Hey Lit members,
I've been a reader of Lit for a while and enjoy the community here. Struggling with some marital issues so I would certainly appreciate your thoughts.
My wife and I have been married for 16 years. Overall it's been a good experience, we are a great team with our 5 kids and do a good job of splitting household responsibilities.
The issue is our love/sex life. It was never "great". Some of that is my fault as I've always had some anxiety around performance. Some I could attribute to her as she wanted the standard lights off missionary sex. Another component is our interests/libido. I have to admit that I'm pretty open minded and like to look at the whole spectrum. My wife, not so much. A few years ago my wife came across some web history of mine and was startled. It rocked our relationship for a while. We seemed to overcome it and at one point my wife told me it was okay with her if I wanted to "explore" my interests. I didn't do that as a sense of loyalty/love was and is still ther.
While all that was happening, my wife told me one night that the intimate part of our relationship was over. She has told me since that my inability to perform/lack of intimacy has really hurt her. I acknowledge that...I could/should have done better. That was three years ago and neither of us (at least to my knowledge) have had sex with someone else.
So, cut to present day. My wife recently expressed to me that we are at a decision point. We both know that what we once had (fleetingly albeit) in terms of sexual attraction is gone. We are fantastic as partners/friends and don't want to throw our large family into disarray with divorce, so our trying to find a middle ground that lets us lead our separate sexual/intimacy needs, but also continues our lives together. I've read a lot about open marriages and "parenting marriages", which are similar. I guess the tough part for me is that I truly do love my wife and I believe she feels the same way as me (in terms of trust/respect). I want her to be happy in all aspects, but just scared about how this could go in directions that I might not expect.
Anyone been in a similar situation? We have talked about this "arrangement" being in place until our children reach adulthood which is in about 7 years and then figuring out whether to keep this unconventional marriage/friendship, or splitting ways with agreements on finances in place.
Thanks for your thoughts...
I've been a reader of Lit for a while and enjoy the community here. Struggling with some marital issues so I would certainly appreciate your thoughts.
My wife and I have been married for 16 years. Overall it's been a good experience, we are a great team with our 5 kids and do a good job of splitting household responsibilities.
The issue is our love/sex life. It was never "great". Some of that is my fault as I've always had some anxiety around performance. Some I could attribute to her as she wanted the standard lights off missionary sex. Another component is our interests/libido. I have to admit that I'm pretty open minded and like to look at the whole spectrum. My wife, not so much. A few years ago my wife came across some web history of mine and was startled. It rocked our relationship for a while. We seemed to overcome it and at one point my wife told me it was okay with her if I wanted to "explore" my interests. I didn't do that as a sense of loyalty/love was and is still ther.
While all that was happening, my wife told me one night that the intimate part of our relationship was over. She has told me since that my inability to perform/lack of intimacy has really hurt her. I acknowledge that...I could/should have done better. That was three years ago and neither of us (at least to my knowledge) have had sex with someone else.
So, cut to present day. My wife recently expressed to me that we are at a decision point. We both know that what we once had (fleetingly albeit) in terms of sexual attraction is gone. We are fantastic as partners/friends and don't want to throw our large family into disarray with divorce, so our trying to find a middle ground that lets us lead our separate sexual/intimacy needs, but also continues our lives together. I've read a lot about open marriages and "parenting marriages", which are similar. I guess the tough part for me is that I truly do love my wife and I believe she feels the same way as me (in terms of trust/respect). I want her to be happy in all aspects, but just scared about how this could go in directions that I might not expect.
Anyone been in a similar situation? We have talked about this "arrangement" being in place until our children reach adulthood which is in about 7 years and then figuring out whether to keep this unconventional marriage/friendship, or splitting ways with agreements on finances in place.
Thanks for your thoughts...
