Literotica BOOK-A-MINUTE - a challenge

[Rumple Foreskin]

Came across this on AbsoluteWrite and thought it might stir a few stumps here at the AH. The challenge is to create a Book-A-Minute version of a novel, novella, or longish short story you've written. Here's an example:

CRIME & PUNISHMENT by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Raskolnikov
I'm so extraordinary, I can commit crimes. (kills some people)

Sonia
I'm the spiritual side of Raskolnikov.

Porfiry
I'm the intellectual side of Raskolnikov.

Raskolnikov
I have reconciled the two sides of my personality, represented so well by Sonia and Porfiry. (confesses)

THE END

For more examples, check out BOOK-A-MINUTE

==

I'll warn you, it's not easy. This was the best I could come up with for a Book-A-Minute version of a 90,000 mainstream love story of mine.


MARK: Amy’s beautiful, tolerant, my best friend and I’m in love with her but she’s way out-of-my league. Bebe’s sexy, a racist, and hated by all my friends, especially Amy, but she’s hot and puts out.

AMY: Do I want Mark, or just want to keep that bitch from having him?

BEBE: Whatever Bebe wants, Bebe gets, and little man, little Bebe, wants you.

MARK: I’m horny for Bebe who I can have at the slight cost of my self-respect and old friends, but in love with Amy who I’m too afraid of losing as a friend to even try for. Oh, what to do?

Blew that one, Mark.


THE END

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Over thirty people have taken a look at this challenge, and so far every last one has passed. Does this mean the "Authors" at the Hangout are too busy, or that each one is an example of:

http://www.dianejacky.com/News_Views/CompleteChicken.jpg​

Whatever the case, BUMP.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[cloudy]

I've thought about this ever since I saw it posted this morning. You're right, it's HARD.

I may have a go later.

 

[bluebell]

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (with a few flourishing liberties)

Jane: I'm a plain, shy girl with big intelligence, loads of common sense, devout, heartfelt religion, and a nasty childhood. Because I regard morality, prudence and piety above a burning but dishonest love, I will play hard to get and still end up with my man.

Mr. Rochester: I'm a blustery blow-hard with a pre-occupation for the truth (except when it comes to admitting my crazy wife) and a slow-growing attachment for my recently hired governess. Unfortunately, my impetuousness and lack of proper planning ultimately leads to my blindness, disfigurement, and a long spell of melancholy without my Jane, though I do win her by the end.

Grace Poole: I'm the whack-ass housemaid with the crazy laugh!

Bertha Rochester: Fire, fire, fire! Scissors, biting and insanity! Muah ha ha!

 

[cloudy]

Gone with the Wind

Scarlett: I want what I want when I want it, especially if it belongs to someone else.

Rhett: I'm rich. Want me.

Scarlett: No, that's too easy. Besides, you don't belong to anyone else.

Melanie: I'm stupid and I'm dying. Have my husband.

Scarlett: Don't want him now! I want Rhett!

Rhett: Too late.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'm howling with laughter at those first two! Lord, they are brilliant.

I'm a little nervous to go now, both because anything following that act will look insipid, and because I'm confused. I thought Rumple asked us to do our own stories, but Cloudy and Bluebell did so beautifully with others, and they also eschewed vanity (not that I mean to run vanity down). I think I shall try one for Wilde, as I love him more than I love myself.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Basil: Dorian, you're sumptuously delicious, but I don't mean that in a gay way. Here, have a picture.

Lord Henry: Dorian, you're a delicious picture. But I don't mean that in a sumptuous way. Here, have some gaiety.

Dorian: How sumptuous and gay my life is now that I have this picture. Let's make it all ugly.

Sybil: You're as beautiful as a picture. Let's run gayly off together.

Dorian: Please go away and die.

Basil: I'm gay, you're beautiful, dear GOD what have you done to my picture?

Dorian: Do stop being dramatic and die as well.

Lord Henry: I don't seem to be dying. How beautiful.

Dorian: My picture isn't beautiful. <dies>

 

[bluebell]

Oh Shanglan, tush!

I curbed my guffaws so I wouldn't wake the neighbors.

My faves:

Basil: Dorian, you're sumptuously delicious, but I don't mean that in a gay way. Here, have a picture.

Dorian: Please go away and die.

Cloudy, I wish I'd had that shortcut before I saw the movie. It would have spared me three hours of my life and a lingering chunk of Gone With the Wind-inflicted blues.

 

[cloudy]

Basil: I'm gay, you're beautiful, dear GOD what have you done to my picture?

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Fine efforts, one and all. Would do the Bood-A-Minute folks, proud.

But don't hesitate to try it with something of your OWN.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[BlackShanglan]

Fine efforts, one and all. Would do the Bood-A-Minute folks, proud.

But don't hesitate to try it with something of your OWN.

Rumple Foreskin

You know, Rumple, I've tried it, but it just doesn't come out very interesting. Possibly it's because I'm less inclined to be silly with my own work, but honestly that's because I know that unlike the famous works we've played with, hardly anyone would be familiar with the plots of my own stories, and so it's difficult to lampoon them effectively. I tried playing it serious but it just seemed ... dullish.

This is the best I could come up with. Bleah.

Seven Weeks of Silence

Sebastian: Oh, dear God. I am *not* falling in love with my chamber maid.

Lizzy: Yes you are.

Sebastian: No, no, no. I am a delightfully decadent young cock-of-the-walk; I am not the hero of some vulgar, sentimental novel.

Cynthia: I thought you were marrying me.

Sebastian: Shut up, you.

Basil: I say, Sebastian, are you in love?

Sebastian: I am certainly not.

Alexis: Have some soup.

Sebastian: Why is my chef involved in this?

Alexis: Because I'm much less of an idiot than you are.

Sebastian: Bugger off, Lizzy, I hate you and you're sleeping with my chef.

Lizzy: Off I go, but I am certainly not.

Sebastian: Yes, I am an ass. Shall I advertise it in all of the daily papers?

Lizzy: I like you better when you haven't got any money.

Sebastian: There's logic for you.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Shang,

You're right on all counts. However, I've got a sneaking hunch it's a goodness for writers to try this with their own stuff. It forces you to take a very hard look and try to indentify the essence of their story.

Here's a link to the AbsoluteWrite thread that gave me the idea to post this one. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69359

Rumple Foreskin

 

[BlackShanglan]

A long-late kick upwards for this thread. I wrote this up for a post on the GB and realized that it belonged here.

(In answer to being asked if I seriously thought that Beowulf might run short as a movie ...)

Yep. What do we have to cover? Really, pretty much a dozen scenes.

(1) Hi, this is who Beowulf is. Nice and quick, because no one likes a wordy exposition.
(2) Hi, I'm Beowulf and I am very mighty. I like to put my armor on to go swimming. I killed a bunch of sea serpents.
(3) I'm Hrothgar. I'm not saying hi because I'm sad. My people are dying.
(4) Hi, I'm Beowulf and I'm here to save you. In a not-taking-your-kingdom-away sort of way.
(5) Hi, I'm Grendel, and - FUCK! I was just SHAKING HANDS! OW OW OW OW OW YOU BASTARD!
(6) Hi, I'm Beowulf again. Now that I'm going to fight a monster rather than swim in the ocean, I'm taking my armor off.
(7) Hi, I'm Grendel's mom. Shame about your sword melting when you meet a really strong woman, Beowulf. Oops, I'm dead.
(8) Hi, I'm a linking scene. I say something like "fifty years go by." I'm really really short and take up hardly any time.
(9) Hi, I'm a thief. Lookit my nifty cup! Oh uh - DRAGON!
(10) Hi, I'm Beowulf and I have still got it, you scaly bastard. DIE!
(11) Hi, I'm Wiglaf. I love Beowulf, but not in a gay way. All of the rest of you are degenerate modern weakling faithless bastards!
(12) Hi, I'm the final credits. I'm just here because Shanglan needed one more scene to make twelve.

 

[Tarakin]

Harry Potter (All 7 books):

The wizard world:
Harry, Voldemort tried to kill you when you were a baby. He died, but now he's back!

Harry:
Okay, I'll finish what I've started. (does so)

The end.

 

[neonlyte]

My Novel in edit: Mirror of Justice

Isabella: I'm having these dreams, will you go out with me?

Philip Ok... but I've been sleeping with your Mum.

Isabella Bastard! Help me find these stolen icons.

Philip Ok... but what about these dreams?

Isabella Forget the dreams, show me something clever.

Philip Like this?

Larsen I'm sorry I stole the icons, I only did it to save you.

Isabella Bastard! I'm pregnant.

 

[Stella_Omega]

"Sarabande", chapters one through six;

Tracy; You're perfect for me!

Stella; Yes, I am.

Tracy; What shall we do now?

Stella; let's fuck again...





Stella; Now what?

Tracy; I dunno, the author can't find a plot.

Stella; Plus, the bitch has stolen my name!

Author; That's right, and you aren't getting it back.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Author; That's right, and you aren't getting it back.

. o o .

 

[Brute_Force]

Sense & Sensibility, by Jane Austen

Elenor Dashwood: I have good sense and keep my emotions under control, but I'm bursting to get married to Edward Farrows, despite the fact that we'll probably lead a very ordinary and uneventful life.

Marianne Dashwood: I have romantic sensibilities and love Guinevere, Juliet and Eloise. I wear my heart on my sleeve and long to merge with the rogue, Willoughby, even though I know he's all wrong for me.

Edward Farrows: I'm a good lad with a strong education who values commitment and sacrifice. I want to marry Elenor, but I rather foolishly commited to Lucy Steele quite awhile ago. What to do?

John Willoughby: I'm a rogue, but I genuinely love fiery and tempestuous Marianne, despite the fact that I've shagged a score of society women and knocked up a few and left them along the way.

 

[BlackShanglan]

*addendum to above:

Colonel Brandon: I'm Colonel Brandon, a brave, decent, and loyally loving man. No one ever appreciates me, not even authors creating summaries of the book. Sod you all, I'll get Alan Rickman to play me in the movie, and then you'll come crying, won't you?

 

[Stella_Omega]

. o o .

I love it when I can make you laugh!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"Sarabande", chapters one through six;

Tracy; You're perfect for me!

Stella; Yes, I am.

Tracy; What shall we do now?

Stella; let's fuck again...

--

Stella; Now what?

Tracy; I dunno, the author can't find a plot.

Stella; Plus, the bitch has stolen my name!

Author; That's right, and you aren't getting it back.

http://bestsmileys.com/big/1.gif​

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Brute_Force]

The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera

Tomas: I'm a horny Czech doctor, a libertine who believes in the rule of 3 when it comes to women. Since life is unbearably light, I don't believe my actions have consequences, so I fuck who I want when I want and dump 'em. That is, until I met Theresa.

Sabina: I'm a beautiful Czech artist, a philosopher, a woman who loves to experiment with life and who eschews simplistic answers. I loathe communism and despise the "uglification" and kitsch of the world. I am Tomas' lover, but I belong to no one.

Theresa: I'm a shy, somewhat introspective Czech girl--beautiful, sensitive, kind. I long to experience life fully, but I see life as heavy and feel that all behaviors have consequences. Thus, I try to make my actions count. I fell in love with Tomas, and now I'm confused.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Tomas: I'm a horny Czech doctor, a libertine who believes in the rule of 3 when it comes to women. Since life is unbearably light, I don't believe my actions have consequences, so I fuck who I want when I want and dump 'em. That is, until I met Theresa.

Sabina: I'm a beautiful Czech artist, a philosopher, a woman who loves to experiment with life and who eschews simplistic answers. I loathe communism and despise the "uglification" and kitsch of the world. I am Tomas' lover, but I belong to no one.

Theresa: I'm a shy, somewhat introspective Czech girl--beautiful, sensitive, kind. I long to experience life fully, but I see life as heavy and feel that all behaviors have consequences. Thus, I try to make my actions count. I fell in love with Tomas, and now I'm confused.

That's the characters, but-- what's the plot?

 

[knitedreams]

Richard III by Shakespeare

Let's see if I can make a decent attempt...

Richard: I'm evil because I'm deformed so I'm going to plot a whole bunch of deaths to gain the throne and pretend that I'm innocent the whole time and I want to marry a woman who's husband and child I killed.

Anne: You're evil and I shall not marry you

Richard: Then kill me by stabbing me with my own blade

Anne: Okay I'll marry you

Margaret: I curse you and everyone in this room

Elizabeth: My husband's dead and Richard's going to kill my sons

Anne: Why did I marry Richard? :dies:

Richard: I want to marry Elizabeth's daughter even though I killed her sons

Elizabeth: In your dreams

Richard: It would prevent war

Elizabeth: I'll persuade her to tie the knot with you, villain

Richard: I had a bad dream...My kingdom for a horse

Richmond: I had a good dream let's kill the bastard :Richard dies:

Victory! Long live Henry VII!

 

[Brute_Force]

That's the characters, but-- what's the plot?

It's a multi-narrative philosophical novel that looks at the question of whether life is "light" or "heavy." The novel does this by looking at the ways that Tomas, Teresa, and Sabina vary between conceptions of lightness and heaviness with respect to their relationships, their sexual desires, their political concerns (takes place during the Prague spring when Czechs briefly experienced "freedom" and then shortly thereafter lost it when the Russians invaded), and their very lives.

Hard to sum up a plot that is primarily based on introspection, but that's the best I can do. It's a great novel, and it truly changed my life. To this day, I vacillate between regarding life as light or heavy.

 

[Stella_Omega]

For more examples, check out BOOK-A-MINUTE /QUOTE]
I'm not real impressed by these-- the condensors tend to add a bit of critique or editorial into most of them.