Letters

[Saint Peter]

Dear SaintPeter:

I've fallen for the "i wanna show you my superbowl rings" trick before. I won't be so easily duped this time. As for the $15.00, you and john can work together and shove that up his ass..ok?

Teasingly yours,
Amelia of the Wet Panties

Dearest Amelia Crunchy Panties:

I am sorry the Cowboys duped you with the ole ring trick. I know football times are tough down there, with the price of cocaine what it is, and I hope that they paid you the $15 that Elway offered. Fair is fair no matter how bad the team sucks.

Yours in the spirit of love and the holidays
SaintPeterIsHornie

 

[amelia]

Dear SaintPeterIsHornie:

First of all, it's HORNEE. Second of all, $15.00 is $15.00, but I find it incredibly insulting that you would assume that the cowboys are capable of duping me.

ok, so it was troy aikman..fuck off.


Yours in the Spirit of Hate and Mistrust,
Amelia I. Shornee

 

[perks]

Dear notsomodestMouse,

I thought the phone sex was going to be our little secret. You told me you didn't want lavender to know, cause she'd be so crushed. You said she wouldn't understand, and that she gets jealous really easily. So you made me promise. Promise that I wouldn't tell about how I put those nipple clips on for you, how you smacked my ass, how you made me beg you for your big VT cock.

But now that our secret is out, it just isn't any fun for me anymore. I liked playing with you behind lavy's back. It was *so* exciting.

Thanks for coming clean, sugahmouse, but I'm done with you. You were good for a laugh here and there, though.

Hope your holidays are merry, and I hope that "little problem" you were experiencing is resolved, but don't think about me anymore to help you out, k?

Sorry you blew your cover for nothing,
perks

 

[Nora]

Dearest Coca-Cola,

You're the real thing, baby. Ain't nothing like the real thing...

You're so cold and wet and sweet. I love you above all other beverages, my beloved Coke.

I know we've had our ups and our downs. That period in the 80's...well, we just won't talk about it, mkay? You're back to where you should be, where you've always been.

You're mine. You're classic. You're perfection in caramel coloring and empty calories. You're a red and white coating on sugary sweetness. I love you, Coke.

Always,

Nora.

 

[amelia]

Dear Weather:

You are a bitch. When i went to bed last night, it was cold but clear. I woke up this morning to find snow everywhere..and it's freezing outside. I'm suppose to be christmas shopping right now, but i don't wanna leave the house. *grumble, grumble, sob*

I love Winter..but not on the Last Shopping Day Before Xmas,
Amelia

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear Amelia,

Thankfully, the stores are still open on Christmas Eve. This knowledge comes from years of experience.

Yours in procrastination,

Hockeyman

 

[Nora]

Dear Ex-CoWorkers,

I just spent the last 2 hours remembering why I was so fucking sad about leaving y'all. You are truly the best bunch of people I've ever worked with.

I miss you like crazy. It was cool catching up with y'all, but you've really let the local gossip slip by the wayside. I can't believe they cancelled your Christmas Party. That sucks intensely.

I'm really looking forward to going to my first strip club with y'all, though. That's gonna be a riot! I'm glad y'all are plotting to find the sleaziest one around. No wonder I love you guys!

With love,

the ex-fax girl.

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear Ex-fax Girl,

Do you have a sister called the Ex-Lax Girl?

Just curious,

Hockeyman

 

[Nora]

Dear Ex-fax Girl,

Do you have a sister called the Ex-Lax Girl?

Just curious,

Hockeyman

Dear Hockeyman,

Yes, I did have a sister named Ex-Lax Girl, but she was a real shit.

-N.

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dearest Coca-Cola,

You're the real thing, baby. Ain't nothing like the real thing...

You're so cold and wet and sweet. I love you above all other beverages, my beloved Coke.

I know we've had our ups and our downs. That period in the 80's...well, we just won't talk about it, mkay? You're back to where you should be, where you've always been.

You're mine. You're classic. You're perfection in caramel coloring and empty calories. You're a red and white coating on sugary sweetness. I love you, Coke.

Always,

Nora.

Dear Nora,

You faithless hussy. You told me I was the most important. You regaled me with tales of my warmth and comfort.

No I find out that your true love is brown, carbonated sugar water.


Get ready for a spring in your butt in a moment of passion.


Sulkily,

Your bed.

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Amelia,

Thankfully, the stores are still open on Christmas Eve. This knowledge comes from years of experience.

Yours in procrastination,

Hockeyman

Dear Hockeyman,

Get cracking on that nice new wardrobe.

"Coach" is running low on peanuts.


Very Truly Yours,


American Airlines

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear Hockeyman,

Yes, I did have a sister named Ex-Lax Girl, but she was a real shit.

-N.

Dear Nora,

I heard that about her. My friend Fiber dated her for a while, but he said it just wasn't working out.

Hockeyman

 

[Nora]

Dear Nora,

You faithless hussy. You told me I was the most important. You regaled me with tales of my warmth and comfort.

No I find out that your true love is brown, carbonated sugar water.


Get ready for a spring in your butt in a moment of passion.


Sulkily,

Your bed.

Dearest Bed,

I still dream of you constantly, but Coke is my crutch when I can't have you.

Sleepily,

Nora

 

[Nora]

Dear Nora,

I heard that about her. My friend Fiber dated her for a while, but he said it just wasn't working out.

Hockeyman

Dear hockeyman,

I can imagine that the combination of your friend and my sister was a powerful one.

-Nora

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear hockeyman,

I can imagine that the combination of your friend and my sister was a powerful one.

-Nora

Dear Nora,

How bout we leave the rest of this particular love story alone, shall we?

Yours in cleanliness,

Hockeyman

 

[Nora]

Dear Nora,

How bout we leave the rest of this particular love story alone, shall we?

Yours in cleanliness,

Hockeyman

Dear H,

Sounds like a plan. Besides, I hear she ran off with a nice wheel of gruyere. I hear opposites attract...

-N.

 

[amelia]

Dear Landlord:

I love you most of the time. My rent is super cheap and you are always quick to fix stuff, but allowing the gas to be turned off on the coldest day of the year (so far) did not endear you to me.

My fingers are turning blue..thank goodness for my portable heater.

Icily yours,
Amelia

 

[Guest]

Dear January,

Come quick.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Mopey gurl

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear Landlord:

I love you most of the time. My rent is super cheap and you are always quick to fix stuff, but allowing the gas to be turned off on the coldest day of the year (so far) did not endear you to me.

My fingers are turning blue..thank goodness for my portable heater.

Icily yours,
Amelia

Dear Amelia,

My apartment is nice and toasty. Well, underneath my two comforters, at least. So feel free to come warm up with me.

Toastily yours (until I get out of bed),

Hockeyman

 

[amelia]

Dear Sweet Heater:

Never again will I take you for granted. To hear you flowing through the vents now warms my heart and also my fingers. I Love You..and i don't say that often enough.

With A Loving (and getting warmer) Heart,
Amelia

 

[Nora]

Dearest Tenent,

Who are you? Get out of my apartment, you're in the way of all the lovely warm air I want to breath out.

Take, take, take. That's all you ever do.

Warmly,

Your heater.

 

[Saint Peter]

Dearest Amelia:

I would like to take this chance to thank you from the bottom of my heart for having you gas go out on a holiday. The doulble time I am making on this house call will buy all the munchkins nice doodads and get me a high class hooker when I get this little nothing of a part fixed in five minutes.

Oh. Sorry about billing you for five hours plus parts. Just like me to make a silly little mistake on a holiday.

Smoooochies and all of that,

Your friendly utility guy

PS I have no idea what happened to your panties. You might ask the heater if she took them.

 

[amelia]

Dearest Utility Man:

I don't have to pay the bill, so i still view you with warm feelings. I left that panties out for you as a tip. I was surprised that you went for the dirty ones, but oh well. To bad you came today while i was not home. I'm so grateful, you might not have needed the high priced hooker.

With Gratitude,
Amelia

 

[amelia]

Dear Ice and Snow:

I love you..and i hate you. you are my preccccciiiiouuuuuuuussss.
Just teasing..well..not about the i love you part.

Cold Hands/Warm Heart,
Amelia

 

[Guest]

Dear December,

I do not hate to say goodbye.
Though I do no want to wish time away, I am ready to bid you farewell.

Thanks for visiting.

Sincerely,

Numb and numb'er