Letters

[His_kitty]

Dear Satan,


Why is it that you keep sending me those dam good for nothing, demons who muck everything up? Please, find enclosed my quarterly report of aqcuired souls.

DA

Dear Darkest of Angels,

The goal of demons is to muck everything up, so I am pleased to hear they are doing their job.

By the by, I have taken note that your quota of souls are a bit lower than your usual personal best. See what you can do about fixing this ASAP.

Hellishly yours,

kitty
Personal Assistant to the King of light and the Prince of darkness

 

[DarkAngel]

Dear Darkest of Angels,

The goal of demons is to muck everything up, so I am pleased to hear they are doing their job.

By the by, I have taken note that your quota of souls are a bit lower than your usual personal best. See what you can do about fixing this ASAP.

Hellishly yours,

kitty
Personal Assistant to the King of light and the Prince of darkness

Dear Kitty,

I am sorry that the quota is lower this time than last. I have been busy with finding the perfect soul.

If I have to deal with one more of those stupid demons, I am going to personally return them via Fed Ex, with some white powder.

I also feel that after much thought that I am in need of a personal holiday. Can this be arranged? As well i would like to put in a request to have someone protected.

~DA

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear person who need not be named,

You are an idiot.

Yours with the deepest contempt,

- O.

PS; may something slightly unpleasant happen to you, like an onion falling on your head.

 

[His_kitty]

Dear Kitty,

I am sorry that the quota is lower this time than last. I have been busy with finding the perfect soul.

If I have to deal with one more of those stupid demons, I am going to personally return them via Fed Ex, with some white powder.

I also feel that after much thought that I am in need of a personal holiday. Can this be arranged? As well i would like to put in a request to have someone protected.

~DA

Dearest Angel of Darkness,

Sadly there is no such thing as the perfect soul, but there are plenty of others that are certainly up to high standards... you just need to open your eyes and look closer.

As to returning them via Fed Ex, I'm afraid that will not work, the last guy whined and moaned about the bit of singeing to the back of his shorts so they pulled their contract with us. It's okay though, we'll get the inconsiderate cry babies back... as you know we have wonderful methods.

A vacation may be just what you need and who knows while your on it you might run into that near perfect soul that you seek.

For your request to be considered I must know who and why they need our protection, they may not be suitable to our needs and goals.

Forever fanning the flames,

kitts

 

[DarkAngel]

Dear person who need not be named,

You are an idiot.

Yours with the deepest contempt,

- O.

PS; may something slightly unpleasant happen to you, like an onion falling on your head.

Dear O,

I have to agree....

DA

 

[DarkAngel]

Dearest Angel of Darkness,

Sadly there is no such thing as the perfect soul, but there are plenty of others that are certainly up to high standards... you just need to open your eyes and look closer.

As to returning them via Fed Ex, I'm afraid that will not work, the last guy whined and moaned about the bit of singeing to the back of his shorts so they pulled their contract with us. It's okay though, we'll get the inconsiderate cry babies back... as you know we have wonderful methods.

A vacation may be just what you need and who knows while your on it you might run into that near perfect soul that you seek.

For your request to be considered I must know who and why they need our protection, they may not be suitable to our needs and goals.

Forever fanning the flames,

kitts

What.. no perfect soul.. Well there goes that promotion...

As for the rest.. I quit.. So I am going to jump off a bridge now..

 

[His_kitty]

Dear O and DA,

I humbly ask for your forgiveness.


I was hungry but that doesn't forgive my selfishness for eating that last piece of pizza.

If it makes things better between us all, it wasn't very good anyways. The crust was hard and chewy, the sauce dry and tasteless and the veggies were sadly not up to par.


Blushingly yours,

kitters

 

[His_kitty]

What.. no perfect soul.. Well there goes that promotion...

As for the rest.. I quit.. So I am going to jump off a bridge now..

Dear Mr. Angel the quitter,


You know perfectly well that we do not allow anyone to quit but we welcome the visit from you.


Sweating away,

kitts

 

[DarkAngel]

Dear Mr. Angel the quitter,


You know perfectly well that we do not allow anyone to quit but we welcome the visit from you.


Sweating away,

kitts

Dear Kitts,

i have accepted a opening with the bottle depot! So, I ahve to leave the service.. Plus, the pay stinks any ways.. and I can't seem to find my head anymore..

Please be advised that I have appointed one of those stupid demons you keep sending to carry on the business..

~DA

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear DA,

I have your head over here on this here silver platter.

Yours with some inconvenient bloodstains,

- O

 

[His_kitty]

Dear Kitts,

i have accepted a opening with the bottle depot! So, I ahve to leave the service.. Plus, the pay stinks any ways.. and I can't seem to find my head anymore..

Please be advised that I have appointed one of those stupid demons you keep sending to carry on the business..

~DA

Dear Lost Angel,


Not everything is about the money, but all to do with the terrific benefits and rewards. I'm sorry that you are leaving us feeling as though we have not met your standards of employment.

We (I) have no need to send anyone to take care of things, we handle that quite well on our own. But we do appreciate your consideration in trying to find a replacement.

Your partner in evilness,

kitts

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Kitts,

The pizza was yours anyway. I had a barrel of cheeseballs i had been hiding under that cloth to pretend it was an end-table.

I feel guilty about it now.

Would you like some?

 

[Bidin~Time]

Dear Kitts,

The pizza was yours anyway. I had a barrel of cheeseballs i had been hiding under that cloth to pretend it was an end-table.

I feel guilty about it now.

Would you like some?

Dear Odaddy,

I'm terribly upset to discover you to be a horder of cheeseballs. What next? Eclairs?? Say it ain't so Oh Sexy Cloaked One!

Sincerely,

emi

 

[Oscuridad]

emi,

The eclairs are freely distributed. I was saving the cheeseballs for a party, but was failing to resist nibbing on them.

In that way they kinda remind me of you.

Yours with the munchies,

- O

 

[His_kitty]

My darling O,

Do you know that I layed awake all night because the guilt ate me alive? That I haven't been able to eat a bite since?


I had even briefly considered running away and hiding because the shame was too great.

I'm so upset and disappointed in your behaviour! Would you have ever confessed had I not to you? *sniff*




Mmkay now toss me a few of those balls cause I'm starving.


Hoggishly yours,

kitts

 

[DarkAngel]

Dear Cheeseball hider,

That is mean!

~DA

 

[Bidin~Time]

emi,

The eclairs are freely distributed. I was saving the cheeseballs for a party, but was failing to resist nibbing on them.

In that way they kinda remind me of you.

Yours with the munchies,

- O

Cloaked One,

nibbing is not only welcomed, but encouraged!

emi

 

[Vilac]

Dear Protector and Healer of Animals,

I don't suppose you could find it in your imminant wisdom to send a few well-intentioned thoughts and waves of healing magic to my poor, innocent, violently sick 4 month old puppy, could you?

If I have to endure one more evening of projectile vomiting and puppy diarrhea, I may have to consider putting him out of his misery myself.

The only saving grace is that the Vet actually had antibiotics that the pup *likes, therefore preventing me from having to force it down his gullet. For this I am thankful.

Looking forward to a full night's sleep,
Eddie's Master

 

[Oscuridad]

My darling O,

Do you know that I layed awake all night because the guilt ate me alive? That I haven't been able to eat a bite since?


I had even briefly considered running away and hiding because the shame was too great.

I'm so upset and disappointed in your behaviour! Would you have ever confessed had I not to you? *sniff*




Mmkay now toss me a few of those balls cause I'm starving.


Hoggishly yours,

kitts

Dear Kitts,

*Hands over a bowlful*

I'm sorry. I was only keeping them for your housewarming.
Please forgive me for being weak and opening them early.

Yours in total contrition,

- O

 

[Oscuridad]

Cloaked One,

nibbing is not only welcomed, but encouraged!

emi

Hide under a tablecloth and I'll be there in a minute

 

[amelia]

Dear Protector and Healer of Animals,

I don't suppose you could find it in your imminant wisdom to send a few well-intentioned thoughts and waves of healing magic to my poor, innocent, violently sick 4 month old puppy, could you?

If I have to endure one more evening of projectile vomiting and puppy diarrhea, I may have to consider putting him out of his misery myself.

The only saving grace is that the Vet actually had antibiotics that the pup *likes, therefore preventing me from having to force it down his gullet. For this I am thankful.

Looking forward to a full night's sleep,
Eddie's Master

Dear Eddie's Master:

You're earning points in puppy heaven for putting up with that. Sorry it's been rough. Hope eddie gets better soon.

love (and with much delight that i don't have to clean up puppy spew),

Amelia

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Cheeseball hider,

That is mean!

~DA

Dear DA,

You are in no position to complain. Go fetch me my slippers.

- O

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Amelia,

How many fingers am I holding up?

Yours with doubt over your psychic prowess,

- O

 

[Vilac]

Dear Eddie's Master:

You're earning points in puppy heaven for putting up with that. Sorry it's been rough. Hope eddie gets better soon.

love (and with much delight that i don't have to clean up puppy spew),

Amelia

Dear Bedila,

I can relate to the "puppy spew" remark. Luckily for me, he's only made me clean up vomit in the house. The other "end" has been doing it's business outdoors. (Up to three times an hour every night).

And...if there is a Puppy Heaven, I'm sure I'll be stuck there with the pooper scooper.

Yours in Puppy Puke,
V~

 

[perks]

Dear Patrick,

Liar, Liar, Plants for hire cracks me up. And so do most of the other things you say.

love,

spongebobperky