Let's talk about sex

[LadyJeanne]

A question recently came up in another thread that I thought would be interesting to explore as its something that a lot of us can probably identify with. Good communication seems to be the key to good sex, so why do we struggle to express our thoughts and feelings to our partners even when in a loving relationship?

Sometimes there are things we enjoy, but we are reluctant to tell our partners or reluctant to ask for them. Sometimes, our partners might do something that we do enjoy, but we are reluctant to admit to them that we like it. Why is it we can let someone do something to us, enjoy it, but when asked, either say no I didn`t enjoy it, or it was just okay.

Have you ever been uncertain about talking with your lover about your needs and desires? How have you overcome this communication hurdle? Can your partner do anything to help?

 

[EJFan]

i think the biggest reason there's a communication problem with this is that people (guys mostly) don't want to appear like they don't know what they're doing... but i'm probably stating the obvious there.

early on in a relationship, i think that even if a guy is unwilling to ask, he should be prepared to listen and pay attention to his partner's responses. at least that we he can get an idea of what's working well. as a relationship progresses, i'd like to believe we tend to open up more and let go of some of that fear of being perceived as inept.

i think women (again, addressing this as if it's the men who are less likely to ask) can help set the stage by asking questions themselves. a lot of guys will feel more comfortable if his partner is asking questions too. other than that, it's mostly time that brings us 'round.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Thanks, EJ. I don't think I ever really thought about men feeling inept, except for when they go down on a woman. Does that fear apply to other things they might do for their lady?

And what is the difficulty in their asking for something that pleases them, like maybe if they enjoy anal stimulation?

 

[LadyJeanne]

From a woman's perspective, it's hard for us to talk about what we like. We're generally not raised to ask for sexual things, especially if they're at all kinky. I think older women are more repressed in this way than younger women. The more comfortable we are with our partners and our own bodies, the easier it is, but it can still be challenging to speak.

As an example, I personally love giving oral sex. Love the intimacy of it, love the feel, the taste, the moods, the giving of pleasure to someone I care about, the sight of his eyes as I'm doing it, the cum, everything. Just love it.

It took me a million years to actually TELL my SO that I love it, even though he could probably tell. Why? Cause only sluts like it. Cause every porn movie I've ever seen depicts the act in a 'suck it bitch' way. Cause growing up, the primary insult guys gave to each other was 'suck my dick'. So there's something very embarassing about admitting that I like it or even in accepting a warm, loving compliment from my lover.

I got over it precisely because my lover never, ever made me feel like a nasty slut for loving his penis with my mouth (or any other part of me), and treats everything that we do together as the most natural thing in the world. He tells me how much it turns him on, and how sexy I am, and just creates this very warm environment that lets me feel free to enjoy whatever happens without feeling embarrassed about my sexuality. He encourages it!

 

[Lynxie]

My husband and I consider ourselves to have extremely good communication skills but, now and then, I do have a hard time being open about what I like/want in the bedroom. For me, I think it's because of my Catholic upbringing. I'm no longer Christian, but it's hard to break some of the things that were ingrained into my head from a very early age about sex being wrong and dirty. My husband and I tend to be pretty adventurous in the bedroom, but oftentimes it takes all my willpower just to say what I want to do. I've found the best way to overcome this is to just blurt things out when I think of them...get it over with before guilt or nervousness have a chance to creep in.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks, EJ. I don't think I ever really thought about men feeling inept, except for when they go down on a woman. Does that fear apply to other things they might do for their lady?

And what is the difficulty in their asking for something that pleases them, like maybe if they enjoy anal stimulation?

I asked my husband about why it took him so long to ask to try anal, and he said it was just plain embarassing due to (a) the "gay" and "deviant" stigmas, and (b) he thought it would gross me out (even though I had suggested trying it in the first place).

It seems to me that a lot of men (and women) feel inept, but act confident, which makes it difficult to ask for suggestions or for their partner to give suggestions for fear of bruising the ego. The best remedy for us was to both admit that we have a lot to learn and agree to just try a bunch of new things and explore together.

Like you, LadyJeanne, I've been afraid to show my gusto for things for fear of being seen as a slut. Lit has really helped me see that doing just about anything that doesn't hurt others is natural and healthy rather than slutty.

 

[homunculus]

It's happened fairly often in my experience that women have claimed to be open to anything, to be adventurous and supportive, but when a kinky suggestion was offered, they didn't do it, or did it reluctantly and not again, or made some remark that was discouraging. So, it seems to me that, contrary to Kinsey, probably many, perhaps most women want straight vanilla sex, if they are straight, and that's it. Also, making sex a playground where anything goes is contrary to the exp. many of us have of sex having emotional, biological and practical consequences--pregnancy, children, love, jealousy, vulnerability, etc. So sex never quite seems as free and open as one might fantasize that it should be. Fantasy is fantasy, after all...

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I'm all for communication from both sides...:

Suck! Suck! Don't blow! I don't need a scrotum the size of a grapefruit, babe! There ya go, more spit... Why did you stop?! What do ya mean you can't breath? I can hear you just fine. Relax! That shade of blue in your skin looks good on you...

Just kidding.

My wife and I communicate heavily about sexual matters. It can sometimes be a fitting prelude to something hot and steamy, or during the act there's almost always some sort of instruction that someone should give, or afterward or even during a time when a sexual subject just comes up. We're both pretty damn fortunate to feel comfy enough with one another to just discuss anything. Plus, my sense of humor has no real boundaries, so sometimes things come up that way.

Sex talk = good.

No sex talk = bad.

 

[Quoll]

It's happened fairly often in my experience that women have claimed to be open to anything, to be adventurous and supportive, but when a kinky suggestion was offered, they didn't do it, or did it reluctantly and not again, or made some remark that was discouraging. .........

I think this is the whole point of the discussion, they may be wiling to try, but then suffer guilt or shame afterward, or not try at all for the same reasons.
Like SE said, once you begin to understand that you are not alone in your thoughts/likes it becomes so much easier to be comfortable with what you like.

Although I was never sat down and given the "talk" as a child, I never received any negative feedback about sex (except from religion, but I have dealt with that.) and the knowledge was made available to me (Years later I understood how clever my mother was) through a wonderful series of magazines that my father subscribed to. (The book of life. I think) I spent many years reading and learning about sexuality, intimacy, the human body and so much more. Probably why I find Lit so enjoyable.
My biggest impediment to asking for something new is probably the fear of rejection, and embarrassment at being seen as strange by someone you love.
Most of those fears have been overcome by trust, but there is still that bit of uncertainty that what I ask will make her uncomfortable.

 

[homunculus]

In my experience, and it's true that I can only guess what was going on, it wasn't that the women felt ashamed or guilty--they just didn't enjoy whatever it was. Actually, I hardly ever encountered shame or guilt--can't even remember when that was an issue. For ex., I enjoy watching women masturbate, but they didn't want to waste an orgasm on something so prosaic. They did it once it twice, but then it was, come on...Could you identify any act that you wanted that you were reluctant to ask for?
For a man, the strapon fantasy is very powerful--but I think the whole bit re power and men (reversing it, affirming it, etc.) is pretty well understood.

 

[LadyJeanne]

My husband and I consider ourselves to have extremely good communication skills but, now and then, I do have a hard time being open about what I like/want in the bedroom. For me, I think it's because of my Catholic upbringing. I'm no longer Christian, but it's hard to break some of the things that were ingrained into my head from a very early age about sex being wrong and dirty. My husband and I tend to be pretty adventurous in the bedroom, but oftentimes it takes all my willpower just to say what I want to do. I've found the best way to overcome this is to just blurt things out when I think of them...get it over with before guilt or nervousness have a chance to creep in.

I use the blurt method as well! I like to write, too, so sometimes I will actually send an email with specifics. For some reason, maybe cause I don't have to say it out loud, that makes it easier.

I didn't have the religious upbringing, but sex was not discussed in my house at all, except for the 'just say no' message, which is fine until you say yes.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Like you, LadyJeanne, I've been afraid to show my gusto for things for fear of being seen as a slut. Lit has really helped me see that doing just about anything that doesn't hurt others is natural and healthy rather than slutty.

Yeah, this place really does help change attitudes in a good way! I'm much more open about sex after being here for a while.

Not that there's anything wrong with slutty in the right context

 

[LadyJeanne]

Sex talk = good.

No sex talk = bad.

LOL!

I feel like I should get a plaque and put it up on the wall above the bed...

 

[LadyJeanne]

Although I was never sat down and given the "talk" as a child, I never received any negative feedback about sex (except from religion, but I have dealt with that.) and the knowledge was made available to me (Years later I understood how clever my mother was) through a wonderful series of magazines that my father subscribed to. (The book of life. I think) I spent many years reading and learning about sexuality, intimacy, the human body and so much more. Probably why I find Lit so enjoyable.

You are so lucky. My mom just told me to not to have sex. That's it. Nothing more. Not only did that give me the message that sex was bad and dirty, but I had to scrounge around for any accurate information way back before the internet was around.

I wished I'd gotten my hands on a book that explained to a girl how to give herself an orgasm. If I'd had one as a teenager, I feel like my whole sex life would have been so different.

 

[SweetErika]

In my experience, and it's true that I can only guess what was going on, it wasn't that the women felt ashamed or guilty--they just didn't enjoy whatever it was. Actually, I hardly ever encountered shame or guilt--can't even remember when that was an issue. For ex., I enjoy watching women masturbate, but they didn't want to waste an orgasm on something so prosaic. They did it once it twice, but then it was, come on...Could you identify any act that you wanted that you were reluctant to ask for?
For a man, the strapon fantasy is very powerful--but I think the whole bit re power and men (reversing it, affirming it, etc.) is pretty well understood.

A lot of people use, "I didn't really enjoy it" as a blanket response to cover a variety of reasons. Shame and guilt are often not overt or easily identifiable, and it takes a lot of digging and energy to get to the root of why we don't like something. So there's probably something else going on when your partners give a generic response.

Masturbating for you: Even though I have and would masturbate for a partner's enjoyment, it's not my preference or the most exciting activity I can think of. For me, it has nothing to do with "wasting an orgasm" (which I think is another generic, shut-you-up response)...it's that I've come to cherish masturbating and fantasizing as something fun and wonderful that I do just for me. I kind of have an attachment to it as a quiet, private activity, and I don't have a huge desire to do it with someone else. When someone else is there, I feel the need to change up my usual routine for their added enjoyment, which seems like a violation of the idea and purpose of masturbation. Finally, if I'm with someone, I really want to be WITH them...kissing, touching, interacting, because that's something I can't do by myself.

I've had a tough time asking for most things because I didn't feel my husband was that receptive when I made suggestions. One of the biggest things was asking for a little pain...he's the most gentle, caring person I've ever met, and inflicting any kind of pain goes against his nature. Anal, toys, and domination were also challenging, but I finally decided that the worst that could happen was him saying "no" and staying exactly where we were, so I just gathered up the courage and took the plunge. As it turned out, he didn't say no to any of my ideas.

 

[SweetErika]

You are so lucky. My mom just told me to not to have sex. That's it. Nothing more. Not only did that give me the message that sex was bad and dirty, but I had to scrounge around for any accurate information way back before the internet was around.

I wished I'd gotten my hands on a book that explained to a girl how to give herself an orgasm. If I'd had one as a teenager, I feel like my whole sex life would have been so different.

I was lucky...my mom had a book called something like A Woman's Body: An Owner Manual and I read the sex, masturbation, and lesbian explanations hundreds of times from a tender age. She was pretty open about sex, telling me it was "something special that two people who love eachother do because it feels good" but didn't tell me much more than the basics on birth control, etc. Luckily, she made it clear she gave money to Planned Parenthood, so I knew exactly where to go when I was ready to start having sex.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I was lucky...my mom had a book called something like A Woman's Body: An Owner Manual and I read the sex, masturbation, and lesbian explanations hundreds of times from a tender age. She was pretty open about sex, telling me it was "something special that two people who love eachother do because it feels good" but didn't tell me much more than the basics on birth control, etc. Luckily, she made it clear she gave money to Planned Parenthood, so I knew exactly where to go when I was ready to start having sex.

That's awesome. I had a friend who's mom told her sex was something special that two people do together when they want to have a baby.

Yes, and what about the other 9,999 times?

 

[SweetErika]

That's awesome. I had a friend who's mom told her sex was something special that two people do together when they want to have a baby.

Yes, and what about the other 9,999 times?

Yep, that and "a man and a woman" and "married people"...I think the way she phrased it made it comfortable for me to explore and enjoy my sexuality guilt-free.

On the other hand, my mother in law was an OB nurse, and so all my husband heard were the horror stories of 13 year olds having babies and that he'd "better not knock a girl up."

 

[Quoll]

Oh there is so much good literature out there to teach young impressionable minds.

The book that my niece read that said "When two people love each other and are ready to start a family, they have a bath together"

The one that said "Masturbation does not send you blind or grow hair on the palm of your hands, it can however cause mental instability." (Oh, I think I`ve just had a revelation)

The sex education tape that showed nothing but rabbits.(Talk about the wrong message there)

Or the one that showed the picture of the couple pushing their single beds together, when they were ready to start a family. (I guess you need a bigger bed for when the stork delivers the baby)

Yep it`s all clear as mud to me.

 

[LadyJeanne]

It's a shame that our parents' discomfort in talking about sex or even about how our bodies work has such a lasting impact on our views of sexuality. That makes it much harder to be open about it when we should.

I grew up thinking that one just didn't talk about the vagina and the clitoris might as well not have existed. If I had known more about the female orgasm, it wouldn't have taken me years to be bold enough to ask for oral sex or to provide a guided tour for my partners so they knew how to please me.

 

[Bobmi357]

Talking about sex is important, but so is how you say things. It all boils down to communication.

Personally I object to the term slut applied to anyone. Why should something feeling good enough to make you want to do it again make you a slut?

Does it make you a slut because you enjoy anal sex, or enjoy giving blow jobs? No, not really. Does it make you a slut if you prefer doggie style? I don't think so.

Few things, in my opinion, qualify for the term slut when done between two consenting adults. A slut in my opinion is someone that so craves sex, they'll have it with anyone, protected or unprotected, anytime. The girl that romps through the entire highschool football team. Is she a slut? Maybe, certainly her behavior is, but she'll probably realize eventually that it was a mistake to do that.

Talking to your lover about what pleases you and what you like to do is the only way to see that your needs are addressed as well. Sex isn't just about getting one's rocks off. Its about bonding, both before and during and after. Its about giving pleasure to your lover and recieving pleasure in return. If you don't talk to your lover about what you enjoy, then you'll never have your needs fufilled. This is little different than telling your lover that you prefer your eggs over easy, sunnyside up, or scrambled.

For ourselves we don't have as much problem talking about sex as we do asking for something specific. I know my wife enjoys my going down on her, but unless I ask her, she never brings it up. For myself I know if she brings me to a climax orally, forget it, I'm done for quite a while, leaving her horny and unfufilled. Which explains why I rarely ask for oral sex from her (as much as I'd like to).

 

[Guest]

A question recently came up in another thread that I thought would be interesting to explore as its something that a lot of us can probably identify with. Good communication seems to be the key to good sex, so why do we struggle to express our thoughts and feelings to our partners even when in a loving relationship?

Sometimes there are things we enjoy, but we are reluctant to tell our partners or reluctant to ask for them. Sometimes, our partners might do something that we do enjoy, but we are reluctant to admit to them that we like it. Why is it we can let someone do something to us, enjoy it, but when asked, either say no I didn`t enjoy it, or it was just okay.

Have you ever been uncertain about talking with your lover about your needs and desires? How have you overcome this communication hurdle? Can your partner do anything to help?

I have always discussed with my partner (s) (past and present) what pleases me. I definitely believe that communication is the key like you said.

You're right, it's not always that easy. It can be very frustating at times especially when you feel you're not being listening to.

 

[homunculus]

"Masturbating for you: Even though I have and would masturbate for a partner's enjoyment, it's not my preference or the most exciting activity I can think of. "
Thanks for your thoughtful response, and your candor. But if the reason for no is selfish or self-oriented (I want this just for me) rather than scornful (how weird of you to want to watch me come) is it much better? In any event, your reason doesn't involve anything that would be guilt-inducing...As for pain, the reluctance on my part would be that I would be part of a cycle that debases my lover, and hurts her, so I would only do it with the condition that she experience my role as sexual and playful--this is one way we can make love, but it is making love and not reproducing some old trauma...
I notice reading these threads, though, that two areas of discussion keep arising--bisexual experimentation (that thread goes on forever) and anal sex... With both, I think the guilt and naughtiness are necessary to pleasure. I'd love for my partner to say, without preparation, 'bend over, I want to fuck your dirty ass.' I think it is possible to mix signals in a very sexy way--this is nasty, I want it! But it is difficult. I wonder if any couples actually do this...

 

[SweetErika]

"Masturbating for you: Even though I have and would masturbate for a partner's enjoyment, it's not my preference or the most exciting activity I can think of. "
Thanks for your thoughtful response, and your candor. But if the reason for no is selfish or self-oriented (I want this just for me) rather than scornful (how weird of you to want to watch me come) is it much better?

Absolutely. My/the "selfish" line of reasoning is personal, whereas a scornful reason makes a snap judgement about the other person and activity. I'm inclined to think that people who decline due to a personal reason are more likely to be flexible and maybe open to trying it now or in the future.

In any event, your reason doesn't involve anything that would be guilt-inducing...

Not for me personally, but I'm not sure how common my reason is, and I think masturbation is associated with some shame or guilt for most people.

I notice reading these threads, though, that two areas of discussion keep arising--bisexual experimentation (that thread goes on forever) and anal sex... With both, I think the guilt and naughtiness are necessary to pleasure. I'd love for my partner to say, without preparation, 'bend over, I want to fuck your dirty ass.' I think it is possible to mix signals in a very sexy way--this is nasty, I want it! But it is difficult. I wonder if any couples actually do this...

I agree that guilt and naughtiness can add to the appeal and arousal, though I don't think they are necessary for the activities to be pleasurable.

Edit: I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative, homunculus, just giving my perspective.

 

[Bobmi357]

I've often wondered about masturbating for your partner. Maybe I'm lazy, but if my wife asked me to masturbate for her, somewhere along the line I'd probably ask her to ahhhh give me a hand?

I'm sure its quite erotic, but frankly I think I'd rather give her the orgasm rather than watch her give herself one. It might make a nice teasing prelude to sex though.

Hmmmmm....