LGBTQIA+ Daily Vibe II

[ClockworkCourtesan]

Trigger warning....


Despite how much I need them, I really do not like therapists. I find myself walling off and walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing. I am on a prescribed pre-surgery medication routine and Gabapentin really screws with my mental health and magnifies my suicidal thoughts, hence requiring seeing a psychiatrist while on it. I can't ever open up about it because if I say the wrong thing again I am back in inpatient care. Shit's expensive, even with insurance, and the last visit nearly cost me my house. I spend more time talking to my appliances about my actual mental health than any person. And I've told the psychiatrist and therapist and doctors this as well. It's become a back and forth of "we can't help you if you don't talk about it" and "I won't talk about it because I know the consequences." I really do get much better if I can talk about it without judgement or extreme actions. Eh, anyways, I have surgery on Friday and I am super excited and also terrified about it. Wish I had an adult toy to easy a bit of the anxiety.

Wearing: pale yellow nightgown
Listening: Abney Park - I Could Use a Good Brainwashing
Mood: tired, it's 4:30 in the a.m. and I can't sleep, stupid night shift work schedule.

 

[Wag_that_tail86]

Trigger warning....


Despite how much I need them, I really do not like therapists. I find myself walling off and walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing. I am on a prescribed pre-surgery medication routine and Gabapentin really screws with my mental health and magnifies my suicidal thoughts, hence requiring seeing a psychiatrist while on it. I can't ever open up about it because if I say the wrong thing again I am back in inpatient care. Shit's expensive, even with insurance, and the last visit nearly cost me my house. I spend more time talking to my appliances about my actual mental health than any person. And I've told the psychiatrist and therapist and doctors this as well. It's become a back and forth of "we can't help you if you don't talk about it" and "I won't talk about it because I know the consequences." I really do get much better if I can talk about it without judgement or extreme actions. Eh, anyways, I have surgery on Friday and I am super excited and also terrified about it. Wish I had an adult toy to easy a bit of the anxiety.

Wearing: pale yellow nightgown
Listening: Abney Park - I Could Use a Good Brainwashing
Mood: tired, it's 4:30 in the a.m. and I can't sleep, stupid night shift work schedule.

It's important to have someone to talk to, there are always people here who will listen without judgement......and I'm sure someone can suggest how to improvise an adult toy

Good luck with your surgery.

 

[stickygirl]

Reminds me of evaluations the psych gatekeepers made before they’d advance your case as being trans. One of those was dressing and acting totally girly. You’d be frightened to say the wrong thing to a counsellor when you were looking for support but they’d jump on it saying it suggested you weren’t trans.

Fortunately the gatekeeping was becoming more realistic because , you know, how could a trans woman study physics and wear jeans?! I should’ve been doing sociology and in a frock!

So we had a sweet spot for a few years and then along came JKR and her money backing the terfs and buying the labour govt.

/rant
Wearing: not jeans
Mood: better after a breezy walk
Listening to P!nk

 

[liqueur]

Despite how much I need them, I really do not like therapists. I find myself walling off and walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing. I am on a prescribed pre-surgery medication routine and Gabapentin really screws with my mental health and magnifies my suicidal thoughts, hence requiring seeing a psychiatrist while on it. I can't ever open up about it because if I say the wrong thing again I am back in inpatient care.

I hope you find a good therapist. I have an excellent one. I rarely have suicidal thoughts anymore, but I do get times when I'm just so tired, and then I start thinking about death. All I have to say to my therapist is “These are just thoughts. I have no intention of following them through”— and she actually takes me at my word. No threats of hospitalization or anything else. She just listens, and then talks about coping strategies. (Real and practical strategies, I might add.)

I hope you can find someone like that.

Just a side note: I've been on gabapentin for about 8 years, due to spinal fractures and nerve damage. For me at least, the suicidal ideation wore off after a few months.

 

[stickygirl]

Suicide is a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be. Rational people act very weirdly when you mention the big S like you were about to give berth or had just tipped over a bucket of water.
Not being able to say things out loud forces people into a corner or at least that’s how it feels.

 

[liqueur]

Suicide is a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be. Rational people act very weirdly when you mention the big S like you were about to give berth or had just tipped over a bucket of water.
Not being able to say things out loud forces people into a corner or at least that’s how it feels.

Absolutely

Otherwise perfectly rational people also get very weird about Death with Dignity, or Physician Assisted Suicide, or whatever phrase is used. Some of them think it's immoral to “give up.” Others think it's a slippery slope from there to mandatory euthanasia. I suppose I have enough of the cynic in me, with regard to governments, to actual give some credit to the latter concern. And yet even so, if I have some terrible degenerative condition— say brain cancer— I don't want anyone else to be able to say that my body has to outlive my capacity for rational thought, if I choose otherwise.

 

[stickygirl]

^^

Just needed to add give ‘birth’ not give berth! Thats the sailor in me talking

 

[liqueur]

Just needed to add give ‘birth’ not give berth! Thats the sailor in me talking

I never was a very good proofreader. I just read it as you intended it, and sailed right along without noticing.

 

[Zrosey]

Trigger warning....


Despite how much I need them, I really do not like therapists. I find myself walling off and walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing. I am on a prescribed pre-surgery medication routine and Gabapentin really screws with my mental health and magnifies my suicidal thoughts, hence requiring seeing a psychiatrist while on it. I can't ever open up about it because if I say the wrong thing again I am back in inpatient care. Shit's expensive, even with insurance, and the last visit nearly cost me my house. I spend more time talking to my appliances about my actual mental health than any person. And I've told the psychiatrist and therapist and doctors this as well. It's become a back and forth of "we can't help you if you don't talk about it" and "I won't talk about it because I know the consequences." I really do get much better if I can talk about it without judgement or extreme actions. Eh, anyways, I have surgery on Friday and I am super excited and also terrified about it. Wish I had an adult toy to easy a bit of the anxiety.

Wearing: pale yellow nightgown
Listening: Abney Park - I Could Use a Good Brainwashing
Mood: tired, it's 4:30 in the a.m. and I can't sleep, stupid night shift work schedule.

Good wishes & loving thoughts your way!
I know talking w some sorta anonymous person online not at all like facetime, but feel welcome to DM me if you wanna chat. I probably don't have answers, but I'll always listen an respond

 

[_valkyrie_]

How's everyone doing?
These are perilous times for us queer folks. I've felt unsettled for a couple of weeks now, and of course the events of these past few days have not helped.

It hasn't been easy to find a calm, peaceful mindset as I've read up on the reactions after what has gone down in Utah.
Today tho, I took advantage of the chilly but not rainy weather and found a place to sit / ponder in the country. For me, that helps.
I hope y'all have somewhere you can center yourselves too.
Hugs

Wearing: fleece an tights
Listening to: quiet in this corner of the world
Mood: happy/ introspective/ deeply appreciative of where I am
Drinking: hot green tea

Thank you for sharing your feelings; it’s important to connect during challenging times. On the subject of unsettled emotions, I wage it’s a shared experience for many of us, right now. It’s heartening to hear that you took the time to find a peaceful spot in nature; those moments of reflection can be so grounding.

Whenever I find myself restless, I take solace in nature, as well, on the road, my bike and unplanned destinations. Taking a step back from the noise helps immensely.

 

[_valkyrie_]

Trigger warning....


Despite how much I need them, I really do not like therapists. I find myself walling off and walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing. I am on a prescribed pre-surgery medication routine and Gabapentin really screws with my mental health and magnifies my suicidal thoughts, hence requiring seeing a psychiatrist while on it. I can't ever open up about it because if I say the wrong thing again I am back in inpatient care. Shit's expensive, even with insurance, and the last visit nearly cost me my house. I spend more time talking to my appliances about my actual mental health than any person. And I've told the psychiatrist and therapist and doctors this as well. It's become a back and forth of "we can't help you if you don't talk about it" and "I won't talk about it because I know the consequences." I really do get much better if I can talk about it without judgement or extreme actions. Eh, anyways, I have surgery on Friday and I am super excited and also terrified about it. Wish I had an adult toy to easy a bit of the anxiety.

Wearing: pale yellow nightgown
Listening: Abney Park - I Could Use a Good Brainwashing
Mood: tired, it's 4:30 in the a.m. and I can't sleep, stupid night shift work schedule.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. The honesty and the vulnerability it takes to express how you feel about therapy and your current situation is a strong indicator of your wish for change, despite the adversity. It’s completely understandable to have mixed feelings, especially under the stress of managing your mental health and medication side effects.

Your courage in acknowledging your struggles and your desire for open, judgment-free dialogue is truly commendable. It’s clear that you are seeking a path forward that allows you to feel safe and supported. Keep advocating for yourself and explore options that foster a more comfortable environment for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

As you approach your surgery on Friday, it’s normal to feel both excitement and apprehension. I wish you all the best for your procedure and trust that it will lead you toward a healthier future. It is more than okay to seek support in ways that feel safe and manageable for you.

 

[_valkyrie_]

I don't have much to add at this point, still catching up with the thread, but 'giving (wide) berth' in regards to some individuals is a lovely advice to follow and actually very fitting to personal situations at the moment.

Listening to: VOILÀ - The Autopsy of You & Me
Mood: Distilling self-entiled holier-than-thou know-it-all personalities from my workday out of my system.
Wearing: Plain grey pajama pants, black and green racing team hoodie

 

[Zrosey]

Thank you for sharing your feelings; it’s important to connect during challenging times. On the subject of unsettled emotions, I wage it’s a shared experience for many of us, right now. It’s heartening to hear that you took the time to find a peaceful spot in nature; those moments of reflection can be so grounding.

Whenever I find myself restless, I take solace in nature, as well, on the road, my bike and unplanned destinations. Taking a step back from the noise helps immensely.

Another way of reaching a level of peace just happened to me!
I just penned off a letter to the editor at my local paper with my thoughts and concerns of the event in Utah and how the government in this country is handling it.
Never expected to feel peaceful from this, and maybe it's better described as satisfaction.
Now we'll see if it gets published!
I do feel some need of being around others on the spectrum and how often words don't need to be exchanged to know there is a common bond.
As my town is really small I don't have much of that here, but next week I go to the big city, so that'll help

Wearing: yet again....my fav skirt an fleece top
Mood: slightly apprehensive, but mostly happy
Listening to: Nirvana, smells like teen spirit!

 

[_valkyrie_]

Another way of reaching a level of peace just happened to me!
I just penned off a letter to the editor at my local paper with my thoughts and concerns of the event in Utah and how the government in this country is handling it.
Never expected to feel peaceful from this, and maybe it's better described as satisfaction.
Now we'll see if it gets published!
I do feel some need of being around others on the spectrum and how often words don't need to be exchanged to know there is a common bond.
As my town is really small I don't have much of that here, but next week I go to the big city, so that'll help

Wearing: yet again....my fav skirt an fleece top
Mood: slightly apprehensive, but mostly happy
Listening to: Nirvana, smells like teen spirit!

I wholeheartedly agree that expressing ourselves can lead to a sense of peace or satisfaction, even in the face of difficult issues. Writing out your concerns and feelings can serve as a powerful form of mindfulness (don't quote me on this, but it feels appropriate - correct me by all means if I'm wrong), as it allows us to step back from the chaos of our thoughts and sort through them in a more structured way, ultimately leading to clarity and grounding of oneself.

In a world filled with noise and constant stimulation, taking the time to articulate our thoughts can bring a sense of order to the confusion, I believe. Your letter will not only serve as a platform for your voice but also a therapeutic exercise for you. That is an invaluable dual benefit, in my opinion.

I verily hope it gets published.

 

[Zrosey]

Suicide is a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be. Rational people act very weirdly when you mention the big S like you were about to give berth or had just tipped over a bucket of water.
Not being able to say things out loud forces people into a corner or at least that’s how it feels.

OMG....that was like a millstone around my neck when I was seeing my therapist.
When I started therapy, they made it clear if I was imagining suicide they would need to alert the authorities.
I had spent much time pre-transition planning this, but there was no way I could ever bring that to the light of day.
I often wonder after my experience in counseling how many others struggle in the same way and maybe don't make it because the frustration of not being able to talk it out.
I skirted around directly bringing up suicide by talking of my bouts of depression, and I always wondered if the therapist saw through my 'code words'

I was really lucky because after I started medical transition all my thoughts of suicide ended.

 

[Zrosey]

as it allows us to step back from the chaos of our thoughts and sort through them in a more structured way, ultimately leading to clarity and grounding of oneself.

I think you hit it right there!
Before I put my thoughts down into words, I very much felt chaos.
The process of thinking it out to be able to write my letter gave me the clarity and resulting peace.

 

[wetsawdust]

I'm just gonna jump in, because why not.
It's been almost a year since I came out and moved out. After a very tough, desolate winter, spring brought hope, but I was still too fragile, and I broke a couple of times. Played with a few guys, had some fun, but struggled to pinpoint what I wanted in a queer relationship.
Late spring, I started being attracted to women again....but in a different way. First it was admiration. Then, I wanted to be them.....some dysphoria set in. I found myself being really attracted to lesbians. Talked it out with my lesbian friends. Decided not to worry about it....don't define it. Just live, and be. So that's what I did. I started working a few women's and genderless things into my wardrobe. Fully leaning into my feminine energy, yet still presenting myself as masculine (as masculine as I can be....lol. I wear a lot of very colorful and expressive stuff to work, with some very subtle easter eggs in there for those with awareness) I decided to hit the dating scene with no expectations, no agenda....I was, for the first time ever, content with myself, so I wasn't looking to fill a void.
I went on a few dates with guys, and it was great......but I didn't have that urge to follow up with date #2, not because of them, but because of me.....not enough of a spark, I guess.
Then I expanded my search to women, just to see what kind of cool queer women were on there, if any. In the course of a couple of days, I had good conversations going with two different bi gals. I went on dates with both of them on consecutive days. It felt gooood....but! I felt my queerness even more so.....it felt like a same sex date, but in a different context.
Fast forward a couple of months. I have been seeing one of those women nearly every weekend, and our vibe is amazing. The sex is the best, and longest, and wettest I've ever had. We have love for each other, and the dynamic of our relationship is very queer and uninhibited. My spicy gay side is still very much there, and while I am generally a vers top with guys, I just want to bottom for her so bad. I go down on her for hours a day.....our bodies just click like nothing either of us has ever experienced. This wild, amazing ride just keeps getting wilder and weirder, and I'm 110% here for it.

Yeah, the state of things is fucked. But the universe continues to smile. You just need to get out of your own way and see it sometimes.

 

[stickygirl]

I read today that president Macron of France is going to provide proof that his wife is absolutely, definitely a woman. You couldn’t make this stuff up. It follows a claim by some loudmouth slapper in the US with nothing but hate in her wooden heart.
In a way this kind of thing adds weight to the trans argument in the uk. People have been pointing out that it’s men who are the danger to women, not trans women and that it’ll lead to butch women being ejected from facilities and accused of being trans.

Sorry this probably should have gone in News but…

Wearing: explorer pants fleeces
Listening to: this effing wind all night that’s still gusting insanely
Mood: snotty

 

[Zrosey]

I read today that president Macron of France is going to provide proof that his wife is absolutely, definitely a woman. You couldn’t make this stuff up. It follows a claim by some loudmouth slapper in the US with nothing but hate in her wooden heart.

I wish Macron would just give the finger to these loudmouths over here in the US. Nobody should need to prove anything and the more folks acquiesce to the bullies, the more they will demand.

Wearing: jeans, a fun thrifted top with a light sweater. it got rainy an chilly here!
Listening to: KEXP {where the music matters)
Mood: ooookkkaayy

 

[Zrosey]

I have surgery on Friday and I am super excited and also terrified about it.

Good thoughts to you CC I will say a word for you today an tomorrow!

 

[stickygirl]

Good thoughts to you CC I will say a word for you today a tomorrow!

I’ll second that! Take the pills, do what you’re told and picture yourself in six months time xx

 

[liqueur]

, I have surgery on Friday and I am super excited and also terrified about it.

Thinking of you.

 

[coati]

OMG....that was like a millstone around my neck when I was seeing my therapist.
When I started therapy, they made it clear if I was imagining suicide they would need to alert the authorities.
I had spent much time pre-transition planning this, but there was no way I could ever bring that to the light of day.
I often wonder after my experience in counseling how many others struggle in the same way and maybe don't make it because the frustration of not being able to talk it out.
I skirted around directly bringing up suicide by talking of my bouts of depression, and I always wondered if the therapist saw through my 'code words'

I was really lucky because after I started medical transition all my thoughts of suicide ended.

I like this thread because of honest accounts like that, Zrosey.

I recall the first posts of StickyGirl that I read and her sense of relief just to be herself. Something so basic and honest as that has become so rare on Lit.

These are uplifting stories for everyone, not just for trans people.

 

[ClockworkCourtesan]

FFS is complete. Not in any pain. Minimal discomfort from catheter and stents. Was under for an extra 3.5 hours due to blood loss. Will be under observation for the next 24 hours. I'd post a picture, but I am an absolute bloody mess, literally.

 

[RoanMtn]

Despite how much I need them, I really do not like therapists. I find myself walling off and walking on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing.

My old therapist retired and I have been reluctant to see a new one. She was very understanding. She encouraged me to masturbate (I haven't had sex in 20 years, and felt shame and guilt when I did masturbate) and said it would be good for me. Then out of nowhere I developed these fantasies way out of left field. I started wearing panties, shaving myself, bought a dildo and butt plug and having sissy fantasies. She was very supportive and said I was doing nothing wrong, I wasn't harming anyone, etc. I'm afraid to see a new therapist as she might think I'm some kind of weirdo.

It would be nice to talk to someone about this sissy persona, but I'm hesitant to reach out.