Limited Time Offer: I will review your very best incest/taboo story.

[burgwad]

I will end this thread before too long. I'm just one guy, and a methodical reader at that, so I can't promise more than a dozen or so reviews before this is all said and done. But hey, you want a review? Get in quick, my friend, and make a case for yourself!

A few stipulations:

1. Incest/taboo only. Other than this requirement, I welcome any and all sub-genres, kinks, genders, sexualities, etc.
2. I won't impose a length limit, as I personally enjoy reading and writing beastly long things. But then do please note the italic bit in #3.
3. Although I'm a relatively friendly reviewer, I genuinely believe some people are not cut out for this. But as a relatively friendly reviewer, I also refuse to be the one to tell them so. So for your own psychic wellbeing, I reserve the right to be choosy in what I review, and to ignore your submission without explanation.

Sound good? Ready to show me your best effort? And ready to politely tolerate my smug, self-indulgent opinion of that effort? Then heck yeah, let's have some fun!

 

[HeyAll]

Not one of my most popular, but to me, this is my favorite Incest story that I've written because it infuses several different fetishes into one story. It's written from two perspectives. I love the second half of the story.

Career Mothers -- Hotel Secrets

https://www.literotica.com/s/career-mothers-hotel-secrets

 

[sunsetsandsea]

........

 

[AwkwardMD]

The entire reason I started giving feedback in the first place was because I couldn't get anyone to give me anything meaningful about my work when I was starting out. In a way, I'm still hungry for it.

This is the best incest story I've produced. This is the epilogue/follow-up, a few thousand words I wrote a year+ later because I wanted to write more of them and nobody can stop me. You're not the boss of me.

EDIT: had the wrong link for the followup. Fixed now.

 

[8letters]

Back for the Summer Holidays Ch. 01 is one I wrote recently and is my top rated story.

I've still got ways to go in terms of my writing chops, so I'm expecting the worst, haha.

https://literotica.com/s/back-for-the-summer-holidays-ch-01

I'm going to talk about one of my pet peeves.

Without reading your story, I'll say your biggest problem is that it's too short. It's not quite two pages, and, from what analysis I've done, that's not long enough for most readers. Also, the fact that it's a chapter series will keep a lot of readers from clicking on it. My first story was a two-chapter story with each chapter about as long as yours. I wanted to get feedback on the story as soon as possible. What I should have done was assume that I was telling a good story, written the whole story and published it as a complete story. And that's what I recommend you do.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Okay... you asked for it.

Fraternal Twins (16 chapters)

 

[8letters]

I have six I/T stories with a 4.8 rating or better. My Crocheting Little Sister is the only one that I've considered writing a sequel for. It's different. It's a BDSM story for people who don't like BDSM stories. In addition to your review, I'd like to hear what you think the sequel should have (one thing is kind of obvious).

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm going to talk about one of my pet peeves.

Without reading your story, I'll say your biggest problem is that it's too short. It's not quite two pages, and, from what analysis I've done, that's not long enough for most readers. Also, the fact that it's a chapter series will keep a lot of readers from clicking on it. My first story was a two-chapter story with each chapter about as long as yours. I wanted to get feedback on the story as soon as possible. What I should have done was assume that I was telling a good story, written the whole story and published it as a complete story. And that's what I recommend you do.

This isn't your thread. No one is asking you what you think.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'll offer up a couple of options.


You said beastly long was okay well....
Spellbound about 82k and being its a mom/son story that plays tribute to a lot of haunted house type stories I had a lot of fun with it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/spellbound-12

Tales of my Slutty Sister. 16 pages...the hook to this is the brother writes stories on a site like lit about his sister and she finds out, it weaves in and out of his story and how he portrays his sister and himself to the much more mundane and, for him, frustrating reality.

https://www.literotica.com/s/tales-of-my-slutty-sister

Now if you want to go down a dark path, I have a father daughter piece that goes against the grain for most taboo stories. The act more a desperate attempt than she was hot for daddy like the other stories. This one isn't for everyone, but went over surprisingly well

https://www.literotica.com/s/that-damn-red-dress

 

[burgwad]

Not one of my most popular, but to me, this is my favorite Incest story that I've written because it infuses several different fetishes into one story. It's written from two perspectives. I love the second half of the story.

Career Mothers -- Hotel Secrets

https://www.literotica.com/s/career-mothers-hotel-secrets

I'm wordy and have to post this feedback in pieces, apologies. You'll note that I review as I read. Welcome to my method. A review-in-review comes at the end. Here is part one:

• Surreal image to open on, someone sitting naked in a hotel room before starting their day. Harmonizes nicely with the impersonal start (“A woman” vs “Nicole”). The use of present tense adds to a clinical, reportorial voice. I get a fun, sociopathic vibe.
• “Attractive. Sharp. Mannered.” I like this bullet-point description. It’s stylish, and fits the story.
• The snappy, barebones descriptions of things is terrific. However, with this less-is-more approach, poor verb choices stand out more starkly. Take “She heads to the elevator and goes to the lobby,” for instance. I’d rather she “descends” to the lobby, or that she “rides it down” to the lobby. Juicy verb choices make fast-paced, montage-like parts of a story easier to chew and digest.
• Prose could use a touch of polish (note, e.g., the imprecision of “shining in through the open curtains,” the subject-verb disagreement of “there’s also other things,” the occasional misplaced comma, etc.).
• “Rinses her body in the shower.” Again, this slightly off, depersonalized language. Tonally, I love it.
• “Dressed casually, but with pricy attire” is a meaningful observation, and yet its meaningfulness also draws attention to how vague and slightly confusing it is. I’m not 100% sure what to visualize.
• “She spreads her legs and enjoys what Preena has to offer.” You then describe what Preena offers, but it (kissing) isn’t an intuitive follow-up to Nicole having spread her legs. In this case, I think it’s a quick fix: simply cut and paste the sentence I quoted to the end of the paragraph, so that the kissing precedes the leg-spreading. You get to keep your clever, economic prose. And I get to read something that flows a little more intuitively, so that my imaginary actors quit fumbling their stage cues.
• “The orgasm is… because there was…” “They were … they know…” Mind your tense, buster. Granted, it’s the easiest thing to fuck up, especially if you’re writing a lot and switching tenses from story to story. But in this case, the present tense you’ve chosen feels crucial to the vibe (see above). I need you to be as fastidiously detail oriented as your protagonist.
• Then all of a sudden: dialog. And it’s great! The personalities on display are pitch perfect. Preena may be to thank for this, but I notice and appreciate delightfully abrupt shift in tone this dialog brings to the story. I find it meaningfully amusing that we’ve glossed right over the sex to instead slow down and focus on these two women’s moment of playful connection. It speaks, maybe, to the real human need underlying Nicole’s hookup hobby? And since incest erotica thrives on the heady emotional stakes of inter-familial boundary crossings, that Nicole is seeking meaningful intimacy foreshadows something presumably delicious.
• Preena, already my favorite character in this story, is also the one who escorts our protagonist through the looking glass into the incest/taboo realm. Bless her heart.
• “That’s my duality.” Cool line.
• How quickly Nicole texts her son the photo and the flirtatious message is a hair too fast, and seems a little reckless for someone as methodical as Nicole. I know Nicole is a streamlined, no-nonsense, “hawkeyed” personality, but I maintain that there needed to be just a tiny bit more resistance or uncertainty from her as a mother: a fear of damaging this invaluable relationship, or of outright hurting her son, or of being seen as a monster, etc.
• “Her dress is form-fitting so there’s nowhere to hide her panties, so she tosses them in the garbage…” That second ‘so’ could probably be an ‘and.’ Nitpick? Yep.
• My heart sank when I realized that “a few months” had elapsed, and that Nicole had likely already seduced her son. Dude. Slow down a sec and read this next part as if I have just melodramatically swiped your computer and all your shit off your desk and pulled up a chair (or brought my own, if need be) and sat across from you and now the only light in the room is an interrogation light hanging directly above us and all else is darkness. Dude. The part everyone loves most about incest stories—the part that Redditors will hound incest AMA posters about—is the seduction. HOW was the line crossed? WHO crossed it first? WHAT was said? THEN what? WHEN did things escalate, in what order, and did s/he swallow? WHY did it happen? Now, I’m sorry if I just swiped all your shit off your desk for no reason if actually you do intend to flashback on the next page and tell me all this stuff I so desperately need to read about, but hey, you’re the one who time-jumped past the juiciest part of your own story. GAH! And now I throw my coffee at the wall. I had coffee with me.
• Alright, this one has occurred more than once now, so I’ll point it out: “She could feel air flowing between her legs with each step.” Although it’s hardly obvious since there are plenty of ways of weaving it into a present tense context, “could” is not by itself present tense. It’s … [googles it to be sure] … past tense.
• “Certain people in the world know how truly wet Preena can become under the right circumstances.” This is amusing, and hearkens back to her globetrotting sexual proclivities. But it pets me the wrong way, nevertheless. Oddly enough, my issue is with “in the world.” It is so seldom a necessary specifier. Almost everything we’re ever talking about is “in the world,” and so mentioning that someone or something is located there always feels a little pedestrian. Granted, here, like I said, it makes sense. But I’ve been conditioned to want to axe those words. Idk. It’s your call. This one’s subjective. Take it or leave it. And heck, you’ll probably leave it won’t you. No one ever takes optional criticism. Alternately, you could maybe rephrase it? Maybe be more specific with your geography? I’m not sure.
• I want to call you out on your characterization. I got the sense from her encounter with Nicole that Preena is more adventurous, impulsive, gifted at improvisation, etc. The presentation you describe her giving (“fact-based, focused heavily on research, every word rehearsed to make sure it fits within the allotted time”) sounds more like a presentation Nicole would give. I’d sooner believe Preena would have no need to memorize or rehearse, would simply trust herself to give a stellar presentation by speaking from her heart, and then brazenly go over her allotted 30 minutes because no one ever minds listening to her talk at length. People wouldn’t raise their hands with policy questions afterward. They would raise their hands only to tell Preena how incredible she is, and how much she has touched them with her presentation. Never mind that her presentation was about redistricting.
• Nicole would know precisely where Preena is reading the email.
• And if you took issue with that bullet, you’re going to want to sit down for this next one. The email feels off. It doesn’t feel like Nicole writing. Nicole would be brief and to the point. Her prose would be “sharp, mannered.” She would share the bare minimum required to tantalize and torture Preena. I was so excited to read the email, just like Preena was. But unlike Preena, I am convinced this email is a counterfeit, and now suddenly I’m worried that Andrew has murdered his mother and is now pretending to be her for some reason. It’s either that, or the whole smart sexy sleek sociopath thing was just a façade. And if that’s true, well then, fuck, man. I will still comment on the storytelling that unfolds within the email, because it features the all-important seduction (sorry about all the shit I shoved off your desk) but know that I am now looking at you squint-eyed.
• By” backyard entrance” do you mean “back door”? Sorry. I’m being mean now. This email has put me in a mood.
• “He moved away slowly” is kind of a funny visual for this moment. I’d sooner believe he hesitated at the door, or acted like he had something else to say before simply disappearing again into the house. Actually, I’d even sooner believe that he scurried away in a hurry, proud to have stolen a glance at mommy’s tits, but terrified of being caught wanting to have done so. Even if he was horny for mommy, the kind of unexplained up-spike in flirtatious behavior that Nicole is describing would be crazy-making for most sons/daughters. His mind should be racing with hopes, doubts, fears, lusts, etc. Let’s say he wants her as badly as Preena assured Nicole he does. This is all the more reason for him to be self-conscious about how he’s behaving, as he’s suddenly being confronted with this reality he’s only ever fantasized about before. Even if this scenario is something that he has already played out in his head a hundred different ways over the years, then that looping apparatus is now going to go into hyperdrive. In short, he should probably be acting more erratically. Even if he’s normally a very chill, composed dude (he is his mother’s son, after all).
• Talking with your son about if he’s fucking someone is arguably not "inconsequential."

 

[burgwad]

And part two:

• “I told Andrew that I last had sex with an Indian-American woman at a hotel (you!).” Maybe you’re up in arms by this point with all the re-writing I’m doing for you, telling you how your characters should be acting when you’re their creator. That’s understandable. But goddamn it, I’m going to do it again. Nicole would NOT in any universe perceive a need to clarify that she meant “(you!)” to Preena, whom she knows to be intelligent. Is this an easy fix? Yes. Please delete the (you!). But this whole email, like I’ve said, poses a much graver problem for the piece: you have put dumb words into a smart character’s mouth. I do not mean to be mean. But you’ve put smart words elsewhere in the story! Just keep doing those when Nicole talks!
• I am still very much looking at you squint-eyed.
• “Lunch was normal. Surprisingly not awkward at all.” Yes. That is surprising. Because it makes no goddamn sense. Even if it wasn’t awkward, that would imply they were comfortable with what had happened, which would also mean they probably talked openly about it. Which would be definitively abnormal. Andrew has murdered Nicole and is pretending to write this email, isn’t he? I knew that kid was trouble from the moment he entered the story.
• “Andrew was charming in how he handled everything and I responded to my son's maturity.” You happy with that sentence? Listen. I will stop being mean when this email stops being lazily written and we get to go back to the third person present tense you were wielding so much more deftly. How’s that for a compliment sandwich? Does it taste bad? GOOD. I like this story. I love these characters. And I hate this email. Please enjoy.
• “Making her pantyless pussy shiver.” Hm. I’m glad the email is over, but … can genitals shiver? I thought that was more of a musculoskeletal thing.
• “The female body is Nicole’s, all too familiar by now…” Calling something “all too familiar” usually carries a negative connotation, as it indicates that thing in question is literally too familiar for comfort, i.e., that you wish it had never happened.
• Note, I love the daring of Preena, here, of her listening to and watching this video out in public after she’s just given this presentation. She is reportedly hot, right? So there are probably eyes on her, even if none of them can see what’s on her phone’s screen. I sort of wish you were playing up the exhibitionistic teasing going on here. Like, why not, right? All it’s going to do is enhance the sexual tension of the moment, and also remind readers of how gifted and sexy of a presenter Preena is. Did I mention that I love Preena? I love Preena, HeyAll.
• “Her dress is almost stained with her vaginal fluids.” Two issues here. “Almost stained” is not a thing a thing can be. And “vaginal fluids” can work in erotica, for sure, but here it’s—oh wait, I just noticed the next sentence and I need to critique that too.
• “The sexual aroma between her legs creates a perfume.” You’ve begun this sentence with sensory information of one kind (aromatic) and … ended it with the same kind, which by itself is not against the rules, but what if the sentence were, “the sexual noise between her legs creates a sound” or “the sexual feeling between her legs creates a sensation”? I do want to know about the sexual aroma between Preena’s legs, I really sorely do, but that’s all the more reason I’m let down by the non-information that “it creates a perfume.”
• Preena says guilt shouldn’t happen, and that we should never deny what we crave. I would … challenge this outlook. Guilt does happen, and almost always because we have failed to deny something we craved. Why would Preena ask how Nicole alleviates the guilt (an excellent question that, for a moment, had me wondering if you have a background in mental health), and then turn around and say guilt shouldn’t happen to begin with?
• “When the day winds down and it’s night…” Two things. First, when the day winds down and people start going to dinner, you can infer it's night. Second and more complexly: You’ve already used “when the day winds down” in this story, and you’ve even used it in this exact way—to gloss over having to describe how the rest of a hotel conference went. Preena’s life is described identically to Nicole’s in this passage. If that’s intentional, I will still challenge it. Preena and Nicole have already been established as leading similar lives, but they’ve also been distinguished as very different characters (ignoring the goddamn email and reverting to our initial impression of Nicole as cool, calculating, cocky). I appreciate that you’ve set them up to follow similar routines, but even if you want to use similar language (“As the day winds down”) and to drag them through identical beats (dinner with colleagues), the way they move through these routines should differ in small, poignant ways.
• You can’t dig your toes into hotel carpet.
• I like the image of Preena relaxing as she watches her daughter on the laptop screen, but “laying in bed” isn’t something you watch someone do. I’d urge you to dig a little deeper for a more watchable observation.
• Had she educated Christine prior to forwarding the email? I might have failed to infer an education somewhere in there. But a “final act of education” sort of indicates that there should be multiple acts of education that occurred. I’ll concede I may have missed one, but multiple? Are you including her "education" of Nicole in the count? Okay. But ... what else counted? Also, just two sentences prior (or one, really, if you consider that “Pictures…” is a sentence fragment), you said “a final act of deviance.” I had to do a little bit of a double take to check if there was some clever stylistic reason you were doubling up on this "final act" phrasing. I’m not sure you make that particular case. And if you will permit me one final act of nitpickery, Microsoft Word (where I’m drafting this feedback), agrees with me that “act of deviance” reads on first glance as “act of defiance.” Because the latter is just one of those turns of phrase that gets used a lot, you know? Was this intentional, too? Were you going for a sort of play on words? If so, why/how? I'm ready to believe you were, but I'm not confident that the story sets me up to be able to just intuit your intent. Finally, just to be fair, as far as calling it a “final act" of deviance: Preena has unambiguously committed multiple acts of deviance by this point in the story, so I am happy to greenlight your calling this one a “final act.”
• And there we have it. If the devil’s in the details, then the angel’s here at the end to pick you up and dust you off and remind you that ~~ you’re important. The plot you have crafted for this tale is wonderful. Preena is a delightful character. Nicole is great, too, if we accept that she is dead and murdered and that Andrew wrote the email. Like I noted at the very top, your grammar is mostly polished, but not quite pristine (and I’ve tried to be thorough with my nitpicks so that you don’t feel like I’m just gesturing vaguely at the quality of your prose). I’d say it definitely doesn’t get in the way of your storytelling. I understand why you love the back half of this story. It's where you get the most creative with your conceit. The POV switch, the email-as-story-vehicle, and Preena’s public horniness, these are all inherently fun choices. Your sex scenes are a little terse, which in the front half of the story feels deliberate and exquisitely attuned to Nicole’s trajectory as a character seeking a more meaningful scratch for her itch. In the back half of the story, however, especially since you switch to Preena’s POV, who is someone we know to be more intuitive, passionate, eccentric, etc., this streamlined detachment feels a little dissonant.
• I know this is a finished piece and that you probably aren't eager to rework it, so let me reiterate (or actually just iterate, since I haven’t admitted this yet) that I don't care, that I loved reading and reviewing your piece anyway, and that I am someone who will never not workshop a piece that I read. I have notes for even my very, very most favorite pieces on Literotica, pieces written by authors MUCH more talented than me. I have notes for Nabokov, Wallace, Borges, Cusk, Carver, Hemingway, Coates, and Salinger. I critique because I love. I probably can’t tell you not to take my notes personally. Critiques are unavoidably personal. But I can tell you I enjoyed inhabiting your story, I appreciated your unique style, I will never forget Preena, and I hope you get back to me with an even better piece someday. I believe in you, HeyAll. You’re important. Now please go back to feeling like shit. People who feel like shit have something to prove, and people who have something to prove write Lolita, A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, Dreamtigers, the Outline trilogy, A Small Good Thing, A Clean Well-Lighted Place, The Water Dancer, and Nine Stories.

 

[HeyAll]

I'm wordy and have to post this feedback in pieces, apologies. You'll note that I review as I read. Welcome to my method. A review-in-review comes at the end. Here is part one:

• Surreal image to open on, someone sitting naked in a hotel room before starting their day. Harmonizes nicely with the impersonal start (“A woman” vs “Nicole”). The use of present tense adds to a clinical, reportorial voice. I get a fun, sociopathic vibe.

Thanks for the review. I read the whole thing and took it to heart. Some I agree with, some not. This is one of my favorite incest stories because it combines so many of my favorite themes; hotel play, professional women, mom/son taboo, mother/daughter, etc...

btw, the character of Preena is loosely based on a real woman, who I modeled after when starting to write Preena's perspective. The woman in Indian-American, and works that exact career in California. An amazing character, I think.

Thank you again for your time! It was geniunely interesting to read.

btw, this comment:

• “Attractive. Sharp. Mannered.” I like this bullet-point description. It’s stylish, and fits the story.

I was actually inspired to write like that from reading the new novel Heat 2 by Michael Mann and Meg Grandiner. Who knows more about style than Mann? So it's a great coincidence that you used that word, stylish. The book is mostly written in short, tight sentences which I love. Highly recomment that book.

 

[burgwad]

I'll offer up a couple of options.


You said beastly long was okay well....
Spellbound about 82k and being its a mom/son story that plays tribute to a lot of haunted house type stories I had a lot of fun with it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/spellbound-12

Tales of my Slutty Sister. 16 pages...the hook to this is the brother writes stories on a site like lit about his sister and she finds out, it weaves in and out of his story and how he portrays his sister and himself to the much more mundane and, for him, frustrating reality.

https://www.literotica.com/s/tales-of-my-slutty-sister

Now if you want to go down a dark path, I have a father daughter piece that goes against the grain for most taboo stories. The act more a desperate attempt than she was hot for daddy like the other stories. This one isn't for everyone, but went over surprisingly well

https://www.literotica.com/s/that-damn-red-dress

You already know I adore you, LC. You've got an acute sense of eroticism. Your pacing is pitch perfect. Your dialog is snackable. Your style is deceptively straightforward (or maybe more like deftly unobtrusive). You've just got it, man. You've fucking got it. And both of us knows I'm not playing humble when I tell you you're way, way better at this than me. Now, I can still drum up the feedback you desire (and obviously deserve), but I genuinely want to make sure you understand it will be from the mouth of a sycophant.

The entire reason I started giving feedback in the first place was because I couldn't get anyone to give me anything meaningful about my work when I was starting out. In a way, I'm still hungry for it.

This is the best incest story I've produced. This is the epilogue/follow-up, a few thousand words I wrote a year+ later because I wanted to write more of them and nobody can stop me. You're not the boss of me.

Holy shit, Fetish was you?! I love that story! I will *happily* reread it, and *humbly* workshop it. I didn't know you'd written an epilogue. That is welcome news. Shit. Gosh. ... I mean, no wonder you didn't like Ingrid. I won't belabor this overmuch, but while I have you squinting at your screen: please know that whether you meant to or not, you did do a feminism to me, and I went to a physical library, and I checked out feminist reading material, and I took it home, and I read it, and I enjoyed it. I wasn't trying to impress you with Nazanin. I was just trying to thank you. That said, now that I know who you are, please do not read it.

 

[burgwad]

I have six I/T stories with a 4.8 rating or better. My Crocheting Little Sister is the only one that I've considered writing a sequel for. It's different. It's a BDSM story for people who don't like BDSM stories. In addition to your review, I'd like to hear what you think the sequel should have (one thing is kind of obvious).

You are a little bit of an asshole. Sunsetsandsea straight-up deleted their post and sent me a private message apologizing for even asking me to look at their story. But goddamn if MCLS isn't a very, very good story, and I'd have to be as big a dick as you not to humor your request for feedback. You really did write a BDSM story for people who don't like BDSM stories, you crafty fuck.

 

[WritingwhatIlike]

I'd love to get your opinion on this story. It's my best at 4.84, but I know it has flaws. I can see them as I start reading, but it's hard to articulate as the author. An outside review would be welcome. If you don't have time, no harm.

https://literotica.com/s/milk-donation

 

[lovecraft68]

You already know I adore you, LC. You've got an acute sense of eroticism. Your pacing is pitch perfect. Your dialog is snackable. Your style is deceptively straightforward (or maybe more like deftly unobtrusive). You've just got it, man. You've fucking got it. And both of us knows I'm not playing humble when I tell you you're way, way better at this than me. Now, I can still drum up the feedback you desire (and obviously deserve), but I genuinely want to make sure you understand it will be from the mouth of a sycophant.

Thank you for the kind praise, much appreciated. My style isn't quite for everyone because I do tend to be a bit self indulgent and wordy, but I tell the story the way it comes to me, and I don't like to leave things on the cutting room floor so to speak. I look forward to your thoughts on any of the choices I offered up.

 

[Carnevil9]

If you feel like squeezing in a three-pager, my best Incest story is Craving Daddy's Cock.

 

[LaRascasse]

I haven't written an I/T story in a long time, but I'll give it a shot all the same. This story is almost 10 years old, not highly rated, and was conceived and written in a single night of narcotic-induced inspiration. Despite its modest score, it still remains the I/T story I am proudest of.

I look forward to your feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/s/echoes-6

 

[burgwad]

I have six I/T stories with a 4.8 rating or better. My Crocheting Little Sister is the only one that I've considered writing a sequel for. It's different. It's a BDSM story for people who don't like BDSM stories. In addition to your review, I'd like to hear what you think the sequel should have (one thing is kind of obvious).

MCLS Feedback

1. The opening scene is a dish of perfectly prepared comfort food, not a beat out of place. The tags and stage cues are familiar and accessible and easy to follow. This is all fine. It’s better than fine. It’s good. It’s not distinctive, but it is exquisite.
2. I keep finding myself breezing through this storytelling. Breezy reading is harder to write than it looks. Good job.
3. There’s a teensy weensy bit of fat in some of these longer expository/scene-setting paragraphs. The information provided is pertinent, but also where “breezy” threatens to feel “bland.”
4. Katniss is smoking hot.
5. This exchange about YA fiction’s dearth of nudity and the segue into the protag’s sex life feels a little off. I, too, expected Karen to go for an easy dig here like, “Yeah, I wonder why there isn’t more smut for minors!” Instead, she asks, “Why should you care?” Which is an odd question, since he literally just spent a paragraph explaining why he cares. That this somehow serves as a pivot into his sex life … feels a little false.
6. Here’s a humble scoop of takes-one-to-know-one: Karen as a character has kind of a strong men-writing-women vibe. Naturally, I love that she’s a little crochet nerd. But her dialog doesn’t always feel authentic, or like what a real human woman would say/do.
7. When characters speak at length (and note, I love me some chunky dialog) we sometimes get this combo: breezy-bordering-on-bland exposition (see #3) by way of inauthentic dialog (see #5, 6). Are we meant to fast forward past this stuff? Your protag describes, in extreme length, their entire day at work while prepping a chicken casserole: they tell us about something tedious while doing something boring.
8. You’re like an incredible porn director. You craft the most amazing on-screen sex. Your male gaze is pitch-perfect. Your characters are not trained actors, but they are super hot and know how to fuck (and crochet) exceptionally well. They keep bottles of massage oil in their pockets. And so naturally, the backstories you offer are porn backstories: surreally bland, under-rehearsed filler meant to bookend 4.8-worthy sex scenes. And yes, I’m exaggerating to make a point. You’re a terrific writer, and some of your non-sexual scenes are fine! But these finer scenes tend also to be when your non-actors aren’t talking too much and can fall back instead on savoir faire and brisk pacing.
9. Speaking of brisk pacing, I’m suddenly a couple pages further in, and once again: wow, it’s so easy to just blast through your writing, especially once the sexual tension starts to rise. The crochet/BDSM crossover is such a quirky, ingenious combination. Karen’s abrupt shift into sub-mode is well-earned and dizzyingly hot. It still doesn’t quite constitute “depth,” but you do the necessary work to make her sub persona believable.
10. I’ll also point out that you do a good job of diligently setting up and developing your backstory stuff (e.g., the protag’s shifting attitude toward his new job), even if I maintain that the seed-planting phases can feel non sequitur, meandering, and tedious.
11. I enjoy watching your characters flirt. That’s a feat.
12. I am not smitten with the Shopping/Cooking With Grandma segment. Let me guess, you’re planting backstory seeds again? The quality of the prose is fine. My issue with it is structural. It does not fall organically in line with the story to this point. It is long and sexless. It helps flesh out Grandma’s character, Karen’s interest in cooking, and gives us a break from the home setting the bulk of the story takes place in. But it is long and sexless. For whole lengthy down-scrolls at a time there is no indication that we are reading bro-sis BDSM incest. I’m not saying axe it, but consider maybe weaving it in more organically with the stuff you’ve already gotten me to care about: sexy crocheting, sexy self-marketing, sexy bro-sis sexual tension, etc. Indeed, this is probably good advice for how to make your bland dialog less bland, too: match it to the flavors/aspects of the dish that are already working. Serve us a more focused dish. Think about what flavors and textures go together. Don’t give me a big steamy scoop of mashed potatoes with my PB&J (returning to the comfort food metaphor from #1). Give me chips. Quick, salty, snacky, yum.
13. “I told her about my time at the bar. When I was done, I stood up.” Quick and snacky, just not quite salty. But getting there.
14. Your description of college is bizarre. An RL (not RA?) that gives couples counseling to their residents? And for three hours a week? Freshman year feeling like high school? … It’s just a little off, is all. I’m reminded of porn stories again, how it’s this weird, stilted simulacrum of reality. But idk, maybe this is what college was like for you. Did you go to a college like this?
15. Whoa, but then the description of the counseling itself feels real and apt. This is insightful for me. Shoot. I think I just peeled back another layer of your onion. These mashed potato moments are therapeutic for you, aren’t they? The protag’s job with Terrence, the grocery trip with Grandma, the couples counseling with Scott … you’re unpacking your own stuff here in some way or another, aren’t you? Maybe it’s nostalgia, maybe it’s current stress, maybe it’s artful self-portraiture, but either way that’s why it feels so intuitive for you to include it. And why you probably keep rolling your eyes and scoffing every time I critique it. These mashed potatoes are your horcruxes. Your babies. Who am I to critique them?
16. I’m burgwad.
17. Nitpick: “She seemed _, but not convinced.” This phrasing occurs twice in short succession on Page 5.
18. The blowjob scene is fun. A little perfunctory, maybe? But maybe only because it’s lacking the BDSM dynamic you’d begun building.
19. Aww, I like Grandma’s monologue about marriage.
20. The photo shoot is a nice tease leading up to the cheesecake scene. I sort of wish it had been business-oriented? Just to keep progressing that part of the plot? But it was still cute and fun and sexy.
21. I’m wowed by how little attention is paid to describing Karen’s pussy, even when she’s pantsless, and yet I still feel like I can see and feel what’s happening and, of course, get off to it. You also don’t write much about how things feel (physically speaking; emotionally, you include a good bit of information!). Your writing isn’t “sensual” in that literal sense. Instead, you place much more emphasis on what the siblings are saying and doing. And it works. What they say and do takes on a kind of hypnotic repetition, almost the textual equivalent of stroking up and down the same fistful of cock, i.e., Karen keeps pleading and Mark keeps chastising, Karen keeps crying and Mark keeps pounding into her. Things gradually escalate, and they cum together at the same time that, presumably, a considerable swath of your readers also cum. Erotica is perhaps the only genre where circular, indulgent writing is not only accepted but prized (during sex scenes, that is). You write splendid sex scenes. I want to fuck Karen. Hell, I want to fuck Mark.
22. I love the progression of their cheesecake scene, by the way. Her tears streaking her makeup and staining the bedcovers is a particularly great observation: emotionally vivid, unique to the moment, and kink-appropriate.
23. Noise-blocking earmuffs. Nice gift. Good brother.
24. I gobbled up those last two pages. The anal. The yarn. The cowgirl. I feel like a lot of otherwise great erotica stories peak at around 70% of the way through, and then either coast until they run out of steam, or else turn into a circus that breaks suspension of disbelief. Your story got better as it went along. One could argue it sagged a bit in the middle? But it’s easy to forgive an uneventful mid-section if the pacing is otherwise brisk, and the payoff is so gratifying.
25. I see that you’ve got a “list of tips” to your name on Lit. I suppose I need to read it. I’m content to critique you, but I humbly admit you’re better at this than me. I loved reading this story. I will be looking into your other work.

EDIT: I forgot to include what I think your sequel should have! You said one thing is obvious. Um. I suppose that would be more BDSM? It's fairly light here. But I wouldn't say no to some analingus, if you're out here granting wishes. Karen's ass is close to Godliness in this story.

SIDE NOTE: After finishing and strongly enjoying your story, I tried another one at random, My Mom Competes With My Stepmom. And dude, it's SO excellent. Fucking hell. You're the real deal, aren't you?

 

[burgwad]

A quick note to those who have requested reviews and and to those who might yet ask for one:

You'll notice I'm taking awhile doing each of these. Apologies. I'm a busy human to begin with, but also everything I do related to erotica I do in secret.

Furthermore, on top of having variable time each day to commit to review, I also find myself drawn to more than just the pieces you've submitted. I also look into what kind of persona you've cultivated here on Lit. Each of you is a minor research endeavor for me, even if all you get to see is my gut reaction to your one piece. I appreciate your patience.

 

[8letters]

MCLS Feedback
:

Thanks so much for doing this. It was very interesting to read what you thought as you read through my story.

I've developed a formula which I/T readers really, really like, which is to start with two family members (typically siblings) who aren't close and then have them steadily fall in love while the readers watch. While the characters are falling in love, they are undergoing their own character arc, growing and developing into the person who is the perfect compliment to the one they are falling in love with. Everything that happens is plausible. And I mix in some creative sex scenes. I think some of your criticism is "give me more of the crochet-BDSM stuff" when I'm building towards an emotionally-satisfying romantic ending.

As for the bland backstory, I don't know. I want Mark and Karen to be normal people, two siblings you could imagine living in your neighborhood. People telling at length about their entire day at work while prepping a chicken casserole is about as normal as you can get.

One thing that might be a part of what you are touching upon - I write porn that I wish my thirteen-year-old me had read. I put life lessons into all of my stories, and this story is "preachy-er" than most. Grandma’s monologue about marriage - that's me preaching. I think readers enjoy it when there's stuff that appeals to their brains in between the scenes that appeal to their crotches.

As for what should be in the sequel, many commenters wanted a scene where Mark makes Karen orgasm.

Thanks again for doing this. You've given me a lot to think about.

 

[Twanquavius]

I love all of your stories

Not one of my most popular, but to me, this is my favorite Incest story that I've written because it infuses several different fetishes into one story. It's written from two perspectives. I love the second half of the story.

Career Mothers -- Hotel Secrets

https://www.literotica.com/s/career-mothers-hotel-secret

 

[HeyAll]

I love all of your stories

At least someone does. Thanks.

 

[Twanquavius]

At least someone does. Thanks.

Oh, stop! My wife and I have literally roleplayed several of them. So hot

 

[burgwad]

Oh, stop! My wife and I have literally roleplayed several of them. So hot

This is ... heartwarming? Way to go, HeyAll.