Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
This one is for all the divorced people in the world...
Dr Oz was on TV this week saying if men lost 35 pounds they would gain 1 inch to their penis. Somehow, I do not think my ex husband gained any size to his dick when he lost me! Oh, And considering I am a BBW, divided that by 35, I smiled all day long! Just something I found funny.
Dr Oz was on TV this week saying if men lost 35 pounds they would gain 1 inch to their penis. Somehow, I do not think my ex husband gained any size to his dick when he lost me! Oh, And considering I am a BBW, divided that by 35, I smiled all day long! Just something I found funny.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Tests and Quizzies
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost....... Since then no one ever found it.
Ancient Egypt was old.
It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.
He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible.
It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."
As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands...
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.
In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist.
He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
She was the first woman to do what she did.
Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost....... Since then no one ever found it.
Ancient Egypt was old.
It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.
He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible.
It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."
As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands...
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.
In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist.
He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
She was the first woman to do what she did.
Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
prolixsolutions
Virgin
- Joined
- May 18, 2011
- Posts
- 1
WolfsButterfly
Mrs. Steve
- Joined
- May 12, 2010
- Posts
- 13,639
WHEN YOU'RE BROKE, YOU'RE REALLY BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any
money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a BIG bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any
money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a BIG bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Priceless!
settledseas
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,929
no harm meant, as i just saw this and thought cute!
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
> A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
> The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
> She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
> To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
> 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
> 'So I just switched the heads.'
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
> A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
> The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
> She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
> To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
> 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
> 'So I just switched the heads.'
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Ladies Night At The Male Stripper Club
Last night, my female friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going but, fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my purse. What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!
Last night, my female friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going but, fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my purse. What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
A GOOD LESSON IN AUSTRALIAN FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman ,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a warm hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a sweet kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f**ked?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You bloody well will be when the tide comes in.'
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman ,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a warm hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a sweet kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f**ked?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You bloody well will be when the tide comes in.'
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
A New Drink
A guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Got any specials today?"
"Yes, I do," replied the bartender. "It's a new drink invented by one of our customers who's a gynaecologist. It's Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The man looks confused. "I don't know about that combination. What do you call it?" ...
(Wait for it...) ...
"A "Pabst Smir!" said the bartender.
Feathers
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"
A guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Got any specials today?"
"Yes, I do," replied the bartender. "It's a new drink invented by one of our customers who's a gynaecologist. It's Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The man looks confused. "I don't know about that combination. What do you call it?" ...
(Wait for it...) ...
"A "Pabst Smir!" said the bartender.
Feathers
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
HOW TO INSTALL A CHEAP, EFFECTIVE HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a few pairs of used men's size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a well used copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and some empty rifle shells.
3. Put four giant dog dishes with some bits of bloody raw meat in them, next to the boots and magazines. Place a huge spiked collar next to the dog bowls.
4. Leave a large note on your door that reads:
" Honey, me and the boys have gone for more ammo and beer.
Watch out for the pit bulls, they’ve really been aggressive today.
They attacked the UPS guy this morning and nearly chewed his arm off (better call our attorney). He's in emergency surgery right now. The police will be back for more information shortly.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four in the house. Better wait outside.
Be back shortly."
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a few pairs of used men's size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a well used copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and some empty rifle shells.
3. Put four giant dog dishes with some bits of bloody raw meat in them, next to the boots and magazines. Place a huge spiked collar next to the dog bowls.
4. Leave a large note on your door that reads:
" Honey, me and the boys have gone for more ammo and beer.
Watch out for the pit bulls, they’ve really been aggressive today.
They attacked the UPS guy this morning and nearly chewed his arm off (better call our attorney). He's in emergency surgery right now. The police will be back for more information shortly.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four in the house. Better wait outside.
Be back shortly."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
ROTFLMAO ...............................
GiggLeGasm
June Cleaver Wannabe
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2011
- Posts
- 22,811
Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was
so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I
gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was
pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was
so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I
gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was
pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
I think that was my ex
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde : Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie : No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde : Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie : No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
{{{{{{ga}}}}}
Those are marvelous. I do remember that show back then. I have a huge grin on my face. Thank you for sharing them. 
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Danger
The factory shipping manager discovered a box on the loading dock labelled, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"
Management was called in, all employees were ordered to stay clear of the box, and the bomb squad was summoned.
A bomb technician arrived, donned his heavy gloves, helmet, and safety gear, walked onto the loading dock and then very carefully opened the carton.
Inside were 250 signs reading, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"
Aussie Humor - A Touching Tale
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, New South Wales courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
The factory shipping manager discovered a box on the loading dock labelled, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"
Management was called in, all employees were ordered to stay clear of the box, and the bomb squad was summoned.
A bomb technician arrived, donned his heavy gloves, helmet, and safety gear, walked onto the loading dock and then very carefully opened the carton.
Inside were 250 signs reading, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"
Aussie Humor - A Touching Tale
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, New South Wales courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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