Learn to be a Dom

[subkit]

Is it possible for a person to learn to be a Dom?

For some reason I blurted out to my vanilla bf (now fiance) that I was interested in 'some' kinky stuff. He started doing research and bought some props and outfits for me to dress up as his slave.

Unfortunately for me .. it lacks .. something. Everything. To him it is essentially role-playing. He gets to see me dressed up in whatever he wants me to be in (and I enjoy it) but he really does not know how to handle me the way it should.

For example once I told him to pull my hair - and then any time henceforth when we're at it doggy style, he'll grasp my hair from one side and pull it .. painfully until I have a crick in my neck.

Or to spank me - i have to prompt him to spank .. even when my ass is out there wiggling on the bed. The spanks are just not right or halfhearted.

He's mentioned that he's afraid he'll hurt me and sometimes I wish that he'll (safely) throw me around in bed sometimes and REALLY manhandle me the way a woman and a sub should.

Am I just being a total b*tch here?

 

[BiBunny]

This is just my opinion, but no, you can't *learn* to be either a dominant or a sadist.

You can learn to use the toys and do the technical stuff. You can make up lists of rules for the other person to follow. You can posture and bullshit all you want. But when it comes down to it, you either have the attitude, or you don't.

And being dominant, like being submissive, is, at core, a mindset, really. Some people have it; some people don't.

 

[subkit]

Thanks BiBunny

Is it possible for a relationship between a vanilla-ish guy + a sub girl to work?

I've managed to stamp down what I've felt for years since I could never find someone I could explore it with .. but now I find out that .. maybe it is something I need.

But is it more important than everything else? Can I live without it? Ugh .. so many questions and no answers really

There's also the fact that his previous gf introduced him to the pleasures of prostate massage (fingers, toys) and he's begging me to bend him over and take him on with a strap-on. To be honest, that repulses me - not in the way you would think - but obviously I'm a sub and this is essentially out of the character since I would be dominating him instead? Am I right? I'm worried that I can never look at him the same after that so have been holding him off on it.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi subkit

I had the same problem as you with nilla guys and I'm afraid it didn't work out longterm for me. Unless a guy actually enjoys and is aroused by dominating and hurting you, that D/s spark is never going to be there. Sorry to be negative but it has been my experience and lots of people post here feeling trapped in kink free relationships/marriages.

As to prostate massage, I don't have a problem with it and have performed it on Master. The difference with us is that our roles are very clearly defined. Everything I do for him is service so I don't have any trouble with either the massage itself or respecting him as my Master afterwards. It does feel a little weird to essentially have the control but whatever he's up to, my Master is always the one calling the shots.

As you lack this dynamic with your guy, I can see how it would feel like a domineering thing to do. Do you think it's possible he's also sub? If so, maybe you can switch around and pleasure each other through dominance.

I would be careful though, of making demands and saying you want to be dominated, while denying him his own fantasy. Unless he really understands the sub mindset, it could seem selfish and will make him less inclined to go all out to realise your fantasies of submission.

Think a bit of quid pro quo is needed here. You could always direct him to this forum for advice on being domly in a safe way. There are plenty of threads around on prostate massage too.

 

[subkit]

Thanks for your honesty VelvetDarkness.

I object more to using a strap-on on him than anything else. Maybe it's a mindset thing with being the one in control instead of him. Or because he's so pushy about it at times. He hasn't done it with anyone before but I presume it's top on his list.

He's already said how he's indulged my kink so I would have to indulge his too. It hurt when he said it, though .. so then maybe yes I am being selfish.

I do plan on exploring prostate massage with fingers, toys. And asked him to buy a book that explained strap-on sex.

Not too sure whether he's a sub himself. But he has mentioned a typical guy fantasy of having a girl dressed up in a leather catsuit, with a whip + tall boots and ordering him around.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks BiBunny

Is it possible for a relationship between a vanilla-ish guy + a sub girl to work?

I've managed to stamp down what I've felt for years since I could never find someone I could explore it with .. but now I find out that .. maybe it is something I need.

But is it more important than everything else? Can I live without it? Ugh .. so many questions and no answers really

There's also the fact that his previous gf introduced him to the pleasures of prostate massage (fingers, toys) and he's begging me to bend him over and take him on with a strap-on. To be honest, that repulses me - not in the way you would think - but obviously I'm a sub and this is essentially out of the character since I would be dominating him instead? Am I right? I'm worried that I can never look at him the same after that so have been holding him off on it.

Some kinky people are able to make it work with 'nilla partners. Some aren't. I think the deeper you feel your submissive and/or dominant desires and the more ingrained they are within your character, the less likely you are to be happy without having those things fulfilled. In other words, it's a decision you have to make for yourself. And, yes, lack of sexual fulfillment *is* a valid reason to choose not to continue a relationship. I know a lot of people believe otherwise, but if sexual fulfillment is very important to you, there's no sense in having both people be miserable because they don't match up in this regard.

I, personally, don't even bother with vanilla relationships anymore. They're fine for vanilla people, but not for me. I'm actually even to the point where I'm realizing I can't be with Dom/mes or subs. It takes a fellow switch (particularly a bi one) to keep my interest.

As far as the strap-on thing, I'm afraid I can't advise you. To me, a man who can submit and still retain his dominance over me is hot, but I know most subs would say otherwise. Like I said in the other paragraph, I'm to the point where only switches interest me. Dom/mes and subs just aren't multi-faceted enough to keep me interested anymore.

But I think you sort of have to look at it this way. Fucking him with a strap-on is something you're not interested in doing, like being dominant over you is something he's not interested in. Can the two of you live with each others' mutual disinterest in the others' interests? (And how many times can use some form of the word "interest" in one post?)

I realize I didn't really answer your questions, but I think this is really something that's unique to each individual. In other words, you probably need to do a good bit of soul-searching. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Not too sure whether he's a sub himself. But he has mentioned a typical guy fantasy of having a girl dressed up in a leather catsuit, with a whip + tall boots and ordering him around.

Sounds pretty submissive to me. On the other hand, giving him a taste of what you want for yourself might teach him that he can get genuinely rough and not break you.

I do agree with BB though, these things have to be worked out on a very personal level. I would strongly suggest holding off on marriage or any further major commitment until you both have figured this out.

 

[EdanaMorgan]

My fiance was a complete vanilla before we started exploring. He hasn't gotten the hang of being a Dom yet. He's very afraid of hurting me, even though I enjoy pain. I'm working him up in stages (horsehair flogger before the leather). It drives me crazy sometimes because I have to "top from the bottom"- tell him how to dominate me. It can be very frustrating. I don't know anything about dealing with a submissive partner. The one relationship I had with another submissive ended before sex became a factor. I don't have much in the way of advice for you, but there is hope. Remember that comprimise is necessary sometimes. Who knows, maybe you'll find another side of yourself that you never knew existed. Good luck and keep your chin up.

 

[CheekyBoots]

There's also the fact that his previous gf introduced him to the pleasures of prostate massage (fingers, toys) and he's begging me to bend him over and take him on with a strap-on. To be honest, that repulses me - not in the way you would think - but obviously I'm a sub and this is essentially out of the character since I would be dominating him instead? Am I right? I'm worried that I can never look at him the same after that so have been holding him off on it.

Oh, I can feel your pain! My bf of a few years ago asked me what my fantasies were. So I said "I've always wanted to be tied up, blindfolded, gagged, spanked, beaten, bossed around, and entirely used..." He excitedly responded, "Really?! Me too!!!" as if this similarity made us a perfect match. Wha...?!

Needless to say, the physical side of our relationship was very frustrating. I tried playing the watered down domme role he wanted... and became sadly disgusted with him. I just couldn't stand watching him whimper under just a few girly slaps. Pathetic. Sorry I can't help you with any helpful advice, though! But yeah, I sooo understand the frustrations of sub on sub. No good.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Are you so sure he is vanilla? From personal experience and the myriad of similar threads here it seems that usually when one partner suggests to the vanilla partner they would like to go a little kinky that the less kinky partner rarely does anything about it or even wants to go there, certainly not quickly. You say your partner went out and bought lots of things to use and play with after you mentioned it, but you are just not satisfied with what and how it is going? That to me doesn't necessarily say he isn't into it unless you feel you already know everything and unless it happens just as you imagine it should, it isn't real. Sounds to me like you might have someone who already has some of those desires themselves...maybe not, but why write them off so quickly when they have at least made an effort?

What you will find in reality is that many a sadist/Dominant/PYL will begin by being cautious, reluctant to go too far too fast, even declare some things as totally unacceptable only to later include them amongst their favourite acts. That in itself is not a bad thing or a sign they 'don't have what it takes'...being afraid they might hurt you is fairly usual for those beginning to explore and not necessarily a sign they are not Dominant. It shows they care, they acknowledge their inexperience, and also that they also like many pyl's on this journey, need to take steps at their pace to get to where they will eventually end up. I am wary of someone inexperienced on either side of the whip who wants to get to xyz from the first day or so, first couple of sessions, and find often it is based on a lack of recognition of just how much serious damage can be done with someone just letting fly with all their deepest, darkest desires, or plain old impatience...patience can be a well learned tool in D/s. So he's not the perfect Dom at this point, are you the perfect sub?

It takes time, it often takes more time just for them to feel comfortable releasing some of those desires, and even more so, who you are with can very well direct what desires come to the fore and what they feel comfortable with and accept. Of course, communication (both talking and listening on both sides) is also necessary. There are some things we participate in which were once on the 'never going to happen' list for one or both of us, but through communicating, exploring together, being honest about how we really feel, we have found them to be high on the list of things we love doing now. Some of those things are also things which though one of us (or both) wanted to try, we never wanted to try them with anyone else so they never happened with others. Without feeling comfortable enough to be able to open up those darker places of ourselves we would never have gotten there...and what one person considers dark, may be common place and a non-issue to another...everyone is different, everyone has different triggers, everyone has a different history and all these things contribute to what is going to happen in a scene.

Add to that there have been countless cases of people in D/s relationships who have found themselves in court or worse when a partner decided they no longer wanted to play or that things hadn't gone the way they wanted even though they consented and enjoyed them at the time, coupled with the prevalent messages in the community and media about domestic abuse, and you have yet another good reason why a PYL might not want to toss you around a bed straight away and manhandle you to their heart's desire just because you tell them you think you might like it...I also don't hold with it is 'the way a woman or sub should' be handled...not everyone is the same. Of course there is also the issue of it not being all about doing just what the pyl likes and wants...maybe he wants to try things you are not that keen on or don't work for you, same as some of the things you want might not ring his bells (maybe he really does like to pull your hair while doing doggy until you get a crick in your neck..I know someone who would make a point of doing it if he knew that was the result)....once again it is about communicating, compromising at times, experimenting, finding ways to step it up for each other, but above all building trust both ways in terms of venturing into this play. Bottom line though, if you feel he doesn't do it for you and never will, it might be you need to end the relationship and find someone who does work for you...only you can answer that.

Catalina

 

[hisdirtycumbag]

I agree with BiBunny. I had all vanilla relationships until i met my now Master, we met online and within 2 months he came to Holland to see me then within 6 weeks of that blissfull weekend when he came over, he moved to Holland to be with me and 12 months down the line we are very happy and settled and for the first time in my life i am truely happy.

He is a true Master and at last i am able to be the sub i always dreamed of being and knew i was, in previous relationships the partners i had just didnt understand, i feel now they were probably subs themselves lol.

I would say you need to sit down and communicate with each other and find out more as to what you both want I wish you success and all the happiness in the world.

 

[TenJed69]

I think you can totally learn to be a dom. Or a sub. Some people are born with it, some people will develop it. Sure, there are people who will never be able to be a dom or a sub, or who can only be one (or who can only be both!). But equally there are open minded people who can learn, and I suspect also a lot of people who are subs or doms and don't know it yet!

My sub, when we first started going out was very stubborn and while she wasn't 'dominant' in that she ordered me around, she didn't act sub-like in the slightest, at least not outside the bedroom, and even then it was like bottoming from the top - she wanted to be spanked because she liked being spanked, not because she wanted to please me.

But over time she's learned to become a passable little slut who can serve me. She still needs copious training of course, but she's on the right path now

 

[JMohegan]

I object more to using a strap-on on him than anything else. Maybe it's a mindset thing with being the one in control instead of him. Or because he's so pushy about it at times. He hasn't done it with anyone before but I presume it's top on his list.

As food for thought, consider the mixed messages you're sending here. Given your stated goal, this resistance seems quite counterproductive to me.

You say you want him to be in charge in the bedroom. He says: Great! Get a strap-on, I love anal play! You object, and resist the opportunity to obey his instructions, defer to his preferences, and please him on *his* terms rather than yours.

obviously I'm a sub

I'll take your word for it, but if this is the case then I'll also recommend that you start acting like one with your partner. This will be the difference between encouraging and emboldening him on the hand, and frustrating and confusing him on the other.

I do not believe that you can turn someone into a Dom or sadist if they don't have the basic urges. However, these urges absolutely *can* be fostered, encouraged, developed, strengthened, and even discovered where previously latent.

 

[JMohegan]

Are you so sure he is vanilla? From personal experience and the myriad of similar threads here it seems that usually when one partner suggests to the vanilla partner they would like to go a little kinky that the less kinky partner rarely does anything about it or even wants to go there, certainly not quickly. You say your partner went out and bought lots of things to use and play with after you mentioned it, but you are just not satisfied with what and how it is going? That to me doesn't necessarily say he isn't into it unless you feel you already know everything and unless it happens just as you imagine it should, it isn't real. Sounds to me like you might have someone who already has some of those desires themselves...maybe not, but why write them off so quickly when they have at least made an effort?

What you will find in reality is that many a sadist/Dominant/PYL will begin by being cautious, reluctant to go too far too fast, even declare some things as totally unacceptable only to later include them amongst their favourite acts. That in itself is not a bad thing or a sign they 'don't have what it takes'...being afraid they might hurt you is fairly usual for those beginning to explore and not necessarily a sign they are not Dominant. It shows they care, they acknowledge their inexperience, and also that they also like many pyl's on this journey, need to take steps at their pace to get to where they will eventually end up. I am wary of someone inexperienced on either side of the whip who wants to get to xyz from the first day or so, first couple of sessions, and find often it is based on a lack of recognition of just how much serious damage can be done with someone just letting fly with all their deepest, darkest desires, or plain old impatience...patience can be a well learned tool in D/s. So he's not the perfect Dom at this point, are you the perfect sub?

It takes time, it often takes more time just for them to feel comfortable releasing some of those desires, and even more so, who you are with can very well direct what desires come to the fore and what they feel comfortable with and accept. Of course, communication (both talking and listening on both sides) is also necessary. There are some things we participate in which were once on the 'never going to happen' list for one or both of us, but through communicating, exploring together, being honest about how we really feel, we have found them to be high on the list of things we love doing now. Some of those things are also things which though one of us (or both) wanted to try, we never wanted to try them with anyone else so they never happened with others. Without feeling comfortable enough to be able to open up those darker places of ourselves we would never have gotten there...and what one person considers dark, may be common place and a non-issue to another...everyone is different, everyone has different triggers, everyone has a different history and all these things contribute to what is going to happen in a scene.

Add to that there have been countless cases of people in D/s relationships who have found themselves in court or worse when a partner decided they no longer wanted to play or that things hadn't gone the way they wanted even though they consented and enjoyed them at the time, coupled with the prevalent messages in the community and media about domestic abuse, and you have yet another good reason why a PYL might not want to toss you around a bed straight away and manhandle you to their heart's desire just because you tell them you think you might like it...I also don't hold with it is 'the way a woman or sub should' be handled...not everyone is the same. Of course there is also the issue of it not being all about doing just what the pyl likes and wants...maybe he wants to try things you are not that keen on or don't work for you, same as some of the things you want might not ring his bells (maybe he really does like to pull your hair while doing doggy until you get a crick in your neck..I know someone who would make a point of doing it if he knew that was the result)....once again it is about communicating, compromising at times, experimenting, finding ways to step it up for each other, but above all building trust both ways in terms of venturing into this play. Bottom line though, if you feel he doesn't do it for you and never will, it might be you need to end the relationship and find someone who does work for you...only you can answer that.

Catalina

This is a great post.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

catalina is da bomb!

LOTS of us sadistic evil bastards were taught from the cradle to the present that striking a woman is wrong, that being rough is wrong, that being kinky is wrong, that the things we fantasize about are wrong.

It takes time, validation, and encouragement to overcome that life long social conditioning.

Cut the guy some slack. Enthusiastically obey his commands, demonstrate YOUR willingness to submit. Fuck him in the ass and call him a naughty boy if that validates HIS feelings. Heeeellllllllllllllllloooo, you have to let him know it's okay to indulge.

The "Domliness" may increase as his inhibitions are lowered. Or it may be that he is a switch. Or really a sub. But you won't discover what's in there until you actually make the journey.

 

[intothewoods]

Just some food for thought: I blew it with my ex when he made some efforts with me, and those were far less than what you're talking about. Now, there were other things going on and maybe we were doomed anyway, but I do wish I would have given him some time, and also some credit for trying. These things don't happen overnight.

 

[subwannabe]

Where do I begin? I guess in the beginning. First of all, you have unlocked a part of yourself and you are not going to be truly happy with your life unless you can experience it, and, more than likely, once you experience it, you will not want to ever turn back. Did I get enough commas in there? Anyway, I would ponder about things before setting the date and actually going through with a marriage. I'm not saying this can't work. What I am saying is that you are not going to be happy unless you can experience what you want and if your "fiance" isn't going to be able to make the trip (or at least halfway) then inevitably, your relationship will fail somewhere down the road when you don't feel fulfilled.

I would like to believe that you can learn to be more dominant than you were. My wife and I are in a somewhat similar position, although kind of opposite. I would like to be dominated, and she has a hard time being that way, although she has been trying. It just doesn't come to her naturally. When we got married I thought we could be switches but she didn't seem to like being dominant and struggled with it to the point where she really didn't want to do it. On the other hand, I tried dominating her but she apparently didn't like that either. I was ok with it but she never seemed to like the things I ordered her to do and didn't like the things I did to her. It got to the point where she didn't really want to do much at all and I felt like, "What's the point of dominating her if she has a multipage list of everything she doesn't want to do?". Nothing we really did was that far out there and would be considered somewhat close to "vanilla" by most people on this site.

Anyway, the point of it all is somehow you need to communicate with him about all of these things before you officially tie the knot. No matter how much you think you can convince yourself that there are more important things in life than sex, if you aren't satisfied then ten years down the road you will come accross someone who will bring these feelings out in you and you may have a weak moment and the next thing you know, your life will be destroyed. I know finding a compatible lifelong partner isn't easy these days but if you settle now you will feel unsatisfied later.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks BiBunny

Is it possible for a relationship between a vanilla-ish guy + a sub girl to work?

I've managed to stamp down what I've felt for years since I could never find someone I could explore it with .. but now I find out that .. maybe it is something I need.

But is it more important than everything else? Can I live without it? Ugh .. so many questions and no answers really

There's also the fact that his previous gf introduced him to the pleasures of prostate massage (fingers, toys) and he's begging me to bend him over and take him on with a strap-on. To be honest, that repulses me - not in the way you would think - but obviously I'm a sub and this is essentially out of the character since I would be dominating him instead? Am I right? I'm worried that I can never look at him the same after that so have been holding him off on it.

I have men fuck my pussy, and girls with strap ons too. None of them necessarily dominating me. Rather the opposite.

JMohegan brings up a good point.

 

[chris9]

I do think it's possible to have a relationship, to even have satisfying sex, when BDSM needs are not addressed. I also think that it's way harder to win the battles of life together if sex is not as great/kinky/romantic as one of the partners dream it to be.

I don't think it really matters to his want and/or ability to dominate, if he's submissive or if he's vanilla. I don't think it's easier for a kinky person who does not want power exchange to be dominant for their partners than for a submissive person.

 

[twysted73]

Anything's possible

But what quality of Dominant are you looking to have after you've "trained" one?

I could be very good at drawing. But if I lack a passion for it. The innder drive for it, I won't be a very good one. By good I mean the feeling in my art would be lacking as much as a photocopied image from your HP printer.


Just my two.

 

[YourCaptor]

Is it possible for a person to learn to be a Dom?

For some reason I blurted out to my vanilla bf (now fiance) that I was interested in 'some' kinky stuff. He started doing research and bought some props and outfits for me to dress up as his slave.

Unfortunately for me .. it lacks .. something. Everything. To him it is essentially role-playing. He gets to see me dressed up in whatever he wants me to be in (and I enjoy it) but he really does not know how to handle me the way it should.

For example once I told him to pull my hair - and then any time henceforth when we're at it doggy style, he'll grasp my hair from one side and pull it .. painfully until I have a crick in my neck.

Or to spank me - i have to prompt him to spank .. even when my ass is out there wiggling on the bed. The spanks are just not right or halfhearted.

He's mentioned that he's afraid he'll hurt me and sometimes I wish that he'll (safely) throw me around in bed sometimes and REALLY manhandle me the way a woman and a sub should.

Am I just being a total b*tch here?

This is an experimental thought. There may be a suppressed dom deep inside, if there is you can dig him out.

1. Boost his ego like there is no tomorrow, make him feel like he entitled to anything he wants, even go past that basically worship him, dot the 50’s housewife thing. It will take a lot of effort, but after a few weeks he may feel so good about himself he will disregard his inhibitions.
2. Once he’s feeling like king of the world deny him any kind of sex, keep sucking up to him but just don’t have sex. I give it 3 days max before he jumps you

However there may be no dom in their, in that case all this will probably just confuse him then. Could be worth a try.

 

[madetotakeit]

My ex was very willing to play. On the surface he seems like he has the qualities that would make him an excellent Dom. He's an Alpha Male, intelligent, creative, attentive, and fairly open minded. It was through our play that I first got the inkling of what was hidden inside me.

We had a good sex life. We played with restraining, blindfolds, candles, force play, knife play (once), scratching, biting, he even fashioned a flogger...two passionate people doing whatever came to mind. But in the end, it was playful. Even then I knew that something was missing, some extra level I couldn't put into words.

I had the opportunity to see just how different things feel with someone who is simply playing and somebody who feels it in their core. My ex came to visit on the heels of a session I had. Granted, I was still sore from the previous fun so it was fresh in my mind, but the difference could not be ignored. He was doing some of the things that I need, but I felt like I was going through the motions. The spanks were enough to be felt, but lacked a passion. The fist in my hair pulling my head back was not accompanied by a sense of control or holding back. There was no transference of a sense of being able to go farther. I was never just in the moment. Each sensation against where I was already sore simply made me remember how I became sore in the first place and how that tenuous promise of what could follow wasn't there. The motions were there but what was lacking was the heart. Not in the romantic terms, but in the sense that his heart wasn't in it.

I recognized the difference when I realized I was next to someone who loves me, who knows me better than anyone else, who has a very honed emotional sadism streak when it comes to me, but given my choice...

To answer the OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is obvious that he wants to make you happy. I would have to ask however does he make you happy? Are his attempts enough for you? Personally, I don't want someone who learns to do things simply because they are things I want. I want someone who brings their own fire to the mix, their own passion, their own needs. Going through the motions is simply not enough.

 

[mdiaz451]

well...

interesting thread. Do you ever read Savage Love? Advice column for people up-front about their kinks... his suggestion is that if you get in a serious relationship with somebody you should both vow to be a total slut for your partner, that is, you will indulge them in whatever they want as long as they do the same for you, and truly leave your reservations at the bedroom (or dungeon) door.

In reality, it's not so clear cut. You want a real Dom (like ME... honey, you busy tonight?) he may like some things that just don't turn you on. I love to dominate, but dated a domme/switch/sub woman who would occasionlly tie me up. Did I like it? No, but it was interesting, and as she put it, "I'll always let you get me back." Was I ready to be her "sub"? no way. it was not a total turn off, and she liked it. and I did it in the spirit of indulgence and curiosity. For a "my way or the highway" type Dom/Master that scenario would never work.

If the role play is not too far from your true limits, it can work. If you really don't feel it, even if you play the role pretty well, you will probably have no personal spark, no sexual electricity. best wishes... oh, and if you want to play for real... let me know... heh heh

 

[ShyVixen]

Is it possible for a person to learn to be a Dom?

For some reason I blurted out to my vanilla bf (now fiance) that I was interested in 'some' kinky stuff. He started doing research and bought some props and outfits for me to dress up as his slave.

Unfortunately for me .. it lacks .. something. Everything. To him it is essentially role-playing. He gets to see me dressed up in whatever he wants me to be in (and I enjoy it) but he really does not know how to handle me the way it should.

For example once I told him to pull my hair - and then any time henceforth when we're at it doggy style, he'll grasp my hair from one side and pull it .. painfully until I have a crick in my neck.

Or to spank me - i have to prompt him to spank .. even when my ass is out there wiggling on the bed. The spanks are just not right or halfhearted.

He's mentioned that he's afraid he'll hurt me and sometimes I wish that he'll (safely) throw me around in bed sometimes and REALLY manhandle me the way a woman and a sub should.

Am I just being a total b*tch here?

For some people, it can work out. Cat and everyone else have given some great advice.

And no, you are not being a total bitch for vocing your needs and thoughts. But give him a little credit in that he did some research. It shows potential that things can work out between you.

From personal experience, not all vanilla partners are willing to put the time and effort into the research. Or even willing to indulge you with some hair pulling and spanking. I spent almost three years trying to make things work out with a vanilla partner and it just didn't happen.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I'll take your word for it, but if this is the case then I'll also recommend that you start acting like one with your partner. This will be the difference between encouraging and emboldening him on the hand, and frustrating and confusing him on the other.

I do not believe that you can turn someone into a Dom or sadist if they don't have the basic urges. However, these urges absolutely *can* be fostered, encouraged, developed, strengthened, and even discovered where previously latent.

Well put, bro.

You said what I was thinking.