looking for feedback on first story

[princessbedhead]

Hi. I published my first story here. I would very much appreciate feedback. I'm curious what people see as its strengths and weaknesses, and areas that could have been cut or expanded, what things worked or didn't work. Thanks in advance anyone who is willing to have a looksee!

The story's title is "Late Night With Lisa" and may be found here: http://www.literotica.com/s/late-night-with-lisa

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I gave you 5 stars.

You have raw potential.


But you don't mine the potential in the story. The sexual tension and attraction is ignored. Lisa's a liar or in denial. And you can build the tension and suspense with some hints and signals by Lisa, that motivate the other roomie to signal back.

 

[kinkierman]

This story sounded more like a memory than a fantasy. Very realistic. I liked it. I liked the slow build up, and the character building. Perhaps some people may prefer a slightly quicker character building. I like it as it is. I found it erotic, innocent in a way, and yes it turned me on

 

[8letters]

Good story. If I had written it, I wouldn't have had so much narrative summary at the beginning. Perhaps a scene where the narrator has a series of frustrations with Lisa. You could then back fill that scene with other frustrations over the last six weeks. Show, don't tell.

 

[princessbedhead]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. The next story I have in mind will be styled less like a memory, it will be in third person POV. That will probably help avoid including too much backstory. I appreciate all of the comments, thanks again.

~pbh

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi. I published my first story here. I would very much appreciate feedback. I'm curious what people see as its strengths and weaknesses, and areas that could have been cut or expanded, what things worked or didn't work. Thanks in advance anyone who is willing to have a looksee!

The story's title is "Late Night With Lisa" and may be found here: http://www.literotica.com/s/late-night-with-lisa

I think it's a pretty good start.
JBJ gave some good pointers but I'll add my thoughts.

The sexual tension between the two girls is not developed to explain the sudden ending. You mention underwear but don't dwell on the effects or build the sexual tension that is going to erupt when Lisa comes home a bit drunk.

I thought the story should finish (climax?) with the two of them together in bed shedding their differences and becoming soul mates and lovers. I'm just a romantic.

It is still a pretty impressive first post. Write more.

Elle

 

[StrangeLife]

I had to google "Josh Whedon" and still don't get the reference. Oh well...

Creator of Buffy.




About PrincessBedheads story...

Well written and despite the brief length both characters are realised well enough to make the story feel authentic. This is further enhanced by the sex-part that's nicely devoid of any exaggerating features but contains plenty of erotic tension. All in all a well crafted flash story which deserves a high rating.

I agree with JBJ that you missed some potential for building up tension over a longer period of time though. I hope you'll consider applying your talent to a more extensive piece in the future. I've got a feeling it would be great...

 

[hylas_]

I think the story is well written and easy to read. I think it's very matter-of-fact and unpretentious, which I like a lot. I also like the length of the story.

You spend about as much time on the almost completely asexual build-up as you do on the masturbation scene. It didn't particularly bother me, since it's well written and the whole story isn't that long to begin with. But it's still something to consider, perhaps with your next story.

From reading the first, non-sexual half alone, I'd have been barely able to guess that the narrator was attracted to Lisa. I think you could have tried to subtly slip in a few more hints there.

You write that Lisa has "adorable underwear" that you think is "sensational" and "sexy". I think I would have enjoyed more specificity there.

I think the ending is a little clumsy. Not necessarily in terms of what happens - I think it's fine that neither girl mentions the incident. Nor do I think the last paragraph should be longer, necessarily. But it would be nice if it would end on a more elegant note, perhaps a slight twist.