Letting Go...

[EroticApology]

Hello Everyone,

I've always been the one in control. But although I've always been the control freak I'm actually discovering I take more pleasure being submissive. Now that I've met this great guy and I feel a desire to be submissive to him for some reason I'm having a difficult time releasing that control. No matter how hard I try to let it go I simply can't.

Can anyone give me some suggestions that this is really about. Is it a trust factor, an attraction factor...what?

 

[Ex Princess]

Hello Everyone,

I've always been the one in control. But although I've always been the control freak I'm actually discovering I take more pleasure being submissive. Now that I've met this great guy and I feel a desire to be submissive to him for some reason I'm having a difficult time releasing that control. No matter how hard I try to let it go I simply can't.

Can anyone give me some suggestions that this is really about. Is it a trust factor, an attraction factor...what?

Your man has to exhibit absolute confidence to prove to you that he can be in control of the situation. It is difficult to submit to someone who lacks that confidence.

Trust is a HUGE part in submission to another person. If you don't have full trust in that person, how can you fully give yourself to them?

 

[EroticApology]

Ex Princess,

Thank you for your response.

Its interesting that you would lean on confidence being the issue. I've been telling him I'm not exactly sure what the underline issue might be...but for some reason I'm not sensing confidence. I feel like a blood hound sniffing out someone's weakness. I keep telling him I can't seen to release self to someone that doesn't have that confidence. He says he has it...but I just don't feel it or see it. I wondered if it could be an issue with attraction but I knew that wasn't it.

 

[fuckmeat]

It's not just confidence, it's competence. Guys who want to be dominant/sadistic don't necessarily know how to go about that without causing too much pain/bruising or worse, an embarrassing trip to hospital at 3am. If he is new to dominance he needs to take things steadily and not run before he can walk but at the same time, that's no reason to have zero faith in him.

You both have to be on the same page as regards what is and is not on the table here. Not all subs are masochistic. Not all subs are aroused by objectification/humiliation. Not all masochists are submissive.

Your guy needs a clear idea of what you mean when you say 'submission.' He also needs to know what your limits are. Google a BDSM Checklist so you guys can both compare notes and find out what your turn ons/offs are.

Agree a safeword. This is a word unrelated to sex that stops play (e.g. Nathan Fillion's 'Apples' in the series Castle) so you can say 'no' and mean 'yes' or express pain etc without your guy getting confused about what you're really consenting to and enjoying.

I have to say though that telling your man he isn't confident enough isn't exactly going to put him in his alpha zone. People develop their own style of dominance. I'm actually wondering whether you're as submissive as you think you are because what you're saying here is 'you can dominate me but only if you dominate me exactly the way I want to be dominated.' That's not so much submission as it is playing out a specific scenario that you've been fantasising about. If you make this too much about you, all your man will wind up doing is serving you and your fantasies, making you the one with all the control, if that makes sense.

Submission (as opposed to being sexually masochistic) is all about focusing on the dominant's pleasure and perversions. Your own wants and needs should become secondary to his. It shouldn't matter that he's not the embodiment of whatever you've been fantasising about. It should matter that he wants your submission and that you want to serve him sexually.

I'm really not getting that impression from you from this thread.

What I'm thinking is that by him lacking 'confidence', you mean you want to be subdued rather than to submit freely. If that's the case, that's a whole other ball game and one you should be discussing frankly with your guy. Forceful sex and rapeplay are really not the same thing as consensual dominance and submission.

 

[EroticApology]

Fuckmeat,

Thank you for your response. It was very helpful and has made me do some serious thinking.

At this point I'm not sure how to define this...all I know is what I'm feeling. At this point I'm not even sure if submission is really the issue or if its moreso a fantasy as you suggested.

Since you know better than me, I ask that you bare with me for a moment. This might sound a bit immature or silly....BUT, I'm not sure if the issue might tie into attraction or chemistry. When one thinks of the vanilla world, things are basic. First we become physically attracted to a person and then we get to know the mentality of the person. For there we decide if we want to become intimate with the person.

In my particular case physical attraction wasn't the focal point. Actually physical attraction wasn't there but the mental attraction was the biggest arousal for me. That mental attraction was a response to his level of control and my desires to do whatever he wants me to do. I can say my biggest pleasure is his pleasure. I feel incredible protected by him and he respects me more than any man I've ever dated. His level of protection of me is beyond something I have ever experienced.

The issue is I can't release my control of self to him no matter how I try. Moreso, I feel he can't get me to release my control....and why is that is what bothers me. I already know without a doubt I want to release self because I will finally be in my comfort zone. I just can't let go....

 

[EroticApology]

ExPrincess,

I do wonder if it is a trust issue...but for some reason I keep feeling in my gut that its a confidence issue.

 

[mrs_windsor]

It took me awhile to let go while having sex to be honest. It's not something that happens over night. The more you have sex with him the easier it will be to let go and just let yourself enjoy every bit of pleasure. I would say everyone here has given some good advice.

 

[EroticApology]

Mrs. Windsor,

Thank you. I agree, everyone has given great advice.

Although the BDSM world is clearly defined, I'm learning that I have to define my own BDSM world to fit my relationship.

I just feel he's not aggessive enough with me...

 

[fuckmeat]

Fuckmeat,

Thank you for your response. It was very helpful and has made me do some serious thinking.

At this point I'm not sure how to define this...all I know is what I'm feeling. At this point I'm not even sure if submission is really the issue or if its moreso a fantasy as you suggested.

Since you know better than me, I ask that you bare with me for a moment. This might sound a bit immature or silly....BUT, I'm not sure if the issue might tie into attraction or chemistry. When one thinks of the vanilla world, things are basic. First we become physically attracted to a person and then we get to know the mentality of the person. For there we decide if we want to become intimate with the person.

In my particular case physical attraction wasn't the focal point. Actually physical attraction wasn't there but the mental attraction was the biggest arousal for me. That mental attraction was a response to his level of control and my desires to do whatever he wants me to do. I can say my biggest pleasure is his pleasure. I feel incredible protected by him and he respects me more than any man I've ever dated. His level of protection of me is beyond something I have ever experienced.

The issue is I can't release my control of self to him no matter how I try. Moreso, I feel he can't get me to release my control....and why is that is what bothers me. I already know without a doubt I want to release self because I will finally be in my comfort zone. I just can't let go....

I don't think this is something he can get you to do. The love and trust is there but you're still not secure enough to completely let go. Only you can know why that is. Are there bad experiences in your past that might have something to do with your need for a degree of self control? Does having a safeword in place not allow you to retain enough control to be able to relinquish everything else? That to me is the whole point of a safeword.

 

[paulthewetcd]

Switching

I have been both sub and Dom.
The relationship with my partner is key: trust, communication, comfort, eroticism, safety, and intimacy.
Each relationship requires a different part of my psyche to be emphasized and challenged.

 

[Roc_crawl]

Mrs. Windsor,

Thank you. I agree, everyone has given great advice.

Although the BDSM world is clearly defined, I'm learning that I have to define my own BDSM world to fit my relationship.

I just feel he's not aggessive enough with me...

The last line in this statement says a lot...communicate this to him so he understands.

My Mrs. likes some occasional aggressive behavior from me and her lovers...but only when she asks for it...so I wait for her to ask. I've tried some spontaneous hair pulling and 9 out of 10 times I get a quick, "Easy there Mister!".

Ours is not a lack of communication, but the very narrow instances where she likes some aggression. And when she's ready she'll tell me or us to pull her hair, fuck her face, slap that ass...whatever she's in the mood for.

You deciding what "aggressive enough" means is key to your success...

Follow the lead of the other posters and enjoy the journey.

 

[satindesire]

I'm getting the feeling that there's a fundamental lack of explicitly clear communication in your relationship when it comes to this situation, and a severe lack of realistic expectations on your part which is the major component of your problem right now. This isn't a bash on you, so bear with me.

You want him to be More Aggressive. Okay, that's cool. But, you cannot expect him to read your mind and make it so perfect that you magically "lose control".

People don't just "lose control". We're human beings, as adults we are always in control of our faculties because that's how we function in society, we have to be in control of ourselves to make conscious decisions like getting up in the morning and brushing our teeth and going to work, and all the rest of the minor choices we make. We make so many choices, as a matter of fact, that many people FORGET that we make choices all the time, and become numb to how conscious we are of the directions we take in life. Perhaps you've been inundated by false porn ideals, which portray the "submissive" as someone who "loses themselves" in this fairytale world of butterflies and floggers, but submissives in REALITY actually have to choose to release their control. It isn't stolen from them, like you seem to expect. You give it up willingly, consciously.

If you really want to give up control, then just do it. Don't expect him to take it from you. That's not how healthy submissive consensual BDSM relationships work. Stop expecting him to create an environment where you magically lose yourself, because you are not a robot and cannot suddenly have your "hard drive" rewritten.

Chose to submit, and do it.