why_me884
New Years Resolution-None
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2006
- Posts
- 1,796
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
imready2
For mutual pleasures
- Joined
- May 13, 2007
- Posts
- 2,679
Hahaha!
I know blondes are supposed to have more fun but at what expense
BAD...snickering and shaking head
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A Confession* In Church
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Dead Penguins - I never knew this
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica? Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which
lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to
its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to
be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica? Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which
lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to
its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to
be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
hunnyblonde
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2012
- Posts
- 271
I have a couple of books called "The Bunny Suicides". A little morbid, but funny stuff.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
I'd heard of the books before but had not seen anything, thanks for sharing those few pics. Some funny stuff to be sure.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Food for thought
-------------------------------------------
At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
-----------------------------------
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
---------------------------------------------
If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
-------------------------------------------
At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
-----------------------------------
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
---------------------------------------------
If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The*Washcloth
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologists later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45am.
*
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I*didn't have any
time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take*a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this*time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So, I*rushed*upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth
that was*sitting next*to*the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I*was*at least presentable.
*
I threw the washcloth in the clothes*basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and*raced to my*appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when*I was called in.
Knowing the procedure,*as I'm sure you do, I hopped*up on the table,
looked over at the other*side of the room*and*pretended that I was in*
Paris*or some other place a*million miles*away. I was a little surprised
when the doctor said,*'My, we have made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we?'
I*didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief*and went home.
*
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping,*cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6-year-old daughter was*playing, she called out
from the bathroom,*'Mommy, where's my*washcloth?'
I told her to get another one from the*cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the*sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles*saved inside*it.'
Never going back to that doctor. Ever.
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologists later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45am.
*
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I*didn't have any
time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take*a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this*time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So, I*rushed*upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth
that was*sitting next*to*the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I*was*at least presentable.
*
I threw the washcloth in the clothes*basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and*raced to my*appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when*I was called in.
Knowing the procedure,*as I'm sure you do, I hopped*up on the table,
looked over at the other*side of the room*and*pretended that I was in*
Paris*or some other place a*million miles*away. I was a little surprised
when the doctor said,*'My, we have made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we?'
I*didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief*and went home.
*
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping,*cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6-year-old daughter was*playing, she called out
from the bathroom,*'Mommy, where's my*washcloth?'
I told her to get another one from the*cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the*sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles*saved inside*it.'
Never going back to that doctor. Ever.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Truth!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Why God Made Moms:
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world
and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot .
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who
you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world
and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot .
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who
you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
too funny
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is. So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his left and sees a big guy come in.
The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge. The guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to the sink, swings it and smashes the sink in two. He then goes over to the toilet doors and smashes it in half.
He says to the first man, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!"
The guy goes, "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."
The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge. The guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to the sink, swings it and smashes the sink in two. He then goes over to the toilet doors and smashes it in half.
He says to the first man, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!"
The guy goes, "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
How do I explain my literally LOL to all the other passengers on the plane?! Too funny!
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
There's only one way, but someone would have been offended and your name would suddenly appear on the 'no fly' list. Don't you just love jokes that do that to you?
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there
was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have
sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Iowa or Kansas.
____________________________________________________________
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there
was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have
sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Iowa or Kansas.
____________________________________________________________
- Status
