Laughter is Contagious

[settledseas]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A woman came home from shopping and told her husband that a man insulted her today.
He asked how? She told him that she hadn't worn any panties under her miniskirt and then had decided to shop for some shoes as saw a good sale at the new super shoe store.
The salesman helped her select and try on shoes and noticed she didn't have anything on under her skirt as he had a full view of her pussy. He then said, " I could eat that full of ice cream any time you would permit me"
Husband said, "Well I don't see how that is so bad, as I know he is a liar as no one could eat that much ice cream!"

 

[ga400us]

Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her.

"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

 

[smoothdevil]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her.

"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

[done_got_old]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her.

"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Smart man!

 

[done_got_old]

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!

 

[ga400us]

Jim was an old man.

He was sick and in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ’And how are we doing this morning',

Or
'Are we ready for a bath',

Or
'Are we hungry ?'

Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray And put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went !

The nurse came in a little later, picked Up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.

At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle Out of her hand, popped off the top, And drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted.


DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE

 

[done_got_old]

Jim was an old man.

He was sick and in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ’And how are we doing this morning',

Or
'Are we ready for a bath',

Or
'Are we hungry ?'

Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray And put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went !

The nurse came in a little later, picked Up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.

At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle Out of her hand, popped off the top, And drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted.


DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE

Precious!

 

[ga400us]

Asking God for ice cream

Last week our grandchildren were visiting and we took them to a restaurant.

My six year old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Pop gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. She was speechless.

Then, with a big smile, he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch"

 

[smotherman]

Confessional


A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean 'almost'?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

 

[done_got_old]

Don't mess with grandma.

Gardening with Grandma


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.


The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'


Happy Gardening.
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!

 

[ga400us]

Don't mess with grandma.

Gardening with Grandma


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.


The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'


Happy Gardening.
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!

Ah ha ha ha!

 

[ga400us]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

 

[done_got_old]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

roflmbo

 

[ga400us]

http://l1.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/BzoXdsoKjez8Ura2nIYYNg--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7cT04NTt3PTYzMA--/http://media.zenfs.com/en/blogs/sptuspreprally/The-Red-Lion-School-Districts-misguided-attempt-at-gaining-new-sponsorship-funding-Twitter.jpg

 

[ga400us]

A PRIEST AND A RABBI.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied,

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[done_got_old]

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.
"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.
"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.
The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".
The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

 

[2wild2care]

I hate being bi-polar.... it's fantastic !!

 

[ga400us]

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.
"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.
"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.
The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".
The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

Ha ha!

 

[ga400us]

I hate being bi-polar.... it's fantastic !!

That's good!

 

[ga400us]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[smotherman]

One Wish

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[done_got_old]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[smotherman]

Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.

She dug throught her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[done_got_old]

Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.

She dug throught her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

very good