I 'm looking for any kind of feedback on my latest story. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Muchas Thankyudos.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=66381
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=66381
Looking for feedback
- Thread starter TheCount
- Start date
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
too good
Oh my God!!!! Lovely story. I laughed a lot while reading that and the pure enjoyment made me forget at times that I was supposed to critique it. The paragraph where you describe the TV going bust was really something.
I only caught one mistake in there.
Her and I had never been...
'Her and I' should be 'She and I'.
Great one! I'd love to see more from you.
Oh my God!!!! Lovely story. I laughed a lot while reading that and the pure enjoyment made me forget at times that I was supposed to critique it. The paragraph where you describe the TV going bust was really something.
I only caught one mistake in there.
Her and I had never been...
'Her and I' should be 'She and I'.
Great one! I'd love to see more from you.
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hello Count,
Yes, like DP I really enjoyed this quirky little story of yours.
This what I noted as I read:
I had waited and planned for this day for almost a year, and now it was here! Today was the day I got my annual bonus check,...
This is a good opener, but the tenses felt confused to me. Maybe it was just me, but I think it would have read better as: I had waited and planned for the/that day for almost a year. The day I got my annual bonus check,...
She clearly had something else on her mind, but at the moment I was more interested in checking out my latest acquisition than I was in sex.
Typical male! Only I think this was a missed opportunity for a little heat. How about: Clearly she had something else on her mind, as she began to... unbutton her blouse, slip her panties off, or drop to her knees and pull my zipper down with her teeth? Anything really to 'show' the reader exactly how she felt.
It was obvious that she wasn't much interested in the TV, but I prattled on about it anyway, showing her the three-inch thick instruction manual and telling her all the things this baby could do.
I had a big giggle when I read this line because I've been there, and done that, and I know exactly how she would have felt!
I was bent over behind the television, and had just finished getting it hooked up and plugged in. As I stood up, I bumped right into Linda's arm, and some of her wine spilled out, landing on the back of my brand-new television! In my excitement I hadn't heard her come up behind me, and she had been leaning over to watch me hook it up.
There's nothing wrong with these sentences, only I think they are possibly in the wrong sequence.
I was bent over behind the television, and had just finished getting it hooked up and plugged in. In my excitement I hadn't heard Linda coming up behind me. She had been leaning over to watch me, and as I stood up, I bumped right into her arm, spilling her wine spilt, on the back of my brand-new television!
It was just like you see it in the movies - the wine spilt out of her glass, and I helplessly watched it fall in slow motion towards the vents at the back of the set.
I noted throughout your story, 'extra' words. Really it's not a big deal at all, but it just slows down what would otherwise be a much smoother read.
It was just like in the movies - the wine spilt, and I helplessly watched it fall in slow motion towards the vents at the back of the set.
making a special effort to tell Linda what a stupid bitch she was the whole time
I felt this was a missed opportunity for some colourful dialog. Since this is a humorous story, maybe you could have had a long list of silly sounding adjectives (in alphabetical order? ) rather than just 'stupid'. It would also have lightened the mood of that paragraph for your reader.
and whispered in my ear.
What exactly did she whisper? "Oh wouldn't it be more fun fiddling with my knobs?" or "I wouldn't you rather press a few of my buttons instead." Ok, maybe not one of those, but something silly and humorous all the same.
Now I could listen to the game while fucking Linda, and she'd never be the wiser. The best of both worlds!
Now isn't this just every mans' fantasy!
Most of what I have noted here is just little things, that in my opinion, I felt would have made your story even better.
It's is a good and funny read.
I wish you well with your future writing.
Have a good day,
Alex (fem).
Yes, like DP I really enjoyed this quirky little story of yours.
This what I noted as I read:
I had waited and planned for this day for almost a year, and now it was here! Today was the day I got my annual bonus check,...
This is a good opener, but the tenses felt confused to me. Maybe it was just me, but I think it would have read better as: I had waited and planned for the/that day for almost a year. The day I got my annual bonus check,...
She clearly had something else on her mind, but at the moment I was more interested in checking out my latest acquisition than I was in sex.
Typical male!
Only I think this was a missed opportunity for a little heat. How about: Clearly she had something else on her mind, as she began to... unbutton her blouse, slip her panties off, or drop to her knees and pull my zipper down with her teeth? Anything really to 'show' the reader exactly how she felt. It was obvious that she wasn't much interested in the TV, but I prattled on about it anyway, showing her the three-inch thick instruction manual and telling her all the things this baby could do.
I had a big giggle when I read this line because I've been there, and done that, and I know exactly how she would have felt!
I was bent over behind the television, and had just finished getting it hooked up and plugged in. As I stood up, I bumped right into Linda's arm, and some of her wine spilled out, landing on the back of my brand-new television! In my excitement I hadn't heard her come up behind me, and she had been leaning over to watch me hook it up.
There's nothing wrong with these sentences, only I think they are possibly in the wrong sequence.
I was bent over behind the television, and had just finished getting it hooked up and plugged in. In my excitement I hadn't heard Linda coming up behind me. She had been leaning over to watch me, and as I stood up, I bumped right into her arm, spilling her wine spilt, on the back of my brand-new television!
It was just like you see it in the movies - the wine spilt out of her glass, and I helplessly watched it fall in slow motion towards the vents at the back of the set.
I noted throughout your story, 'extra' words. Really it's not a big deal at all, but it just slows down what would otherwise be a much smoother read.
It was just like in the movies - the wine spilt, and I helplessly watched it fall in slow motion towards the vents at the back of the set.
making a special effort to tell Linda what a stupid bitch she was the whole time
I felt this was a missed opportunity for some colourful dialog.
Since this is a humorous story, maybe you could have had a long list of silly sounding adjectives (in alphabetical order? ) rather than just 'stupid'. It would also have lightened the mood of that paragraph for your reader.and whispered in my ear.
What exactly did she whisper? "Oh wouldn't it be more fun fiddling with my knobs?" or "I wouldn't you rather press a few of my buttons instead." Ok, maybe not one of those, but something silly and humorous all the same.
Now I could listen to the game while fucking Linda, and she'd never be the wiser. The best of both worlds!
Now isn't this just every mans' fantasy!
Most of what I have noted here is just little things, that in my opinion, I felt would have made your story even better.
It's is a good and funny read.
I wish you well with your future writing.
Have a good day,
Alex (fem).
Last edited:
PaulX35
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2002
- Posts
- 331
Your Countness,
Allow me one remark on your story? When you tell you first hug your girlfriend after finding out the tv is still ok, you tell us she is not wearing a bar.
Later on, in the bedroom, you have her take her bra off.
Off what?!? ;-)
Otherwise nice reading, good touch of fun. Probably a 'typical male' thing, but what the heck
Allow me one remark on your story? When you tell you first hug your girlfriend after finding out the tv is still ok, you tell us she is not wearing a bar.
Later on, in the bedroom, you have her take her bra off.
Off what?!? ;-)
Otherwise nice reading, good touch of fun. Probably a 'typical male' thing, but what the heck
Wicked-N-Erotic
Wicked As I Wanna Be
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2002
- Posts
- 1,095
Count
What an original story. It was so funny and yet so typical as to guys and their sports viewing. I've been there too many times with my husband either saying wait til the game is over or watching it over his shoulder LOL. I will definately have him read this one, he'll love it.
Thanks for the great story, and oh yea, I forgot to look for mistakes
. Don't think they really matter after the plot captures your attention.
Wicked
My Stories
What an original story. It was so funny and yet so typical as to guys and their sports viewing. I've been there too many times with my husband either saying wait til the game is over or watching it over his shoulder LOL. I will definately have him read this one, he'll love it.
Thanks for the great story, and oh yea, I forgot to look for mistakes
. Don't think they really matter after the plot captures your attention.Wicked
My Stories
ColoradoRon
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2001
- Posts
- 6
Great and funny too!!!
Count
The reviews here piqued my interest and I just had to read the story. What a novel idea! I don't have any mistakes to point out that haven't already been relayed to you but just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the reading. Keep up the good words.
Count
The reviews here piqued my interest and I just had to read the story. What a novel idea! I don't have any mistakes to point out that haven't already been relayed to you but just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the reading. Keep up the good words.
Thanks, but....
Thanks for all the positive comments, I'm glad to see that the story's been well-received.
I did some quick figuring, and sometime this last week somebody torpedoed my score by giving the story a '1'.
Oh, well, I guess that's the way some people play the game. I didn't write it for the score, though, I wrote it for the same reason that most people here write....for the joy of doing it.
But it is rather unfortunate that there are those individuals who feel that the only way to make themselves look better is by making others look worse.
Truth is, it actually says more about themselves than it does anyone else.
So whoever it was, I have a message for you:
Stop me before I write again!
TheCount ^o^
Thanks for all the positive comments, I'm glad to see that the story's been well-received.
I did some quick figuring, and sometime this last week somebody torpedoed my score by giving the story a '1'.
Oh, well, I guess that's the way some people play the game. I didn't write it for the score, though, I wrote it for the same reason that most people here write....for the joy of doing it.
But it is rather unfortunate that there are those individuals who feel that the only way to make themselves look better is by making others look worse.
Truth is, it actually says more about themselves than it does anyone else.
So whoever it was, I have a message for you:
Stop me before I write again!
TheCount ^o^
sirhugs
Riding to the Rescue
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2002
- Posts
- 40,376
Like the_bragis, I liked the opening- the conflicting male/female roles was cute , and I agree it could have been developed more.
It seemed to become too unreal from the moment the Tv which had just
erupted in a brief display of the world's most technologically advanced sparks and smoke.
survived.
I disliked the character for describing her a "bitch " . No TV justifies labeling a woman like that. Its only a thing. By treating her as less important than a thing, its the lowest form of chauvinism. First time through, I hit the "back" key then.
Second time through, I groaned, rolled my eyes and gave up as soon as she still wanted to have sex. Any woman willing to fuck after being treated so badly isn't a character I care about. So I disliked him, and found her unrealistic. Stopped a second time.
Her tits were huge, 38DD, and she had nipples that stood a good half-inch when erect. She knew that it drove me insane when she rubbed them on my chest.
Why must all cardboard female characters have improbably large breasts? And why not just say" bountiful bosom" or " ample"- why a number. I tend to find DD's too droopy and udderlike. By substituting excessive detail for my own imagination, you give me more than I need or want, and it isn't what I want.
Did he measure her nipples? how about "stuck out like thumbs"?
The intergration of the play by play with the sex seemed mismatched and forced. I found it distracting. It was a cute gimmick, but perhaps too cute. To work, extra effort was needed to match the announcing to the action in the bedroom. Oral sex is not a "catch" as far as I imagine it.
The sex scenes themselves I found uninspiring, a jumble of hot and cold, and phrases like:
I hung in there like a trooper
This is an unimaginative cliche, which just made me dislike the male character more. He seems to be wanting to be a hero for giving her pleasure.
Following this by the strong depiction of him satisfying himself jackhammering reinforced my dislike ( dare I say, disgust?).
I wasn't surprised to find out she cheated- it almost made me like her. His cliched response was in character, but no surprise, therefore uninteresting.
I was disappointed you turned an interesting plot device into such woman hating tripe.
It seemed to become too unreal from the moment the Tv which had just
erupted in a brief display of the world's most technologically advanced sparks and smoke.
survived.
I disliked the character for describing her a "bitch " . No TV justifies labeling a woman like that. Its only a thing. By treating her as less important than a thing, its the lowest form of chauvinism. First time through, I hit the "back" key then.
Second time through, I groaned, rolled my eyes
and gave up as soon as she still wanted to have sex. Any woman willing to fuck after being treated so badly isn't a character I care about. So I disliked him, and found her unrealistic. Stopped a second time.Her tits were huge, 38DD, and she had nipples that stood a good half-inch when erect. She knew that it drove me insane when she rubbed them on my chest.
Why must all cardboard female characters have improbably large breasts? And why not just say" bountiful bosom" or " ample"- why a number. I tend to find DD's too droopy and udderlike. By substituting excessive detail for my own imagination, you give me more than I need or want, and it isn't what I want.
Did he measure her nipples? how about "stuck out like thumbs"?
The intergration of the play by play with the sex seemed mismatched and forced. I found it distracting. It was a cute gimmick, but perhaps too cute. To work, extra effort was needed to match the announcing to the action in the bedroom. Oral sex is not a "catch" as far as I imagine it.
The sex scenes themselves I found uninspiring, a jumble of hot and cold, and phrases like:
I hung in there like a trooper
This is an unimaginative cliche, which just made me dislike the male character more. He seems to be wanting to be a hero for giving her pleasure.
Following this by the strong depiction of him satisfying himself jackhammering reinforced my dislike ( dare I say, disgust?).
I wasn't surprised to find out she cheated- it almost made me like her. His cliched response was in character, but no surprise, therefore uninteresting.
I was disappointed you turned an interesting plot device into such woman hating tripe.
Wow!
So why don't you give me an example of a story here that you like? Or does such a thing even exist?
It seemed to become too unreal from the moment the Tv which had just
erupted in a brief display of the world's most technologically advanced sparks and smoke.
survived.
I must have missed the part where it said that suspension of disbelief was not allowed.
First time through, I hit the "back" key then.
So why bother with it after that point if it fails to meet your lofty standards?
Stopped a second time.
See previous response.
I found it distracting.
Distracting from what? The story?
To work, extra effort was needed to match the announcing to the action in the bedroom.
Guilty as charged! A story that makes the reader think?? What could have possessed me? My humble apologies.
Oral sex is not a "catch" as far as I imagine it.
I think the last six words of this part explains it rather well.
The sex scenes themselves I found uninspiring
What exactly were you expecting them to inspire you to do?? Now I'm confused.
Following this by the strong depiction of him satisfying himself jackhammering
Welcome to the world of Joe Sixpack.
( dare I say, disgust?).
By all means - say it! Be brave!
I was disappointed you turned an interesting plot device into such woman hating tripe.
I apologize for disappointing you so severely. I've been operating under the obviously mistaken notion that these are supposed to be just stories, and not great beacons of social enlightenment and discourse.
I bet you'd be great fun to see a 'Star Wars' movie with.
Your Humble Servant,
TheCount ^o^
So why don't you give me an example of a story here that you like? Or does such a thing even exist?
It seemed to become too unreal from the moment the Tv which had just
erupted in a brief display of the world's most technologically advanced sparks and smoke.
survived.
I must have missed the part where it said that suspension of disbelief was not allowed.
First time through, I hit the "back" key then.
So why bother with it after that point if it fails to meet your lofty standards?
Stopped a second time.
See previous response.
I found it distracting.
Distracting from what? The story?
To work, extra effort was needed to match the announcing to the action in the bedroom.
Guilty as charged! A story that makes the reader think?? What could have possessed me? My humble apologies.
Oral sex is not a "catch" as far as I imagine it.
I think the last six words of this part explains it rather well.
The sex scenes themselves I found uninspiring
What exactly were you expecting them to inspire you to do?? Now I'm confused.
Following this by the strong depiction of him satisfying himself jackhammering
Welcome to the world of Joe Sixpack.
( dare I say, disgust?).
By all means - say it! Be brave!
I was disappointed you turned an interesting plot device into such woman hating tripe.
I apologize for disappointing you so severely. I've been operating under the obviously mistaken notion that these are supposed to be just stories, and not great beacons of social enlightenment and discourse.
I bet you'd be great fun to see a 'Star Wars' movie with.
Your Humble Servant,
TheCount ^o^
sirhugs
Riding to the Rescue
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2002
- Posts
- 40,376
There are lots of good stories here. I have posted feedback on several, and I think yours is the first where I struggled to find something nice to say.
Why did I persevere to read it? Because you asked for feedback. And I felt the uniformly praising comments needed some balance. You asked for "any kind of feedback". I guess you really meant " any kind of positive praising feedback.
If you think my comments are not helpful, feel free to disregard them.
Why did I persevere to read it? Because you asked for feedback. And I felt the uniformly praising comments needed some balance. You asked for "any kind of feedback". I guess you really meant " any kind of positive praising feedback.
If you think my comments are not helpful, feel free to disregard them.
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Like I said...
"I guess you really meant " any kind of positive praising feedback. ""
That's a bit assumptive on your part, in my opinion.
Like I said, these are supposed to be just stories, and not great beacons of social enlightenment and discourse.
As I'm sure you've seen, some of the others who have posted here have pointed out specific things where improvement could be made, and those are the sort of things that a layman such as myself actually finds useful.
To excoriate the story for not being something that it was never intended to be indicates a possible preponderance of pretentious pomposity.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Like many others who post stories on this site, I do it because it's something I enjoy doing in my spare time. I'm not out to shake the world or inspire great minds to expand. And, unlike some, it isn't a way of life for me, either.
I've read some of your stories, and I must admit, they're much more descriptive and thought-provoking than mine.
While there's nothing wrong with reading Tolstoy and eating filet mignon with fine wine, there's also a place for Stephen King and hamburgers with a cold beer, too.
Perhaps that's an analogy that best describes our different outlooks - what do you think?
"I guess you really meant " any kind of positive praising feedback. ""
That's a bit assumptive on your part, in my opinion.
Like I said, these are supposed to be just stories, and not great beacons of social enlightenment and discourse.
As I'm sure you've seen, some of the others who have posted here have pointed out specific things where improvement could be made, and those are the sort of things that a layman such as myself actually finds useful.
To excoriate the story for not being something that it was never intended to be indicates a possible preponderance of pretentious pomposity.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Like many others who post stories on this site, I do it because it's something I enjoy doing in my spare time. I'm not out to shake the world or inspire great minds to expand. And, unlike some, it isn't a way of life for me, either.
I've read some of your stories, and I must admit, they're much more descriptive and thought-provoking than mine.
While there's nothing wrong with reading Tolstoy and eating filet mignon with fine wine, there's also a place for Stephen King and hamburgers with a cold beer, too.
Perhaps that's an analogy that best describes our different outlooks - what do you think?
by the way.....
"And I felt the uniformly praising comments needed some balance."
Am I to assume that this means that whenever someone posts a story that isn't generally well-received, you then step front and center to point out and praise the virtues and redeeming qualities of said story in the interests of providing 'balance'?
Somehow I doubt it.
But again, I could be wrong, huh?
"And I felt the uniformly praising comments needed some balance."
Am I to assume that this means that whenever someone posts a story that isn't generally well-received, you then step front and center to point out and praise the virtues and redeeming qualities of said story in the interests of providing 'balance'?
Somehow I doubt it.
But again, I could be wrong, huh?
Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2000
- Posts
- 3,089
After the controversy, I just had to see what all the fuss was about.
I do agree that the man seemed pretty nasty. If someone treated me like that, after HE was the one who knocked my arm, he'd have gotten an earful, and maybe some MORE wine down the back of the TV. Perhaps you might consider having him rant at her, but not specifically making a special effort to tell Linda what a stupid bitch she was the whole time. Calling someone stupid is very harsh, and when you add "bitch" to it...well, why offend people if you don't have to? He can still be angry, just not be so verbally brutal about it.
I think that sirhugs, gentleman that he seems to be, simply has a thing about mistreating women. We all have our triggers, and his seems to be men verbally abusing women, which is no crime.
However, the rest of the story was amusing. I thought the premise was original--something seldom seen here.
I did see a few small errors. Something with an apostrophe, and something else I can't recall now. Other than that, I thought it was funny.
I do agree that the man seemed pretty nasty. If someone treated me like that, after HE was the one who knocked my arm, he'd have gotten an earful, and maybe some MORE wine down the back of the TV. Perhaps you might consider having him rant at her, but not specifically making a special effort to tell Linda what a stupid bitch she was the whole time. Calling someone stupid is very harsh, and when you add "bitch" to it...well, why offend people if you don't have to? He can still be angry, just not be so verbally brutal about it.
I think that sirhugs, gentleman that he seems to be, simply has a thing about mistreating women. We all have our triggers, and his seems to be men verbally abusing women, which is no crime.
However, the rest of the story was amusing. I thought the premise was original--something seldom seen here.
I did see a few small errors. Something with an apostrophe, and something else I can't recall now. Other than that, I thought it was funny.
OldnotDead
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2002
- Posts
- 498
I liked the original idea. Lots of fun! I've read most of the criticisms above and think they've covered a lot. So I'll just add one suggestion that someone gave me that helped a lot.
Read your story out loud to yourself. If there are parts that don't sound smooth or are difficult to read, it means they won't read well to someone that hasn't ever seen the words before.
Normally I like stories with more dialog between the characters. But with your unusual setting, you limit the dialog to the Al and John. If you let your hero have another adventure with the 'amazing interfearing earbud', you might try mixing up his dialog, his lover's and the commentators. It could be a lot of fun.
Personally, I hope to see more,
OnD
Read your story out loud to yourself. If there are parts that don't sound smooth or are difficult to read, it means they won't read well to someone that hasn't ever seen the words before.
Normally I like stories with more dialog between the characters. But with your unusual setting, you limit the dialog to the Al and John. If you let your hero have another adventure with the 'amazing interfearing earbud', you might try mixing up his dialog, his lover's and the commentators. It could be a lot of fun.
Personally, I hope to see more,
OnD
Rusher
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2000
- Posts
- 155
Count, may I suggest..
that if you're going to ask for feedback you accept both the good and the bad? You seem to have taken up the habit of many of the writers here: that being, you take to the good comments like a kitten to cream, but you attack anyone who makes negative comments. I think you should accept that both points of view are valid. Especially given that the negative feedback was not given by an unregistered person.
OK, with that rant behind me, let me say this about the story. It was a great idea, an original one, which is saying a lot. But I think you missed some opportunities for funny word play between the characters, and for some comical contrasts between TV technology and sex. For instance, instead of a jackhammer, why not contrast sex and a man who changes channels with a remote so fast that you can't even tell what's on the channel?
You wrote a good story. I think you could go back, expand on the theme, and make it even better.
that if you're going to ask for feedback you accept both the good and the bad? You seem to have taken up the habit of many of the writers here: that being, you take to the good comments like a kitten to cream, but you attack anyone who makes negative comments. I think you should accept that both points of view are valid. Especially given that the negative feedback was not given by an unregistered person.
OK, with that rant behind me, let me say this about the story. It was a great idea, an original one, which is saying a lot. But I think you missed some opportunities for funny word play between the characters, and for some comical contrasts between TV technology and sex. For instance, instead of a jackhammer, why not contrast sex and a man who changes channels with a remote so fast that you can't even tell what's on the channel?
You wrote a good story. I think you could go back, expand on the theme, and make it even better.
Hey Count,
I looked at your story “The Voices of Monday Night” and it is an OK story. I did have a little trouble getting into it but that was my fault. I kept remembering a cup of my wife’s coffee going into the back of the first brand new TV I had ever purchased the same week we finished paying for it. I was not so lucky as the character in your story. My TV never did work again!
Just keep up the good work there fellow and we will keep on enjoying.
OldClyde
I looked at your story “The Voices of Monday Night” and it is an OK story. I did have a little trouble getting into it but that was my fault. I kept remembering a cup of my wife’s coffee going into the back of the first brand new TV I had ever purchased the same week we finished paying for it. I was not so lucky as the character in your story. My TV never did work again!
Just keep up the good work there fellow and we will keep on enjoying.
OldClyde
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