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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

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A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for going through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an AssHole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number
of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and Hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for AssHole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
 
Judge, "on what grounds do you want a divorce?"

Husband "my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!"

Judge "You mean to say she's severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?"

Husband "No, She's out looking for Me!!"
 
A fit man was admiring his physique in a full length mirror. While naked, he realized that he didn’t have an ‘all over’ tan. He decided to go to the beach the next day to get a tan. He buried himself in the sand with just his twig and berries exposed.

Two old women were walking by when the one said to the other ‘'well now, that’s just a same."

The other woman asked what she meant.

She said,
"When I was 10 I was afraid of it
When I was 20 I curious about it
When I was 30 I liked it
When I was 40 I loved it
When I was 50 I begged for it
and when I was 60 I paid for it...
Here I am at 70 and the damn things are growing out of the ground"
 
Larry got the new Secretary.

Charlie : '' Your New Secretary is very Sexy...."

Larry: " Thanks! she is actually a Robot, named Doreen. If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental. If you need I can lend you for a day so you can see how functional and efficient she is....."

The next day, Charlie calls Larry from the Hospital & shouts:
"Larry... you bastard!!!
You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."
 
A woman is supposedly home alone and sees a figure from behind in her kitchen.

She creeps forward and grabs the figure by the testicles and asks, "who are you?"

Only silence.

She squeezes hard this time and asks, "who are you?"

Still silence.

She smashes the testicles in her hand and yells, "who are you?"

The figure whispers, "John".

The woman asks, "John WHO?!"

The figure whispers, "John, The Mute."
 
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train, drinking and being loud together.

Dickie, Scotty and Paddy.

At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful nun get on, store their bags overhead and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says "Have ye any decency between the three of ye? I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible".

So Dickie pipes up and says "The three Kings?"

The priest tuts and shakes his head. So Scotty pipes up and says "God, Judas and the donkey?" This gets a great laugh from his companions, but the priest is unimpressed. He looks at Paddy, but he just shrugs and continues drinking.

As the train approaches the next stop, the nun gets up from her seat to get her bag down.

Noticing her struggling, Paddy drunkenly stands to help her. As he reaches up to grab the bag, the nun reaches her hand down and gives his balls a good squeeze.

In his astonishment, Paddy blurts out "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!"

The priest looks up and says, "Well done lad, I knew you had it in you", and hands over the 50.
 
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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name--leave it to me."

Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lester says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Lester replies, " OK. I'll tell him."
 
Two Priests going on vacation to Hawaii were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said:
"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said : "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" ?

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."
 
A man had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book to reassure and comfort me, and show me how you will take care of me in this time of need".

With that, the minister took his Bible and placed it on his desk in front of him.

He continued his prayer: "Let these pages fall open to the passage meant for me, that I may know your plan". With his eyes faithfully shut, he opened the Bible to a random page.

He raised his finger above his head and dramatically spun it in circles "Now guide my finger, Lord, that it may fall on the words I need to hear the most".

He placed his finger onto the Bible, and with some apprehension, slowly opened his eyes to reveal Gods plan.

"Chapter 7"
 
Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care, even his mom and dad. Everyone was too busy playing with little Timmy's cute wittle fingwers and dressing little Timmy up in cute wittle socks. But nothing hurt Tommy more than his own mother betraying him and letting little Timmy suck on her tits. "That tiny little cunt", said Tommy to himself one day, "I fucking can't take this anymore. Something has to be fucking done about that little fucker."

So young Tommy became a man on a mission. He started spending much of his days plotting to get rid of little Timmy. Little Timmy, the little fucker that had caused him so much depression and so much pain. Something had to give. Several months in, he came up with a brilliant plan. A few drops of them chemicals from dad's toolbox should do the trick. A few drops and his problems, gone forever. And the red cherry topping on Tommy's magnum opus? Those few drops go right on his mother's magnificent tits. Oh yes, Tommy was settling for nothing less than poetic justice.

So that night after his mother had fallen asleep, Tommy snuck up to the bed and poisoned her breasts. "Night night, little fucker" snickered Tommy as he went back to his own bed, knowing the next day was gonna be golden for him. That night, Tommy slept peacefully for the first time in months.

But that peace was soon disrupted by his mother's blood-curdling screams. "Ah, finally. About time" whispered Tommy to himself as he walked to his parents bedroom, "about time I finally see the corpse." And there was a corpse alright, but to Tommy's horror it wasn't little Timmy's. That little fucker had somehow managed to survive. It was Jack, their neighbor, who lay dead on his parents bed.
 
A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never left my heart. I've brought back some of the world's rarest and most sought after ingredients and I'd like to prepare a meal for you to prove my love: a venison from the smallest antelope in the world; the dik -dik."

The wife is skeptical, but says okay, and he hurriedly rushes to the kitchen to prepare the meal. Yet, when he opens up the box of ingredients instead of the meat he finds the wife's very happy, and very full, cat having polished off the entirety of his supplies.

Both furious and desperate, he decides to prepare the cat instead and simply tell his wife it ran away.

He puts the finishing touches on the meal, and brings it out to his wife. She takes one bite, spits it out, and says: "Why the fuck does your dik taste like pussy?"
 
What do you call two nuns and a prostitute playing football ?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
 
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