Loking for Feedback

[aussieson]

What can I say? I have been writing stories for a few years now for my own amusement so I thought that I would submit some to Literotica. I am now interested in improving my writing style so am seeking feedback.

Check out my story "Photography for Fun" at:

www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=62445

thanks

 

[Graymouse]

Okay . . . I have to preface this with the fact that it's Friday night and I'm drunk, but I'll tell you what I think.

Clearly, you have a firm grasp on grammar and spelling; that much cannot be argued with. It's possible that there might be a mistake here and there, although I didn't notice any. Definitely no problems in terms of story flow in that department.

Your story is straight-forward and to the point; provided this is what you were aiming for, I have no objections with that. While it can be said that some people prefer stories with more character development, I think your piece fits into the "stroke story" category quite nicely. You explore a single sexual encounter with focus and frame the scene well.

In terms of what I imagine you are trying to accomplish, you certainly have a solid basis. My only suggestion is that the story might have benefited from a more internal approach. That is, while your descriptions are fairly detailed, they often border on the clinical and we don't get much insight into what the narrator is feeling. How does he respond to his girlfriend being fucked by another man? Based on his subsequent actions, it's a turn on--maybe you could interject his thought processes now and again.

Or here--you write: "The latter were somewhat indistinct and I lamented at the difficulties of getting a photo of Jean and I playing together. Robert offered to take some photos for us and, as we had a couple of packs of film for the polaroid and we had all had a few wines, we both accepted."

I think this would be an excellent opportunity to get inside your narrator's head. How used to being photographed in a sexual situation is he? Does he have any qualms? Is he excited? By letting the reader know how your character is responding, it helps us to empathise and put ourselves in the action. It's statistically possible that I'm talking out of my ass, but I think this is important in creating stories that are of interest to the reader.

Further use of unique descriptors might also help to add zing to your story. Sometimes it's difficult to come up with analogies that are unique, but you've shown that you have that ability. This phrase in particular I thought was good in that respect: "Although her breasts are small, her nipples are large and really stand up when she is aroused. They were standing out like organ stops now. More like this would be beneficial. (Side note--I'm not entirely sure you can call 36B breasts 'small.' You might have a majority of women up in arms . . . )

Okay, so that's about it. You have the technical basics mastered. At his point it's up to you whether you'd like to continue to focus on straight-forward stroke stories or progress to longer, more plot-driven pieces; I think you have the aptitude for both. Consider fleshing out the solid basics that you have. You're definitely on the right track.

Good job and good luck.

 

[aussieson]

Thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated.

I will take your suggestion re a more internal approach on board before I publish again. My major difficulty has been how to move from one phase of the story to the next and maintain some semblance of continuity. Your suggestion may overcome this.

I think that I would like to move on from what you refer to as stroke stories and add a bit more plot and more character to my players. I will have to work on this aspect as well.

Once again, thank you for your response.

 

[the_bragis]

G'day mate,

I"m a little aussie too. Where are you? Darwin, Alice, somewhere near the big rock? I'm in W.A.

Now, your story. Well I have agree with all that Graymouse has said, it's all good sound advice. I especially agree a size 36B isn't small breasted! Damn it, how much tit do you actually want!

Adding my own suggestions, here are a couple of examples of where I would have enjoyed a little more more description and dialog. .

Immediately, Jean insisted on seeing them. After a little hesitation, Robert handed them over and Jean and I had a look.

Couldn't you have teased us all with something like; Jean pouncing on Robert and playfully wrestling the photos off him, then perhaps giggling as she realised what they were?

Robert agreed that seeing a shaved pussy turned him on.

Really? How did he agree? Did he just nod his head? Or did it make him grin, lick his lips, or break out in a cold sweat thinking about it? I bet it did. I bet he got a hard on just thinking about Jean's shaved pussy.

Robert offered to take some photos for us ..

What a sleaze! I just loved this line, but what was going on in his head, 'Oh that would be nice to take some pussy shots?" I don't think so...

Yep, this is one hot little story, a nice smooth read, and something just a little different from what I usually read in Lit. Only please, more juicy details from the start next time would be great.

I wish you all the best with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (female)

Stories by me and B

 

[aussieson]

G’day back Alex,

I live in North Queensland. (For those not familiar with Australia this is on the East coast well up in the tropics.)

Okay, okay! I stand corrected on breast sizes. The set I have lived with for more years than I care to admit here have never known a bra. Their owner has a wide back and smallish boobs, although they are now somewhat larger than they were when we met. I figured that they started as size A and have now progressed a little to B. I can still hold one in my hand with very little spill around the edges. But enough of that, I will be more careful in my descriptions next time.

The other advice (or is it a request?) you have given re more description and dialogue I will take on board and certainly include in any future submission. After all, the reason I posted the entry in the Forum was to get some feeling for how other people at liter thought about my work.

In regard to the detail of looking at Robert’s photos etc, although it was a few years ago now, it happened pretty much the way I said. As for the rest of it, maybe I will expand on it in a later story.

Robert offered to take some photos for us ..

Robert was not so much a sleaze as a Casanova – very presentable and very attractive to the ladies. I think that his thoughts were well past the taking of pussy photos by then. I was just unable to get the inside of his head onto paper.

At this time in Australia it is appropriate to say “GO BRISBANE!” In both the AFL and in the NRL.

Thank you for your valuable feedback. (God! I sound like Morgan-Gallup)

Enjoy your day, too