Letters

[Liontamr]

Dearest Amelia,

Hope you feel better soon.

Your Titans loving friend,

LionT

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Dr. Hardass:

Yes, i know that the syllabus says that there are no excused absences and that 4 pts will be automatically deducted from my FINAL FUCKING GRADE if i miss a class, but i thought you might actually have a little compassion and be a little understanding of the fact that i have a fever of 102 AND a Dr. note saying that i should not go to class because i'm contagious.

So, you're really going to deduct points from my final grade? that's cool but know one thing....I'll find a way to make you miserable. Mark my words..mark the calendar...it's inevitable.

Grudgingly yours,
Amelia

PS: I sent a copy of the doctor's note with a friend...in case you'd like to be human and change your mind.

Dear Attendance Nazi,

The unfathomable muse of your wisdom is not more important than any persons health. As you are more keen on forcing people listen to you than educating I suggest a change of career to radio announcing during rush-hour timeslots where you can be more easily ignored.

Yours with the sort of loathing that can only be experienced by a person who has had to write essays that pander to the plainly incompotent,

O.


PS, Give Bedelia her grade.

 

[Pseudomoniker]

Dear Optimus Prime,

Ours is a forbidden love. The world would never accept us... you, the unwavering leader of the autobots, and me, an insignificant yellow volkswagen bug.

I remember the first time my optic circuits were activated and the first sight they beheld was your strong, angular features gazing down upon me with... affection perchance. You took me under your wing. Nurtured me. Guided me. I was so young and naive. And then you selected me to join you on the reconaissance mission that would forever change our relationship.

The dastardly Constructions were as unaware of our presence as I was of your true intentions. When you revealed that secret third transformation, I thought the resultant protrusion was a malfunction with your transforming cog. But you explained it all to me, and were quite gentle with your hands-on demonstration of the secondary function of my hatchback. I finally understood what you meant when you said that I was your "special friend". Vroom vroom!!

But society is not tolerant of our feelings for each other. Even in Massachusetts, we would never be allowed to legally consummate our passions. And alas, the DMV employs no one who would administer our vows of "till vehicular homicide do us part." No matter. We both know that we were fabricated this way, and nobody can tell us that what we feel is wrong. I love you Opty.

Fondly,

Your little Bumblebee

P.S. Meet me behind the base at 8 P.M. for a quick lube job.

 

[amelia]

Dear Saturday Morning:

I remember when I could count on you for a nice sleeping in day. Where did those days go? When did my body decide that I have to wake up at 8am? I feel so betrayed!

harumph!
Amelia


PS: arrrrrggggggggggggghhh! i have a lot of homework!

 

[honeylick]

dear amelia's saturday morning,

thank you thank you thank you for an extra two hours of sleep this morning... while my internal clock's alarm is almost always ringing at 7am each morning, today it seems you allowed me to continue sleeping and have extra time to dream those funky dreams i had all night.

who knew that i could have so much fun dreaming about sitting on furniture that was located on the sides of my walls and dance in a rug showroom with a bucket of chicken wings?

blissfully sleep satiated,

honeylicker

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Dear Tim Hortons Bakers/Microwave Technicians,

Please halt with the "Smile Cookie" producing process. I feel uber guilty when I go to get a tea/coffee and see all those cookies sitting there, lined in a row, begging for me to purchase one and support that well deserved cause. I currently have two cookies sitting in my cupboard because I really don't want them, but I couldn't help but buy one when I needed my caffeine requirements.

Thank you.

Sincerely, in need of another tea but attempting to resist,

~ Rora

P.S. Anyone want a cookie?

 

[Minkey Boodle]

Dear Little, Tiny Eyelash,

That was not only cruel, but quite painful of you to hide in my tear duct this morning. I was on the verge of tearing my eye right out of my head before I finally dislodged you from your spot.

Don't ever do that again, you bastard.

Blinkingly Yours,

Boodle

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Dear World,

It's amazing how small you feel sometimes, and yet you really are very vast. Those moments when you could be smaller, you never are. Can you rearrange some things and bring me closer to some of the action? I'm feeling a bit isolated.

Sincerely, in solitary seclusion,

~ Rora

P.S. In you rearranging, can you put a Timmies closer while you are at it? Thanks.

 

[raindancer]

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. ~André Gide




Dear Gatsby,

Two years ago today you drove up I-95 and into my heart. I never, in a million years, expected to do anything more than eat strombolis with a fellow Lit member as we talked about our mutual adorations. They always say...when you're not looking...

Hard work. Challenges, to say the least. I broke some of my personal rules when I took that risk. I have few regrets. The last two years have been a wild ride, love. Even though there have been moments when I wasn't sure I could take another step, I wouldn't change it for the world. Sure, I never thought we'd end up together- though now, after knowing you, I feel as though we should have been childhood buddies.

I am in awe of our friendship, more than anything. I can not remember my past without seeing your face. I know we didn't play tag-football in middle school, yet somehow in my mind, you were there.

A huge surprise two years ago: seems longer, yet feels like yesterday. Thank you for every minute, of every hour, of the last two years. I love you.


Love,

choreographer of precipitation

 

[JinXed]

Dear Mattel,


I realize that I personally picked out the Princess and the Pauper Barbie doll for my niece as a Christmas present.

I also cannot deny that I knew that this particular Barbie "sings" and that the combined with the Pauper Barbie they sing a "lovely" duet - not to mention she also sings alone.

What I do blame you for, however, is that there isn't a way to turn that function off. Instead I'm constantly subjected to this harmonious musical just feet away.

I'm coming closer and closer to understanding the true meaning of going postal.

Tone Deaf in Barbie Land,

Jinxie

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Dear Fucked Up Existance,

So I'm back to feeling used on a totally new but completely familiar level. Why would I expect anyone to change or grow? I'm getting sick and tired of being the one to give a fuck. Perhaps a new start would be good...but like that is going to fucking well happen. Thanks for proving that I'm just the person to be used again and again. Remind me again how to put on that happy face and fucking smile.

Somedays I hate them...but they never cared, so really, my hating means shit-all.

Fuck you right back,

Rora.

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Dear Rora's 6-letter name,

Oh yee of too much faith. You press too much energy into the purpose of that middle four-letter word...like it's meaning something important. People lie to you, but not because of them, but because of you. You are the source of the lie...they don't mean to, they just can't help it.

Nice going...have a drink on the house.

Just finish it.

Sincerely,

Rora's 4-letter name.

 

[MercyMia]

Dear Life in General,

I know that you're not always fair but I'd like to register some overall dissatisfaction with how you've been treating me for the last couple of years. I've tried my best to be a good sport but really, it's getting to feel like you're picking on me in particular. May I ask if this is true? I'd really appreciate it if you focused your attentions on someone else and gave me a breather. I could use some GOOD EXPERIENCES (hint hint) in the near future so I don't get too disheartened.

At the end of my rope,
Mia

 

[honeylick]

dear bushie and crew,

today a young man went off to war for the 2nd time in one year. too bad he and his fellow compadres are fighting for your fucked up agenda, to line the pockets of big business and because 'they tried to kill my daddy!'

i cannot even really find the words, both real or even faux-witty to express my anguish, sadness and pure exasperation at the situation at hand.

that being said, i give you the gas face.

http://tinypic.com/1z7vj9



because if i stop laughing, i'll just be left with my tears.

 

[WaxNWane]

Dear this thread,

You deserve resuscitation...and $240 worth of pudding.

Love and kisses from the guttah,
Papi

 

[Minkey Boodle]

Dear School,

I hate you. You hate me.

It's time we settle this once and for all: out back by the monkey bars at 3:30. Bring your own audience.

Be there, or be square, bitch!

TO THE DEATH!
-Boodle

 

[amelia]

Dear Shoulder:

You thought you could beat me. I know you thought you could do it...but ha ha!!! My friend BioFreeze and I will defeat you. Golf ball sized knot or not, you're going down!

Animosily yours,

Amelia


PS: BioFreeze, I love you.

 

[amelia]

Dear Residents of Lit:

I have stumbled across some very funny open letters (thanks st4nton) and wanted to share one of them with you and the link so you can find more, if you are so inclined.

Love,

Amelia


Open Letters

AN OPEN LETTER
TO THE LEADER
OF THE ANT NATION
RESIDING IN MY BATHROOM.

July 20, 2005

Dear Sir or Madam,

We've been warring for nearly a year now. Although my side hasn't lost a single life, let me be the first to say it: it is time to put a stop to the fighting.

I've emptied bottles of anti-ant spray and tolerated the resulting offensive odor. I've laid out bait-style poisons, which are specifically designed to trick your populace into carrying fatal toxins to your very own door, but your people consistently evade them. Eventually they organize parades that march directly around the deadly morsels in mockery of my attempts. I admit, the hyperintelligence of your military leaders is baffling. Thus, I've resorted to a multi-pronged and less obvious attack strategy: I've maintained tidiness, I've swatted at your troops with newspapers, I've smashed them one by one with my mighty thumbs, I've carpet-bombed them with Windex, I've blown them out the window with my breath of fire as they crawled across the neighboring tiles. I've even left mass graves open so that you might recognize what devastating havoc I'm capable of delivering.

Still, you send recon teams out. I spot them regularly, sometimes a team of two or three, sometimes a lone wolf crawling across the floor or the shower walls.

The leader of such a tenacious tribe must be both very proud and very wise. It is my sincere hope that you can set aside your pride and exercise your wisdom to the fullest extent for the purposes of this conversation. The cycle of violence can't continue. You must withdraw every last one of your kind from my apartment.

It's not fair. I pay rent. Don't give me any crap about being indigenous. It's not about that. The comparisons you will surely draw upon are nonsensical and you know it. You are ants. Don't make this something it's not. Have some couth.

Do not take my suggestion of peace as a sign of weakness. If you don't vacate the premises, I will continue to crush you and your soldiers on sight, without mercy or hesitation. My heart is remorseless at the thought of the lives I've destroyed and the families I've broken.

Annoyance is the driving force behind my hope of armistice. I grow tired of spotting your spies creeping around on the tiled shower walls as I stand in the buff. The endless removal of your dead after battle wears on my nerves. You make me late some mornings because I get lost in thought about our clash.

But my biggest frustration, the reason I am graying, lies in the question of purpose. Why do you want to be in my bathroom? What do you seek? There is no food there! Not a morsel. Were you to attack my kitchen, attempt a coup there, I would kill you with the same abandon, but I might be more understanding of your plight. Maybe I would be quicker to draft a solution to win the peace. Perhaps I would take to eating out more often, despite my ongoing fiscal crisis. As the situation is, though, there's not much I can do. I need to habitually bathe. I'm unmovable on this matter. It's not really even my choice.

Frankly, for several months I assumed I was dealing with madmen. But you must have some goal; your efforts surely have a purpose. When your troops tread across these countertops and tiles, they are consistently killed. Even a loony would realize that by now. Your ants are dying for something. Please, pray tell, what is it? Perhaps I will willingly surrender it to you if you help me to understand.

I'm reaching out here. Let's put an end to this.

Sincerely,

Joshua W. Jackson
President of the Bathroom

 

[MercyMia]

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

After we talked last night, I came away feeling heavy hearted and guilty. I could tell you were unhappy with our decision to slice back contact to a minimum. You wanted me to say that the reason I'm moving on is to save my marriage. I can't say that in all honesty.

The real reason is that we waste too much time hanging out, hoping to run into each other, devicing means to contact one another. I have a lot to do in real life. So do you. We're both fantastic at procrastinating and putting off our responsibilities. We indulge ourselves by venting...

I invite you to life. Let's act instead of talking about acting, Let's keep each other posted and give quick run downs of all the fun things we're doing instead.

I don't want to complain and escape anymore.

I still do love you but in a way you don't want or understand.

Mia

 

[WaxNWane]

Dear old friends,

I hope this finds you, and finds you well.

Signed,
Your resident hare puller (stupid rabbits)

 

[honeylick]

ooooh a waxenwang sighting!

in honor of this wunnerful occasion, i've just re-read this whole thread. good times... good times.

 

[just pet]

ooooh a waxenwang sighting!

in honor of this wunnerful occasion, i've just re-read this whole thread. good times... good times.

Threads like this keep me coming back to Lit

 

[NastasyA]

Dear Market

Load of arse!
Yesterday i walked to market, for some cheese and such
I know i paid for cheese,cat food and a onion.
I of course picked up a nice onion but when i get home i find i have no onion.
The kunts seem to have stolen it.

 

[SensualMale]

i had a lot of fun writing letters back and forth with nora tonight. letter writing is a lost art. consider this your thread to write letters to the people of lit or just to vent about something that happened in your day to day life.

Dear Sir or Madame of the fast food drive-thru:

no, i do not want fries with that. if i want fries with that, i will be sure to order them. also, don't rush me through my order. i'm paying for my hamburger and pop, give me a second to decide what i want.

sincerely,

amelia

You've got beautifully sharp features.

 

[honeylick]

dear sargent,

i love you long time.

love,
dang