Laughter is Contagious

[smotherman]

Day off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

[ga400us]

Little Girl On A Plane

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

 

[ga400us]

If You Are From NJ ...You’ll understand.


I was in Florida....and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read 'I miss Newark.'

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."

 

[smoothdevil]

Sniffer Dog


A man had just boarded the plane and settled into his seat when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his
Black Labrador in the middle seat between them.

The man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

He dog owner explained that he was from a DEA agent and that the dog
Was a 'contraband sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you when we get airborne and I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and when it leveled out, the Agent said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and sat next to a woman for several
Seconds.

He then returned and put one paw on the Agent's arm.

The Agent patted his head and said, 'Good boy'.
He explained, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the man.

Once again, the Agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed around, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, and then returned. This time he placed both paws
On the Agent's arm.

The Agent said, 'Two paws mean that passenger is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number.'

'Wow, I'm impressed!' said the man.

The Agent sent Sniffer on the 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles and after
Awhile, sat down a moment, then came racing back to the Agent,
Jumped up in the middle seat and proceeded to shit profusely all over it.

The man was really disgusted by this and
Couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would do that.

He asked the Agent, 'What the devil is going on with your dog?'

The Agent, visibly shaken, replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

 

[ga400us]

Sniffer Dog


A man had just boarded the plane and settled into his seat…

Now that's funny. It's be funnier if I didn't fly every week!

 

[smoothdevil]

Now that's funny. It's be funnier if I didn't fly every week!

You don't have to worry until you see a Sniffer dog ... lol

 

[ga400us]

You don't have to worry until you see a Sniffer dog ... lol

True, I hope there isn't one tonight!

 

[ga400us]

During his midnight ride on April 18, 1775, Paul Revere did not shout, "The British are coming." Instead, his call was "The regulars are coming The regulars were the British troops. Apparently, you could be considered "regular" in those days even if you were a constipated Brit.

 

[smotherman]

Cussing

Two brothers, 6 & 8 were discussing whether the words 'hell' & 'ass' were cuss words. They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn't believe they were bad words. Let's try it out on mom. The 8yr old went in the kitchen, his mom asked: "what would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon & eggs?" He said: "What the hell, give me some cheerios", and she smacked him across the face. The 6yr old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said: "And what do you want?" He said: "You can bet your ass I'm not asking for cheerios".

 

[smoothdevil]

OUCHHHHHHHHHHHH


It is very rare to get an apology from a hospital when a mistake has been made, so this one should be treasured:


Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick.

We apologize for the amputation.

Regards,

St. Vitus Medical Center
Canannuga, Mississippi

 

[settledseas]

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8v61yTizU1qh8ojpo1_500.jpg

 

[smotherman]

A Chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar. Spielberg suddenly slapped the Chinese..

Chinese: why?

Spielberg: Because you bombed Pearl Harbor! My father died there!

Chinese: But I am Chinese, not Japanese.

Spielberg: You fool! Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Taiwanese, you are all the same.

The Chinese punched Spielberg.

Spielberg: Why did you do that?

Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.

Spielberg: But Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, stupid!

Chinese: Iceberg, carlsberg, spielberg, you are all the same!!

 

[ga400us]

Dating in 1960

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have
a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued . "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"The damned dance is called the TWIST!

 

[ga400us]

Gunshot to the Head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.—

God Bless America!

 

[ga400us]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.

We're on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today and
hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.


He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner....I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............

He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

 

[ga400us]

A selection of comic lines from Phyllis Diller, who died Monday at age 95:


— "I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo."


— "I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?' "

— "When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'"

— "You know you're old when your walker has an airbag."

— "I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody."

— "I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband."

— "My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench."

— "The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country."

— "They say housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

— "I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions."

— "Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn."

— "The best contraceptive for old people is nudity."

 

[TomBoner]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

 

[smoothdevil]

THE OFFICIAL WEST TEXAS SHERIFF'S EXAM

All his life a young Texan dreamed of becoming a lawman. He grew up to be 6' 2", strong as a bull and had a lightening fast draw. He could shoot a bottle cap in the air at 40 paces and the eye out of a rattlesnake from a hundred yards.

When he finally came of age, he applied to the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy called him into his office for the last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can out shoot most anyone here.

So far your qualifications all look great. Last of all, we have what's called an
"Attitude Suitability Test". You have to pass this in order to be accepted.
We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."

Sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go find and shoot: six illegal aliens, six
lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a
rabbit."

"No problem, Sir, but why would I want to shoot a rabbit?" puzzled the applicant.
"You just passed the test, son", said the Chief Deputy. "How soon can you start?"

 

[ga400us]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.



The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"


The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

[ga400us]

Male/Female jokes

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee...Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says... 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: HILARIOUS

Cancel your credit card before you die.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member

: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

 

[ga400us]

Brilliant! Now I know where all the high school dropouts go to work.

Subject: HILARIOUS

Cancel your credit card before you die.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member

: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

 

[ga400us]

Not a political statement, just found it funny

A Marine's Wife Confesses
This came from a Marine's wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government Under went a peaceful transition of power three years ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took his Oath of Office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines, In full dress uniform with rifles, Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated. Every one of them missed the bastard.

 

[ga400us]

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No,"I replied, "I'm just a very bad golfer."

 

[Entered27]

Just spent the last hour watching Mitch Hedberg clips. That dude was straight genius.

Three of my favourites:

1. "My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

2. I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

3. You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.