limits changing in relationships

[petrel]

We've discussed hard limits several times on here already but I have a new slant on this.

Are there things that in general are fine with you but in your current relationship are hard limits;
to go even further are there things which turn you on but in your current relationship are hard limits/ (in both cases hard limits for YOU)

I read Risia's post a few days back about a defining sub moment for her in a tack shop - it was very hot - I got immensely aroused (thanks to everyone for That thread!) and the whole scene/concept was one I have always rated a 4/5 on my personal scale but after thinking it through - I guess someone I know having experienced it made it more real - I felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea of that level of play in public within my current relationship. - to the extent that I had to move it into at least the 0 if not the hard limit category. (for me a hard limit can also be something that would end the relationship - in this case with no warning of intent that kind of interaction would be a serious threat to our relationship)

I guess what I am asking is does anyone else find that being someone’s partner/wife/girlfriend and all the emotional and romantic entanglement that entails - des it limit the things you are comfortable with in the BDSM side of your relationship.

Obviously this question applies mainly to those others on the board who feel they are in a relationship first and a BDSM relationship second but I would like any responses.

P.S I have discussed this with R (don’t worry about that!)

 

[Quint]

This was a reason why Hunny and I separated.

He isn't capable of giving me the hard, degrading, painful actions that I've come to desire more than almost anything else. His love for me combined with the fact that he's just not a sadist and so he'd hold back. When we did staged rape, it was pretty meek and mild and unsatisfying, because it was so close to a limit for him that we had to tone it down. (Granted, it didn't seem so mild at the time, but I've moved on and taken my needs with me.)

From this experience, I thought that it was impossible to reconcile love and harder BDSM. Learning the error of my thoughts now.

That's the only way I can see a relationship affecting how hard a limit is and how much it's stuck to. What were some other things you were thinking of, besides partner's conflicting interest?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I know that my limits would be the same no matter what. My limits are so because of the way they make me feel. I'm married as most all here already know, and he's my Dom. We don't do any public play, as it wouldn't be good for his military career for one, and we are mostly private people.

I truely believe that Master's limits would be the same for much the same reason as mine, However, that is just my opinion as I wouldn't dream of speaking for him.

For me, and me alone, my limits are in place to protect myself from situations I know I emotionally could not handle.

Great topic petrel. Hope this is what you were looking for.

dixi

 

[Desdemona]

I've thought about this a little. Things that would have been hard limits for me a year ago are becoming more acceptable and even somewhat erotic. I think that as we grow and learn, our limits may possibly change. Some things will probably always be hard limits for me. Time will tell, I guess.

 

[Cirrus]

My limits would be, and are the same. I'm not having sex with women because the idea of interacting sexually with someone of the same sex is a HUGE turn off for me, almost bordering on repulsion (though I enjoy lesbian porn and stories...odd, no?). No visible marks, though that one gets bent accidentally sometimes, and no permanent damage (scars and the like)...that one I hold firm on. That's more or less it for me. I'm sure there's other things that would be a limit for me but He and I engage in some of the more mild to moderate forms of play so it probably won't be an issue.

 

[artful]

Petrel

I don't know if you want this input or not,...but from a Dominants POV, I can say MY "hard limits"
have changed over the years. I enjoy doing things with a sub now,...that I wouldn't have dreamed acceptable, (let alone enjoyable), 40 years ago.

 

[petrel]

For me, and me alone, my limits are in place to protect myself from situations I know I emotionally could not handle.

but my problem is there are things I know I can handle but when I throw my partner (husband) into the mix I can't handle it.

For example a thresome I can and have handled in the past (and very much enjoyed - rates a 5 for me especially two other women or two bi men and me) however I don't know if I could handle it with my partner involved; its not even the jealousy thing - if we agreed to open things up a bit I would be fine with either or both of us participating in threesomes of any combination except as a couple plus one other.

I know that with my partner anal sex is a 4 but with anyone else it would be a 1 or 2

well its not a problem so much as a puzzle, especially when it is things that do turn me on but I can't bring myself to want to do with him.

 

[CarolineOh]

but my problem is there are things I know I can handle but when I throw my partner (husband) into the mix I can't handle it.

For example a thresome I can and have handled in the past (and very much enjoyed - rates a 5 for me especially two other women or two bi men and me) however I don't know if I could handle it with my partner involved; its not even the jealousy thing - if we agreed to open things up a bit I would be fine with either or both of us participating in threesomes of any combination except as a couple plus one other.

I know that with my partner anal sex is a 4 but with anyone else it would be a 1 or 2

well its not a problem so much as a puzzle, especially when it is things that do turn me on but I can't bring myself to want to do with him.

Let me ask you this, is your problem (if that's even the right word) a matter of self consciousness? Perhaps the way you feel about a threesome with your partner is not based in jealousy, but a certain amount of intimate withholding, that you would not be comfortable watching him or being watched in that situation become of your own self image, or concerns of how your impression of him might change?

 

[cellis]

I have three hard limits and I cannot see them changing ever... no children, scat or animals.

Other limits if that is what you want to call them are changing and evolving. I have talked about this before, those gags... I can at least think about them without losing it. Before the first time Himself mentioned a ball gag I had an anxiety attack.

There are other things too... but that is the main one.

 

[Daedalus77]

I don't know you but here I go...

Perhaps your puzzle to a "couple plus one" threesome is a feeling of insecurity(not jealiousy). Perhaps it makes you feel uncomfortable being in a one on one comparison by your Dom even if the comparison is in your head not his. For exmaple "What if she does that better than I can" or "He never responded to me like that when I did that."

I had an opposite situation happen to me when I had my first threesome (mmf). It was my gf first time too and afterwards she told me held back because she was afraid it would bother me that she was so excited by it. I told her that her pleasure was my pleasure and go for it.


Just a thought I may be totally wrong.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

petrel - I can't say why you feel this way, other than I think that Daedalus77 might have a point. (Welcome Daeudalus, btw)

I know for myself a threesome with us as a couple plus one, would not work. I am too insecure to see my Master with someone else. I know he loves me, that's beside the point, its something in me. He has also expressed to me that he wouldn't be comfortable with seeing me with another man. So for us, this fantasy has to remain just that....a fantasy.

I'm not saying that I think you are insecure, I don't know you well enough to even make such a suggestion. What I am saying is this is how I feel....this is why I have this limit. I hope this helps in any way.


dixi

 

[petrel]

okay thanks to those who responded to this and sorry I didn't follow the replies up sooner. I think its more a matter of intimacy -often when I feel especially close to my partner its because of an us against the world feeling. At these times I don't feel like a seperate being in the same strongly individual sense I normally have more like a fuzzy R&R two person thing.

I guess I am resentful of people who intrude upon that level of togetherness in lots of ways and the sexual aspect is just the one that came most quickly to mind.

We are very intimate and involved in sex and maybe part of it is because I cannot imagine feeling that intimacy with my partner int he room but not actually being the one touching me?

Or maybe a lack of focus - I wouldn't want to be less focused on him?

or here's a third option - I let go with my partner - more than I have with anyone else. If I imagine myself in a 3some I imagine a certian degree of control remaining with me - It would be hard to balance that out.

I don't have comparisons - I know someone else would have to be pretty damn special to make my partner think they were better than me in bed (shameless boast there but hey). In the end though its acedemic as its highly unlikely to happen.

so enough already - sorry to have bored anyone with this totally self involved post!

 

[rosco rathbone]

From this experience, I thought that it was impossible to reconcile love and harder BDSM. Learning the error of my thoughts now.

Reconcile? They go together like fire and gasoline.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I've thought about this a little. Things that would have been hard limits for me a year ago are becoming more acceptable and even somewhat erotic. I think that as we grow and learn, our limits may possibly change. Some things will probably always be hard limits for me. Time will tell, I guess.

I agree, Des. I think as we learn and grow, especially in regard to a new Dom/me or partner we have, many things will change. If that were not the case then the relationship would be static and dull and eventually, would end.

My hard limits, however will never change. I do not use the word 'never' lightly in this regard, either.

Rose

 

[Quint]

Reconcile? They go together like fire and gasoline.

God, that's the truth. Last night was...invigorating, to say the least. "I love you so much, you fucking whore." *sighs contentedly*

 

[artful]

petrel

I have read some of your posts, but I don't know you well. Up front I will apologise if I offend you, for surely that is not my intention.

What IF:

There is your hubby, another man, and you on the bed together. The scene has been orchestrated by your hubby. Sexual interaction has been entered between you and the other man.

The man has your body under his complete control,...however temporary it might be. Because of the *magic*, when he first pierces into you, an orgasm ensues.

You try to hold back your responses, but you can't.

Moaning erupts from deep inside, your body quakes and quivers with the sensations and your head is spinning in ways you never dreamed possible.

The man withdraws and plunges deeply into you again. A scream lashes out loudly as you enter another orgasm.

He begins to piston in and out of you relentlessly, thrust after thrust, slamming into you savagely.

You now are in subspace, nothing matters but the sensations coursing through your body. Your control is completely gone, all you want is to FEEL more.

One orgasm follows another, each more powerful than the last, ripping from deep inside you, in ways that are indescribable.

You are now whimpering, crying, moaning, cussing, straining, screaming, as your body is jolted time and again.
**********************************************************

Now,...if your hubby was to see you react in such a fashion,...could he handle it? How would HE feel, knowing you reacted in such a manner with another man? Could you CONVINCE him it was not the man, but only the scene with HIS presence?

I am not saying this is necessarily the case, but it might be. It might be that you FEAR this kind of thing happening, and because of it, you see where it might endanger your relationship with your hubby.

Again,...if I have offended you,...I apologise,...just PM me, and I will edit my post completely.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Re: petrel

[highjack...sorry ahead of time]

Oh my Art, you just turned up the heat at my house....whew.

~smiles at Art~

dixi

[/highjack....sorry again]

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: petrel

[highjack...sorry ahead of time]

Oh my Art, you just turned up the heat at my house....whew.

~smiles at Art~

dixi

[/highjack....sorry again]

Continuing the temporary hijack..... (sorry)

Art, it is now becoming quite humid down south.

 

[Kitte]

God, that's the truth. Last night was...invigorating, to say the least. "I love you so much, you fucking whore." *sighs contentedly*

Just reading that gave me shivers. He has a hard time with some words, he was raised you just DONT speak to women like that... he is slowly getting over it.

 

[MzChrista]

Reconcile? They go together like fire and gasoline.

Is that good or bad?

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Re: Re: Re: petrel

Continuing the temporary hijack..... (sorry)

Art, it is now becoming quite humid down south.

Oh dear Des, I'm feeling the humidity as well! Art, you certainly have a wonderful "command" with words. >>sighs<<



-kym- feeling the heat all the way down here

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Petrel

I don't know if you want this input or not,...but from a Dominants POV, I can say MY "hard limits"
have changed over the years. I enjoy doing things with a sub now,...that I wouldn't have dreamed acceptable, (let alone enjoyable), 40 years ago.

hmmm? wonders what EVER Master could be talking about ? hehe
I know as does Master that 1 of my 'hard limits" is sex with a woman as it Does repulse me..I have many lesbian Friends and homosexual guy friends also but it just don't 'trip my trigger' lol
also yes I do feel that to me,because WE have OUR realtionship first and foremost that it would be "much harder" for me to say ,even be with another man ,even if it pleased Him for me to be because I would be so very afraid of "hurt feelings and I KNOW what makes ME tick and I have to have "feelings' of some kind for a man in order for me to allow them access to my body.. ..Pleasing Master IS the utmost important thing to me but He would be able to "sense' my 'discomfort also therefore ruining His chances of being pleased by it..