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Laughter is Contagious

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smoothdevil said:
Think about this...

I exercise regularly.
I eat moderate amounts of healthy food.
I get plenty of rest.
I see my doctor yearly and my dentist twice a year.
I floss daily.
I've had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG's
and colonoscopies.
I've even see a psychologist who told me I'm A-OK.
I have a dog and some hobbies to reduce stress.
I don't drink and drive.
I quit smoking and don't do drugs.
I treat everyone with respect and disparage no one.
I don't have crazy reckless sex with strangers.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, boy will I be pissed!
Click to expand...

Thank you {{{{{Smooth}}}}} :kiss::heart:

I love it! :D:D:D:D

Happy Hump Day!
 
If this doesn't make you laugh, nothing will! Hehe!

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicles on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.
About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an elderly man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear-view mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20 - 30 - 40 mph and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him.
This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
 
from this months maxim... A guy walks into the living room and his wife is watching the food network, 'why are you watching that?' he asks 'you can't cook.' She snaps back, 'well you watch porn!'
 
cock_star44 said:
from this months maxim... A guy walks into the living room and his wife is watching the food network, 'why are you watching that?' he asks 'you can't cook.' She snaps back, 'well you watch porn!'
Click to expand...

Hi cock star ~ Now that really says it all. :D Thank you for the grins. :D Have a Happy Hump Day. I read your profile. Thank you for being a first responder. It is people like you that are so valuable to us all. :)
 
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan ,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. But hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I've ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

********************** ******************* ************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they were expecting you, didn't they?
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks , but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams, Santa
 
A man had Super Bowl tickets on the 50 yard line.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a 50 yard seat for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
 
HONEYMOON....

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio ... The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...
...............
...............
...............
wait for it
...............
...............
...............
Smallcox
 
NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed..

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

:devil:
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?""Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one
tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal
hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."
 
settledseas said:
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."
Click to expand...

Thats about right, I did have two federal jobs lol!
 
OK, instead of a joke...here is one of MANY true stories about my personal embarrassments I cause myself frequently....

I had JUST been asked to be a supervisor for my work. They expected a LOT from me and created this position to get process change done to be more efficient. Then they decided to make me also the supervisor for the 6 person clerical staff as a result.

So, it was time for my first meeting as a supervisor with them. I was going to be turning their world a bit upside down as a result of the changes we needed to make, so I wanted to be professional, informative and show that I knew what I was doing for this important first meeting.

I had the materials to discuss all laid out in the conference room. I had an agenda. I had the talking points well understood so I would be as efficient as possible for this meeting. It was my first meeting ever as a supervisor.

Everyone is gathered, so I start into the discussion. I lay out my vision brilliantly (if I do say so myself), but am obviously concerned that the clerical staff might not like the changes - there would be a LOT of changes. So, I was concerned.

Then the lead clerk, Barbara, says in a loud voice,

"I just cannot take this anymore!" and stands up to face me. She walks across the room to me directly, then leans down....and....

....

....

....removes the Cling-Free dryer sheet that was sticking out of my right pant legs for the entire meeting. It apparently was fluttering in the pant leg the entire time I was trying to be "Mr. Professional" for my first meeting.

As EVERYONE starts howling at my expense, all I can do is utter the weakest statement possible...

"Meeting over...."
 
"When in Cabo... do as the Cabodians do"..... really? lol...overheard from a commercial on Bravo for one of the Housewives shows... geesh! :rolleyes:
 
You can make anything sound bad.

A biker was visiting the zoo when he noticed a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabbed her and tried to pull her inside.
As the child's parents stood screaming, the biker leaped to the cage, and, with a powerful punch, hit the lion right on the nose.

The lion released the child as he jumped back in pain and the biker handed her back to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly. A reporter happened to see the incident, and said to the biker, "Sir, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen!"

"Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. The child was in danger and I acted without thinking."
"Regardless, check tomorrow's papers! You'll be on the front page!"

The next morning, sure enough, right there on the front page was the biker's story, under the headline: "Biker Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."
 
HILLBILLY AND A MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back
at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror
thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered
his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.'
 
1. Carnal Knowledge

Three women were showering in the athletic club when a man ran through wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
The first woman checked him out and said, "He's not MY husband!"
The second woman looked him over and said, "He's not MY husband, either!"
He passed the third woman, who agreed, then said, "Hey, wait a minute. He's not even a member of this club!"

2. From The Guinness Book of Female Records

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton, England.
At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on December 12th, 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9:52 p.m. and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hours 37 minutes later.
 
settledseas said:
HILLBILLY AND A MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back
at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror
thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered
his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.'
Click to expand...

Happy Monday Settledseas ~ That is wonderful. I have a huge grin on my face. :D Thank you.
 
Thank You Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Always drink upstream from the herd.

3. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

4. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

5. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

8. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

9. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

10. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
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