Learning to be submissive

[Oh_sir]

This is a shared login between myself (the sub) and my mistress.

I've not naturally been a submissive person, so before starting this side of our relationship Mistress was quite surprised I was willing to embark on becoming submissive for her.

We started with ball tying and me sending pictures of my efforts to her. I had to ask permission to cum if I wanted to release.

Since then we've explored being blindfold while I lick her pussy, cum clean up and chastity cage.

Mistress is also new to this. Any tips or suggestions on other things she can do to make me a better sub for her?

 

[PaxNurgle]

You've discussed the sexual ways, but have you thought about the non-sexual ways you can be submissive to her? I say this because, if you are also submissive to her in non-sexual ways it may make her more receptive to topping you in the sexual situations you describe. In other words, do favors for her, help her around the house, learn to be attentive to her moods, ask her if she needs anything, or learn what she needs before being asked.

 

[Oh_sir]

Thanks for your thoughts PaxNurgle.

 

[davion2308]

I agree with Pax on this one. You identified yourself as not having a naturally submissive mindset. That'll make things either fun and interesting or a challenge when you're developing the new sub relationship.

I recommend not engaging in any submissive sexy fun time at first. Start with non-sexual activities. Be alert and attentive to her for the things she needs. Do chores, work, and listen and immediately respond to her asks or demands. Answer instantly and be responsible to her first before anything else you're doing.

When it starts outside the bedroom, your mindset can develop expectations and playing in the bedroom, or wherever, will become more submissive. You're practicing but not diving right into the sex. It's an intelligent progression so experiment and have some fun.

 

[seela]

How she can make you into the subbie of her dreams depends on what her dreams are. Do you know what they are? Does she know what they are? If you two are looking for ideas on what to do sexually, maybe checking out a BDSM check list might be a good idea, or maybe browsing some threads here to see what other people enjoy, looking at the pics, and just talking.

You don’t have to worry about what other people think a good sub should do and be. Figure out what works for you and your relationship.

Also, it’s completely valid to be submissive in the bedroom only and not in the rest of the relationship. Some people get off on the service, chores aspect, some are in it only for for kinky sexual shenanigans like orgasm control and spanking, some like both, and all are completely valid ways to be submissive.

 

[Oh_sir]

Thanks Seela- I don't think either of us have defined things that well as to "what a good sub is".

That's partly why I posted to gain some insight and inspiration from others as to what has worked well for them.

Really happy to hear suggestions and experiences if people are willing to share. I'm sure it will make for some interesting discussions!

 

[emme8]

A good sub is... whatever the dominant partner wants.
Back rubs, chores, kinky sex? It's up to her. And consider submitting might be keeping things more vanilla at times too. That's a hard way to submit to her desires, but also very appreciated by partners if they are not as kinky as their spouses.
just keep the focus on her.

 

[Oh_sir]

Thanks emme8, we don't live together so some of your thoughts might be a bit tricky to do, but it's given us some discussion points.

I think it's fair to say we're both quite kinky.

 

[emme8]

Thanks emme8, we don't live together so some of your thoughts might be a bit tricky to do, but it's given us some discussion points.

I think it's fair to say we're both quite kinky.

Maybe you can still go visit her just to do her chores.
Or just send her memes, jokes, and pictures you think she might enjoy. Or have doordash deliver her lunch at work.
Make her life easier. The sex will follow.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Great thoughts, all.

I'd love to slowly be trained to be submissive like that, but I don't want to be used at all just for sex, domestic chores or making her life easier while mine becomes harder. I'm not free labour any more than she's a fetish object.

It should be as much of a gift as domination is a sub's gift. About mutual desires which both of us can fulfill for each other.

 

[Lily Peg]

This is a shared login between myself (the sub) and my mistress.

I've not naturally been a submissive person, so before starting this side of our relationship Mistress was quite surprised I was willing to embark on becoming submissive for her.

We started with ball tying and me sending pictures of my efforts to her. I had to ask permission to cum if I wanted to release.

Since then we've explored being blindfold while I lick her pussy, cum clean up and chastity cage.

Mistress is also new to this. Any tips or suggestions on other things she can do to make me a better sub for her?

"Learning" to be a sub is less natural to me as l am by personality submissive. It's sort of false to learn to be a sub but to be trained to serve and obey as a specific role is more than possible.

 

[fma20fma]

I changed voluntarily to be submissive when i realized that it was i craved, when i enjoyed the kinks of my ex bf, sometimes vile and sometimes painful. my rectum and anus protested for two days whenever he visited me. but i enjoyed it when it was happening.

 

[Intrepid47]

All of the above are great examples of thoughtful deference and submission to your partner's needs, wants, and desires etc. They also clearly demonstrate that the recipient of our submission (sexual and otherwise) doesn't necessarily have to be dominant in order to be worthy of it or enjoy it.

That's why submission is truly a gift from the submissive to whomever they choose to share it with. By definition, the act of submitting means to selflessly accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person. It doesn't mean that the recipient of your "gift" of submission has to dress how you want, act how you want, or perform the kinky sex acts that you wish to be done to you.


I get your point, but what you describe isn't true submission at all. Not even close. It's your interpretation of submission as sexual fantasy and you're obviously quite clear and controlling about what you will and won't do to realize it. As you described it above it comes across as being all about you.

To paraphrase, I see: "I'd love to do this." "I don't want to do that." "I don't want to be used at all for x, y, or z." And most telling of all: "I'm not interested at all in making making her life easier while mine becomes harder. I'm not free labour."

That all smacks of "me me me" (no offense intended) and there's nothing even overtly submissive or selfless about it. In BDSM parlance that's typically referred to as topping from the bottom. Most experienced dominants quickly see it for the undesirable behavior that it is, and they either correct the sub's behavior or go looking elsewhere for a true submissive.

In more amateur or inexperienced situations, such as when a husband unexpectedly approaches his wife and professes a desire to submit to her, it's usually ends up being a show stopper that will quickly snuff out any enthusiasm she might have for playing along. Because why pretend to be dominant when your supposedly submissive hubby is laying down the rules about what he will and won't do to make her happy?

Please know that I'm not picking on you directly, nor am I challenging the validity of how you feel or what you do personally. I'm just using what you wrote as a classic example of the important and distinctive difference between people (males more often than not) who fantasize about occasionally feeling submissive or acting submissive, but don't really have any intention of being submissive to a superior partner, and those who truly desire to submit fully to the whims of another. (The latter being the original topic of this thread.)

The ultimate desire of a true submissive is to serve a superior partner in some manner where they demonstrate or satisfy some useful purpose, usually in exchange for discomfort or sacrifice on their own part. In other words, making her life easier in trade for making your own life harder is precisely the point.

That is an excellent treatise on this topic! Being inexperienced myself and with the same desires, I learned some things. Thanks.

 

[zcraft5]

"Learning" to be a sub is less natural to me as l am by personality submissive. It's sort of false to learn to be a sub but to be trained to serve and obey as a specific role is more than possible.

trying to leatn myself

 

[IrisAlthea]

I get your point, but what you describe isn't true submission at all. Not even close. It's your interpretation of submission as sexual fantasy and you're obviously quite clear and controlling about what you will and won't do to realize it. As you described it above it comes across as being all about you.

This is interesting.
Are you saying that it is a bad thing to know your limits and needs, going into a BDSM situation/relationship?

Personally, I find the use of ”true”, in front of both submissive and dominant, rather useless in a culture with so much variation when it comes to what people want and expect of each other.

The ultimate desire of a true submissive is to serve a superior partner in some manner where they demonstrate or satisfy some useful purpose, usually in exchange for discomfort or sacrifice on their own part. In other words, making her life easier in trade for making your own life harder is precisely the point.

What you write here is in such bright contrast with what you’ll often see written here sometimes about the ”true” dominant/daddy who is esentially Fitzwilliam Darcy with kink on top.

I think the only reasonable way to deal with this is what seela already said:

You don’t have to worry about what other people think a good sub should do and be. Figure out what works for you and your relationship.

Also, it’s completely valid to be submissive in the bedroom only and not in the rest of the relationship. Some people get off on the service, chores aspect, some are in it only for for kinky sexual shenanigans like orgasm control and spanking, some like both, and all are completely valid ways to be submissive.

Find what works for you and your partner and/or find your community where people share your ideas about how things ”should” be and what is ”true”.

 

[Abdelkaoolomocro]

You being naked in her presence. She calling you a name and you call her mistress. Worship het feet and footwear. Try drinking her piss. See how that feels

 

[BiBunny]

What you write here is in such bright contrast with what you’ll often see written here sometimes about the ”true” dominant/daddy who is esentially Fitzwilliam Darcy with kink on top.

I'm dead. This is my ghost replying to this post.

 

[Bettytheboo]

This is a shared login between myself (the sub) and my mistress.

I've not naturally been a submissive person, so before starting this side of our relationship Mistress was quite surprised I was willing to embark on becoming submissive for her.

We started with ball tying and me sending pictures of my efforts to her. I had to ask permission to cum if I wanted to release.

Since then we've explored being blindfold while I lick her pussy, cum clean up and chastity cage.

Mistress is also new to this. Any tips or suggestions on other things she can do to make me a better sub for her?

I don't think I learnt to be submissive, it's just the way I am with a man, it's quite an enjoyable state of mind as I personally learn a lot about men, what makes them tick and any kinks they have.

 

[Dom70]

trying to leatn myself

and how is that going for you?

 

[Dom70]

All of the above are great examples of thoughtful deference and submission to your partner's needs, wants, and desires etc. They also clearly demonstrate that the recipient of our submission (sexual and otherwise) doesn't necessarily have to be dominant in order to be worthy of it or enjoy it.

That's why submission is truly a gift from the submissive to whomever they choose to share it with. By definition, the act of submitting means to selflessly accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person. It doesn't mean that the recipient of your "gift" of submission has to dress how you want, act how you want, or perform the kinky sex acts that you wish to be done to you.


I get your point, but what you describe isn't true submission at all. Not even close. It's your interpretation of submission as sexual fantasy and you're obviously quite clear and controlling about what you will and won't do to realize it. As you described it above it comes across as being all about you.

To paraphrase, I see: "I'd love to do this." "I don't want to do that." "I don't want to be used at all for x, y, or z." And most telling of all: "I'm not interested at all in making making her life easier while mine becomes harder. I'm not free labour."

That all smacks of "me me me" (no offense intended) and there's nothing even overtly submissive or selfless about it. In BDSM parlance that's typically referred to as topping from the bottom. Most experienced dominants quickly see it for the undesirable behavior that it is, and they either correct the sub's behavior or go looking elsewhere for a true submissive.

In more amateur or inexperienced situations, such as when a husband unexpectedly approaches his wife and professes a desire to submit to her, it's usually ends up being a show stopper that will quickly snuff out any enthusiasm she might have for playing along. Because why pretend to be dominant when your supposedly submissive hubby is laying down the rules about what he will and won't do to make her happy?

Please know that I'm not picking on you directly, nor am I challenging the validity of how you feel or what you do personally. I'm just using what you wrote as a classic example of the important and distinctive difference between people (males more often than not) who fantasize about occasionally feeling submissive or acting submissive, but don't really have any intention of being submissive to a superior partner, and those who truly desire to submit fully to the whims of another. (The latter being the original topic of this thread.)

The ultimate desire of a true submissive is to serve a superior partner in some manner where they demonstrate or satisfy some useful purpose, usually in exchange for discomfort or sacrifice on their own part. In other words, making her life easier in trade for making your own life harder is precisely the point.

WELL said....THIS Dom does not do well with "I" statements in general...unless we are learning about each other. Some of those comments above would be grounds for dismissal and looking elsewhere. Just saying

 

[saintcero]

I feel more submissive every day. It’s like falling down the proverbial rabbit hole. I don’t know where the bottom will be.

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

Are you saying that it is a bad thing to know your limits and needs, going into a BDSM situation/relationship?

I understand it differently. Of course you must know your limits before they are breached. (or at least be able to recognize them, when play gets close to them)

But once sub has set those limits, it is not hers/his to control what the dom does as long as it is within those limits.

Then the "needs". The primary need should be the need to submit. It should not just be the interest to try activity x/y. These I would call preferences. Of course, as a sub certain aspects/activites/scenarios are preferable because they resound more with your type of submissiveness. I personally think it is fine to express them as the sub. It is very helpful if these preferences match those of the dom. If you are a painslut, but the dom is to timid to really cause you the pain that gets you off, then it is not going to work. Or if the dom wants to humiliate you in public, but this is not possible because it might expose you and damage your career.

Therefore I think it is good to be forthcoming with these things. And I believe a dom who does not take this into account should be avoided.

But once the playing field is defined, limits are set, preferences are understood and match, then the sub has to shut up and do as it is being told and endure what is forthcoming.

 

[Lily Peg]

Yes agreed it has to be a reciprocal relationship and once boundaries set and safe word understood then it's all good and ready for lift off!

 

[LarryTee50]

Your job is to do what she says. Her job is to give you what you want.

 

[Monica_112]

Thread is fascinating

what have you talked about, what brings a frisson to the conversation, or anxiety or a hard jo

watch some porn together, read some fantasies, experiment

what fun