Looking for Feedback

[Nyneve]

I just had a new story approved and while I know it's really too early to worry, it does not seem to be doing quite as well as some of my others. In fact, it has the lowest rating of them all. I worry that it's rushed and doesn't inspire the reader as much as the others. I would love it if someone could read over it and give me a clue to what the problem might be. Thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-girl-in-need

 

[annanova]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. As you say, it is early yet. In fact, it's early in the day, so some of your regular readers may not have been able to read through it.

I did read it, and enjoyed it. The only thing I can think is that if you aren't reading it on a full computer screen, those longer paragraphs of yours would make for a wall of text that is difficult to read on a phone or smaller screen.

As people are able to spend more time, I'm sure you'll start getting votes, if not a few comments.

 

[stevieraygovan]

I would agree that it does feel rushed, but I liked it anyway. Quite a bit more teasing build-up would have been welcomed, rather than simply diving straight into the fire.

Even as I say that, though, I contradict myself by wanting more between Bella and the girl. I didn't like the way they pulled up short on stage, only to have Bella later tell her that next time they'll finish the job.

Overall, I thought it was blissfully free of the usual jarring errors, and despite its wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am pace it was still an effective albeit far too brief little story.

 

[_Lynn_]

I found the first paragraph confusing. You begin talking about a coroner’s report and move to your character wanting off even though she has a cock in her mouth, all in the first few sentences. You should hook the reader with enough information they want to finish the story. As a random choice, I would stop reading before the next paragraph.

The next section spends far too much time telling us about the sex she has at work. Then I got to the dance. There are times less is better. You don’t have to tell every move they make. In doing so, you end up repeating words and motions, which can be boring. I also wondered about those directions to the secret room. Wouldn’t the crowd be screaming and yelling? Along with the music blaring, how would they even hear her?

More dialogue between the threesome would add interest. Instead of telling what happened, have them talking, describing, etc.

As mentioned above, you have some paragraphs with too many lines. The wall of black isn’t easy to read. Overall, I felt you tried putting too many things into one short story, rushing things to fit them together.

Just my opinion.

 

[Nyneve]

Thank you all for taking the time to not only read my story but offer your opinion. Up until this point, I did not think of all the people having to read my story on their phones. I will try to keep that in mind. I thought I had broken it into small enough paragraphs but I guess not. As for all the other things, at least I now know why it isn't doing as well as I had hoped. I don't know that I will edit the story, but I will be sure to avoid these things in the future. Your feedback has been very helpful and greatly appreciated.

 

[PennLady]

One thing that's hard to tell when you're writing is what it will look like on screen. A four- or five-line paragraph in Word is okay, but that will probably end up seven or eight lines on screen, and then you're pushing the visual wall, as it were. More than eight lines is just hard to focus on.

I read the story over, too, I'd have to agree on what seem to the two most common points, that it's rushed and that the paragraphs are too long. I wonder if you "told" too much, instead of "showing" the reader through dialogue, etc. Even in first person, you can have dialogue exchanges and such, describe reactions of both the narrator and other characters.

I think I had a problem, too, with the idea that the narrator was such a nymphomaniac and didn't care. I mean, I know it's fantasy and that's fine, but I've read the odd story here and there and for people who really do have this problem, it's not fun.

The sex scenes were well-written, though, so don't get me wrong there. That was just one aspect that didn't sit well with me, but other people will either like it or not care. Mostly I think you need to break your graphs down, and slow your story down. The writing was good in terms of grammar, etc., and believe me, not every story can say that.

Good luck!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think Mistress L and PL have covered most of the ground.

Don't talk to the reader. We are voyeurs, you are the author and phrases like, "I'm sure you are wondering why I don't just masturbate." breaks the storytelling to make you the character. "I don't know why. . . " works better, in my opinion.

I agree that you write good sex scenes but without dialogue and emotion you sound like a sports reporter.

The story seemed rushed to me as you whirled from scene to scene not letting us grasp the thread. I got confused with Melanie. "I had no hope she would be joining me today" But she did surely?