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A preacher asked his congregation for help one Sunday .

The preacher stood up and asked his congregation for help by giving anything they could to Brother Thomas because his house burned down the other day . One man stod up and said
" I have some old clothes and such he can have "

"Thank you" said the preacher . Another man stood up and said :
" I have some furniture he can have "

"Thank you" said the preacher .

A woman stood up and said :" I will give him pussy for 2 months "

The preacher sputtered and said: "Sister ! , What on earth has gotten in to you ? Why would you say such a thing ?" She looked around and said " well when you asked if anyone could give anything to help Brother Thomas my husband elbowed me and whispered in my ear 'Fuck that guy' .
 
A couple of redneck men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
 
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A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: "Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?"

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?"

Lady: (blushes) "Sir, this is really great info, but what about the Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer (staring at her big boobs): "I am getting to the point Ma'am. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day, and screwing you only once a year, wouldn't you get MAD???"
 
A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, ''I'd like to buy a horth'' he says to the owner of the farm.

''What sort of horse?'' said the owner.

''A female horth'' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf.

''Can I thee her eyeth?'' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. ''Nithe eyeth.'', says the dwarf.

''Can I thee her teeth?'' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth. Nithe teeth..... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.

The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears. ''Nithe eerth.'' He says, ''Now...can I see her twot?''

The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies ''Her what?''
''Twot, can I see her twot,'' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: ''Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?''
 
A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin."
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy's house, where he dumps her in the yard.
Then the man drives to his daddy's house and goes inside. The dad sees his son, and says "What the hell you doin' here, boy? Ain't you supposed to be with your new bride?"

"Well, pa," the son says, "I was, but she told me she's still a virgin"

"Well holy dog-shit", says the dad, "What'd you do then?

"I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy's house and dumped her on the lawn"

The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says "Good job, son. If she ain't good enough for her family, I say she ain't good enough for ours neither."
 
A woman goes to an artist to have her portrait painted.

She tells the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewelry. Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.

The artist says, "But you aren't wearing any."

She replies, "I know, I don't own any either. But if I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away. I want to drive his new wife crazy looking for the jewels."
 
A 76-year old walked into an insurance office and asks to buy a life insurance policy. The salesman asks him how old he is, and he says that he's 76. The salesman replies that you can't buy a policy over the age of 75.

The old man replies "But my 99-year old father came here last week and bought a new policy"

The salesman replies "Obviously he knows the manager personally - come back on Thursday when the manager is in"

The old man replies "I'm busy this Thursday - my grandfather is getting remarried"

The salesman replies "What? How old is he?"

The old man replies "He'll be 122 next month"

The salesman replies "Why is he getting remarried?"

The old man replies "He doesn't really want to - but his parents are pressuring him."
 
A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"

"It's having one wife too many", he says.

"And what is monogamy?"

"... the same"
 
It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she said laughing. He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"
 
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
 
A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yelps, “aaaah what was that?!”

The woman smiles and says, “oh my dearest, you popped my cherry.”

He cries out, “well pop it again it’s got me by the balls!”
 
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