Lets talk about humilation play

[callinectes]

Or at least what I think may be humilation..

One of the things my Dom has started doing lately is having me verbalize specific sexual things I want to do or try. The vast majority of these things are well outside the realm of BDSM and are simply adventurous vanilla sex. I have a very difficult time saying the words.. but he has a way of coaxing them out of me. Nothing cruel, he just knows me well. It really turns me on to be made to say these things but, at the time I feel something akin to shame. Maybe it is embarressment, I dunno. I was nearly in tears the other day when I finally blurted out something I was particularly embarrassed about. Let me re-interate, these are all activites I want to particpate in, even if I have a dread/desire feeling about them. He is only forcing me to say things that I have expressed an interest in via a checklist or in conversation (where all I could bring myself to do was nod my head) LOL

Has anyone else had this experience? How do you overcome your inner turmoil?

BTW, I do understand what he is doing and why. But that doesn't make it any easier! LOL

 

[bisexplicit]

I often feel dissonance in regards to my desires with humiliation.

Theres a certain self-hatred that accompanies these desires, at least for me. However, at the same time, it would not be as appealing to me if I did not hate what I wanted.

I have not managed to become "at peace" with these feelings, but I wonder if its possible to accept them as "allowable" and still enjoy them.

 

[subwannabe]

He is trying to break you out of your shell and you want to be broken out of your shell. Go with the flo. You know it is what you want so let nature take it's course. Good luck.

 

[myinnerslut]

i used to have a very hard time being verbal about certain things... certain words, specifically slang for parts of the body, just caused me to freeze, it was like having a persistant mental block. it bothered my Sir a lot when we would be talking and all of a sudden i would freeze up when we got to a particularly sexual part. we worked though it, partly becuase i wrote erotica for him using the words i had trouble with, and partly becuase he would ask me questions and coax me through saying the things that bothered me.

 

[jadefirefly]

Ohmigod.

I thought I was the only one who acted like this -- like a complete inability to say certain words, usually slang or vulgar terms for body parts or acts. (Lemme tell you, on those rare occasions I was inclined to, it made cybering hard! )

It's hard to express things I want to do, too. The words are *there*, in my head, but they won't come out. I want them to and they won't.

I have a very close friend, we discuss maybe someday getting together but we live nowhere near each other; he's promised to help me through this. Part of me wants to, and part of me is afraid of it because I just know he's going to be merciless once we've gotten past the grace period.

I don't know yet if I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure he'll make it worth it, though!

I'm still just surprised that there are other people like me out there! And not just out there, but right here!

 

[ABX]

My girlfriend and I are rapidly falling (climbing?) from vanilla to D/s... and I have to admit I've been doing this kind of stuff with her. Getting her to tell me just what she wants, even though she's very self conscious, and shy... it makes her blush, (which is cute beyond belief) it makes her stutter, (even more so) and most importantly of all, it really turns her on.

But I don't think I am trying to guide her out of herself, defeat her shyness... When I hear the eagerness in her voice, through that unbearably adorable blushing and stuttering... well, that really does it for me.

 

[Kailey_86]

It's hard to express things I want to do, too. The words are *there*, in my head, but they won't come out. I want them to and they won't.

Part of me wants to, and part of me is afraid of it because I just know he's going to be merciless once we've gotten past the grace period.

I don't know yet if I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure he'll make it worth it, though!

i have trouble saying dirty words too, even slang for body parts. Sir doesn't know this yet i think because W/we haven't talked much in person or on the phone yet. When He learns i am sure He will try and fix that. i want to be able to say the words but they just won't come out, like you jade. Instead i end up blushing and stuttering and giggling a lot. i am definately afraid to go through this but at the same time i know i will be turned on by the power and control He will have on me.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm not sure I'd presume someone would want to "fix" a reluctance to use crass slang... it's not something I'd ever been comfortable with, and for a while I was in a Friendship with someone who felt the same. Vulgarity was not an option, period- especially for a Lady. (Which suited me just fine)

I'm not sure how common or uncommon that attitude is, though...

 

[Kailey_86]

I'm not sure I'd presume someone would want to "fix" a reluctance to use crass slang... it's not something I'd ever been comfortable with, and for a while I was in a Friendship with someone who felt the same. Vulgarity was not an option, period- especially for a Lady. (Which suited me just fine)

I'm not sure how common or uncommon that attitude is, though...

i have to watch my words a little more carefully i think. i keep getting called on things like this. This isn't really what i mean. He wouldn't "fix" it since it isn't a problem but if He wanted me to be more comfortable with it than i would "work" on it. *shrugs* i will try and start saying what i really mean.

 

[FurryFury]

I am the same way about speaking such things out loud. I am very shy and blush a lot and tend to not be able to do it. However, I can write it, sometimes.

Once as I wrote about in Couples Night Out here at Lit, I was able to say it.

*smiles*

It's a tough thing for many of us good girls.

Fury

 

[Dread_Pirate_Roberts]

If you have never expressed your inner most cravings/fantazies before, it is hard. However, once you are comfortable with the person, and the trust is completely there then you will find you can be more open about it. And from the Dom/mes point of view, it is so sweet and totally fulfilling to hear what their partner wants, yearns, or would love to try out for the first time. The blushes enhance the experience. So don't sweat it. Start small, soon, you will find you are telling your most inner, dark secrets and the pleasures of mind and body will really begin.
Dread.

 

[callinectes]

Thanks for the insights y'all, I'm glad to know i am not the only one.

He is not trying to make me comfortable with vulgar language. He simply wants me to be able to say "yes, I would like to do X" or "Can we try Z?". Even the simplest things can be very difficult for me to verbalize.

Maybe Fury has it right..it's hard for us good girls.

 

[bisexplicit]

Hm.

So, are you aroused by being 'forced' to say things? What happens when you run out of dirty things to say, and you're comfortable with expressing your dirtiest thoughts?

I think perhaps I'm alone in the needing degradation/humiliation, and maybe it isn't a problem if you ever reach the point where you're comfortable with being 'bad.'

 

[Kailey_86]

Hm.

So, are you aroused by being 'forced' to say things? What happens when you run out of dirty things to say, and you're comfortable with expressing your dirtiest thoughts?

I think perhaps I'm alone in the needing degradation/humiliation, and maybe it isn't a problem if you ever reach the point where you're comfortable with being 'bad.'

There will always be something else that turns me on. Speaking for myself here, even after i become comfortable with saying dirty words, there will still be some other humiliating thing for me to do that will turn me on. Humiliation isn't the only thing either. There is LOTS more that turns me on.

 

[FurryFury]

If you have never expressed your inner most cravings/fantazies before, it is hard. However, once you are comfortable with the person, and the trust is completely there then you will find you can be more open about it. And from the Dom/mes point of view, it is so sweet and totally fulfilling to hear what their partner wants, yearns, or would love to try out for the first time. The blushes enhance the experience. So don't sweat it. Start small, soon, you will find you are telling your most inner, dark secrets and the pleasures of mind and body will really begin.
Dread.

Or you could become a tiny bit more comfortable but still very repressed about this even though you do have that trust and feel comfortable with that person.

Fury

 

[chris9]

Maybe it's not 'just' the "good girls don't speak about such things" issue, but also the fact that we never learn/get used to talk about it. I think for me much of the problems I have and even more had when talking about sex is just that I'm unused to it, thus don't find the right words to express myself. Depending on the situation, add concern that what you say might hurt your partner or lessen their view of you, it's not the easiest. I find that the more I accept my sexual desires and the more I'm certain of my partners esteem, the easier talking about it becomes.

 

[Dread_Pirate_Roberts]

Or you could become a tiny bit more comfortable but still very repressed about this even though you do have that trust and feel comfortable with that person.

Fury

Very true. It does depend on the individual. I shouldn't have tried to generalize my own past experiences.

For me, I was given a few hints by my partner when I asked what was really wanted after we had been together about 6 months. Once my SO was able to express a few minor fantasies/yearnings, and saw how I incorporated those ideas into our play, then a few more intimate details were expressed. I also talked about my own fantasies/desires and both of us became more open and confident to tell our true hidden desires. It probably took about a year and half before I could compose a clear picture of my subbie's little kinks and fetishes and I also discovered more about my own. For both of us, some of those desires had been repressed for years and it was such an emotional/mental release to be able to express them.

I found it really erotic when working out the scenarios to put our fantasies into play, especially the "forbidden" ones that might only be enacted a few times in our lives. When I say forbidden, I mean the type that makes you blush deep down into your soul just by thinking about it.

My apologizies again for generalizing.
Dread.

 

[sullivan96]

yeah i can understand that

i understand that anyone can have trouble verbalizing kinky subjects, somehow the words end up hanging in the air longer than actually doing such things

 

[FurryFury]

Very true. It does depend on the individual. I shouldn't have tried to generalize my own past experiences.

For me, I was given a few hints by my partner when I asked what was really wanted after we had been together about 6 months. Once my SO was able to express a few minor fantasies/yearnings, and saw how I incorporated those ideas into our play, then a few more intimate details were expressed. I also talked about my own fantasies/desires and both of us became more open and confident to tell our true hidden desires. It probably took about a year and half before I could compose a clear picture of my subbie's little kinks and fetishes and I also discovered more about my own. For both of us, some of those desires had been repressed for years and it was such an emotional/mental release to be able to express them.

I found it really erotic when working out the scenarios to put our fantasies into play, especially the "forbidden" ones that might only be enacted a few times in our lives. When I say forbidden, I mean the type that makes you blush deep down into your soul just by thinking about it.

My apologizies again for generalizing.
Dread.

No problem. As I've said before, for me the things that in my own mind are taboo are the most delicious bits. Talking dirty about sex in bed face to face ranks high in that list. My internal self vision changes slowly and with much difficulty, if at all. If this particular thing changed it likely would lose all of it's potency for me.

Fury

 

[jadefirefly]

It's not even so much a desire to want to be able to verbalize words like.. okay, let's back that up. I can't even type them half the time.

It's not that I want to be able to say crass words, but even being able to verbalize what I *want*. "Yes, I'm a submissive" or "I'd like it if we could try playing with a flogger sometime" or "I really really want to be tied up and teased silly".

These words are a bitch just to type, let alone say out loud. I don't trust people. I don't trust them to not hurt me with whatever I might give them about my wants. It's easy to tell someone "I like chocolate ice cream". It's a lot harder to say "I like being tied up".

I don't mind not saying the c-words, or language of that nature. I'd just like to be comfortable expressing the things I'd like in terms a little more clear, and with some confidence behind it.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Because I am wicked and after reading several posts here I am considering a thread where ...............oh hell I need more coffee and time to rethink this, also I promised to go back to bed ..........chite

 

[FurryFury]

Because I am wicked and after reading several posts here I am considering a thread where ...............oh hell I need more coffee and time to rethink this, also I promised to go back to bed ..........chite

He he. You just couldn't say it could you?

*smiles*

I know the feeling.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

It's not even so much a desire to want to be able to verbalize words like.. okay, let's back that up. I can't even type them half the time.

It's not that I want to be able to say crass words, but even being able to verbalize what I *want*. "Yes, I'm a submissive" or "I'd like it if we could try playing with a flogger sometime" or "I really really want to be tied up and teased silly".

These words are a bitch just to type, let alone say out loud. I don't trust people. I don't trust them to not hurt me with whatever I might give them about my wants. It's easy to tell someone "I like chocolate ice cream". It's a lot harder to say "I like being tied up".

I don't mind not saying the c-words, or language of that nature. I'd just like to be comfortable expressing the things I'd like in terms a little more clear, and with some confidence behind it.

I understand.

Fury

 

[bisexplicit]

These words are a bitch just to type, let alone say out loud. I don't trust people. I don't trust them to not hurt me with whatever I might give them about my wants. It's easy to tell someone "I like chocolate ice cream". It's a lot harder to say "I like being tied up".

Despite my limited knowledge on the subject, I would think it is natural to have difficulty telling a new lover about a different sexual 'persuasion' or 'kink.' I think there are very few people who can confidentally express to someone knew that, yes, they prefer to be submissive in the bedroom, and not only that, but want x, y, or z. There are many people who could be completely astounded or revolted by such a thing. It's difficult to risk opening up and exposing a vulnerable part of yourself.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I LOVE to make my girl say those kind of things. It was really difficult for her at first, but she has come around on it tho she still occasionally has trouble with it.