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A recently-married man is serving in the Navy.

He is on a ship near an island a long way from home, and he knows he will be there a long time. He sends a letter to his wife saying that there are lots of young and beautiful girls on the island. Could she send him something to distract him from them? She sends him an accordion with a note saying "Learn to play this."

Six months later, he arrives home. He says to his wife, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!" She replies "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."
 
A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him.

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Shhh. Be quiet, I'm still counting"
 
A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow from Moscow a cow costs 900 roubles, but a cow from Minsk, costs 700 roubles. So off to Minsk the town elders go. They return with a great cow.

The cow produces plenty of milk for the whole town, and everyone is happy and well nourished! They even sell the excess to the neighboring town.

The town loves the cow and want to breed her and have so her calves will nourish the village.

So off to market the village elders go again, and they bring back a prize bull to mate with the cow.

They put them together in a beautiful pasture and the bull approaches the cow, but the cow moves away, and is not interested. The bull tries again from a different angle but still the cow rebuffs him. For hours the bull tries to mount the cow at the top of the field, the bottom of the field and the middle of the field but to no avail.

The town elders do not know what to do, so they call a local rabbi to help them with their problem.

They explain their story to the rabbi, they tell him all the details and ask him what to do.

The rabbi thinks for a while, he strokes his beard. Then asks the elders a question.
“Your cow, is she from Minsk?”

The elders are amazed! “Amazing!! You are truly a wise Rabbi. How did you know she is from Minsk?!”

And the rabbi replies,
“ahhh, well my.......wife, she is from Minsk also.....…”
 
So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”

The man asks to see this parrot. The employee goes to the back and brings out a very old, one-legged parrot.

The man asks if the parrot can do any tricks.

“Well, if you hold a match right under the stump of his leg, he will sing a Christmas song for you.”

The man is intrigued and holds a match under the parrots leg. The bird begins to sing.

“Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way”

The man laughs and asks if he can do anything else.

The employee says,
“Well, you could try to put the match under the other leg and see what happens.”

So the man puts the match under the parrot’s leg. To their astonishment, the bird begins to sing again.

“Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane!”

The man is mystified by the parrot and how good it sounds. But he decides to try one more thing. So he asks,
“What would happen if you put the match between the parrot’s leg?”

The employee laughs.
“I don’t know what would happen,” he says. “You could try it.”

So the man puts the match between the parrot’s leg. Again, the bird begins to sing.
“Chet’s Nuts roasting on an open fire...”
 
An old farmer is sitting in his house.

It’s a cold winter day outside, and he is warm and cozy in his house. He hears a knock on the door. It’s a young pretty gal. She says “I have driven my car into a ditch and I was hoping you could pull me out.”

The farmer thinks for a minute and says. “Why yes I think I might be able to help you out. You’d be the third pregnant woman I pulled out of the ditch this week!”

She is offended and replies “I am not pregnant!”

To which the farmer says “Well young lady, you ain’t outta the ditch yet are ya?”
 
Anosognosia

OK Oldtimers... I KNOW you have a bit of time on your hands... Make yourself feel better today!


Anosognosia


Very interesting...

In the following analysis, the French Professor Bruno Dubois, Director of the Institute of Memory and Alzheimer's Disease (IMMA) at La Pitié-Salpêtrière, Paris Hospitals, addresses the subject in a rather reassuring way:

"If anyone is aware of his memory problems, he does not have Alzheimer's."

1. I forget the names of families
2. I do not remember where I put some things

It often happens in people 60 years and older that they complain that they lack memory. "The information is always in the brain, it is the "processor" that is lacking."

This is "Anosognosia" or temporary forgetfulness.

Half of people 60 and older have some symptoms that are due to age rather than disease.
The most common cases are:
- forgetting the name of a person,
- going to a room in the house and not remembering why we were going there,
- a blank memory for a movie title or actor, an actress,
- a waste of time searching where we left our glasses or keys ...
After 60 years most people have such a difficulty, which indicates that it is not a disease but rather a characteristic due to the passage of years ...

Many people are concerned about these oversights hence the importance of the following statement:
"Those who are conscious of being forgetful have no serious problem of memory."
"Those who suffer from a memory illness or Alzheimer's, are not aware of what is happening."

Professor Bruno Dubois, Director of IMMA, reassures the majority of people concerned about their oversights:

"The more we complain about memory loss, the less likely we are to suffer from memory sickness."

Now for a little neurological test:
Only use your eyes!

1- Find the C in the table below!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you have already found the C, then find the 6 in the table below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999


3- Now find the N in the table below.
Attention, it's a little more difficult!


MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


If you pass these three tests without problem:
- you can cancel your annual visit to the neurologist.
- your brain is in perfect shape!
- you are far from having any relationship with Alzheimer's.

So, share this with your over 60 friends (IF YOU HAVE THAT MANY!), it can reassure them!
 
attachment.php
 
Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!
 
Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - 'honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.'
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that night.

Next day, he gets another letter.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open and her right 2 fingers buried deep inside her.
Captioned - 'honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.'
The captain again becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He again sleeps satisfied that night. But he is now extremely horny.

The next day, he gets another letter.

By now the whole unit is talking about this guy.

He opens the letter.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open and her right 3 fingers buried deep inside her pussy and left 2 fingers in her ass.
Captioned - 'honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.'
The captain not only becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him, but is incredibly horny and turned on too. He tries to sleep but can't. It's just too much sexual tension. He starts stroking himself and immediately cums in no time.

As he recovers, he immediately starts packing.

His bunk mate asks "what happened bro, you were happy just a moment ago." The captain exclaims - "love and all that shit is fine, but if both her hands are busy then WHO THE FUCK IS TAKING THOSE PHOTOS?"
 
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