Laughter is Contagious

[newbiebabe]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken happily smokes while the egg looks a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, "Well I guess that answers THAT question!"

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Had a patient the other day who was admitted for a disease that's typically transmitted with genital contact..

The doctor asked, "Are you sexually active."

The patient replied, "No. He pretty much does all the work."

 

[kayte]

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

2. "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." - A. Whitney Brown

3. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner'." - Lynda Montgomery

4. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

5. ""Relationships are hard. It's like having a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay; and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

 

[ga400us]

One day, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the First Little Pig jumps from the bushes, and he say, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and he says when he finds you he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red Riding Hood replies, "I'm not scared of him," and heads on her way.

Little Red Riding Hood is a little bit farther down the trail when suddenly, the Second Little Pig jumps from the bushes, and he say, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and he says when he finds you he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red Riding Hood replies, "I can handle him," and heads on her way.

Little Red Riding Hood is a little bit farther down the trail when suddenly, the Third Little Pig jumps from the bushes, and he say, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and he says when he finds you he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red Riding Hood replies, "Eh, no big deal," and heads on her way.

Little Red Riding Hood is almost to Grandma's house when suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps from the bushes, and he say, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I've been looking for you, and now that I've found you I'm going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and I'm going to fuck the shit out of you!"

Little Red Riding Hood looks the Big Bad Wolf in the eye, lifts up her little red skirt, pulls down her little red panties and says, "No, you're gonna eat me like it says in the story!"

Touche'

 

[ga400us]

Danger!

The factory shipping manager discovered a box on the loading dock labelled, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"
Management was called in, all employees were ordered to stay clear of the box, and the bomb squad was summoned.
A bomb technician arrived, donned his heavy gloves, helmet, and safety gear, walked onto the loading dock and then very carefully opened the carton.
Inside were 250 signs reading, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"

Fathers And Sons

A high school boy came from school and told his mom, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh, God! Go to your room! And just wait until your father gets home!" said the boy's mother.
When dad did get home, mom could tell him the sordid story; instead she told him to ask the boy.
Dad head upstairs and asked his son why Mom was so mad.
"All I said was: I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Wow, son! That's my boy! Ya know, son, women don't think about these thing like men do. But I'm proud of you. Ya know what? I'm gonna take you out and buy that motorcycle you've been wanting!"
The did just that and, as they prepared to leave the Harley dealership, the dad turned to his son and said, "Do you want to ride it home, son?"
The boy replied, "Nah. May ass is till sore!

At The Pharmacy

A woman ask the pharmacist, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"
"Yes," he replied. "Do you want to buy some?"
"No," she responded, "but is okay if I wait here until some man does?"

Good ones Kayte, thanks for sharing. Good to see you back.

 

[ga400us]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken happily smokes while the egg looks a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, "Well I guess that answers THAT question!"

Good one!

 

[ga400us]

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you
would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

 

[ga400us]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[kayte]

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you
would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

Absolutely great, the American pride. {{{{ga}}}} Unfortunately scary too.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

ROTFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

Memorable Sports Announcements.....

1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing!"
2. Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, pro golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -- but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV boat rate 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, college football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. U.S. Open TV commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. ... Oh, my God, what have I just said?"

 

[Marguerite01]

No. 4 in the 2007 Darwin Awards

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

No. 4 in the 2007 Darwin Awards

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

If this is true this is amazing. Lol :-D haha

 

[kayte]

No. 4 in the 2007 Darwin Awards

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Thank you Marguerite ~ That is great. I have such a visual of these people trying to convince the authorities of the "truth" of the matter.

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

Must keep this going.......so mine may not be as good....this is an oldie...as you can tell by reading that as this TV brand hasn't been made for years....

Did you hear about the woman that drove 2000 miles to the naval yard only to find out that an ad in the paper about a 12" Admiral was a TV set and not a Naval Officer.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

one of the best love songs of all time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=DsQMSMPHO2Q

 

[ga400us]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree ranches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to ahollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course ?"

 

[ga400us]

When Insults had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

· "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

· "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

[newbiebabe]

A man in a hospital bed was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir."
The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very s l o w l y.
"Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very, very carefully. Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

 

[smoothdevil]

Billy Connolly's Statement of the Century:

'If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

 

[ga400us]

If you don't laugh out loud at this, there's no hope!

Not only is the guy on the far right hilarious, but the one to the immediate right is funny because of his non-reaction for so long. Watch the poor guy on the far right hand side.....

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period

 

[philos]

Did you hear about the man with five penises.
.
.
.
His pants fit him like a glove.

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A farmer was sitting on his porch leaning back on his chair eating a ham biscuit when a rooster came around the house in hot pursuit of a hen...just as he caught her a large crumb fell off and onto the porch floor..the rooster saw it and ran over to get it....the farmer said."Damn, I hope I never get that hungry!"

 

[respeito]

this.

 

[ga400us]

This may be a repeat...

Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:

1.. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

[ga400us]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist wait until my funeral.............