Looking for constructive feedback and tips.

[DaniMonyve]

I've just recently published three stories as of March (2 of which are part of the same story Ch.01/02) and am looking for some constructive feedback on whether or not I'm on the right track in development, style and technique. I would eventually like to submit for monetary gain if I've got what it takes. I enjoy writing a great deal and am always seeking ways to improve. I would appreciate all input. Don't worry I am thick skinned for a newbie. I do not offend easily so have at it.

Thanks so much!

http://www.literotica.com/s/please-allow-me-to-introduce-myself

http://www.literotica.com/s/please-allow-me-to-introduce-myself-ch-02

http://www.literotica.com/s/moving-in-8

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

OK The verdict is in.

I scored the 1st and 3rd stories '4.' Both over-runneth with more calamities than the Old Testament but they aren't bad enough for 3's. You possess plenty of untrained talent, use it.

Your problems are the usual stuff: punctuation, passive verbs etc.

 

[DaniMonyve]

Thanks!

OK The verdict is in.

I scored the 1st and 3rd stories '4.' Both over-runneth with more calamities than the Old Testament but they aren't bad enough for 3's. You possess plenty of untrained talent, use it.

Your problems are the usual stuff: punctuation, passive verbs etc.

Thank you for your feedback. Do you think a creative writing course may help?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Thank you for your feedback. Do you think a creative writing course may help?

No. They cant teach you the talent you already have, and you can learn the punctuation and other, reading. Read some excellent writers till it sinks in, then youll be excellent, too. Learn something new and apply it in your next story, then learn something else and apply it!

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

Thank you for your feedback. Do you think a creative writing course may help?

It depends on what your goals are and if you have the talent to get into some of the better workshops. I am of the opinion that once a writer reaches a certain level of competence that workshops are helpful. Other writers will see things in your story that you might miss and I am not talking about mistakes and the like. I am talking about directions the story can go in, aspects of a character that are suggested in an exchange that the writer is not fully aware of, how a different point of view or narrative voice can make a story unique.

At the best workshops the focus is not on "tweaking" a story or developing better chops. Instead, the focus is on major revisions and rewrites. The best instructor I ever worked with used to say, "I already know the story you can write. I am interested in the story you CAN'T write." Too many writers reach a level of complacency, especially when their stories are well written.

I didn't read your story because I am not a non-consent kind of guy and my comments might not be helpful.

 

[PacoFear]

Dani,

I skimmed your two-parter and, for what it's worth, I thought you had a nice rhythm. I second JBJ's advice: Read a li'l more and write a li'l more. This is a skill that builds over time, at least for us mere mortal types. You have the hard part. You've got something to say.

Some issues I saw as I skimmed are identified below in no particular order. Maybe do a little internet searching or do what I did and treat yourself to a copy of the Chicago Manual of Style (they're cheap online) and read over it to brush up on the odd punctuation issues that plague amateur fiction writers like you and me.

List o' issues
Punctuating dialogue
Direct address
Passive voice
Commas vs. semicolons vs. colons

Hope this helps,

-PF

P.S. Given your subject matter, you might also consider relocating your "Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself" over to either the sci-fi/fantasy category or the nonhuman category. My understanding is that both of those categories attract more readers, higher vote-volume and vote-value, and more comments. Someone with a better memory than mine can steer you to the category statistics that were done at some point by one of Lit's senior members, Owl-something-or-other?

 

[AMoveableBeast]

I think you have great raw talent. Work to refine it and--more than anything--let the story come to you. Like me, you are sometimes guilty of trying too hard. There is a fine line between being descriptive and jumbling your sentences

Also, don't be so determined not to reuse a word that you say something horrid. When presented with no other viable option, using the same word twice in one sentence is okay. I've heard the pressure to constantly vary called "slender yellow fruit syndrome", and it can compel you to write some fairly ridiculous things. For instance, "Bobby was given a choice between an apple and a banana, and he chose the slender yellow fruit."

I also agree with Paco Fear that the story could benefit from being moved, though I was thinking it more due to the fact that the story doesn't have a particularly strong NC feel to it.

To ask a question of my own, Paco, this is the first I've heard of NC having low-readership and vote output. Is this an established fact? I recently submitted my first story (a long, two-part piece) into the category and it has struggled to get votes and feedback.

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

I did read the "Moving In" story. Many things I can comment on but I will stick with one small thing that you could improve on. In the following passage the narrator is providing a description of herself.

As a nicely rounded full figured gal, I'm out running every morning like clockwork to keep it tight. At 39 my 38DD's are firmly mounted on smooth abs, flared hips and an ass people pay top dollar to have.

A few things.

Number 1, don't use a bra and cup size to describe your breasts. As Don Draper might say, "It's lazy."

Number 2: Because this is a first person narrative, describe the character's breasts from her point of view. What does it feel like when you go jogging in the summer's heat with double D's? Do they flop around? Do they threaten to bounce out of the jogging bra? Do they get so sweaty that the bra and t-shirt get all wet? Does your back hurt after jogging around with big boobs? What does it feel like to go jogging with flared hips and a bubble butt? If you can work in a description from the way a voluptuous woman feels like as she experiences everyday things like jogging the descriptions are much more powerful. Plus, you will also provide the reader with the character's attitude towards her own body, something that is helpful in erotica.

Number 3: Are double D's "firmly mounted"? My experience with voluptous women is that their breasts flop all over the place the moment you unhook their bra. Tiny breasts might be firmly mounted on smooth abs. Big ones spill over and conceal the tummy.

 

[DaniMonyve]

Thanks so much awesome people!!

You all have given me much to marinate on as your comments will be taken under serious advisement. There are an abundance of really great pointers and resources I can draw from here and look forward to doing just that. I am thoroughly appreciative of your encouragement and really grateful for the feedback provided.

Muchas gracias!

 

[DaniMonyve]

Hi BonnevilleFlats

Number 3: Are double D's "firmly mounted"? My experience with voluptous women is that their breasts flop all over the place the moment you unhook their bra. Tiny breasts might be firmly mounted on smooth abs. Big ones spill over and conceal the tummy.

-Thanks for your observations upon reading Moving In. However I have to disagree just a bit. Not all of them (DD's) spill over and conceal the tummy. With the exception of implants, factors such as good genes, age, a regular workout, or lack of having/carrying children can contribute to firm big breasts. Not that everyone can boast of this unfortunately. As a D cup myself, I can assure you my boobs don't conceal my tummy even after children

 

[PacoFear]

To ask a question of my own, Paco, this is the first I've heard of NC having low-readership and vote output. Is this an established fact? I recently submitted my first story (a long, two-part piece) into the category and it has struggled to get votes and feedback.

I didn't say that NC had low readership and vote output. I said nonhuman and sci-fi/fantasy had high ones. In retrospect I misspoke; I don't think nonhuman and sci-fi/fantasy get a high read volume (as compared to say Tab/Inc or Romance) but proportionately I think their readers vote more and higher and comment more. I don't recall where NC fell in the overall scheme, meaning as compared to the other categories.

My yeoman's sense of the NC readership is that it is fractured, a la Loving Wives, such that it's hard to please. Also, personal theory, the NC folks skew a little jaded. C'mon, by the time you're tying people up to get your jollies, you're bound to be a tad jaded. Yeah, sorry about the pun.

You asked for facts and I want them too. I blew an hour searching for the statistical analysis posting I mentioned in my earlier post. Perhaps it's gone. I'm pretty sure it was in either Reviews & Essays or How-to and written by a user whose name was owlwhisperer or something similar. I don't see him either. It would have been a few years old now. I'm guessing it was a circa 2007 posting. To my original point about relocating the OP's story; nonhuman and sci-fi/fantasy have only gotten more popular since then.

 

[PennLady]

I just read both stories. Neither are quite my thing, but that's not the point. I was trying to think of whether they were right within their little worlds.

"Moving In" is, I think. I do think there's too much "telling," especially with the descriptions. It's like reading list after list after list. And I know you need to get the narrator's physical characteristics, I kind of wish you'd done it differently. I think it's difficult with these descriptions from a first-person POV, because they almost always sound like the narrator is bragging or conceited. On the other hand, that probably works in something like this, because she's confident enough to show her body off.

"Please Allow Me..." didn't quite work for me. As a few of the commenters have mentioned, it seemed less non-con and more non-human. I find it hard to believe that this woman, after the big deal made of her physical prowess, her defensiveness, etc., would awaken to a sexual assault and not try to resist.

I understand the reason for her physical description, but it made her seem ridiculously-shaped. I could only picture a top-heavy Barbie doll, and it wasn't a very attractive image.

The dialogue was also very stilted. I could buy that Rafe and Reese aren't quite "of this world," but she is and I think she'd talk more normally, more like you and do.