Litiquette IV

[rubydlite]

This place is definitely losing its derailment mojo. Back in the day even a hint of the word would Make this place topsy-turvy.

Most of us have friends at different levels. Some really close, some mere acquaintances. How stable are those levels for your friends. Do you have mere acquaintances that have turned into super close friends? Do you have a super close friend that for some reason faded away? Are those movements one way or do they move around a bit?

Stable. My best friend has been so for well.over 30 years now. ..I can't see it changing any time soon. We've been through and weathered the boys...miles...children...divorces...miscarriage. ..affairs...death...illness parts of life.
Once I get to know someone they become part of my circle. Online or not. I'm an introvert so when I connect with someone there is no mere acquaintance because it's a big deal for me to get there in the first place. It's also why I've pulled back from lit a bit. If I'm your friend I want to shout it out. If I can't it blows.

 

[Trekka]

Online or not. I'm an introvert so when I connect with someone there is no mere acquaintance because it's a big deal for me to get there in the first place. It's also why I've pulled back from lit a bit. If I'm your friend I want to shout it out. If I can't it blows.

Amen.

 

[Endless_Night]

< If I'm your friend I want to shout it out. If I can't it blows. >

Amen.

As much as I like my privacy, there is a part of me that agrees with the above....

 

[Trekka]

As much as I like my privacy, there is a part of me that agrees with the above....

And Hallelujah

 

[Endless_Night]

And Hallelujah

Yeppers.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I stink.

FYP.

It's probably those dirty feet.

 

[ViciousTease]

So. Do all your friends sport nice racks, VT?

Of course. That's how you made the inner circle.

 

[ChainedUp]

Hello all, for the time-keepers in the group, yes I know I'm running a tad late.

So then a quick-hitter this morning: if your partner/significant other granted you permission to have sex with another person which condition would you rather it be under

1) Don't ask, don't tell. If you play then I'll be playing too
2) Permission before playing, they want to know
3) only if your significant other / partner is in the room. Not a 3-some but just watching on their own

 

[ChainedUp]

4) If asked tell. If not don't.

That wasn't one of the options......

 

[Mrtenant]

Too bad.

Lmao...

 

[jezzilee]

A question for the OP. Where do you come up with this stuff? How about YOU answer this one?

 

[Mrtenant]

Hello all, for the time-keepers in the group, yes I know I'm running a tad late.

So then a quick-hitter this morning: if your partner/significant other granted you permission to have sex with another person which condition would you rather it be under

1) Don't ask, don't tell. If you play then I'll be playing too
2) Permission before playing, they want to know
3) only if your significant other / partner is in the room. Not a 3-some but just watching on their own

A version of number 1. She can pay for the video after like everyone else.

 

[ChainedUp]

Too bad.

Finger waggle. The whole idea was the partner knowing

 

[ChainedUp]

A question for the OP. Where do you come up with this stuff? How about YOU answer this one?

I would vote for #3, the post fucking analysis could be fun.

 

[ChainedUp]

Then your Number 1 is not appropriate.

Oh but it is. They know and will be playing as well, just won't know every detail.

 

[Bitesback]

Hello all, for the time-keepers in the group, yes I know I'm running a tad late.

So then a quick-hitter this morning: if your partner/significant other granted you permission to have sex with another person which condition would you rather it be under

1) Don't ask, don't tell. If you play then I'll be playing too
2) Permission before playing, they want to know
3) only if your significant other / partner is in the room. Not a 3-some but just watching on their own

I would vote for #3, the post fucking analysis could be fun.

It's a big IF
While I can see how #3 would appeal, making the encounter a shared experience, not just in preventing secrets and lies, but in being able to reflect and discuss afterwards, maybe add a little more heat into the sexual relationship. However, it wouldn't be for me. If I want sex with someone outside my marriage, I want sex with someone outside my marriage.

I know a couple who implemented #2 in their relationship, it worked for one of them, the other was miserable knowing, despite agreeing to the arrangement. I've read of relationships where worked well. I don't think it would work for me, so, I'll cop to #1 Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Some form of subtle understanding that would be sufficient to believe that there would be no recriminations and without preoccupation with when, where, what and with whom. Whether it was thought or found to be believable for either of us would be another matter.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Hello all, for the time-keepers in the group, yes I know I'm running a tad late.

So then a quick-hitter this morning: if your partner/significant other granted you permission to have sex with another person which condition would you rather it be under

1) Don't ask, don't tell. If you play then I'll be playing too
2) Permission before playing, they want to know
3) only if your significant other / partner is in the room. Not a 3-some but just watching on their own

Okay, this one I can answer from pure experience:

1. This is a pure recipe for jealousy and blowing your existing relationship up, don't do it.

3. This is a whole different type of playing, when your partners in the room watching.

2. This is the way to go if you want it to actually work and not destroy your current relationship. The people you or they decide to sleep with and the circumstances of those encounters WILL have an impact on your existing relationship. If you play it right you'll make your relationship stronger. If you play it wrong all kinds of bad things can happen - jealousy, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.

From my experience open communication (what you're going to do, who you're going to do it with, when and where it's going to happen) is the only thing that will give you chance of surviving as a relationship. I was in an open relationship that lasted for eight very good years (and one that wasn't) - we gave each other an absolute veto power over any partner or encounter.

 

[Bitesback]

That was interesting, Paul_Chance. A pure recipe for jealousy and blowing up the primary relationship is a damning reason for avoidance #1, too much room for suspicion and resentment, and maybe it's not likely to be an equal footing after all.

The veto power option for #2 makes sense, as a way to minimise jealousy and conflict...freedom within context. Interesting.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Hello all, for the time-keepers in the group, yes I know I'm running a tad late.

So then a quick-hitter this morning: if your partner/significant other granted you permission to have sex with another person which condition would you rather it be under

1) Don't ask, don't tell. If you play then I'll be playing too
2) Permission before playing, they want to know
3) only if your significant other / partner is in the room. Not a 3-some but just watching on their own

Hubs and I operate under #2 rules. We have more rules, however this is the golden one. I personally find #1 more attractive, however would never do that to him unless we both agree to it, which we don't.

 

[BongoGal]

I could only opt for #1, but it would be a clear sign that the relationship was barely there.

 

[beachbaby179]

As someone whose significant other becomes less significant every day, which is sad but..whatever. All of my play is done without his knowledge or consent...and I assume his is as well.

 

[ViciousTease]

Hello all, for the time-keepers in the group, yes I know I'm running a tad late.

So then a quick-hitter this morning: if your partner/significant other granted you permission to have sex with another person which condition would you rather it be under

1) Don't ask, don't tell. If you play then I'll be playing too
2) Permission before playing, they want to know
3) only if your significant other / partner is in the room. Not a 3-some but just watching on their own

If it's more of a one time thing, like a kinky Valentine's Day or something like that, then I'd vote #3.

If we're talking about opening up the relationship, I'd prefer #2.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I've often said that one way you can tell someone is an open relationship (as opposed to just playing one online) is how realistic they are with the challenges that come with it.

Everyone, at the end of the day, is simply human. From experience, these are the things that will rise up in a open relationship and they are very basic, simple things.

1. You and your partner might both be cool about the open relationship, whatever rules you may put into place. But, each and every partner for both of you is another human being as well - and you will have to deal with, one way or another, their relationships and their drama and some of it will spill over into your relationship, whether you want it or not.

2. Unless you and your partner are financially independent and have lots of time, you've got limited resources that will have to be allocated - hotel rooms, travel, meals, drinks, gifts, etc.. When do you play, where do you play, how it gets paid for are all very real things. You both work regular jobs - so your play time is on the weekends. Well, that is one less weekend day/night/evening you have for your core relationship.

3. Unequal success at attracting and engaging other partners. How do you deal with it when your significant other has a stable of willing lovers and you've got one or two? Or vice versa?

4. Unless you're limiting yourself to strictly one night semi-anonymous stands, how do you deal with the attachments that arise among all human beings? You might both enter into it thinking/saying that you won't find attachments - but sexual chemistry and love are very real things that arise - what if one of your partners is just simply better at making love than your SO? Or funnier, cleverer, or more engaging?

Now, don't get me wrong - it's a rewarding life-style, especially if you're open and secure in your relationship and communicate well. (In my case, we were and it worked well for a long time until we eventually drifted apart - and that drift wasn't caused by the open relationship but by simple life changes. The bad year I referenced actually arose because of a fundamental difference of opinion on something that had nothing to do with the open sexual relationship.)

However, if your relationship is struggling and you're hoping that will spice it up and make it more secure, it won't - most likely it will just rip it apart faster. If that is the case and you want to keep your relationship alive - all I would recommend is get a good marriage counselor and work your ass off, or get a good divorce lawyer and get out.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Paul hits the nail on the head.

Having an open marriage is not easy. At all. It's quite possibly one of the most uncomfortable things to try and undertake. There is a level of communication needed that far exceeds what most of us are comfortable exploring. I wasn't ready for the conversations needed, even though I thought I was. We had to learn what and where we could talk about certain things and just because something is voiced as fantasy doesn't mean it is granting permission. We've made some epic blunders, hurt each other, forgiven, and moved forward.

We found a phenomenal therapist who works with sex positive couples and it has been fantastic for us. We still struggle with lots of issues, as we all do in our lives, however we both have to fight fiercely for our relationship to work. I applaud couples who have ventured out into open territory without help. I've had a lot of advice from fellow litsters and getting in touch with a professional helped us really get on the same page (and she's a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney).

Being honest hurts. It really does. I'm learning to trust my husband more and more each day. I wouldn't change anything, however I do see how easy it is to be monogamous. Removing those boundaries and replacing them was not at all what I expected. There's a simplicity in trusting your partner to be your one and only. I'm a tad reminiscent of those simple days. Not enough to give up this lifestyle, though.

And I still maintain that I fantasize about "cheating". It's hot, but i know better than to jeopardize what I've got going on here. I'll never cross that line, well, are least in real life. My mind still enjoys certain scenarios

 

[Amalgamation]

I would vote for #3, the post fucking analysis could be fun.

Paul hits the nail on the head.

Having an open marriage is not easy. At all. It's quite possibly one of the most uncomfortable things to try and undertake. There is a level of communication needed that far exceeds what most of us are comfortable exploring. I wasn't ready for the conversations needed, even though I thought I was. We had to learn what and where we could talk about certain things and just because something is voiced as fantasy doesn't mean it is granting permission. We've made some epic blunders, hurt each other, forgiven, and moved forward.

We found a phenomenal therapist who works with sex positive couples and it has been fantastic for us. We still struggle with lots of issues, as we all do in our lives, however we both have to fight fiercely for our relationship to work. I applaud couples who have ventured out into open territory without help. I've had a lot of advice from fellow litsters and getting in touch with a professional helped us really get on the same page (and she's a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney).

Being honest hurts. It really does. I'm learning to trust my husband more and more each day. I wouldn't change anything, however I do see how easy it is to be monogamous. Removing those boundaries and replacing them was not at all what I expected. There's a simplicity in trusting your partner to be your one and only. I'm a tad reminiscent of those simple days. Not enough to give up this lifestyle, though.

And I still maintain that I fantasize about "cheating". It's hot, but i know better than to jeopardize what I've got going on here. I'll never cross that line, well, are least in real life. My mind still enjoys certain scenarios

Love your avatar.

And yor comments.

And you, period.