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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick, I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding on the fucking bus."
 
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
 
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his ass again."
 
A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".
 
Daughter: "Mom, I’m pregnant!"

Mom: "I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don’t, and when he touches your vagina, say stop."

Daughter: "But he kept touching both, so it came out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop."
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, " Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help noticing her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, " Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"...I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!
 
A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:
"I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later."

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:
"I need 50 pictures of Kim Kardashian."

He gets them, and drives away with them. Soon, he comes back in a brand-new truck and new clothes and says:
" I need 100 pictures of Kim Kardashian."

He gets them and takes them away. Soon, he comes back in a huge customized truck and designer clothes and says:
" I need 200 pictures of Kim Kardashian."

The store clerk asks him:
" What's the deal with these pictures? How come you were recently poor, but now you're driving a truck worth more than my house?"

The man replies:
" I opened a shooting range."
 
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