Letters

[Nora]

Dearest Nora,



Spelling Buddy

Dearest Red_Rose,

Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you lately that boys are stupid? If not, you should talk to SVP. That's a kid who knows what they're talkin' 'bout.

Nora.

 

[Guest]

Dear Psycho headjob,

I don't have any pie for you, but I do have a big fat knuckle sammich. Grr.

Love,
sweetness and light

Dearest Sweetness and light,

I wish you would let me live with you.

I want to brush your hair and learn about knuckle sammiches.

Sincerely,

Crushing on ya

 

[Shadowann2]

Dear Former You,
Please stop bringing up the past. I made a choice to move on and not continue our relationsip in that way. If you want to stay my friend, you have to stop bringing it up! I've moved on, so should you!

Never Was Yours,
Shadwann2

 

[TWB]

Dear Red Rose,

Not all boys are stupid, but if you have Nora and SLG around, the matter is likely moot.

Sincerely yours,

A lesbian trapped in a man's body.

 

[Lasz]

Dear Ohio State Buckeyes

Please beat Miami in Tempe. I really want to see them lose. They dont deserve to win. Plus I want to see the Big Ten win the national championship.

Love

Laz

 

[Shadowann2]

Dear Laz,
I live in Tempe and will be at the game. I'm sure my cheering will help Ohio win!

Happily,
Shadwann2

 

[TWB]

Dear Laz,

Will you put me down as signing that letter also?

Sincerely with ya,

TWB

 

[superlittlegirl]

Dear Crushing,

I will let you brush my hair, and I'll teach you all I know about knuckle sammiches. (Which isn't a whole lot because I have never committed a violent act in my life. But don't tell anyone, because maybe I've got them fooled.) I have a superbly devious imagination. And I really want to commit a violent act sometimes. I think we could have lots of fun contemplating innovations in violence. It could be a sinister slumber party.

Won't you come?
Fluffy Evil Bunny

Dearest Sweetness and light,

I wish you would let me live with you.

I want to brush your hair and learn about knuckle sammiches.

Sincerely,

Crushing on ya

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Nora,

Were the almost empty bowl of cherries and remnants of home-made whipped cream yours? I only ask because they were in the darndest places all over the bedclothes. I finished the cream BTW, it was nummy.

Dipped in chocolate for your amusement,

- O

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Sitting Chica,

Please find one slushie in a thermally-insulated travel mug upon your front doorstep.

Was unable to deliver in person due to urgent call from HQ that the Naked Horde had picked out a particularly sickly shade of green for the mess hall. Must return immediately and make them see reason.

In case you noticed, yes we are all now wearing tu-tus as stipulated as part of our terms for safe passage with said horde. I do plan however to protest the terms as several officers who shall remain nameless were pinched suggestively during the delivery operation.

Finally, I'm sure the slushie will no nothing to stop you being hot.

Yours in frilly pinkness,

Ground Commander
Slushie Delivery Service

 

[amelia]

Dear Ground Commander, Slushie Delivery Service:

i ordered cherry and you brought me cherry cola! *double blech and a half* you must be flogged.

yours in pain and humiliation,
amelia

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Amelia,

Regret to decline your invitation for a flogging as am locked in heated debate with naked savages over the exact differences between pink and mauve.

Will dispatch a suicide squad to deliver the cherry as ordered.

Yours with a snowblower in my face yet again,

Ground Commander
SDS

 

[TWB]

Dear Amelia

You are so HOT.

Love and Kisses,

TWB

 

[amelia]

Dear Amelia

You are so HOT.

Love and Kisses,

TWB

Dear Tight White Bootay:

Not as hot as you!

burnin for you,
amelia

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear SDS

Why does slushie delivery only bring you heartache?

Ground Commander

 

[amelia]

Ground Commander, SDS:

no excuses..get here now!

waiting in latex,
amelia aka your mistress

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Amelia,

Am camped upon your doorstep with a verified cherry slushie.
Please admit me before the remaining berserkers get wind of it.

I think I can hold out here another minute or two but no latex... I mean Later.

Yours in anticipation of a successful delivery,

Ground Commander
SDS

 

[difguy]

Dear Mr. Movie Director,

I am a long time movie-goer, and I enjoy many of them. However, I would appreciate if you and your fellow movie-makers would do one favor for me. Could you please stop casting Keanu Reeves in movies that ask him to be something other than Bill or Ted? His acting skills are minimal and it makes me puke to watch him on screen.

Thank You,
Emoodie

Dear Eumenides:

Amen.

And when That Seventies Show finishes it's run, I don't want to hear from Ashton Kutcher again either.

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Amelia,

Am camped upon your doorstep with a verified cherry slushie.
Please admit me before the remaining berserkers get wind of it.

I think I can hold out here another minute or two but no latex... I mean Later.

Yours in anticipation of a successful delivery,

Ground Commander
SDS

To Commander, SDS,
From, Chief Decorator and Commander of the Naked Hordes
Subject, Slushie Deleivery

Sir, not only is your taste abominable, your suicide squads lack both panache and derring do.

You will accept the colors we choose and like them.

Your suicide squad was aptly named.

The cherry slushie was a tad weak. Adjust the water to syrup ratio.

 

[Shaq]

Dear girl with red hair who I had a crush on in 1st grade,

Hey! How are you? You have absolutely NO idea who I am but we went to elementary school together for a year. I had a huge crush on you but you were in fourth grade and I was in first so I knew it just wouldn't work. To tell you the truth, I thought you smelled kinda funny. But you were absolutely gorgeous so that just added to your attractive aura.

I wonder what you're doing now. I remember your name but I don't think you met me. You used to ride my bus. I hope you're doing well. Let's get together sometime, lunch is on me!

Sincerely,

Shaq

 

[amelia]

Dear Amelia,

Am camped upon your doorstep with a verified cherry slushie.
Please admit me before the remaining berserkers get wind of it.

I think I can hold out here another minute or two but no latex... I mean Later.

Yours in anticipation of a successful delivery,

Ground Commander
SDS

Dear Ground Commander:

I'm sorry to report that it was all a trick. The Angry Naked Horde made me say those things to you to get you here. They mumbled something about painting my kitchen peach and i caved..i'm so sorry. Please forgive me and give me more slushies!

With Regret,
Amelia

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Ground Commander:

I'm sorry to report that it was all a trick. The Angry Naked Horde made me say those things to you to get you here. They mumbled something about painting my kitchen peach and i caved..i'm so sorry. Please forgive me and give me more slushies!

With Regret,
Amelia

Dear Amelia,

I think that the shade you have chosen for your boudoir is just devine. On behalf of the rest of the entire naked horde, I just want to thank you for the guided tour of your abode.

A slight clarification though dearie, we didn't say we wanted to paint your kitchen peach, we said we wanted to paint your peaches in the kitchen. Sorry about that.

Bye the bye, the cherry slushies are just horrid. You really should think of changing drinks. How about a nice hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks instead.


Yours in Decorating,

The Leader of the Angry Naked Horde and
Interior Design, Inc.

 

[WaxNWane]

Dear French Bread,

I'm boiling pasta, so I should stop eating you. But, you're warm and fresh...and the need to dip you in the balsamic vinegar & olive oil keeps calling me back.

Damn the electric fence, damn the electric fence.

Thank you.

Dah-dee

 

[amelia]

Dear Friend:

You now know, without a doubt, that i love you. I'm subjecting myself to that damn move The Hot Chick tonight, just for you. You owe me soooo big. You better get the popcorn the way i like it this time and you better not pour that nasty season salt all over it.

With Love,
Amelia

 

[aly*]

Dear Shaq,
I like you. You are interesting and mysterious. My third grade crush pulled my skirt down in front the whole class. It sucked. I cried.

I think you should give yourself a cookie!

word.
aly