Looking for some more feedback

[hylas_]

So, I though I'd give my first two stories one more "push".
It would be nice to get some more feedback on either story.

Both stories are about male submission. It's kind of my thing.
Both stories are relatively short, fitting on a single page.

"The Dive" takes place in the present and is about an encounter between a white man and a black woman. The main themes are interracial sex, female domination, cunnilingus, and analingus (him on her). I imagine people into cuckolding and chastity play may enjoy it as well, although it doesn't technically feature those elements.
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-dive

"Today I Bought A Barbarian" takes place in "the distant past" (medieval or classical era; one could call it "sword and sorcery", except there are no supernatural elements). It's a light-hearted, almost humorous story about an enslaved barbarian and his somewhat pompous owner. Said owner can be read as either female or male, making the story either femdom or gay. The main themes are slavery, facesitting, BDSM, spanking, watersports, milking, chastity, and "dubious consent".
http://www.literotica.com/s/today-i-bought-a-barbarian

Some feedback on either of those stories would be appreciated!

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[sr71plt]

I read the second one and found it inventive and well-written. I think it could have gone farther with ass play, though, and still have maintained the question of the gender of the narrator. (And watersports turn me off.) Think you managed well what you set out to do, though. It might have been best not to lead with the chin in the intro by declaring yourself that you had succeeded, though. Invites trolls, although I didn't see that any have shown up yet.

 

[hylas_]

Thanks for the comments so far!

It might have been best not to lead with the chin in the intro by declaring yourself that you had succeeded, though.

I'm not sure what exactly you're referring to here. You mean the note at the start of "Barbarian"? I just wanted to make sure that the reader knows, the vagueness regarding that one character is intentional.

 

[hylas_]

I still didn't enjoy that one as much. Not sure why. It just wasn't as hot.
.

I think "Barbarian" is a bit more abstract, half a formal experiment and half me just goofing off. "The Dive" is meant to be more purely erotic and visceral.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I don't know what you want in terms of feedback but I closed both stories after the first paragraphs. For me its the same as looking at spilled garbage, uninteresting garbage.

Is it you, or is it me? I don't know. I don't care what happens beyond the first paragraphs.

 

[sr71plt]

I'm not sure what exactly you're referring to here. You mean the note at the start of "Barbarian"? I just wanted to make sure that the reader knows, the vagueness regarding that one character is intentional.

Yes, the "it works either way" comment in your intro slug. That's not for you, the author, to determine, and it invites an "oh, yeah?" response right off the bat. It's never a great idea to assert your greatness on front of one of your stories. It invites combativeness.

 

[hylas_]

Ok I see. That's really not how I meant it. Good to know it can come across that way.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I read "The Dive." I liked the concept, but to me the execution was a little off. You have some punctuation problems, the most prominent of which was confusion between plural and possessive tenses. I would attribute this to the fact that English is not your first language, and expect that this is something that could be cleared up with the assistance of an editor. I also found some of your descriptions over done and confusing; e.g., "her nose flat and broad yet delicate." I'm having a tough time picturing that.

What I particularly liked about this story was how the narrator's expectations were confounded--how the hunter became the prey. I guess I knew that twist was coming since I read this story after reading the post that directed me there. I would have enjoyed it more if I had not known it was coming. In any event, I always enjoy a story where a woman knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it.

On the other hand, that twist I previously referenced is probably turning off some of the readers who come across this story looking for interracial action. I think this story would score higher if it were in Fetish. Femdom is more acceptable there than anywhere else on Lit. Also, the audience in the Interracial section is looking primarily for BM/WF stories. I'm not knocking you for writing your story this way; I'm just suggesting that the readers of that category aren't necessarily looking for what you have to offer. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not.

 

[hylas_]

Thanks for the feedback! Yes, punctuation is a major problem for me, because the rules are really different in German than they are in English. I'm currently working on some longer stories, and for those I'm taking advantage of the fantastic volunteer editors system you guys have here. Perhaps I'll get around sending in proof-read versions of those two early stories sometime.

I know what you mean about the twist. Different people like different things, and I don't want to "sucker-punch" anybody. But what if the twist in my story hinges on something that not everybody will like? Give the twist away in advance, or risk putting people off?

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Thanks for the feedback! Yes, punctuation is a major problem for me, because the rules are really different in German than they are in English. I'm currently working on some longer stories, and for those I'm taking advantage of the fantastic volunteer editors system you guys have here. Perhaps I'll get around sending in proof-read versions of those two early stories sometime.

I know what you mean about the twist. Different people like different things, and I don't want to "sucker-punch" anybody. But what if the twist in my story hinges on something that not everybody will like? Give the twist away in advance, or risk putting people off?

You bring up a good point, and I don't have a concise answer for you. I've struggled with that point as well. To me, the answer depends to a great extent on how crucial the twist is to telling your story. In some cases, the twist is the entire story and giving it away defeats the purpose of writing it. In other cases, it's a minor thing that changes the story but doesn't impact heavily on what happened previously.

In this case, the twist is crucial and should be protected. I think what I would have done in your place would be to post the story in Fetish, but leave the descriptive line vague, mentioning the WM and BF, but not describing the outcome. Fetish readers know they have to be prepared for anything and everything. Interracial readers have narrower expectations.

 

[hylas_]

I understand your thinking, but part of me enjoys "rebelling" against the "interracial expectations", which is almost in the spirit of the story, in a way. If that means my story has a lower rating, so be it.