Letters

[TWB]

Dear Olive Oil:

I feel your pain. The thought of the taught belt, whirring along, due in whole to the repeated spark and explosions of internal combustion, pistons pumping, up and down, over and over, well lubricated and vibrating must be something to overcome. I love it when the machine, at the height of its RPM's, is thrust into a snow bank, pistons straining as a streaming shot of white comes cascading, spurting from of the machine, shooting high into the air, and collapsing against the white sheet of snow with the silence of viscous liquid on fresh linen.

May your rubber always meet the road,

El Toro.

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Volkswagen,

Would you please have a word with my car. It has decided to tease me with engine warning lights that then inexplicably dissappear before a mechanic can see them and thus not believe I'm insane.

Also, thanks for the cool design. Chicks in drive thru windows seem to love it.

Hush my precious, I changed your oil yesterday.

 

[amelia]

Dear El Toro:

that is so fucking hot..or wait..was it cold? anyway, thanks. That's my new fantasy...snow blowing!

Yours,
Olive

 

[TWB]

Dear Olive:

Throughout history, there have been oddities in warriors. War made people do strange things. One group of such solders were the Berzerkers. They were nordic (I believe) soldiers. The term "berzerk" is a derivitive of their name.

The bezerkers always fought naked, and generally that was in the bitter cold and snow. Just imagine, 5,000 naked men running at you with axes and spears. That would be intimidating.

I tried to attack the snow with such vigor but was only arrested. This was after the police poured warm water over my wanger dang-er to unstick it from the throttle of my snowblower.

Bezerk but frosty,


El Toro

 

[Oscuridad]

ow.

stingie.

 

[TWB]

Dear Oscuridad:

Don't knock it till you try it.

Wholly healed,

El Toro

 

[amelia]

Dear Olive:

Just imagine, 5,000 naked men running at you with axes and spears.

Bezerk but frosty,


El Toro

Dear EL:

i imagine that EVERY night.

With Cold Lust,
Olive

 

[Oscuridad]

Speaking of frosty, I could use a slushie.

*slurp*

 

[TWB]

Dear EL:

i imagine that EVERY night.

With Cold Lust,
Olive

Dear Olive;

I am now, armed with the knowledge of your nocturnal musings of men clad only perhaps in their socks running toward you over the frozen steppe, pondering only but one thing. . .


Am I in front of the pack?

Running Bull

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear 7/11,

Nobody in my region had had a proper Big Gulp since you deserted us and left us at the tender mercies of Superamerica.

You are evil heartless bastards.

 

[amelia]

Dear Olive;

I am now, armed with the knowledge of your nocturnal musings of men clad only perhaps in their socks running toward you over the frozen steppe, pondering only but one thing. . .


Am I in front of the pack?

Running Bull

Running Bull:

You are at the front of the pack. Nice Socks!

love,
Sitting Chica

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Sitting Chica,

Cannot deliver slushie due to horde of naked scandinavians currently camping on your front lawn.

Attempts to approach foiled by the menacing waving of snowblowers.

Please send air support.

- Slushie Delivery Service

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear SDS,

Unable to provide requested air support at this time. Air base under attack by Valkyries. You have not lived until you've been assaulted by 6 foot, statuesque blondes wearing armor and horned helmets.


Ground defenses defecting in droves in order to be taken to Valhalla.

Recommend you rely on ground assets.


Rosevillecaguy,
Commander, Slushie Delivery Air Force, soon to be sitting at the right hand of Odin.

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear SDAF,

You bastards.

- SDS

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear SDAF,

You bastards.

- SDS

Autoreply

We're sorry, the party whom you are seeking is currently busy defecting to the warlike blondes with big tits and armor. Please try again later.

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Director of Product Design,
Autoreply Inc.

Why does your product not give the option of leaving a sufficiently rude noise in place of a message?

Or at least the option to send 20,000 volts through the person who's not picking up?

Please incorporate these features into the next models.

- Ground Commander, SDS

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Director of Product Design,
Autoreply Inc.

Why does your product not give the option of leaving a sufficiently rude noise in place of a message?

Or at least the option to send 20,000 volts through the person who's not picking up?

Please incorporate these features into the next models.

- Ground Commander, SDS

Dear Mr. SDS,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding our product line. At Autoreply, Inc, we value the insights given to us by our current and potential customers.

Our cutting edge design team had already run beta tests using the features you suggested. Unfortunately, flaws were discovered that made the requested features undesireable on our product.

In particular, the 20,000 volt option was determined to be unfeasible when the entire R7D department was flash fried during the testing process.

We are currently accepting applications for research scientists, assistants, etc. Since it appears that your current employment at Slushie Delivery Services may be terminated at any time by a horde of slavering, unwashed hairy nordic types wearing helmets, you may wish to apply.

At least electrocution is quick and relatively painless.


Sincerely,


Autoreply Inc,
HR and Customer Services.

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Leader of the Beserk Naked Horde,

Would you please consider clearing a narrow path for a team to deliver one slushie to Sitting Chica.

As compensation, we are willing to supply you with your own slushie and an attractive travel mug.

Yours with bewildered anxiety,

- Ground Commander, SDS

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Leader of the Beserk Naked Horde,

Would you please consider clearing a narrow path for a team to deliver one slushie to Sitting Chica.

As compensation, we are willing to supply you with your own slushie and an attractive travel mug.

Yours with bewildered anxiety,

- Ground Commander, SDS

TO: GCSDS
FROM: LOBNH

Subject: Your last Missive.


We are always open to new things. How do you think we became a berserk naked horde? Actually, it's Olaf's fault, he's the one that came home with that cheap bottle of aquavit. Up until that time, we were all more concerned with studying for our "Rape, Plunder, Pillage - Why the order is important" final at Leif Ericson U. The party started, somebody said, "Hey, lets take off our clothes and lay siege to somebody" and the rest is, as they say, history.

However, you are sadly mistaken if you think that we can be brought off merely by the prospect of a free travel mug and a slushie. If you had a remote radio crew present so that we could get some airtime, that might have worked, but you did not.

In the spirit of peace on earth, good will to slushie deliverers, etc ad nauseum, we will considered allowing a slushie delivery to the hot babe. In exchange we demand the right to redecorate your living quarters to our taste. We further demand that you allow us to select your wardrobe for the upcoming year.

If interested, drop us a line.

 

[amelia]

Dear SDS:

Where the fuck is my slushie?

Unable to wait any longer for brain freeze,
Amelia

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear SDS:

Where the fuck is my slushie?

Unable to wait any longer for brain freeze,
Amelia

Dear Amelia,

No slushies until you allow us to pick out the color scheme for your bathroom.


Signed,

Leader of the Beserk Naked Horde

 

[amelia]

Dear Amelia,

No slushies until you allow us to pick out the color scheme for your bathroom.


Signed,

Leader of the Beserk Naked Horde

Dear LBNH:

FINE! Damn, me needs the slushie!

Get it over with already,
Sitting Chica

 

[Guest]

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Grey Matter:

What were you thinking allowing the purchase of a drum set for a teenager? Did you forget just how loud those can REALLY be.

Bonus points on forgetting to buy the drumsticks however.

Deafeningly yours,

MP

Dear MP.

Shit happens. This is what you get for pumping me full of booze and various other assorted recreational pharmaceuticals over the years.

The real fun will begin when the buddies are invited over to practice in the garage.


Thoughtfully,


Grey Matter.

 

[erosman]

Dear sketti

You are such a faithful, Friday night meal. I love the way you twirl on my fork. I love the way you sate my needs. You are such an underrated friend. Thanks.

your hungry man, eros