Looking for feedback on my new novel "Tick Tock" ch 2

[qqnforyou6]

What do you think will happen and what would you like to see happen?

 

[8letters]

Link? Category?

 

[qqnforyou6]

How do you post a link?

 

[PennLady]

How do you post a link?

The easiest thing is to go to the story page and copy the link in the address bar. Then open another tab (most browsers allow this), or just go to this forum page, make a new post and paste in the link you copied. It will automatically be a link when you hit "submit."

I think you're more likely to get feedback if you provide a link. Many people put links in the signatures, but many readers don't have those displayed (I don't). Also, people don't always have time, or want, to go searching in the story area.

I have to add this -- I am leery of authors saying "what do you want to happen." Because it is your story, and you should know what is going to happen. This is not to say that authors shouldn't bounce some ideas off people, or something like that, but a story written by committee is not usually very good.

 

[8letters]

Here is a link to one of my stories. If you hit quote, you can see how I formed it. The "http://www.literoica.com/..." part comes from the top of your browser when you are looking at your story.

 

[qqnforyou6]

You are correct Pennlady. I just like to listen to what the readers "want" to happen. I have the entire story outlined and I write from that...plus I add stuff as I think of it. Thank you for showing me that point.

 

[8letters]

I have to add this -- I am leery of authors saying "what do you want to happen." Because it is your story, and you should know what is going to happen. This is not to say that authors shouldn't bounce some ideas off people, or something like that, but a story written by committee is not usually very good.

You are correct Pennlady. I just like to listen to what the readers "want" to happen. I have the entire story outlined and I write from that...plus I add stuff as I think of it. Thank you for showing me that point.

I feel like I have wasted my time when I get to the end of a story and the author begs the readers for suggestions on what should happen next. At the same time, I can see where qqnforyou6 is coming from. I have submitted the third chapter of one my stories and I am hoping that people will be very curious as to what will happen in chapter four as I think it isn't obvious how the story goes on. But I could be wrong and what happens next might be blindingly obvious to everyone. Or no one could care.

From the suggestions I have gotten, what my readers want to have happen is that my male leads screws every female in sight.

 

[PennLady]

You are correct Pennlady. I just like to listen to what the readers "want" to happen. I have the entire story outlined and I write from that...plus I add stuff as I think of it. Thank you for showing me that point.

Well, in that case, I'd be prepared for a little backlash if you ask readers what they want to happen and then it doesn't happen. And in general I find that readers will tell you what they'd like to happen even if you don't ask.

 

[PennLady]

I feel like I have wasted my time when I get to the end of a story and the author begs the readers for suggestions on what should happen next. At the same time, I can see where qqnforyou6 is coming from. I have submitted the third chapter of one my stories and I am hoping that people will be very curious as to what will happen in chapter four as I think it isn't obvious how the story goes on. But I could be wrong and what happens next might be blindingly obvious to everyone. Or no one could care.

From the suggestions I have gotten, what my readers want to have happen is that my male leads screws every female in sight.

I agree, but it looks like qqforyou is just curious, not actually looking for readers' ideas on continuing the story.

 

[qqnforyou6]

Thank you Pennlady. I do like to hear what the readers think. I don't know why but I used to get an incredible amount of feedback 10 years ago. There has been hardly any now. Is that the norm nowadays?

 

[8letters]

Here is the story under Novels and Novellas. I never read that category as it doesn't give me much of a feel of what the novel is about.

Thank you Pennlady. I do like to hear what the readers think. I don't know why but I used to get an incredible amount of feedback 10 years ago. There has been hardly any now. Is that the norm nowadays?

I would guess it varies by category. Also, a later chapter in a multi-chapter story is going to get higher ratings, but fewer views and comments.

One day while I was out working in the yard , I was approached by a woman who was walking down the gravel road. I put the small branches down that I just picked up and reached out to greet her.

"Hello, I am Colleen," I said as I reached out to shake this unknown woman's hand.

"Hi," I am Alexandria," the woman said as her hand slipped into Colleens for a hand shake.

You repeat "reached out" for no apparent reason. "I am" is very formal for a simple conversation. You have an extraneous quote. As the story is first person, it should be "into mine", not "into Colleens". Very wordy way of saying "as she shook my hand".

"Welcome to the neighborhood," Alexandria said as she chuckled while looking out across the vast open fields around them. "I live down around the corner in the big brick house."

Why didn't you combine this with the prior paragraph? I assumed that the new dialogue was spoken by someone other than the person who spoke the prior dialogue.

"Thank you," I said as I stepped back to look at Alexandria better.

She was cute. She was about my age. She had incredibly pretty dark cat like eyes. Her hair was dark, almost black, shiny, and perfectly strait that came down to about mid back. Her skin, was a light bronze color, from being out in the country sun.

We made small talk in the yard until I invited her inside for a cold drink.

The pace of this is very slow. You could have easily said something like, "One day when I was working in the yard, my neighbor Alexandria stopped by to introduce herself. We made small talk for a while and then I invited her inside for a cold drink."

"She was cute. She was about my age. She had" - too many "she"'s that close together.

Don't tell us her eyes are "incredibly pretty". Let us decide that. That sentence needs more punctuation, probably "incredibly pretty, dark, cat-like eyes." Or better would be "dark, cat-like eyes."

"Incredibly pretty" is way too strong in this context. "Very pretty" at most, just "pretty" would probably be fine.

"Her hair was dark, almost black, shiny, and perfectly strait that came down to about mid back" - the "almost black" is disconcerting as it is modifies "dark" but appears in a list of descriptions about the hair. "strait" is misspelled. Missing a dash in "mid-back".

At this point, I would move on to another story. Too slow of a pace, too many writing errors.

 

[PennLady]

I skimmed the story -- I probably should have read Ch 1, so sorry there -- and it didn't really hold my interest. As noted above, the pace is slow and there is a lot of repetition of words. The dialogue is stilted, mostly because of the lack of contractions.

Dialogue is difficult, don't get me wrong, but one of the common errors that contributes to stilted dialogue is the lack of contractions. I attribute this to the fact that most of us in school (probably) learned to *not* use contractions, but that is for more formal writing. When writing fiction, especially contemporary fiction which is more in the realistic vein, you should write dialogue the way people actually speak, and people use contractions.

As for the story itself, one thing that got me was the husband's quick turnaround from being "horrified" at his wife's actions to going along with it. There didn't seem to be enough indecision on his part, he just changed, and that was a little hard to believe.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Its the Brady Bunch.

Five paragraphs is all I could stomach.

Its tepid, its inane, its saccharine, and pleasant enough for LIT PC TV.


In this weeks episode Jan and Marsha suffer prom angst.