Learning to be a Dom

[Telemon]

So, I'm a Dom in training. My partner has had experience in BDSM from previous relationships, but due to my own (boneheadedness), she subsumed her desire for that style of sexual relationship because she wanted to please me.

Anyway, after I finally pulled my head out of my arse, a few painful conversations, some digging up of old arguments, etc. we are playing around with D/S... Only problem is this: she is a sub and I would rather not just trial and error the role of a dom.

Anyone have any advice or tips?

 

[Quint]

Gotta tell ya. Even if you read all the information out there (www.castlerealm.com has excellent reading material) and have the natural tendency to be the dominant partner in a relationship (which you didn't even mention in your post), applying all of that will be a trial and error process.

First, ask yourself some questions.

What kind of dominant are you? Are you undertaking this role because it's expected of you or because you genuinely feel like you will get something out of it? Do you intend to make your girlfriend the object of your play, i.e. learn techniques to tease her, bring her pleasure, etc? Or do you want to fulfill your fantasies and desires, even if they are not what she wants? Are you interested in sadomasochism? Is she? Does it matter to you if she is?

Knowing yourself is much more important than knowing how to most effectively swing a flogger. All kinds of websites out there will teach you the lattter. I would start by filling out a checklist to determine what sorts of activities you and your partner are interested in pursuing. Also, don't be afraid to learn from her, even if she is your submissive. I knew much more about BDSM than my dominant when we began our relationship. He didn't and still does not feel threatened by that. Learn as much as you can. Finally, have fun!

(Whew, I think that's everything.)

 

[Telemon]

First of all, thanks for the post.

There are a number of reasons that I want to get into being a Dom, which include expanding my sexual experience (which is a neverending task, IMHO), playing, bringing my partner pleasure (which consequently gives me lots of pleasure), and because I do have fantasies that have been unexplored because of a negative reaction to BDSM I had in the past.

I frankly don't know how far into being a Dom I will go or feel comfortable going. I enjoy power durring sexual play, but do not enjoy being demanding in bed. For a while, I was a light sub, and liked the feeling of manipulative power that it gave me in bed. The reason that I am trying to learn to be more of a Dom is because my partner is a sub in bed, or at least with me, she is.

I am academically interested in Sadomasochism, but more on the abstract than the actual. I have read part of 'Consensual Sadomasochism', and fully understand the need for safe play and healthy boundries. This whole thing is just a little daunting for someone with a conservative midwestern upbringing .

Thanks a whole lot for the web reference. I'll definately look into it. Although, I do plan on learning a lot from my partner, there is something to be said about the element of surprise!

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

Welcome to Lit Telemon

None of us ever stop learning and expanding our boundaries, for me the power is the thing not the S&M. The fact that she is mine that is my thing.

Above all as the lady Quint said communication is the most crucial thing of everything you will ever learn, never fear to learn from your lady. The worst thing is not talking and it will go wrong if you don't.

More than that enjoy domination of her the sheer joy of making her yours in every way you want and watch her blossom

 

[catalina_francisco]

From your posting I would say you are headed in the right direction with wanting to explore all you can, and learn. Contrary to popular belief of new devotees though, for both Dominants and submissives, there is no arrival at a place where you have learnt all you could possible learn, so is in a sense a learn as you go experience, and a continual evolvement. What might fit this year might change the next, or with the next relationship, dependent on many factors.

If you have a partner who has some experience, I personally feel it is much better exploring with them than learning with someone else, which can seriously undermine trust with your intended partner, if not finish the relationship totally if that is not where they want to go. It does not mean your submissive is guiding the relationship, though to a certain extent in the early stages of any relationship of this type it is necessary to learn your submissives limts and fears, and how far you can safely push those limits, and build toward overcoming fears. A submissive has to have input to give you that knowledge no matter how experienced the Dominant is.

I would suggest doing the chiecklists and talking about them together, discussing similarities and differences, outlining possibilities and question marks for you both. Reading various sites, including the posting of Lit members who are living the various facets of the lifestyle, are always good ways to gain insight into how you feel about many areas, as well as helping define the direction you feel natural taking. Enjoy.

Catalina

 

[MasterNico]

Good Job so far, and Quint has some excellent points, in fact, they've all been good posts.

Best advice I can give is keep asking. If you can get to a group, or club where folks are playing, watch and learn. When they aren't involved in a scene, ask questions. Some people have big heads and will be jerks about it, some will be cool and pass on the knowlege they have. Seek those people out.

 

[Telemon]

Thank you all for your input and advice...

I hope that someday I may pass on some of this wisdom someday.

Thanks again,
Telemon

 

[snoozebutton]

I will say the most important thing is to remember it is a relationship first and foremost. Remember that all problems can't be solved in the "Domly" way. She will be less apt to speak of her fears and concerns as she gets deeper into her submission. Help her keep her submission coming from a strong place. Make sure the relationship stays strong as it is the pillars your D/s relationship rest.

 

[ownedsubgal]

imo, one cannot "learn" to be Dominant, anymore than one can learn to be submissive. you either are, or you aren't. that's not to say that there's nothing to be learned in this lifestyle...there are many lifetimes worth of knowledge and experience out there to be had...but as far as actually being a Dominant? that is something within you from the start, always. or perhaps you meant Top (sexual) and not Dom?

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

Although ownedsubgal you may be dominant without having a clue as to knowing the full potential, otherwise you are right you don't learn dom'

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

You know what Johnny's #1 rule for a new Dom is? When the sub starts to make you feel pressured into doing something, and you tell her to go sit in the corner until you feel like playing, and actually wait until you feel like playing...only then are you truly a Dom.

 

[James G 5]

imo, one cannot "learn" to be Dominant, anymore than one can learn to be submissive. you either are, or you aren't. that's not to say that there's nothing to be learned in this lifestyle...there are many lifetimes worth of knowledge and experience out there to be had...but as far as actually being a Dominant? that is something within you from the start, always. or perhaps you meant Top (sexual) and not Dom?

osg, lots of guys (and some gals even) might have the INCLINATION to be dominant but due to social training & stigmas and fears they might be uncomfortable ACTING on those feelings
I had a lot of issues with that when I first got in to ths, still do at times

it's a very valid question tho...Telemon, are you wondering how to learn to swing a flogger & tie a rope, advice on setting rules & controls, sexual dominance, 24/7 TPE, Master/slave, etc etc?
Have you learned enough to define the terms of what you want to learn yet?

 

[A Desert Rose]

This site is geared to the Dom and has some good information:

http://www.submissiveloving.com/maledom.html

 

[MissTaken]

I would suggest beginning slowly.

Give simple directions for her to prepare for time with you.

Try things before sex or during sex that build on what you are already comfortable with. If you have enjoyed a bit of spanking together, build on it, increase the duration, increase the pressure, perhaps add a small tool or implement.

Then, the next time, do some more spanking and add another component until you find yourself comfortable enough to try other things that you have both indicated an interest in.

No one becomes a whip wielding mighty Dominant over night!

*evil grin*

Also, if she is submissive, that submission can be teased and tantalized with these simple tasks and expectations while you find your comfort zone.

 

[Ms_Kat]

Suggestions

Find some books by Gloria Brame, or look up her website.

Also, find a local BDSM group where you can discuss some things like what kinds of knots you don't want to tie and what kinds you do.

Start small and work your way up.


Hugs,



Kat

 

[Telemon]

Thank you all,

Believe you me, all of your suggestions and comments will be pondered at some length.

My partner was much relieved to know that I was willing to turn to mentors such as ya'all... in fact, she is thinking about getting sub pointers (she has only had sub experience with women).

Should be illuminating, at the least.

Thanks again,
Telemonian Ajax

 

[sloan]

Thank you all........

Telemons question is my own, and I appreciate the wisdom- Sloan