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During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then down at himself and says, "What's that?"

The father looks down and smiles, "That is your Ferrari son, and you can park it in any garage you want."

That evening after school, the little girl comes home with blood all over her hands. Hey mother sees this and screams, "Oh my God! What happened?!"

"The boy next door tried to park his Ferrari in my garage so I tore its back wheels off!"
 
Tom and Mike were travelling down Route 66 when Donald fell asleep at the wheel and crashed head on to oncoming traffic and they both died. When Donald and Mike reached the pearly gates of hell Mike said:

"Listen Devil, my time on earth is not done yet. I'll do whatever you want for you to send me back to earth."

The devil thought about it for a moment and decided to have some fun. He said to Mike:

"You see that ugly woman over there? Not a single person has been able to make love to her. If you can make her have an orgasm, I'll send you back to earth."

Mike took one look at her and she was the ugliest woman he's ever seen but he desperately wants to go back to earth. So he starts having sex with her and he's hating every second of it but he finally gets her satisfied. The devil looks on and comments:

"Unbelievable. You are the only one able to accomplish that. A deal is a deal. Back to earth you go."

As Mike is walking out he notices Donald banging the hottest chick there and Mike is pissed. He goes back to The Devil to complain and tells him:

"I don't get it. I have to have sex with the ugliest woman here to go back to earth and Donald gets to bang the hottest woman? Why is that?"

The Devil responds:

"SHE'S trying to go back to earth."
 
How is a man like a snowstorm?

You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
 
An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the the dense bundling of nerve endings at this location, less dense nerve bundles can also lead to climax. This is why some women can have vaginal orgasms and a few can even have anal orgasms.”

At this point a woman at back of the room stands up and shouts.

“There is no such thing as an anal orgasm!! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. My asshole is not for sex!!!”

The researcher calmly looks at her and explains,

“Well the nerve endings travel to the same pleasure center in the brain and the vagina and anus both spasm during climax. Madame, may I ask you what your ‘asshole’ , as you put, it is doing while you orgasm?”

She looks him dead in the eye and says.

“Yeah. Most times he’s out fishing with his buddies.”
 
There once was a man named Keith,

Who gave circumcisions with his teeth.

It wasn’t for leisure,

Or sexual pleasure,

But to get to the cheese underneath.
 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
 
Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
Always a very happy ending for all characters!

And the best part…....No matter which point you start watching, you will understand the story.
 
Why should wives cook for their husbands?

Because as per Geneva convention, all prisoners must be fed!!!
 
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
 
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