Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

OXIMORONS


1. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?


4. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?

5. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?

6. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

7. Why are they called " stands"
When they are made for sitting?

8. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?

9. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?

10. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?

11. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?

12. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?

13. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?


14. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

15. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?

16. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?

17. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?

18. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?

20. Christmas
- What other time of the year
Do you sit in front of a dead tree
And eat candy out of your socks?

21. Why do we drive on a parkway
And park on a driveway?

 

[respeito]

i borrowed this from another venue...

ian's ************ prank

 

[MsTexas]

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y61/SpursStalker/320820_170880692997684_169737099778710_350202_180235290_n.jpg

I think this is freaking hilarious .....

 

[ga400us]

The Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me.. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[philos]

Love it!

 

[smoothdevil]

Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...a tiger in bed.


No wait.....Sorry, I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.


Never mind.

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A flirty,beautiful,sexy lady went to the doctor. He noticed she was interested in him and couldn't keep her hands off him. He wanted to keep it professional but when he told her to bend over so he could take a rectal thermometer reading.
She wiggled her ass alittle and he couldn't resist. He took out his dick and slipped it in her pussy. She said, "OH DOC that ain't my rectum!" He replied,"IT ain't my themometer either!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Stress management

In case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. It really works and will make you smile.


1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of that cheating lover you're holding under the water.


See, it really does work...you're smiling already.

 

[smoothdevil]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

 

[Adsila]

Happy Birthday!

 

[EllaPure]

This is an interview between Gerard Butler and Carrie Keegan. It's 6 minutes of fun! It doesn't get started until about a minute in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swqO6L4uF8g

 

[slantoflight]

This might have been posted months ago during the Casey Anthony trial, but here it is again!

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2011/7/6/1dc09a37-cd01-4fc5-8fc7-74b9017f1a01.jpeg

 

[smoothdevil]

Frozen Crabs & the Blond Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

[mysteriousintn]

Frozen Crabs & the Blond Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Lmao. As a blonde, I truly appreciate this. Needed a laugh this morning.

 

[clearshooter]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it"

 

[ga400us]

The Itch

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen, but knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, however, he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address her discomfort, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story... Pay your bills

 

[ga400us]

Bill the Chicken

Bill came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bill.'

Bill was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bill was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bill the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bill.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Bill, wake up! You shit in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

 

[ga400us]

Anybody up there know J C?

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the
workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take
her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting
a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

 

[smoothdevil]

HAPPY HALOWEEN

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine..

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

 

[ga400us]

HAPPY HALOWEEN

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine..

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

That's good!

 

[ga400us]

Old Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school,his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar,a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up." "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Old Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school,his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar,a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up." "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

GREAT >>>>>>>>>LMAO

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A couple of young sexy nuns had a flat and a young man stoped to change it for her...As he tuged on the last lug nut. Not thinking he said,"that's the last one and all are tighter than a nun's pussy!" one replied, "better tightened them a little more then!"

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A young kid was watching a carpenter one day and when he picked up his saw the kid replied " My father has 2 of them!". Later when he picked up his hammer the kid replied "My father has 2 of them!" This went on all morning and finally he had to piss so he went behind a place out of sight and relieved
himself but the little kid was still watching him and before he could say anything he told the kid, "Well I guess your father has 2 of these?" The little kid replied, "No, but it is twice as long!"

Come on keep this going!

 

[ga400us]

Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "what do you mean $200?!"