Looking For Feedback on My Part 2 To My Story

[LucieLou007]

I am quite new to writing so any feedback is welcome .. Thank you

https://literotica.com/s/the-debt-that-keeps-giving-ch-02

 

[AlinaX]

The first few paragraphs talk about a setup for Saturday, and this ties in with what is the main arc of the series, but then the rest of the chapter is all about an orgy on the Friday. I found myself confused as a result.

I haven't read it in detail. In the first part, you jump through the story quite abruptly. You set up the blackmail, but apart from some initial yelling which would have been better as cold fury, the inner conflict this offers is ignored.

I say this often, but erotica is all about seduction - not who Lucie seduces, but how Lucie herself and thus the reader is seduced.

 

[LucieLou007]

The first few paragraphs talk about a setup for Saturday, and this ties in with what is the main arc of the series, but then the rest of the chapter is all about an orgy on the Friday. I found myself confused as a result.

I haven't read it in detail. In the first part, you jump through the story quite abruptly. You set up the blackmail, but apart from some initial yelling which would have been better as cold fury, the inner conflict this offers is ignored.

I say this often, but erotica is all about seduction - not who Lucie seduces, but how Lucie herself and thus the reader is seduced.

Thanks but like i said i am new to writing and one learns from mistakes, i can only get back better as time goes on. But thanks for your feedback

 

[Andrew1968]

I just read chapter 2. I haven’t read Chapter 1 yet. I will read it though.

Lucie, I note you have 3 stories published on Literotica, so far, and have picked up 53 followers! Congrats, that’s a great effort! You certainly have an audience, which likes what you write. With that in mind, I certainly wouldn’t recommend any major changes to what you write about in your stories. Whether you change things up, however, is up to you.

It is an appealing way to go: you have plenty of sexy young characters, you have a ton of non-stop action, and the sex is so explicit and X-rated. This person is doing that to another person. Then someone else does something to someone else, and so on. It’s interesting and appealing to a lot of readers.

I recommend the following to hopefully help you: take the time to read your stories, out loud, before you submit them. I usually do this. I think I spend about 30% of my time actually writing a first draft and then about 70% of my time reading, re-reading and re-reading them over and over again. As a result, I spend a lot of time changing a word here and a word there. I add more stuff and get rid of stuff. I keep adding more and more and refining the thing as I go. I also pick up the spelling and grammar errors, etc. What I finally publish ends up being (I hope) a polished piece, which has been read and edited up to a dozen times or more.

 

[ElectricBlue]

My god girl, slow down! Your enthusiasm jumps off the page, but you need to let the reader take a breath. Learn when to use commas and full stops - your sentences are exhausting because they're continuous. Too many commas, not enough full stops. Punctuation should be like breathing - full stops sorta kinda mean, take a breath.

Proof read, proof read, proof read. While "nibbles" is a really cute spelling mistake, I think you meant nipples.

Some readers jump ship at the body specifications, other readers love them; but there are better ways to describe characters than lists and measurements. You hit us with them twice in the first five hundred words, and the second time was when I came to write this.

The main thing, right now, is to learn better punctuation, and know when a sentence begins and ends. Your long, meandering, poorly constructed sentences means the action is hard to follow.

Don't lose your enthusiasm, but control it, know what I mean? Keep writing, but pause to breathe, every now and then .

 

[LucieLou007]

I just read chapter 2. I haven’t read Chapter 1 yet. I will read it though.

Lucie, I note you have 3 stories published on Literotica, so far, and have picked up 53 followers! Congrats, that’s a great effort! You certainly have an audience, which likes what you write. With that in mind, I certainly wouldn’t recommend any major changes to what you write about in your stories. Whether you change things up, however, is up to you.

It is an appealing way to go: you have plenty of sexy young characters, you have a ton of non-stop action, and the sex is so explicit and X-rated. This person is doing that to another person. Then someone else does something to someone else, and so on. It’s interesting and appealing to a lot of readers.

I recommend the following to hopefully help you: take the time to read your stories, out loud, before you submit them. I usually do this. I think I spend about 30% of my time actually writing a first draft and then about 70% of my time reading, re-reading and re-reading them over and over again. As a result, I spend a lot of time changing a word here and a word there. I add more stuff and get rid of stuff. I keep adding more and more and refining the thing as I go. I also pick up the spelling and grammar errors, etc. What I finally publish ends up being (I hope) a polished piece, which has been read and edited up to a dozen times or more.

Thank you for your kind words

 

[gran_pron]

Similar constructive comments from me. Like your enthusiasm, but when reading chapter 2 I suddenly found myself chuckling a bit because the title of the movie "Everything Everywhere All at Once" popped into my mind.

So much going on that it was hard to envision it and I think that is what we are all looking for.
I think good stories are the ones that are able to seduce us to see the events unfold themselves in our minds and I am sorry to say your's didnt for me.

I am no writer by any means and my grammar isn't particularly good not being native English so I don't mind the occasional issue with grammar but even for me that story did feel rushed and that also didnt help.

Take more time to review, dont publish to quick, re-read a while after writing and see if things need a change.

 

[LucieLou007]

My god girl, slow down! Your enthusiasm jumps off the page, but you need to let the reader take a breath. Learn when to use commas and full stops - your sentences are exhausting because they're continuous. Too many commas, not enough full stops. Punctuation should be like breathing - full stops sorta kinda mean, take a breath.

Proof read, proof read, proof read. While "nibbles" is a really cute spelling mistake, I think you meant nipples.

Some readers jump ship at the body specifications, other readers love them; but there are better ways to describe characters than lists and measurements. You hit us with them twice in the first five hundred words, and the second time was when I came to write this.

The main thing, right now, is to learn better punctuation, and know when a sentence begins and ends. Your long, meandering, poorly constructed sentences means the action is hard to follow.

Don't lose your enthusiasm, but control it, know what I mean? Keep writing, but pause to breathe, every now and then

Similar constructive comments from me. Like your enthusiasm, but when reading chapter 2 I suddenly found myself chuckling a bit because the title of the movie "Everything Everywhere All at Once" popped into my mind.

So much going on that it was hard to envision it and I think that is what we are all looking for.
I think good stories are the ones that are able to seduce us to see the events unfold themselves in our minds and I am sorry to say your's didnt for me.

I am no writer by any means and my grammar isn't particularly good not being native English so I don't mind the occasional issue with grammar but even for me that story did feel rushed and that also didnt help.

Take more time to review, dont publish to quick, re-read a while after writing and see if things need a change.

Thank you, i am new to writing and can only get better

 

[ColinPiper]

Hi. Well done for putting your writing out there. Your approach and writing certain seem enthusiastic.

Others have pointed out already, but I'll repeat. You're making basic punctuation errors - especially with placing commas where full stops should go.

Yours:
If you remember I am Lucie, I'm 25, a little short at 5.5, and I have brown hair. Everyone says I have great tits, their 36DD and super sensitive, I have a great ass that my friends say is a perfect peach shape.

Better:
If you remember, I'm Lucie. I'm twenty five, a little short at five feet five inches, and I have brown hair. Everyone says I have great tits. They're 36DD and super sensitive. I have a great ass that my friends say is a perfect peach shape.

With these kinds of errors, a lot of readers will stop after the first paragraph.

When writing dialogue, there's a set of rules. Check out this link - Punctuating Dialogue

Try to minimise the passive voice. Use action instead. Generally this means cut out the -ing words as much as possible. For instance:

Yours:
I found myself riding his cock, it was just what I needed, and it was certainly hitting the right spots, Rob moaned as Jenny climbed onto the bed sitting on his face, she leaned in and slid her sharp little tongue into my mouth, I felt like a dirty girl being fucked and kissing Kate's Sister but fuck it felt nice, Jenny was moaning into my mouth as our tongues danced in and out of each other's mouths.

Better:
I found myself on his cock. It was just what I needed and it hit the right spots. Rob moaned when Jenny climbed onto the bed and sat on his face. She leaned in and slid her sharp little tongue into my mouth. I felt like a dirty girl as I fucked and kissed Kate's sister, but fuck, it felt nice. Jenny moaned into my mouth as our tongues danced with each other.

Hope this helps. Good luck with your writing.

 

[LucieLou007]

Hi. Well done for putting your writing out there. Your approach and writing certain seem enthusiastic.

Others have pointed out already, but I'll repeat. You're making basic punctuation errors - especially with placing commas where full stops should go.

Yours:
If you remember I am Lucie, I'm 25, a little short at 5.5, and I have brown hair. Everyone says I have great tits, their 36DD and super sensitive, I have a great ass that my friends say is a perfect peach shape.

Better:
If you remember, I'm Lucie. I'm twenty five, a little short at five feet five inches, and I have brown hair. Everyone says I have great tits. They're 36DD and super sensitive. I have a great ass that my friends say is a perfect peach shape.

With these kinds of errors, a lot of readers will stop after the first paragraph.

When writing dialogue, there's a set of rules. Check out this link - Punctuating Dialogue

Try to minimise the passive voice. Use action instead. Generally this means cut out the -ing words as much as possible. For instance:

Yours:
I found myself riding his cock, it was just what I needed, and it was certainly hitting the right spots, Rob moaned as Jenny climbed onto the bed sitting on his face, she leaned in and slid her sharp little tongue into my mouth, I felt like a dirty girl being fucked and kissing Kate's Sister but fuck it felt nice, Jenny was moaning into my mouth as our tongues danced in and out of each other's mouths.

Better:
I found myself on his cock. It was just what I needed and it hit the right spots. Rob moaned when Jenny climbed onto the bed and sat on his face. She leaned in and slid her sharp little tongue into my mouth. I felt like a dirty girl as I fucked and kissed Kate's sister, but fuck, it felt nice. Jenny moaned into my mouth as our tongues danced with each other.

Hope this helps. Good luck with your writing.

Never asked for you to rewrite it lol this is just how you want to read it, does not help me actually

 

[ColinPiper]

Hi. That's a very poor reaction from someone who asked for feedback. My intention is to help you improve. Your reply seems like, "no thanks".

(That said, I usually put a "my opinions only, for you to take or leave" disclaimer in my feedback and I forgot this time.)

 

[LucieLou007]

Hi. That's a very poor reaction from someone who asked for feedback. My intention is to help you improve. Your reply seems like, "no thanks".

(That said, I usually put a "my opinions only, for you to take or leave" disclaimer in my feedback and I forgot this time.)

No was not for you to think that it's just how I write totally British so the wording is different to many, but thanks for your feedback

 

[ElectricBlue]

Yours:
I found myself riding his cock, it was just what I needed, and it was certainly hitting the right spots, Rob moaned as Jenny climbed onto the bed sitting on his face, she leaned in and slid her sharp little tongue into my mouth, I felt like a dirty girl being fucked and kissing Kate's Sister but fuck it felt nice, Jenny was moaning into my mouth as our tongues danced in and out of each other's mouths.

Better:
I found myself on his cock. It was just what I needed and it hit the right spots. Rob moaned when Jenny climbed onto the bed and sat on his face. She leaned in and slid her sharp little tongue into my mouth. I felt like a dirty girl as I fucked and kissed Kate's sister, but fuck, it felt nice. Jenny moaned into my mouth as our tongues danced with each other.

I reckon LucieLou's rendition is okay - the ing verbs are in the moment, they're active.

When a verb is active, it means the subject of the sentence is the one doing the action, whereas with passive voice, the subject has the action done to it, rather than actually doing it. I'm not sure "ing" enters into the equation at all.

These are stylistic niceties, but the OP's major weakness is not knowing where to use commas and full-stops to construct intelligible sentences. The words themselves are generally okay, it's the punctuation where it falls over.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I reckon LucieLou's rendition is okay - the ing verbs are in the moment, they're active.

When a verb is active, it means the subject of the sentence is the one doing the action, whereas with passive voice, the subject has the action done to it, rather than actually doing it. I'm not sure "ing" enters into the equation at all.

These are stylistic niceties, but the OP's major weakness is not knowing where to use commas and full-stops to construct intelligible sentences. The words themselves are generally okay, it's the punctuation where it falls over.

I mostly agree.

To be clear the only passive voice verb in the original passage is 'was being fucked.' All the others are continuous. I've not seen advice saying to avoid the continuous in writing - 'While doing A, I did B' is a good porn construction. It's possible to think Lucie is overusing it when a simpler construction would suffice, but that's more of an opinion.

I'm a bit confused where British/American enters into it.

 

[ColinPiper]

I mostly agree.

To be clear the only passive voice verb in the original passage is 'was being fucked.' All the others are continuous. I've not seen advice saying to avoid the continuous in writing - 'While doing A, I did B' is a good porn construction. It's possible to think Lucie is overusing it when a simpler construction would suffice, but that's more of an opinion.

I'm a bit confused where British/American enters into it.

Let's not get too hung up on the specifics of passive voice. You correctly identified what I was getting at - I feel there are sentences with too many progressive (ing) uses of verbs, and changing some of them would be less jarring, to my eyes.

 

[Stacysmith287]

I think it's really good..well done Lucie xx

 

[Celticeyes]

You really need to take a course on grammar and punctuation.

 

[AlinaX]

Meh. Just sort the commas.

 

[Bazzle]

No was not for you to think that it's just how I write totally British so the wording is different to many, but thanks for your feedback

Yeah, people complaining about English English is totally a thing!

BUT listen to feedback about sentences is important. I have learnt from this crowd. Where as a reader do you take a breath? At a full stop.

I have gone back through all my stories and edited them. Shrinking the sentences and trying to make them read better.

Its worth it.

The grammar police now leave me alone, they just don't like the topic i write about!

 

[Bazzle]

I am quite new to writing so any feedback is welcome .. Thank you

https://literotica.com/s/the-debt-that-keeps-giving-ch-02

I will also add.

"During the rest of the week, I was apprehensive, but I can't lie, I was kind of horny as well."

You could probably written another 500 words for this sentence?
How did you feel as the days ticked by. Why when thinking about the weekend to come were you knickers so damp?

You could describe her being dragged up the stairs? Plush carpet between the toes?
What was Jennifer wearing?

 

[LucieLou007]

Thanks for feedback

 

[wellhung38]

Lucie I think the feedback on the story is what you should go by, these are the people you wrote the story for and clearly they love it.

Write what you want for the people that follow you, don’t worry about the grammar police on here.

 

[PG564E]

I am quite new to writing so any feedback is welcome .. Thank you

https://literotica.com/s/the-debt-that-keeps-giving-ch-02

Your very erotic and it shows in your writing. Your talented, and your love of sex is portrayed in your stories. Good job!

 

[AlinaX]

Thanks for feedback

(Funny. I got a notification for this.)

 

[ColinPiper]

Lucie I think the feedback on the story is what you should go by, these are the people you wrote the story for and clearly they love it.

Write what you want for the people that follow you, don’t worry about the grammar police on here.

Erm, the motivation for people who point out areas for improvement is to help the author get better and ultimately widen their audience. It's not about putting them down. Not in my case at least. I don't understand why people have difficulty with this concept.