guilty enough about my feelings toward my SO without having to read posts from perfect strangers telling me that I was whiny and resentful.

We don't even know if weight is actually the issue, though I think we're all kind of assuming it is. We don't have enough information in the first post to know whether or not the OP has encouraged her SO to do anything. Even if she has encouraged him, however, if he doesn't want to change, there's not a whole lot she can do.

My husband has gained some weight since we married, particularly since his retirement, when he no longer had to weigh in every month and adhere to his employer's weight/fitness standards. I'm still wildly attracted to him, and I'm still gonna fuck his brains out in a heartbeat, but from a health standpoint, I do wish he'd go to the gym more regularly. I also know that nagging him about it isn't the way to go.

I know from past relationship experience that when I'm feeling resentful toward a partner for any reason, I also feel less physically attracted to him, and it's never had anything to do with how he actually looks.

However, I could see where I might start to resent my husband if he had some sort of serious health issue that he refused to keep in check (like diabetes, for example), mostly because I don't think it's in the best interests of our four young children for either of us to neglect ourselves physically to the point where any health issues we might have become life-threatening.

BTW--It may not be 100% relevant to this thread, but here's a very, very old Cafe thread that makes for interesting reading.

Well, what she said in the OP was pretty shallow on the surface.

 

[fenghuang]

Paradoxically, I've ended up having a similar conversation with a friend recently.
Although I think he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, his reason for looking at the worth of the relationship seems to be that he used to lust after his partner, and possibly would again "if she lost 2 stone". (aka 28lbs - not sure if stone means anything to people in America.)
I, and many other people think he's got a great partner who makes a whole lot of effort in the relationship, and that he's really lucky. And there may well be underlying issues as well in the relationship, but I have no idea how to suggest to him that he could address the situation with her without being as brutal as "your fat - loose weight". (He's not renound for subtlty!)
Any suggestions?

 

[vrosej10]

I'e been married for 19 years. In that time we've both gained and lost weight and gotten considerably older. That being said, we are both still VERY sexually attracted to each other. Why? Because we were primarily attracted to each other's minds. Bodies change, souls don't. If you are expecting people to remain physically the same, you are going to be dissapointed. Is it possible you were only physically attracted to this person and now the intial thrill has worn off and you've found there's nothing else? If so, leave now because what you had isn't coming back. But if there was more, try and reconnect with this person. What did you like doing when you first got together? Revisit something that you both enjoy and maybe you'll find the reason you were so attracted to each other.

 

[jimburr35]

Man, I've got the opposite problem. I've got the desire and the loving s/o - now the "equipment" is failing. Meds help but they sure wreck the spontenaity that I loved. There's no such thing as lovemaking on short notice.

 

[vrosej10]

Man, I've got the opposite problem. I've got the desire and the loving s/o - now the "equipment" is failing. Meds help but they sure wreck the spontenaity that I loved. There's no such thing as lovemaking on short notice.

Thats gotta suck. *hug*.

 

[DrRamulak]

I guess you're right but we can only ever go on what people bother to tell us. She could have said she was concerned about his health or trying to be supportive about whatever this is but she didn't. That leads me to assume that she's being self-centred to some degree.

So classy.

Someone asks a sincere question and you're answer is "you fucking slut".

If I could place a bet on which one of you would die alone, I'd would.

 

[smallgirl]

People change. You can't expect someone to stay exactly as you met them forever. What happens when this person gets old, saggy unfashionable or whatever? Either you want to be with them or you don't.

If you were in love, you would find your lover attractive. If you were in love, you'd do something to help and encourage them with a weight issue rather than whine and get resentful.

My guess is that you simply don't. In which case, move on because s/he deserves better than you.

i know people change....but i think we have an obligation when we marry to not let ourselves go.

if he weighed 16 yrs ago what he does now? i wouldnt even have went out with him. period.

i keep myself in shape and i want to my partner to do the same. if that makes me frivolous...then im not alone.

 

[tustin92614]

Attraction is still important - - even in marrige

We all understand that people and bodies change over time, but we owe it to each other to do what we can to stay attractive to our partner. I can't count the number of times I've heard men complain that their women have let themselves go after marrige, gaining weight and not taking care of themselves. Well, why shouldn't a woman expect the same from her husband. Especially if she works hard to stay hot.

Me, I let myself get WAY overweight. At one Thanksgiving, my wife took tons of pictures of me, and hung a 11x17 of us in the hallway, and posted a bunch online for our friends and family. I looked so horrible next to her. That day I became a vegitarian for 9 months, and lost 80 pounds. I've gained 20 back, but I will never look like that again.

Also, at that weight, not only was I unattractive to her, but I also felt so fat that the last thing I wanted to think about was sex.

I suggest taking some pictures. I was shocked at what I looked like.

Good luck.

i know people change....but i think we have an obligation when we marry to not let ourselves go.

if he weighed 16 yrs ago what he does now? i wouldnt even have went out with him. period.

i keep myself in shape and i want to my partner to do the same. if that makes me frivolous...then im not alone.