Letters

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear American Airlines,

Please return the backpack of mine that you lost. Preferrably with all of my backpacking equipment still inside. Failing this, please at least pay me for what you lost. Then promptly burn in hell.

All my love,

hockeyman

Dear Hockeyman,

Sorry, but no can do. Any of the options given above just won't work here.

As you are aware, United Airlines just declared bankruptcy. We are trying to avoid this. You have helped us to achieve this goal. Perhaps an explaination of our procedures will give you a greater understanding.

We carefully scan all luggage before putting it on the plane. This assures that there are no bombs or other forbidden items in the luggage. It also allows us to determine if the luggage should be "lost"in order to help us financially.

All "lost" luggage is carefully emptied. The contents are sold and the bags are sent on to Tokyo, where they are placed on an endless conveyer belt to nowhere. The proceeds of the sale of the contents go to pay various operating costs.

In this case, the contents of your luggage were used to purchase 20 pounds of fuel for a commuter flight from Cleveland to Pittsburg. It was also used to help pay the pilots salary for the trip.

Thank you for choosing American Airlines for all your travel needs. Next time though, use better equipment when climbing. Not only is it safer for you, it brings a better "used" sale price.


Sincerely,

American Airlines

Sinc

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Landlord,

I appreciate your concern for the apartment, HOWEVER! A piece of paper on the ground and my books on MY coffee table is not going to hurt your precious property. I have complied with all your wishes, reasonable or not, and only still have one room to deep clean before I leave for vacation. This, I will do tonight, as I have already taken the time to mop my kitchen floor and vaccuum when I know that you can hear it. So kindly get your bah humbuggery outta here. I'm ready for a liottle Christmas cheer from you.

Your Frustrated Tenant,
Emoodie

Dear Emoodie,

Your coffee table rests on MY carpet covering MY floor. If you weren't so messy, deep cleaning would not be an issue.

This of course, assumes that you actually know the meaning of deep cleaning.

Also, I'm not listening to you slave away upstairs. I have taken the pitiance you pay as rent and have gone out to dinner with my SO.

Keep in mind I can kick you out any time, just for fun.

Happy Holidays,

The Landlord

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Landlord,

Obviously you have never had a busy week in your life. If you had, you would know that there are times that the mirrors get dirty, the floor needs mopping instead of just swiffering, and the toilet needs a little tender loving care. And since you are speaking as a person you are not, I say know the whole story before trying to assume that which you know not. As for the coffee table, it rests on MY rug, on MY mat, on your carpet, that is being treated like no other. So kindly either ask me to leave, or fuck off.

 

[TWB]

Dear Tenant;

Where the fuck is the rent?

Sincerely,


TWB

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Landlord,

Do you have alzheimer's? It's due on the first! And I'm paying you friday, remember?

Bitchingly yours,
Tenant X

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Landlord,

Obviously you have never had a busy week in your life. If you had, you would know that there are times that the mirrors get dirty, the floor needs mopping instead of just swiffering, and the toilet needs a little tender loving care. And since you are speaking as a person you are not, I say know the whole story before trying to assume that which you know not. As for the coffee table, it rests on MY rug, on MY mat, on your carpet, that is being treated like no other. So kindly either ask me to leave, or fuck off.

Dear Emoodie.


Again, Happy Holidays.

I tried fucking off once, but got thrown in jail. Something about "indecent" exposure.

What really is indecent is the price of a good housekeeper these days. She takes care of all that stuff for me. This allows me greater time and freedom to bust you ass.

As an aside, if you spent less time taking care of YOUR coffee table, YOUR rug, and YOUR mat, you could spend more time cleaning MY carpet, MY mirrors, and tenderly ministering MY toilet.

Can't you think of others, especially at this joyous time of the year?


Looking forward to a Joyous New Year with you as a tenant.

The Landlord.

 

[SilvaTungDevil]

Dear Mother Nature,

I remember an old commercial that said I shouldn't mess with you. Well I am here to throw down bitch! I'm not taking it any more. I hereby challenge you to an all out, no holds barred, fist fight. I am gonna' kick your leaf wearin' hind end. You'll think twice next time before trying to flood me out of the den of evil.


Sincerely,
Me

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear Mother Nature,

I remember an old commercial that said I shouldn't mess with you. Well I am here to throw down bitch! I'm not taking it any more. I hereby challenge you to an all out, no holds barred, fist fight. I am gonna' kick your leaf wearin' hind end. You'll think twice next time before trying to flood me out of the den of evil.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Mr. Devil,

Apparently, you have fallen behind on some things. Ms. Nature sold her interest in Earth, Inc. to us some time ago. We now have full title to the planet earth. We also design and sell all the software used to operate Earth, Inc.

We are sorry you were flooded out. It was a "bug" in our "MS Weather V 1.0" program. A fix may be downloaded from our website.

If you insist upon threats, keep this in mind, the Feds couldn't take us on, what makes you think you have a chance?

Cordially,

Microsoft Customer Services.

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear American Airlines,

That's what I figured. Glad I could help the cause. Please burn in hell still.

Your friend,

Hockeyman

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

Dear American Airlines,

That's what I figured. Glad I could help the cause. Please burn in hell still.

Your friend,

Hockeyman

Dear Hockeyman,

We do that every day. Hell is one of our hubs. Its also where the headquarters is located.

Thank you again for your support.


American Airlines,
Customer Service.


P.S. Can you also upgrade your wardrobe before your next trip with us? Fuel prices have gone up. Its either better clothes from you or no little bags of peanuts for the other passengers. Thanks, we knew you'd understand.

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Santa,

I would like to put a request in for an ammended list. I hope that this does not come too late and that your little elves have not started on my Susie Homemaker Pot & Pan collection yet. I am not certain yet whether I would like to exchange earlier list for a decision maker or an errand runner. Sounds like I need the former more, don't you think?

Your Not Always Nice Girl,

EU

 

[tulip2lipservice]

Here goes....

My Dearest Sweetheart,

I know it has been ages since our eyes have met or our hands have glided upon the other. You are within me all the time yet I find myself aimlessly wondering about you. I am and have been floating within this lifetime only to be grounded by you. As I am aimlessly drifting through the crowds and motions of everyday life in anticipation of our chance meeting. So many things we need to catch up on for our time upon this earth is limited. It is just a speck of sand in the whole realm of things. Do not make me wait another lifetime in order to find you.

Peace,
Tulip

 

[El Porko]

Dear Laurel,

Thank you for the basket of fruit.

http://www.worldyellowpages.com/ckl/can_fruit.gif

Next time please include a can opener.

Love,
El Porko

 

[His_kitty]

To Whom It May Concern,


Not quite two years ago I purchased the product called Wascally Wabbit, from your company. The intention for this product served it's purposes very satisfactory, that is up until eight months ago.


It suddenly quit operating. I suspiciouned that the batteries needed adjusting and once that didn't solve the problem, I replaced them. Still no go. It appears as though the bunny has died.

Now I'm not jumping to the conclusion that the above said item, is the product of shoddy workmanship, but I do think that its lifetime would have been longer than 15 months. I followed the instructions included for the care and I was (well usually) very gentle with it.

I think the least your company should do is to immediately issue me a savings certificate towards buying a new one.

Anxiously awaiting,

Ms. Kinkykitty

 

[LovetoGiveRoses]

Dear Andy,

Thank you for sending the two computers I bought from you on ebay three months ago, they just arrived. Though I'm glad that they arrived, I must make you aware that neither was what was advertised and in fact, one of them failed to work completely. After a quick inspection by the local computer shop, it was determined that the motherboard was completely inoperable.

I wish I could throw your sorry ass in jail.

Sincerely,
Pissed off 3,000 miles away.

 

[teddybear4play]

Dear LTGR,

That's what you get for buying shit from strangers on eBay.

Sucker.

Your money says hi.

Cordially yours,
Andy





TB4p

 

[amelia]

Dear Everyone:

I just wanted to announce that Legolas and I are engaged. We know that it will be a difficult marriage (him being a fictional character and all) but we are willing to do anything to make it work.

Thank you all for your wonderful support and words of encouragement!.

Learning Elvish,
Amelia

http://www.buffysweetslayer.com/legolas/immagini/legolas/l15.jpg

 

[Eumenides]

Dearest Amelia,

Though I want to be happy for you, I will have to refrain from attending the ceremony for many reasons. First, I'm afraid I'd give Tammy Fay Baker a run for her money on smearage. Second, I hear those elvin ceremonies are filled with polka music and wild orgies. I cannot be party to that. Thirdly, though certainly not leastly, I am afraid that when the minister asked me to hold my peace, I couldn't. I imagine a terrible scene with wedding cake shoved in his elfy ear.

Suffering Inside,
Lola

 

[Killswitch]

DearAmelia,
I recieved your shipment of government cheese today. It arrived un scathed. I am also glad you like the new movie "Lord of the Rings", but please stop posting photos of the girlyman with the long hair. He is a fad; A flavor of the week, and looks extrordinarily feminine.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.

Killswitch

 

[amelia]

Dear Sweet Suffering inside:

Leggy (as i like to call him) said that he could see the need for me to have a few special friends. You being at the top of that list, i thought you would not have a problem with my nuptuals. As for the polka music, i got him to agree to the fact that NO one likes polka music.

with love and hope,
amelia

killswitch,

i'm glad you got your cheese. i don't know why it came to my house first, but oh well. i hope that it did not cause you any undue pain or anguish. As for pictures of my sweet leggy, i will try to refrain.

remember, to much cheese causes constipation.

hope you've got some fiber,
amelia

 

[Nora]

To whom it may concern:

You suck. Fuck off.

Thank you for your forebearance on the matter,

Nora.

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Nora,

Yes, i do. And okay.

Thanks,
Sucker-Fuckeroffer

 

[hockeymandan]

Dear Taco Bell cashier guy,

I said THREE chili cheese burritos, not two.

I guess I should have said tres. My fault.

Pissed off and still hungry,

Hockeyman

 

[Nora]

Dear Nora,

Yes, i do. And okay.

Thanks,
Sucker-Fuckeroffer

Dear Sucker-Fuckeroffer,

not you, goober.

Love and crankiness,

Nora.

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Cranky,

I could suck till you had a smile on your face, but we all know the answer to that age old question. So, I'll just have to dig in my chest-o-bad-jokes. Give me a few minutes. My brain's fried, thinking of all this sucking and fucking off.

Yours Always and Forever,
Goober