Let's tickle the funny bones :)

[italianGod]

T Y ItalialGod

I like this thread, and I wish I had found it sooner.


A well to do older man had just retired and thought he might like to try out an Adult Nudist development to live in. He finds one and at the office they tell him he can try out the facilities for the day at no charge to see if he would like it.

An hour later the old guy comes back and says "No way am I staying here!!!"

The office guy says " Why, what was so bad?"

The old guy explains "When I left here earlier I felt great being naked outdoors and decided to take a walk around to check the place out. I met a beautiful young lady who grabbed my hand and led me behind a bush. She proceeded to give me the best sex of my life!'

The office guy says "So what's wrong with that? it sounds good to me. Most of our people here are pretty free spirited like that!"

The old guy continued "Well after she left me I felt real good about myself and continued to walk around and because I felt so good I thought I would have a cigar! I lit the cigar and continued my walk. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing and I dropped my cigar. When I bent over to pick it up a young well endowed guy came up behind me and had anal sex with me!! "

"You have to understand " the old guy said, " I can only get and erection once a day or so, I drop my cigar many times a day!!!"

Yeah...started this thread almost a decade back. An erotica board should've some dirty jokes too
thanks again for posting here....

 

[italianGod]

A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?” He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?” She giggles and says, “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

 

[italianGod]

A drunk man is stumbling through the woods, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't Found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

ROFL

 

[SunnyDays1]

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

 

[hpycpl]

A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?” He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?” She giggles and says, “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

Hahahaha

that's a good one

I'll plagiarize it soon!

 

[italianGod]

Hahahaha

that's a good one

I'll plagiarize it soon!

Please feel free !!

 

[italianGod]

A male COVID-19 patient was lying in a hospital bed. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose when young nurse came to clean his body with a sponge. From under the mask, the patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly the man ejaculated on the nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know ‘Are my tests results back?’”

 

[italianGod]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

 

[hpycpl]

Had a Bad Day


A small, disheveled guy sat at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when a big, burly, badass biker stepped beside him, grabbed his drink and gulped it down in one swig. The poor short guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says.'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

 

[hpycpl]

Dear Jack,

Re: Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.
Hellloooo?
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's ! been a year'!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so Ifinally just hung up....
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

 

[hpycpl]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest
almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never
seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and
said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to
Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father,
a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to
church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat
during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church.
So, I was going to leave after communion and steal
McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I
notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after
I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After
I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided
you would rather do without your hat than Burn in
Hell, right ?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father,
after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery, I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[hpycpl]

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their 'nooner', because it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started

 

[hpycpl]

Church Squirrels


There were five place of worship
in a small town: The Presbyterian
Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, the Catholic
Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church overran with pesky
squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church
called a meeting to decide what to
do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration they
determined that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's
divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels
had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided
to put a cover on the baptistery and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels
escaped somehow and there were twice as
many there next week.

The Methodist Church got together and
decided that they were not in a position
to harm any of God's creatures. So, they
humanely trapped the squirrels and set
them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the
best and most effective solution. They
baptized the squirrels and registered them
as members of the church. Now they only see
them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish
Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and
had a short service with him called
circumcision and they haven't seen a
squirrel on the property since

 

[hpycpl]

Skinny Dipping...

> > An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for
several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

> > It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic
tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees.

> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

> > As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

> > He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end.

> > One of the women shouted to him," We're not coming out until you leave!! "

> > The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

> > Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

> > Some old men can still think fast.

 

[hpycpl]

bump this thread to the top for new jokes!

 

[hpycpl]

here is a clean one





An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably Right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, They lost their grip on the animal And he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?................................









If you try to please everyone,

You might as well... Kiss your ass goodbye!

 

[hpycpl]

Noah and the Ark 2008

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the zoning provisions of my property by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the setback limitations. We had to go to the VCAT for a decision. Then the electricity company demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, PETA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the DSE ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. " Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

 

[italianGod]

bump this thread to the top for new jokes!

ahhhh.... our top fan !! thank you !!

 

[italianGod]

Quotes Overheard.... LOL

"How is a thunderstorm similar to sex? You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last."
"How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"How is life like a penis? It sometimes get hard when you least expect it."
"Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere."
"Why does Santa have such a heavy sack? He only comes once a year."

 

[italianGod]

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

 

[italianGod]

1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?
They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?
A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?
Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?
They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.

 

[italianGod]

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

 

[VoraciousValue]

"[Letters to Penthouse are] so graphic and unbelievable. It's never anything pleasant. It's never anything like, 'It was our honeymoon night. Nancy and I made passionate love. I hope we live happily ever after.' NO!! These letters are always written by some guy who lives in a closet in a commando outfit.

"These letters are always like, 'I unleashed. . . my blood-gorging, pulsating throbbing hunk of twelve-inch love sausage. And gently PLOWED!!! into her waiting honey pot!' What's a 'honey pot?' Who's this guy fucking--Yogi Bear??" -- John Fox

 

[VoraciousValue]

"You know the greatest trust in the world? Two cannibals having oral sex!" -- Rodney Dangerfield

 

[VoraciousValue]

"A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines. This is a
pity, as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the Australian palette,
but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain. . . .

"Another good fighting wine is "Melbourne Old-and-Yellow", which is
particularly heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

"Quite the reverse is true of 'Chateau Chunder,' which is an appellation contrôlée, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine
which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

"Real emetic fans will also go for a 'Hobart Muddy,' and a prize-winning
'Cuiver Reserve Chateau Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga,' which has a
bouquet like an aborigine's armpit."


https://youtu.be/hg9xS1UU3Zs