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Father and son go on a kayaking tour

When they get home Mom notices he has a swollen black eye.

Mom: "Omg, what happened to your eye?"

Son: "There was a huge mosquito in the kayak"

Mom: "Did it bite you?"

Son: "Nope, Dad killed it with the paddle"
 
Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt off the back. He was jumped upon by the wolves and torn to pieces as he was devoured.

Soon, however, the pack, still hungry, took up their chase of the sleigh. They again got closer and closer. Straws were drawn again and the loser blessed Mother Russia and leapt from the back of the sled. The wolves devoured him and still came on, getting closer and closer.

The tallest of the remaining two on the sled said "I guess we should draw straws again."

"No, that won't be necessary," said the shorter man, and he pulled out an AK-47 from inside his parka and blasted all the wolves to smithereens.

"Why did you not do that before?" asked the taller man.

The shorter man reached into his parka and pulled out a liter of Vodka and said, "What? And share a bottle among four?"
 
A man was lost in the desert for days and days and days and was crawling on his hands and knees. He had heat stroke, sun stroke, everything stroke and in maybe a few minutes he would be dead.

In the distance he saw a mirage, he thought. He saw someone coming towards him but he hadn't seen anyone for days. The middle of no where, so he thought this can't be true.

And as he looked, it looked as if it was an Eskimo with a dog sled and eight husky dogs in front. And he thought, 'The sun must be making me crazy, it must be a mirage.' But as it came closer, he could make out the sound of the dogs barking and he could see the furs on the Eskimo.

And he thought, 'My goodness, I'm actually saved! It's not a mirage after all!'

Soon, he could feel the dogs licking his face and he could see the Eskimo standing right before him. "It's a mircale! I'm saved," he said. "I've been lost in the desert for days!" he said to the Eskimo.

And the Eskimo replied, "And you think YOU'RE lost."
 
3 teenagers are walking in their neighborhood , when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts: "Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”

One of them replies:
“Grandma, go inside or we will fuck you.”

The next day, the teens again cross her house, and go in to steal some juicy apples.

Grandma catches them again: "Hey you again, don’t steal my apples.”

“Grandma go away, go or we’ll fuck you”

A few days later, they again cross her house and enter her garden to steal some apples.

Grandma: “Guys come on don’t steal my apples..”

“Grandma go away or we will fuck you”

Grandma replies: “For fucks sake when are you going to finally fuck me? I’ve been waiting for 3 days for you to come inside.”
 
While visiting his grandparents, a teen walks into the living room and sees that he’s grandpa is watching porn. Slightly shocked the grandson says “Grandpa, what are you doing?”

Grandpa not in the least bit startled replies “watching history shows sonny”.

So the grandson realizing the old man’s mistake and wanting to save him some embarrassment, corrects him “But Grandpa, this is not a history show, this is porn!”

The old grandpa, without missing a beat says “well Sonny, in your case, it’s porn, but in my case, it’s history.”
 
A man hears his doorbell ring

He goes to open the door, but sees no one there. He glances down, thinking maybe it was a package dropped off, but only sees his doormat and a snail on the ground.

Realizing it must have been immature kids ding-dong ditching, he becomes a little angry. To vent his frustration, he picks up the snail and chucks it as far as he can.

Three months later, the man hears his doorbell ring again. He again opens the door to no one, but is bewildered when he looks down and sees a familiar-looking snail. "What the hell was that for?" the snail says.
 
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Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then proceeded to show her what it was for. Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one too".

Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only OTHER man in the world with one of those".

Maria accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work again the next morning and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?"

“Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
 
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.”

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.

“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
 
Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her will was her last request: Bury me where I might be close to my two greatest loves, the course and the cats.

Gloria's closest friend and the president of the club where Gloria played, Daniel, was deeply moved by her passing. He petitioned to have Gloria buried under the last green where she landed her first hole in one, setting a record for the course. The idea was widely accepted and soon Gloria was buried at the course.

A couple weeks after her passing, Daniel noticed attendance to the club and greens were way up. They'd even seen a 20% increase in paid memberships! He consulted his VP of Marketing, Tom, and asked him about it.

"Tom, I just saw our numbers. Everyone is coming to the club! What's the attraction?"

"Well," Tom said. "It seems everyone has heard about Gloria's passing in the obituaries and decided to pay their respects."

"Really?" Daniel replied. "I'm happy to hear they miss her, but these men would never have gone for Gloria in her time."

"Ah, see, that's partly my fault." Tom admitted. "The obituary read: New Gloria hole opened: pussies to follow soon."
 
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, ''Hey, mamacita, let's do Wee wee chu.''

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!'' said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Wee wee chu. I love you and it's the perfect time,''Pedro begged.

''But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.'' replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Wee wee chu with me.''

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, ''OK, one time, we'll do Wee wee chu.''

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.......''Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.''
 
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